I'm A Douche

[Mthomas3824]

Hey SWJ,
Forgot to ask, how did the hillbilly wedding go?

Good question.

So before we left, I was in charge of packing the car, which of course is a black Chrysler Barricuda with FUK-U vanity plates and 55" tires on the back.

So in the trunk I put the following:

Six monkeys...
A Fatty-Patty Blowup Doll...
One life-size possum made out of lime jello...

I had some other shit to put in there too, but the monkeys wouldn't calm the fuck down.

Anyway, we made it from Massachusetts to Maryland in about an hour because my Barricuda kicks so much ass.

We got to my in-laws' house and my mother-in-law came running out of her hovel all squealing and waving and shit.

So I clipped her with the bumper of the 'Cuda and sent her flying into the mailbox.

Then I got out and started yelling at her for smudging my sled.

Then my father-in-law came over and told me to calm down so I asked him "What's that?" as I pointed to the front of his shirt and when he looked down I pulled his shirt up over his head and drop kicked him into the side of the house.

Instead of being mad, my wife got turned on by my awesomeness and I bent her over the trunk of my 'Cuda, right in front of her parents, who were both lying in blubbering heaps in their own front yard.

So anyway, we went to the wedding, which was held at Stan's Bowling Alley.

Stan's, as you might imagine, is a shit hole.

I was pissed about having to be seen at a dive like this, so when some older lady stepped to my shit to say "Welcome" or something, I put her in her place by socking her one right in the piehole.

Even though she was knocked the fuck out, I was talking smack to her anyway and a whole group of dudes came schlepping over saying "Hear, hear!" and "What's this" and shit like that.

So I used my monkey whistle and all six of my monkeys came running in from the parking lot.

As you might have guessed, my monkeys don't fuck around so they immediately started wrecking the shit of everyone who was bothering me.

People were yelling and hollering and I was just standing there with my foot on the older lady's neck, while my monkey gang brought the Thunder.

This, of course, turned my wife on again so I had to give her the business.

All the ass-whooping and business-giving tired me out a little so I cancelled the wedding ceremony, and I told everyone to get their asses right to the reception.

Sensing that I was ready to party, everyone hustled right the fuck up.

So we got to the reception, at which point some dude came out and said that he'd be glad to park my car for me.

No one touches my car.

So I reached out the window, grabbed this kid by the bow-tie, and smacked him into the door sill a couple of times, knocking him right the fuck out.

I parked my car right there and got out, dropping a big wad of grape Bubblicious right on the unconscious kid's forehead.

Then I walked in and gave the groom the Fatty Patty Blowup Doll, and gave my sister-in-law the lime jello possum.

"What're these...?" they said, looking unappreciative at the awesomeness of my gifts.

Oh, let me show you, I told them.

I snatched Fatty Patty away from the groom and jammed her vagina opening right down over his head.

My sister-in-law opened her mouth to holler, so I clobbered her one right in the pudenda.

The lime jello possum went flying up into the air, and I caught it with one hand and threw it at my mother-in-law, who was hobbling over in her walker to join the fray.

The possum caught her right in the face, but I had thrown a knuckle-possum, so it just stuck there with her fat head inside it and she went over backwards and broke her other hip.

The groom had managed to get halfway out of Fatty Patty's vagina, so I punched Patty right about where I thought his head would be and it worked because he went down like a sack of flour.

Only this sack of flour had a 5'9" inflatable fat girl jammed onto his head.

Then I asked if anyone else wanted to start some shit, but no one did.

Then my wife poked me on the shoulder and begged me to give it to her again because she was all revved up from me kicking so much ass....

Needless to say, things turned out just about how I expected them to.

If you object to any of this, don't invite me to your stupid wedding.

That's just funny. 'crackup'

[Timeless117]

YES!

Holy funny. The 'Cuda and "when he looked down I pulled his shirt up over his head..." are key highlights.

