I'm A Douche

[SWJ]

My 7 year old and myself have been trying to convince my wife that we NEED a monkey.

Waste, see if any of these awesome reasons work on your wife.

Disclaimer: They most certainly did not work on mine.

I Wish I Had A Monkey

Monkeys are awesome.

I've been trying to get my wife to let me get a monkey for the longest time.

She says they fling their shit though.

I tell her that this is just one of the reasons why I want a monkey of my own.

Here are the others:

1.  It's cool to put clothes on a monkey.

While putting clothes on your dog automatically makes you a fag, putting clothes on your pet monkey is awesome.

They can wear cool things like Little Slugger baseball hats and pajamas with feet in them.

They can't wear shoes because their feet are so weird, but they can wear shirts with offensive sayings on them.

Who's going to tell a monkey that he can't wear a t-shirt that says "Midgets Can Kiss My Ass"...?

No one, that's who.

2.  Chicks dig monkeys.

I don't know anyone who has a monkey, but if I did I'd hang out with him all the time.

The monkey, I mean.

You can take a monkey anywhere and the girls will go crazy for him.

Guaranteed.

You could teach your monkey to grab their boobs and stuff.

They'd giggle and whisper to each other how cute he was.

But you'd get all the action because no girl really wants to fuck with a monkey.

You'd have to do.

3.  Monkeys are hilarious.

No explanation needed.

Monkeys crack me the fuck up.

4.  Monkeys are generally pretty stupid.

No matter how smart my monkey got, I would always be a genius compared to him.

I could teach him to do stuff and he wouldn't be smart enough to know that he shouldn't be doing those things.

You can invest all kinds of time teaching your little kids to say funny swear words, but some relative always whispers to them that they really shouldn't say such things.

Believe me, I know.

Monkeys however, just don't give a shit.

I would teach my monkey to give the finger, grab his crotch, fling his turds at people, and stuff like that.

And no matter how many times my wife scolded him for it, he would keep right on doing it.

That would be awesome.

5.  Monkeys will eat anything.

No more of this special high-priced pet food.

My monkey would eat whatever I was having.

He would sit at the table with me and eat a sandwich with dogshit on it if I gave it to him.

Plus, he would eat stuff that I would otherwise throw away like watermelon rinds, stale bread, and that leftover shit from two weeks ago.

Monkeys don't care.

They're thrilled to be eating something besides bugs and tree bark.


Simply put, a pet monkey would be the best pet in the universe.

BJ had one named Bear.

If you recall, they drove around in BJ's tractor trailer truck, solving problems for hot country bitches.

Bear was the shit.

[SWJ]

I fucked up this post so now it's gone.

[wastepanel]

Four Ways To Make A Wedding More Awesome

So I'm leaving tomorrow to travel to Maryland.

I have to go to my hillbilly sister-in-law's wedding.

This blows for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is this:

My sister-in-law is a vicious, life-sucking shrew and my dream is to drop her with a Lo-Pan-punch to the babymaker.

Anyway, I also hate weddings because I think they're boring and completely predictable.

If I was a wedding planner, my weddings would be decidedly different and consistently kick-ass.

Here is a brief list of things that would make any wedding more awesome:

1.  Nipple-holes. 

That's right.  Get wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses with nipple-holes in them. 

Just think.

Instead of everyone sighing and grinning like idiots, everyone would be high-fiving and throwing dollar bills and shit. 

While we're at it, we could just cut the ass out of everyone's dress too. 

Wedding chaps....New invention.

Awesome.

2.  Monkeys. 

I don't care what kind of gathering it is, somebody letting a dozen monkeys loose in a place really adds some fucking pep. 

You want to wait until the end of the ceremony, because monkeys won't sit still for a lot of boring talking. 

Monkeys show up to party though and they most certainly do not fuck around.      

3.  Pizza. 

Your broccoli-stuffed mushroom caps...?  Even the monkeys won't eat those and they eat their own shit. 

Keep it simple and order pizza. 

No one ever complains about pizza and if they do you shouldn't have invited them. 

Pizza makes every gathering more awesome. 

