I am a caver. A quiter of quitting and want to share my experience.
I owe my reasons for caving and what I'm doing differently this time. There's a lot to share, so I will be breaking this down. I do not want to give a clift note version as I hope it will help somebody else who may be heading where I ended up. This morning, I am outlining my WHY.
I am an addict. I had stated that before years ago. I am a full blown addict.
When I first appeared here in 2012, I was getting over an addiction to pain pills. I was stealing from my family and any time I went into somebody's house I would raid their cabinets looking for pain pills.
Before that, I was hooked on bath salts and synthetic weed. And of course, chew. There were other addictions that I had recognized beyond drugs too, like porn and poker.
But there was one drug that was in my life that I did not treat as a drug....alcohol.
There were many clues but I was ignoring them. For example, when I made attempts to quit nicotine in the past, I would quit drinking for a while because the alcohol would make my craves too strong. I would always cave on nicotine as soon as I would drink. Be it days or weeks or months later. So on my last attempt to quit in 2012, I decided I was going to quit nicotine without stopping alcohol so I could get over that hurdle right out of the gate. Clue ignored. My drinking was normal at that time. I was not abusing it, I was not drinking every day, I was never getting black-out drunk, etc.
I had stopped all drugs, stopped nicotine, stopped poker, stopped porn, but I never looked at alcohol as a problem. I have no idea why. No freaking clue whatsoever. The only way I'm able to make sense of it in my mind, is that I let my Addiction have a source of food. I let my addiction quietly focus on one thing. I let that happen because I stopped treating myself as an addict. I felt I had overcome the major addictions in my life. I knew in the back of my mind I was still an addict, but I was just focusing on the issues I had with in the past. As long as I didn't pop a pill, or snort bath salts, or smoke pot or synthetic weed, I would be fine. As long as i didn't start any illegal drugs, I would be fine. As long as I stayed out of head shops looking for the next legal high, I would be fine.
The issue is I didn't fully accept addiction ALL THE WAY. I came close. But I didn't take it ALL THE WAY.
My drinking turned from beer once in a while to daily. Then my beer turned to liquor every day. It wasn't long before I was drinking on lunch then hiding bottles and the amount I drank. I eventually ended up at a point where I had to drink first thing in the morning to stave off anxiety and depression. By that point, I had lost my family because I stopped caring. I had lost my job shortly after that because I didn't care about anything at that point. That's when the all day drinking started. I let my addiction completely take me over and I let it completely destroy me. I had no insurance and no means for seeking professional help....or that's how I thought. That's what my addiction was telling me.
There just came a point where I was suicidal. I would wake up with sweats and a full blown panic attack. I would have a shot to calm things down in the middle of the night. I did not have the strength or courage to talk to anybody about what was going on. It was all left up to me. Exactly how my addiction monster wanted things to be. I found the strength one day to call a suicidal hot line provided in my county. I wasn't anywhere close to actually pulling it off, but I knew I needed to address the problem. I was surprised to hear that free counseling was available for me. VERY surprised and VERY excited to hear that. I could not believe it. I had not been able to take my anti-depression meds for over a year and a half or more by then due to no insurance. Or so I thought. After seeing a counselor, I learned I was able to see the psychiatrist for free as well. Not only that, I was able to get support to help pay for my meds!
That's my downward trend. From that moment on, I began my upward trend which has led me to coming back here. It's taken months of work so far. It's taken trying different depression and anxiety medications. It's taken seeking support for alcoholism. It's taken being open about my issue with my family and those who I trust and care about. Fir the first time, they got to hear my addiction battles. It felt good to get that off my chest and was a huge help for myself to move forward. Openness and honesty.
Along the way during the path of self destruction, I picked up smoking. I don't know when honestly. I believe soon after my divorce. Yes...actually...I remember it now. The day we decided to split ways was the day I said fuck it. I bought a bottle of vodka and a pack of smokes. During this path of self destruction, I bought weed. A few times. I stole pain pills from somebody. I found kratom in a head shop and abused that. I did a complete 180 during all this mess.
I'm blessed and thankful to have a clear mind today. I am 9months sober now. As I approach my 49th birthday this Saturday, I am left with the daunting task of rebuilding. I cannot go backwards any more. Every time we let an addiction take us over again, it gets worse than then the time before. It takes us to new deeper places as though that's where the addiction wanted to go to before and had a slow, methodical plan of getting there. When cut off for a while, then given the steering wheel again, it immediately floors the gas peddle and does not let up.
What I'm trying to say is...what I'm throwing out there for others to consider....
Is nicotine your only addiction? Are there other drugs or problem patterns like porn or gambling where your addiction can still survive?
For me...I wasn't fighting the nic bitch. I was fighting addiction. And I didn't address all the issues. I didn't take away all of it's life blood.
As you follow through your plans to quit nicotine, I beg you to expand that drive and focus and look at addiction as a whole. Look at other areas in your life and see if there are clues.
Is there anything in your life that is not good for you that you are also not so quick to give up? Porn? Gambling? Alcohol? Addiction has the ability to move all it's power and strength to another source if you remove only one issue.
That's all I have the time for now. I am working two jobs and always on the run. I will post what I'm doing differently to make this quit real later today.
So for now...Please think about your addiction and how far does it stretch beyond nicotine. The fact is...most, if not all, of everyone here is an addict.