Next time, forget the Bubblicious, though. Tear down your pants and squat right over the dude's face and belly-flop a deuce. Yes, it's really hard to do. You'll more than likely just trickle peepee on him for a solid minute while everyone watches in horror as your asshole surges and puckers like a gas bubble in boiling Cream of Wheat. But when you do start shitting, and that shit harpoons his bottom lip, grates across his teeth and flops down across his snout and eyelid, you're going to love yourself more than you - and I - already do.

Dean, just cause you like Hot Karl's doesn't mean somebody else does.

[DeanTheCoot]

YES!

Holy funny. The 'Cuda and "when he looked down I pulled his shirt up over his head..." are key highlights.

Next time, forget the Bubblicious, though. Tear down your pants and squat right over the dude's face and belly-flop a deuce. Yes, it's really hard to do. You'll more than likely just trickle peepee on him for a solid minute while everyone watches in horror as your asshole surges and puckers like a gas bubble in boiling Cream of Wheat. But when you do start shitting, and that shit harpoons his bottom lip, grates across his teeth and flops down across his snout and eyelid, you're going to love yourself more than you - and I - already do.

[jonathanrivers]

Hey SWJ,
Forgot to ask, how did the hillbilly wedding go?

Good question.

So before we left, I was in charge of packing the car, which of course is a black Chrysler Barricuda with FUK-U vanity plates and 55" tires on the back.

So in the trunk I put the following:

Six monkeys...
A Fatty-Patty Blowup Doll...
One life-size possum made out of lime jello...

I had some other shit to put in there too, but the monkeys wouldn't calm the fuck down.

Anyway, we made it from Massachusetts to Maryland in about an hour because my Barricuda kicks so much ass.

We got to my in-laws' house and my mother-in-law came running out of her hovel all squealing and waving and shit.

So I clipped her with the bumper of the 'Cuda and sent her flying into the mailbox.

Then I got out and started yelling at her for smudging my sled.

Then my father-in-law came over and told me to calm down so I asked him "What's that?" as I pointed to the front of his shirt and when he looked down I pulled his shirt up over his head and drop kicked him into the side of the house.

Instead of being mad, my wife got turned on by my awesomeness and I bent her over the trunk of my 'Cuda, right in front of her parents, who were both lying in blubbering heaps in their own front yard.

So anyway, we went to the wedding, which was held at Stan's Bowling Alley.

Stan's, as you might imagine, is a shit hole.

I was pissed about having to be seen at a dive like this, so when some older lady stepped to my shit to say "Welcome" or something, I put her in her place by socking her one right in the piehole.

Even though she was knocked the fuck out, I was talking smack to her anyway and a whole group of dudes came schlepping over saying "Hear, hear!" and "What's this" and shit like that.

So I used my monkey whistle and all six of my monkeys came running in from the parking lot.

As you might have guessed, my monkeys don't fuck around so they immediately started wrecking the shit of everyone who was bothering me.

People were yelling and hollering and I was just standing there with my foot on the older lady's neck, while my monkey gang brought the Thunder.

This, of course, turned my wife on again so I had to give her the business.

All the ass-whooping and business-giving tired me out a little so I cancelled the wedding ceremony, and I told everyone to get their asses right to the reception.

Sensing that I was ready to party, everyone hustled right the fuck up.

So we got to the reception, at which point some dude came out and said that he'd be glad to park my car for me.

No one touches my car.

So I reached out the window, grabbed this kid by the bow-tie, and smacked him into the door sill a couple of times, knocking him right the fuck out.

I parked my car right there and got out, dropping a big wad of grape Bubblicious right on the unconscious kid's forehead.

Then I walked in and gave the groom the Fatty Patty Blowup Doll, and gave my sister-in-law the lime jello possum.

"What're these...?" they said, looking unappreciative at the awesomeness of my gifts.

Oh, let me show you, I told them.

I snatched Fatty Patty away from the groom and jammed her vagina opening right down over his head.

My sister-in-law opened her mouth to holler, so I clobbered her one right in the pudenda.

The lime jello possum went flying up into the air, and I caught it with one hand and threw it at my mother-in-law, who was hobbling over in her walker to join the fray.