This is an undeniable, universal truth.

4.  That Kicked-In-The-Nuts Guy. 

Invite this guy. 

If there's anything more consistently entertaining than watching monkeys throw poop at each other, it's watching this guy run around kicking people in the gooch. 

I'd wear a hockey cup or something so I wouldn't get my shit ruined, but this dude is hilarious. 

Plus he's famous.

Anyway, this felch-fest most certainly won't have anything this awesome at it.

And I'll be powerless to change it because my wife won't let me have one monkey, much less a gang of them.

However...

When my sister-in-law walks down the aisle, I could pop out and horse kick her in the vagina.

I'll let you know how it goes...

"The Man Who Brought Monkeys to a Wedding"

Rated R for gratuitous primate violence, grotesque mayhem and airborne fecal projectiles.

Starts Friday in theaters everywhere.

Love this shit!

'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'

My 7 year old and myself have been trying to convince my wife that we NEED a monkey. I was still on the fence up until a few years ago until I found out that they can rip off people's faces and eat them.

Now I want one so bad I can taste it.

And I will be inviting ovr my wife's "nice" friends.

[Grizzly25]

Four Ways To Make A Wedding More Awesome

So I'm leaving tomorrow to travel to Maryland.

I have to go to my hillbilly sister-in-law's wedding.

This blows for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is this:

My sister-in-law is a vicious, life-sucking shrew and my dream is to drop her with a Lo-Pan-punch to the babymaker.

Anyway, I also hate weddings because I think they're boring and completely predictable.

If I was a wedding planner, my weddings would be decidedly different and consistently kick-ass.

Here is a brief list of things that would make any wedding more awesome:

1.  Nipple-holes. 

That's right.  Get wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses with nipple-holes in them. 

Just think.

Instead of everyone sighing and grinning like idiots, everyone would be high-fiving and throwing dollar bills and shit. 

While we're at it, we could just cut the ass out of everyone's dress too. 

Wedding chaps....New invention.

Awesome.

2.  Monkeys. 

I don't care what kind of gathering it is, somebody letting a dozen monkeys loose in a place really adds some fucking pep. 

You want to wait until the end of the ceremony, because monkeys won't sit still for a lot of boring talking. 

Monkeys show up to party though and they most certainly do not fuck around.     

3.  Pizza. 

Your broccoli-stuffed mushroom caps...?  Even the monkeys won't eat those and they eat their own shit. 

Keep it simple and order pizza. 

No one ever complains about pizza and if they do you shouldn't have invited them. 

Pizza makes every gathering more awesome. 

This is an undeniable, universal truth.

4.  That Kicked-In-The-Nuts Guy. 

Invite this guy. 

If there's anything more consistently entertaining than watching monkeys throw poop at each other, it's watching this guy run around kicking people in the gooch. 

I'd wear a hockey cup or something so I wouldn't get my shit ruined, but this dude is hilarious. 

Plus he's famous.

Anyway, this felch-fest most certainly won't have anything this awesome at it.

And I'll be powerless to change it because my wife won't let me have one monkey, much less a gang of them.

However...

When my sister-in-law walks down the aisle, I could pop out and horse kick her in the vagina.

I'll let you know how it goes...

"The Man Who Brought Monkeys to a Wedding"

Rated R for gratuitous primate violence, grotesque mayhem and airborne fecal projectiles.

Starts Friday in theaters everywhere.

Love this shit!

'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'

[rgross298]

Four Ways To Make A Wedding More Awesome

So I'm leaving tomorrow to travel to Maryland.

I have to go to my hillbilly sister-in-law's wedding.

This blows for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is this:

My sister-in-law is a vicious, life-sucking shrew and my dream is to drop her with a Lo-Pan-punch to the babymaker.

Anyway, I also hate weddings because I think they're boring and completely predictable.

If I was a wedding planner, my weddings would be decidedly different and consistently kick-ass.

Here is a brief list of things that would make any wedding more awesome:

1. Nipple-holes.

That's right. Get wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses with nipple-holes in them.

Just think.

