Today is the end of day 6 for my quit, and damn it was rough. I knew the weekend would be a lot harder since I'm not on a schedule like I am on the weekdays due to work. For me, downtime is not good when it comes to kicking this crap. Hell, I took a nap today for a couple of hours and had dreams about dipping...I mean, seriously? What the heck man...no escape even during sleep!!!
I've been reading a ton on this site, mainly when I'm craving really hard, and that's been awesome...so thanks to everyone on here who is serious about quitting, and serious about supporting.
Just so I can kill a few more minutes before I go to bed, I'm gonna overview some experiences in my first 6 days that will hopefully help someone else reading to either pass the time/gain motivation/relate, etc. My first 6 days hasn't really been riddled with much anxiety, depression or mood swings, which I'm very thankful for. Don't get me wrong, it's been really tough, and the cravings I've had have been extremely difficult to push back. Like I said, I even dreamed about dipping today...damn!
The strangest thing for me has been dealing with feeling bored. I know that sounds weird, but it's difficult to explain, but I'll try. I've been intensely addicted to the can for seven years...the "never leave home without it" type thing...you know the story. So now these past 6 days have given me almost like a clearer view into my days...a clearer view that included me realizing I dipped ALL THE TIME. An example to help explain: Went to lunch today with my wife, picked up a to go sandwich and came back home to eat since we had our dog with us and it's 900 GD degrees outside. We ate, talked, etc....it was actually really cool to be present during that time and not be thinking about grabbing the can as soon as I finish this last bite. After we were done, she was doing some things around the house, and I was just sitting there looking at my dog like, "well, what the hell am I supposed to do now?" Obviously there were a million things I could have been doing (clean, write, read a book, watch tv, mow the yard, etc.), but I just sat there and thought about the fact that I wasn't in my normal routine of shoving a fat wad in my mouth.
In contrast, a week ago I would have reluctantly gone to lunch and spent real quality time with my wife, mostly because it would have meant delaying/stopping my routine of dipping for a bit. We would have come home, eaten lunch the same way we did today, but as soon as we were done, I would have gone to the bathroom and popped a fatty in, and then done a shit ton of productive things, all because my routine was rolling.
Even at work this past week, I didn't stray from my normal work production, but I felt bored. Emailing and working in general at my desk just seemed really boring, where as when I had my trusty partner with me the week before, I would pop one in and get to work. Same output both weeks, only this past week being dip free seemed so different.
I guess the best way to describe this whole feeling is that I didn't really realize how numb my habit made me to life in general. I have felt present these past 6 days. An agitated and crave-thirsty bastard, but present. This evening my wife and I drove to Walmart and got an inflatable kitty pool, drove to our favorite market and grabbed really good sandwiches, went to her parents' house and picked up their lab puppy and dachsund and loaded them up in the Tahoe with our great dane...and then drove to our house and filled that damn kitty pool up and sat on the back porch laughing our asses off watching those dogs run around, and we enjoyed life. Now let me tell you, that probably would not have happened last weekend, not because I'm an asshole, but mainly because it would have meant me leaving my can out of the picture for a while...and I certainly would not have felt as alive and present as I did today.
Anyway, I'm rambling here, but it's helping me, so I don't care. I'm only 6 days in, and I have a LONG WAY to go...but dammit, I'm proud of these last 6 days. Ya, I spent the last 6 days from sun up to sundown with absolutely no money on my person (gave the credit and debit cards to the wife and I have no idea where they are), and no cash in site. I'm a damn sneaky bastard...so I had to take some serious measures for this first week at least. And here's the best part of this whole 6 day summary:
We're expecting our first child any day now (a baby girl), and I'm damn excited to know that I will be present and accounted for at her birth. Not that I wouldn't have been there if she'd have been born while I was still dipping, but knowing now that I would have been missing out on that "real life clarity" that I've had these past 6 days is eye opening. Really thankful for this site and the encouragement. I'll be here in the morning to post roll, right after I wake up...and even though I'm sure tomorrow will be difficult, I'm all in for quit. Good night.