The possum caught her right in the face, but I had thrown a knuckle-possum, so it just stuck there with her fat head inside it and she went over backwards and broke her other hip.

The groom had managed to get halfway out of Fatty Patty's vagina, so I punched Patty right about where I thought his head would be and it worked because he went down like a sack of flour.

Only this sack of flour had a 5'9" inflatable fat girl jammed onto his head.

Then I asked if anyone else wanted to start some shit, but no one did.

Then my wife poked me on the shoulder and begged me to give it to her again because she was all revved up from me kicking so much ass....

Needless to say, things turned out just about how I expected them to.

If you object to any of this, don't invite me to your stupid wedding.

You are one disturbed individual. Hell, I like you. Maybe you can come over to my house and fuck my sister.

[Grizzly25]

Hey SWJ,
Forgot to ask, how did the hillbilly wedding go?

Good question.

So before we left, I was in charge of packing the car, which of course is a black Chrysler Barricuda with FUK-U vanity plates and 55" tires on the back.

So in the trunk I put the following:

Six monkeys...
A Fatty-Patty Blowup Doll...
One life-size possum made out of lime jello...

I had some other shit to put in there too, but the monkeys wouldn't calm the fuck down.

Anyway, we made it from Massachusetts to Maryland in about an hour because my Barricuda kicks so much ass.

We got to my in-laws' house and my mother-in-law came running out of her hovel all squealing and waving and shit.

So I clipped her with the bumper of the 'Cuda and sent her flying into the mailbox.

Then I got out and started yelling at her for smudging my sled.

Then my father-in-law came over and told me to calm down so I asked him "What's that?" as I pointed to the front of his shirt and when he looked down I pulled his shirt up over his head and drop kicked him into the side of the house.

Instead of being mad, my wife got turned on by my awesomeness and I bent her over the trunk of my 'Cuda, right in front of her parents, who were both lying in blubbering heaps in their own front yard.

So anyway, we went to the wedding, which was held at Stan's Bowling Alley.

Stan's, as you might imagine, is a shit hole.

I was pissed about having to be seen at a dive like this, so when some older lady stepped to my shit to say "Welcome" or something, I put her in her place by socking her one right in the piehole.

Even though she was knocked the fuck out, I was talking smack to her anyway and a whole group of dudes came schlepping over saying "Hear, hear!" and "What's this" and shit like that.

So I used my monkey whistle and all six of my monkeys came running in from the parking lot.

As you might have guessed, my monkeys don't fuck around so they immediately started wrecking the shit of everyone who was bothering me.

People were yelling and hollering and I was just standing there with my foot on the older lady's neck, while my monkey gang brought the Thunder.

This, of course, turned my wife on again so I had to give her the business.

All the ass-whooping and business-giving tired me out a little so I cancelled the wedding ceremony, and I told everyone to get their asses right to the reception.

Sensing that I was ready to party, everyone hustled right the fuck up.

So we got to the reception, at which point some dude came out and said that he'd be glad to park my car for me.

No one touches my car.

So I reached out the window, grabbed this kid by the bow-tie, and smacked him into the door sill a couple of times, knocking him right the fuck out.

I parked my car right there and got out, dropping a big wad of grape Bubblicious right on the unconscious kid's forehead.

Then I walked in and gave the groom the Fatty Patty Blowup Doll, and gave my sister-in-law the lime jello possum.

"What're these...?" they said, looking unappreciative at the awesomeness of my gifts.

Oh, let me show you, I told them.

I snatched Fatty Patty away from the groom and jammed her vagina opening right down over his head.

My sister-in-law opened her mouth to holler, so I clobbered her one right in the pudenda.

The lime jello possum went flying up into the air, and I caught it with one hand and threw it at my mother-in-law, who was hobbling over in her walker to join the fray.

The possum caught her right in the face, but I had thrown a knuckle-possum, so it just stuck there with her fat head inside it and she went over backwards and broke her other hip.

The groom had managed to get halfway out of Fatty Patty's vagina, so I punched Patty right about where I thought his head would be and it worked because he went down like a sack of flour.

Only this sack of flour had a 5'9" inflatable fat girl jammed onto his head.