Instead of everyone sighing and grinning like idiots, everyone would be high-fiving and throwing dollar bills and shit.

While we're at it, we could just cut the ass out of everyone's dress too.

Wedding chaps....New invention.

Awesome.

2. Monkeys.

I don't care what kind of gathering it is, somebody letting a dozen monkeys loose in a place really adds some fucking pep.

You want to wait until the end of the ceremony, because monkeys won't sit still for a lot of boring talking.

Monkeys show up to party though and they most certainly do not fuck around.

3. Pizza.

Your broccoli-stuffed mushroom caps...? Even the monkeys won't eat those and they eat their own shit.

Keep it simple and order pizza.

No one ever complains about pizza and if they do you shouldn't have invited them.

Pizza makes every gathering more awesome.

This is an undeniable, universal truth.

4. That Kicked-In-The-Nuts Guy.

Invite this guy.

If there's anything more consistently entertaining than watching monkeys throw poop at each other, it's watching this guy run around kicking people in the gooch.

I'd wear a hockey cup or something so I wouldn't get my shit ruined, but this dude is hilarious.

Plus he's famous.

Anyway, this felch-fest most certainly won't have anything this awesome at it.

And I'll be powerless to change it because my wife won't let me have one monkey, much less a gang of them.

However...

When my sister-in-law walks down the aisle, I could pop out and horse kick her in the vagina.

I'll let you know how it goes...

"The Man Who Brought Monkeys to a Wedding"

Rated R for gratuitous primate violence, grotesque mayhem and airborne fecal projectiles.

Starts Friday in theaters everywhere.

Love this shit!

[Grizzly25]

Four Ways To Make A Wedding More Awesome

So I'm leaving tomorrow to travel to Maryland.

I have to go to my hillbilly sister-in-law's wedding.

This blows for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is this:

My sister-in-law is a vicious, life-sucking shrew and my dream is to drop her with a Lo-Pan-punch to the babymaker.

Anyway, I also hate weddings because I think they're boring and completely predictable.

If I was a wedding planner, my weddings would be decidedly different and consistently kick-ass.

Here is a brief list of things that would make any wedding more awesome:

1. Nipple-holes.

That's right. Get wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses with nipple-holes in them.

Just think.

Instead of everyone sighing and grinning like idiots, everyone would be high-fiving and throwing dollar bills and shit.

While we're at it, we could just cut the ass out of everyone's dress too.

Wedding chaps....New invention.

Awesome.

2. Monkeys.

I don't care what kind of gathering it is, somebody letting a dozen monkeys loose in a place really adds some fucking pep.

You want to wait until the end of the ceremony, because monkeys won't sit still for a lot of boring talking.

Monkeys show up to party though and they most certainly do not fuck around.

3. Pizza.

Your broccoli-stuffed mushroom caps...? Even the monkeys won't eat those and they eat their own shit.

Keep it simple and order pizza.

No one ever complains about pizza and if they do you shouldn't have invited them.

Pizza makes every gathering more awesome.

This is an undeniable, universal truth.

4. That Kicked-In-The-Nuts Guy.

Invite this guy.

If there's anything more consistently entertaining than watching monkeys throw poop at each other, it's watching this guy run around kicking people in the gooch.

I'd wear a hockey cup or something so I wouldn't get my shit ruined, but this dude is hilarious.

Plus he's famous.

Anyway, this felch-fest most certainly won't have anything this awesome at it.

And I'll be powerless to change it because my wife won't let me have one monkey, much less a gang of them.

However...

When my sister-in-law walks down the aisle, I could pop out and horse kick her in the vagina.

I'll let you know how it goes...

Great stuff!!!

I have to say good luck at the wedding and if your gonna use some monkeys maybe use spider monkeys they are always up to no good!

Stay away from the life-sucking-shrew she could be the cave creator dressed in family clothes!!!!

[SWJ]

Four Ways To Make A Wedding More Awesome

So I'm leaving tomorrow to travel to Maryland.

I have to go to my hillbilly sister-in-law's wedding.

This blows for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is this:

My sister-in-law is a vicious, life-sucking shrew and my dream is to drop her with a Lo-Pan-punch to the babymaker.