Then I asked if anyone else wanted to start some shit, but no one did.

Then my wife poked me on the shoulder and begged me to give it to her again because she was all revved up from me kicking so much ass....

Needless to say, things turned out just about how I expected them to.

If you object to any of this, don't invite me to your stupid wedding.

Did you at least have some cake?

'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'

Great stuff!!!

[Bruce]

Hey SWJ,
Forgot to ask, how did the hillbilly wedding go?

Good question.

So before we left, I was in charge of packing the car, which of course is a black Chrysler Barricuda with FUK-U vanity plates and 55" tires on the back.

So in the trunk I put the following:

Six monkeys...
A Fatty-Patty Blowup Doll...
One life-size possum made out of lime jello...

I had some other shit to put in there too, but the monkeys wouldn't calm the fuck down.

Anyway, we made it from Massachusetts to Maryland in about an hour because my Barricuda kicks so much ass.

We got to my in-laws' house and my mother-in-law came running out of her hovel all squealing and waving and shit.

So I clipped her with the bumper of the 'Cuda and sent her flying into the mailbox.

Then I got out and started yelling at her for smudging my sled.

Then my father-in-law came over and told me to calm down so I asked him "What's that?" as I pointed to the front of his shirt and when he looked down I pulled his shirt up over his head and drop kicked him into the side of the house.

Instead of being mad, my wife got turned on by my awesomeness and I bent her over the trunk of my 'Cuda, right in front of her parents, who were both lying in blubbering heaps in their own front yard.

So anyway, we went to the wedding, which was held at Stan's Bowling Alley.

Stan's, as you might imagine, is a shit hole.

I was pissed about having to be seen at a dive like this, so when some older lady stepped to my shit to say "Welcome" or something, I put her in her place by socking her one right in the piehole.

Even though she was knocked the fuck out, I was talking smack to her anyway and a whole group of dudes came schlepping over saying "Hear, hear!" and "What's this" and shit like that.

So I used my monkey whistle and all six of my monkeys came running in from the parking lot.

As you might have guessed, my monkeys don't fuck around so they immediately started wrecking the shit of everyone who was bothering me.

People were yelling and hollering and I was just standing there with my foot on the older lady's neck, while my monkey gang brought the Thunder.

This, of course, turned my wife on again so I had to give her the business.

All the ass-whooping and business-giving tired me out a little so I cancelled the wedding ceremony, and I told everyone to get their asses right to the reception.

Sensing that I was ready to party, everyone hustled right the fuck up.

So we got to the reception, at which point some dude came out and said that he'd be glad to park my car for me.

No one touches my car.

So I reached out the window, grabbed this kid by the bow-tie, and smacked him into the door sill a couple of times, knocking him right the fuck out.

I parked my car right there and got out, dropping a big wad of grape Bubblicious right on the unconscious kid's forehead.

Then I walked in and gave the groom the Fatty Patty Blowup Doll, and gave my sister-in-law the lime jello possum.

"What're these...?" they said, looking unappreciative at the awesomeness of my gifts.

Oh, let me show you, I told them.

I snatched Fatty Patty away from the groom and jammed her vagina opening right down over his head.

My sister-in-law opened her mouth to holler, so I clobbered her one right in the pudenda.

The lime jello possum went flying up into the air, and I caught it with one hand and threw it at my mother-in-law, who was hobbling over in her walker to join the fray.

The possum caught her right in the face, but I had thrown a knuckle-possum, so it just stuck there with her fat head inside it and she went over backwards and broke her other hip.

The groom had managed to get halfway out of Fatty Patty's vagina, so I punched Patty right about where I thought his head would be and it worked because he went down like a sack of flour.

Only this sack of flour had a 5'9" inflatable fat girl jammed onto his head.

Then I asked if anyone else wanted to start some shit, but no one did.

Then my wife poked me on the shoulder and begged me to give it to her again because she was all revved up from me kicking so much ass....

Needless to say, things turned out just about how I expected them to.

If you object to any of this, don't invite me to your stupid wedding.