Anyway, I also hate weddings because I think they're boring and completely predictable.

If I was a wedding planner, my weddings would be decidedly different and consistently kick-ass.

Here is a brief list of things that would make any wedding more awesome:

1. Nipple-holes.

That's right. Get wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses with nipple-holes in them.

Just think.

Instead of everyone sighing and grinning like idiots, everyone would be high-fiving and throwing dollar bills and shit.

While we're at it, we could just cut the ass out of everyone's dress too.

Wedding chaps....New invention.

Awesome.

2. Monkeys.

I don't care what kind of gathering it is, somebody letting a dozen monkeys loose in a place really adds some fucking pep.

You want to wait until the end of the ceremony, because monkeys won't sit still for a lot of boring talking.

Monkeys show up to party though and they most certainly do not fuck around.

3. Pizza.

Your broccoli-stuffed mushroom caps...? Even the monkeys won't eat those and they eat their own shit.

Keep it simple and order pizza.

No one ever complains about pizza and if they do you shouldn't have invited them.

Pizza makes every gathering more awesome.

This is an undeniable, universal truth.

4. That Kicked-In-The-Nuts Guy.

Invite this guy.

If there's anything more consistently entertaining than watching monkeys throw poop at each other, it's watching this guy run around kicking people in the gooch.

I'd wear a hockey cup or something so I wouldn't get my shit ruined, but this dude is hilarious.

Plus he's famous.

Anyway, this felch-fest most certainly won't have anything this awesome at it.

And I'll be powerless to change it because my wife won't let me have one monkey, much less a gang of them.

However...

When my sister-in-law walks down the aisle, I could pop out and horse kick her in the vagina.

I'll let you know how it goes...

[Grizzly25]

Geez.

What's with all the personal attack bullshit...?

What it is, is not very nice, I can tell you that.

However, I will continue to take the high road in the face of those who would seek to persecute and belittle.

God Bless You, each and every one.

You're good SWJ... stay on target.

All good SWJ!!!

I am happy to be quit with you way to get thru the weekend there were alot of guys from May who caved.....


Stay strong in your quit text or PM me if you need any help

[Colonel_No_Cope]

Geez.

What's with all the personal attack bullshit...?

What it is, is not very nice, I can tell you that.

However, I will continue to take the high road in the face of those who would seek to persecute and belittle.

God Bless You, each and every one.

You're good SWJ... stay on target.

[SWJ]

Geez.

What's with all the personal attack bullshit...?

What it is, is not very nice, I can tell you that.

However, I will continue to take the high road in the face of those who would seek to persecute and belittle.

God Bless You, each and every one.

[nmc]

See what you've done SWJ?

Damn boy.

Damn.

You woke Smokey up.

LOOT hopes this weekend is terrible.

We all continue to pay for your transgressions.

Go back to sleep Smokes

the douche has awoken the uber douche.

Nice cheap shots.

[Remshot]

See what you've done SWJ?

Damn boy.

Damn.

You woke Smokey up.

LOOT hopes this weekend is terrible.

We all continue to pay for your transgressions.

Go back to sleep Smokes

the douche has awoken the uber douche.

[loot]

See what you've done SWJ?

Damn boy.

Damn.

You woke Smokey up.

LOOT hopes this weekend is terrible.

We all continue to pay for your transgressions.

Go back to sleep Smokes

[bman50317]

I've been thinking a LOT about you and your return, so let me clear the air before we go too far along, and when I say that this is JUST becoming clear to me, I mean in like the past 2 minutes.

I'm fucking pissed at you.  I took your cave very, very hard. 

I'm pissed like a wife who just found out her husband was cheating on her when he went out to his Friday night poker game, only to tell her he's sorry, but keeps going out to his Friday night poker game.

I find your humor fucking hysterical, but you know what?  Too soon. 

Yea, I said it, and I think there are others who are thinking it.  Too fucking soon.

When I read your schtick now, I see no remorse.  I see that older guy who never stopped going to high school parties on weekends.  You know, the guy who never left his shitty town, maybe he was the football captain and hero, but now he's 28, and works at the Dollar Store, but LOVES the attention he gets when he crashes the weekend 'rager' and relives the glory days?  Maybe he even buys the booze. 

Now you say you've got your head and your ass wired right this time.  It's just too soon for me to be convinced 'just cuz you say so'. 

So excuse me for not jumping up and down and telling you how happy I am to have your shit back.  Cuz while I'm VERY happy you're back, I'm going to be pissed for a long, long time.

And you get no slack from me.

And, I'll tell you something else - I've kept my fingers off the keyboard as much as I can, but today was too much.

I'm not in the least going to discourage you from posting your thoughts here, you are free too, just as I am free to comment on them; however, you will not start a new topic when the wind blows.  I think you've been trying to guard your image, and hide what happened.  There will be no your image before, during, or after your cave. 

Yep, I've been merging them.  Don't get all butt hurt over it.  This is your intro page, and it's not better than mine.

You are not just a douche and tool, but you are quite possibly the whole fucking tool bag.

It's vets like you that keep me entertained by your sheer arrogance, stupidity and addiction to this site.

It's members like SWJ that keep me entertained by truly creative and hilarious posts.

Your rage and how you tie his humor and over the top bravado comedy schtik to his cave is almost childlike in a temper tantrum kind of way.

Very little on this site is worth commenting on, but your stupidity is definitely the exception.

Today I give thanks to SWJ for true comedy brilliance and to NOLAQ for true unintentional comedy ignorance!

Wait for it....be patient....


'libs2'

Wow. Just Wow.

I wouldn't call NOLAQ arrogant or ignorant for this comment. He's fucking dedicated. He knows this shit is no laughing matter. However, SWJ can be a funny fucker. He's not making light of his cave or his quit, he's just a funny fucker. Not too soon. SWJ, NOLAQ and CarolinaBS all speak their truth. Keep it really real bitches.

Fuck LoPan.

Smokey, you know I generally agree with you more than not... we have years of that.

But, I honestly think Carolina was out of line... I know you didn't support his post, but he is messed up in his thinking about Vets.

Stupid, Arrogant and addicted to the site? Serious?

Nope, nope, and nope.

SWJ fucked the monkey... he knows it... sure, NOLAQ represents the hammer in this case. Intro Section is for intros... SWJ just needs to keep his "Blogging" in a single thread. NOLAQ is just doing what needs to be done.

I too was hurt and disappointed by SWJ's cave... but I look forward to his way ahead, and someday he will earn back the trust and respect that he lost.

No Newb, Vet or Wannabe will change that for SWJ or his previous supporters.

Just a fact of life.

So, I am still firmly quit with my old mentor Smokey, my old friend SWJ and my comrade NOLAQ.

Colonel

Colonel, I haven't been active lately, so I may have missed this, but when was the rule that intro sections are limited to just intros decided? One day at a time implies a fresh outlook daily. Yeah, SWJ fucked the butter, but don't allow your emotions lead to judging how people utilize this site. Don't read his "blogging" if you don't like it. It does a helluva lot of good for many. Don't let your ego interfere with the quits of others.

Colonel is right, SWJ can blog his thoughts all he wants, just keep it in the same topic and don't start a new one every time. It's pretty easy to follow, he can ask if he has question.

Colonel was not showing ego, but I see you puffing your chest out so how about you stop. Cool. Thanks.

What the fuck are you talking about? Who is making all these rules? You mods and admins are walking the literope. Stay the fuck quit and let other people work their plans. I can't stand you uppity fucks.

How many fucking intros does one need? this is the intro section. It really is.....read it. I believer chewie has told people several times about a place for blogging. U find everything else here, surprised u didn't find that.

If you can't stand it so much, take your ball and go home. Fucking weak ass shit bro. You always looking for something to bitch about.

[Highway48]

I dont see why you all insist on polluting HIS intro section with your petty arguments with each other... this is HIS intro section, now if you want to comment on something HE wrote then by all means... but keep all the other drama out of HIS intro section

time and a place fellas