Did you at least have some cake?

[SWJ]

Hey SWJ,
Forgot to ask, how did the hillbilly wedding go?

Good question.

So before we left, I was in charge of packing the car, which of course is a black Chrysler Barricuda with FUK-U vanity plates and 55" tires on the back.

So in the trunk I put the following:

Six monkeys...
A Fatty-Patty Blowup Doll...
One life-size possum made out of lime jello...

I had some other shit to put in there too, but the monkeys wouldn't calm the fuck down.

Anyway, we made it from Massachusetts to Maryland in about an hour because my Barricuda kicks so much ass.

We got to my in-laws' house and my mother-in-law came running out of her hovel all squealing and waving and shit.

So I clipped her with the bumper of the 'Cuda and sent her flying into the mailbox.

Then I got out and started yelling at her for smudging my sled.

Then my father-in-law came over and told me to calm down so I asked him "What's that?" as I pointed to the front of his shirt and when he looked down I pulled his shirt up over his head and drop kicked him into the side of the house.

Instead of being mad, my wife got turned on by my awesomeness and I bent her over the trunk of my 'Cuda, right in front of her parents, who were both lying in blubbering heaps in their own front yard.

So anyway, we went to the wedding, which was held at Stan's Bowling Alley.

Stan's, as you might imagine, is a shit hole.

I was pissed about having to be seen at a dive like this, so when some older lady stepped to my shit to say "Welcome" or something, I put her in her place by socking her one right in the piehole.

Even though she was knocked the fuck out, I was talking smack to her anyway and a whole group of dudes came schlepping over saying "Hear, hear!" and "What's this" and shit like that.

So I used my monkey whistle and all six of my monkeys came running in from the parking lot.

As you might have guessed, my monkeys don't fuck around so they immediately started wrecking the shit of everyone who was bothering me.

People were yelling and hollering and I was just standing there with my foot on the older lady's neck, while my monkey gang brought the Thunder.

This, of course, turned my wife on again so I had to give her the business.

All the ass-whooping and business-giving tired me out a little so I cancelled the wedding ceremony, and I told everyone to get their asses right to the reception.

Sensing that I was ready to party, everyone hustled right the fuck up.

So we got to the reception, at which point some dude came out and said that he'd be glad to park my car for me.

No one touches my car.

So I reached out the window, grabbed this kid by the bow-tie, and smacked him into the door sill a couple of times, knocking him right the fuck out.

I parked my car right there and got out, dropping a big wad of grape Bubblicious right on the unconscious kid's forehead.

Then I walked in and gave the groom the Fatty Patty Blowup Doll, and gave my sister-in-law the lime jello possum.

"What're these...?" they said, looking unappreciative at the awesomeness of my gifts.

Oh, let me show you, I told them.

I snatched Fatty Patty away from the groom and jammed her vagina opening right down over his head.

My sister-in-law opened her mouth to holler, so I clobbered her one right in the pudenda.

The lime jello possum went flying up into the air, and I caught it with one hand and threw it at my mother-in-law, who was hobbling over in her walker to join the fray.

The possum caught her right in the face, but I had thrown a knuckle-possum, so it just stuck there with her fat head inside it and she went over backwards and broke her other hip.

The groom had managed to get halfway out of Fatty Patty's vagina, so I punched Patty right about where I thought his head would be and it worked because he went down like a sack of flour.

Only this sack of flour had a 5'9" inflatable fat girl jammed onto his head.

Then I asked if anyone else wanted to start some shit, but no one did.

Then my wife poked me on the shoulder and begged me to give it to her again because she was all revved up from me kicking so much ass....

Needless to say, things turned out just about how I expected them to.

If you object to any of this, don't invite me to your stupid wedding.

[Grizzly25]

Dreams

Ok, so my dreams lately have been fucking me up.

All my life, my dreams at night time have always had several things in common:

1.  I can fly if I want to.
2.  I know kung-fu better than anyone.
3.  Chicks dig me.
4.  I always win at everything, including saving the entire universe.
5.  The bad guys all look like Black Bart from A Christmas Story
6.  I always get invited to Letterman after ruining the shit of Black Bart and his henchmen.

Lately though, every dream has also included dip.

I can't seem to escape the fact that I'm dipping ninja-style in every dream.

Plus, I'm fucking people up with my kung-fu because they noticed and are going to rat me out.

Last night, in my dream, my lunch lady from 6th grade was at my house, peeped me sneaking a pinch and started pointing.

She stood there on the other side of my moat, saying she was going to drop a dime.

So I flew up into the air, came down on the other side of my moat, and started tuning her up.

She was tough too, but I put a popknot on her head you could open a gift shop on.

But then I got nervous that maybe she told.

(Who she told, I don't know...maybe you bitches.)

Anyway, these dream are cramping my style  I'm not enjoying them very much.

It's like you might dream of throwing a poke into Kelly Ripa, but in your dream you can't get your top hat off.

It's irritating and doesn't represent your best foot forward.

It's weird, it's bothering me, and I thought that maybe if I got it out there, it would just go away.

I'll let you know.

Dude, all I can say is you have way better dreams than I do!
I can see where dipping in your dreams is a cause for concern, but you got a freaking moat and chicks dig you. I'd say that is more than a fair trade-off for dreaming... :D

Great stuff!

My dreams lately have been horrible mostly its like I am trying to sneak dipping from my family and this website.....

Its like I am dreaming and going hunting when I decide to put in a fatty but when I do there is music playing and this big boombing voice and a picture of Wastepanel starring me down saying in the best James Earl Jones voice "PUT THAT SHIT DOWN!!!!!"

Strange shit I know......

Anyway keep up the good work and the kick ass quit!

[rgross298]

Four Ways To Make A Wedding More Awesome

So I'm leaving tomorrow to travel to Maryland.

I have to go to my hillbilly sister-in-law's wedding.

This blows for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is this:

My sister-in-law is a vicious, life-sucking shrew and my dream is to drop her with a Lo-Pan-punch to the babymaker.

Anyway, I also hate weddings because I think they're boring and completely predictable.

If I was a wedding planner, my weddings would be decidedly different and consistently kick-ass.

Here is a brief list of things that would make any wedding more awesome:

1. Nipple-holes.

That's right. Get wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses with nipple-holes in them.

Just think.

Instead of everyone sighing and grinning like idiots, everyone would be high-fiving and throwing dollar bills and shit.

While we're at it, we could just cut the ass out of everyone's dress too.

Wedding chaps....New invention.

Awesome.

2. Monkeys.

I don't care what kind of gathering it is, somebody letting a dozen monkeys loose in a place really adds some fucking pep.

You want to wait until the end of the ceremony, because monkeys won't sit still for a lot of boring talking.

Monkeys show up to party though and they most certainly do not fuck around.

3. Pizza.

Your broccoli-stuffed mushroom caps...? Even the monkeys won't eat those and they eat their own shit.

Keep it simple and order pizza.

No one ever complains about pizza and if they do you shouldn't have invited them.

Pizza makes every gathering more awesome.

This is an undeniable, universal truth.

4. That Kicked-In-The-Nuts Guy.

Invite this guy.

If there's anything more consistently entertaining than watching monkeys throw poop at each other, it's watching this guy run around kicking people in the gooch.

I'd wear a hockey cup or something so I wouldn't get my shit ruined, but this dude is hilarious.

Plus he's famous.

Anyway, this felch-fest most certainly won't have anything this awesome at it.

And I'll be powerless to change it because my wife won't let me have one monkey, much less a gang of them.

However...

When my sister-in-law walks down the aisle, I could pop out and horse kick her in the vagina.

I'll let you know how it goes...

Hey SWJ,
Forgot to ask, how did the hillbilly wedding go?

[T-Cell]

Dreams

Ok, so my dreams lately have been fucking me up.

All my life, my dreams at night time have always had several things in common:

1. I can fly if I want to.
2. I know kung-fu better than anyone.
3. Chicks dig me.
4. I always win at everything, including saving the entire universe.
5. The bad guys all look like Black Bart from A Christmas Story
6. I always get invited to Letterman after ruining the shit of Black Bart and his henchmen.

Lately though, every dream has also included dip.

I can't seem to escape the fact that I'm dipping ninja-style in every dream.

Plus, I'm fucking people up with my kung-fu because they noticed and are going to rat me out.

Last night, in my dream, my lunch lady from 6th grade was at my house, peeped me sneaking a pinch and started pointing.

She stood there on the other side of my moat, saying she was going to drop a dime.

So I flew up into the air, came down on the other side of my moat, and started tuning her up.

She was tough too, but I put a popknot on her head you could open a gift shop on.

But then I got nervous that maybe she told.

(Who she told, I don't know...maybe you bitches.)

Anyway, these dream are cramping my style  I'm not enjoying them very much.

It's like you might dream of throwing a poke into Kelly Ripa, but in your dream you can't get your top hat off.

It's irritating and doesn't represent your best foot forward.

It's weird, it's bothering me, and I thought that maybe if I got it out there, it would just go away.

I'll let you know.

Dude, all I can say is you have way better dreams than I do!
I can see where dipping in your dreams is a cause for concern, but you got a freaking moat and chicks dig you. I'd say that is more than a fair trade-off for dreaming... :D

[SWJ]

Dreams

Ok, so my dreams lately have been fucking me up.

All my life, my dreams at night time have always had several things in common:

1. I can fly if I want to.
2. I know kung-fu better than anyone.
3. Chicks dig me.
4. I always win at everything, including saving the entire universe.
5. The bad guys all look like Black Bart from A Christmas Story
6. I always get invited to Letterman after ruining the shit of Black Bart and his henchmen.

Lately though, every dream has also included dip.

I can't seem to escape the fact that I'm dipping ninja-style in every dream.

Plus, I'm fucking people up with my kung-fu because they noticed and are going to rat me out.

Last night, in my dream, my lunch lady from 6th grade was at my house, peeped me sneaking a pinch and started pointing.

She stood there on the other side of my moat, saying she was going to drop a dime.

So I flew up into the air, came down on the other side of my moat, and started tuning her up.

She was tough too, but I put a popknot on her head you could open a gift shop on.

But then I got nervous that maybe she told.

(Who she told, I don't know...maybe you bitches.)

Anyway, these dream are cramping my style  I'm not enjoying them very much.

It's like you might dream of throwing a poke into Kelly Ripa, but in your dream you can't get your top hat off.

It's irritating and doesn't represent your best foot forward.

It's weird, it's bothering me, and I thought that maybe if I got it out there, it would just go away.

I'll let you know.

[Moondawggy]

The thing about monkeys that no one seems to remember is that- the ownership of a monkey ALWAYS ends in death. However, It's who's death, and HOW that is important to consider.

If the pet/owner relationship is broken upon the death of the owner... let me rephrase that... the faceless, genital-less bloody heap of a monkey piss soaked corpse that loosely resembles the previous shape of the once owner, only proven to be so because monkeys have no use for wallets, and the ID of the owner still rests within his back pocket, which may or may not have been torn off so that the monkey could perform the Coup de grace - 6 hour post-mortem butt-fuck that is so common amongst them in the wild... then you have to consider that. Just sayin.

Now, if the relationship ends upon the death of the monkey, it will be because he did the above described "monkey-business" to someone OTHER than the owner, and he will be shot by some asshole in a khaki uniform sporting minimum wage and a boner for shooting "rouge animals." Again, just sayin.

I guess to sum up, my opinon on monkeys is: Fuck Monkeys, I like my face and genitals.

[Grizzly25]

Thats great now what would she have done if they were throwing bologna wearing kilts and singing the YMCA song?

[Highway48]

Midgets can be entertaining at weddings. I paid 2 to show up at my sister's wedding and dance around and make fools of themselves. That was 1994 and she's still pissed about it.

'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'

[Leahy16]

Midgets can be entertaining at weddings. I paid 2 to show up at my sister's wedding and dance around and make fools of themselves. That was 1994 and she's still pissed about it.