I'm A Douche

[Skoal Monster]

Had the shittiest day ever until I read the word fattopottamus. Anybody know how to get half eaten tortilla chips out of a keyboard? Glad your back

sm

[RoyJester]

Daniel Tosh on cannibalism

[Rkymtnman]

What do you suppose that fat fucker would say if he really knew what you were thinking at that exact moment?

....back away slooooooowwwwwlly - no sudden movements...... almost safe inside.......

'crackup'

[cdforecheck]

oh thank god you are back...hope everything is well and you crack my fat ass up

[DeanTheCoot]

And you got me thinking about something:

The easiest humans to catch and eat (the fat) would also be the best meal.

This is not so in the animal kingdom, where the easiest prey to catch, babies and crippled animals, are small and/or skinny.

[DeanTheCoot]

The only thing funnier than something like "just to let them know that I bring the fucking thunder" is when my two-year-old says shit like "I can eat that?" when looking down at the turd he just blasted into the toilet.

No, son...you cannot eat that.

As far as I know.

S-Dub-J...I need not say that your presence is more awesome than making Mike Greenwell sign my tits at a baseball card convention.

[SWJ]

If I Was A Cannibal

I was in line at the Dunkin Donuts drive-through this morning and I saw this dude getting out of his car.

Now let me set this up: This cat probably went 350 if he was a pound. His belt was buckled just underneath his armpits and his ass was halfway up his back.

This fattopotamus could have gotten his wallet out by reaching over his shoulder.

I peeped him leaning on his car, huffing and sweating, before he limped and shuffled inside to get his 28 donuts or whatever.

And, as I watched this walking tragedy I thought to myself...

If I ate people like a lion eats wildebeests, I would definitely take this guy down.

Now everybody's seen a Discovery Channel show where the lion chases down some wild-eyed deeralope.

I would dominate that shit.

Fat, gimpy people pulling in to Burger King would never see me hunkered down behind the bushes.

I'd pass on the fit people who looked like they could run fast.

I'd wait to pick out the small, slow ones or the big fat ones.

They'd saunter across the parking lot and would never even know I was there until I sprang out to chase them.

And then they'd squeal and start to limp around as if I wasn't going to catch them, but I would.

I'd run up behind them and swat them in the ass with my paw, just to let them know that I bring the fucking thunder.

I'd chase them around in circles for a while to tire them out.

Then I'd jump on their backs and haul them to the ground and lay on them while they kicked and squealed.

It would be awesome.

Anyway, as the Dunkin Donuts guy was gasping and schlepping across the parking lot this morning, I was thinking about all of this.

But then the Dunkin Donuts girls saw me and started clapping and giggling and making out with each other, so I chose to get coffee instead.

Lucky for that guy...

[Greg5280]

The Legend Of Big Red

I was in the store the other day.

You know, buying bullets and porno mags and stuff.

Checking out at the register though, I peeped the Big Red gum and it reminded me of a legendary tale.

Back in the day, when I was dominating college life, I ended up back at this chick's room after us both having consumed a sinister amount of alcohol.

I started doing some of my moves on her and she was digging it.  Really, she was in awe.

Breathing heavy and panting and shit.

Now at that time, if you were a girl and you breathed loudly around me, I took that to mean that you wanted me to take your pants off.

You have no idea how many times I got smacked in the face by girls with asthma...

Anyway, this chick was definitely into it.

Pants came off and her playground was open for business.

I thought that I'd show her some of my magical mystery moves before I got to the main event, so I went to work on her Danger Zone.

I remember going to town on her muff and doing an awesome job, but I don't remember much after that.

Until the next morning when I felt her elbowing me...

HER:  Hey.

ME:  ...

HER:  Hey.  Wake the fuck up.

ME:  What?

HER:  Look what you did.

So I thought it was a little weird that she was pointing to her bush, until I eyeballed it.

Turns out, that wad of gum that fell out of my mouth sometime the night before...? 

She found it.

That shit was all gnarled up in her bush. 

I swear, I didn't remember having THAT much gum in my mouth, but that glob of Big Red was huge.

It looked like she was wearing underpants made of gum.

And she was pissed.

So, I told her not to worry. 

Told her I'd gotten chewing gum unstuck from vaginas like a million times before.

Then I told her that I needed to go get a hairbrush, some paint thinner, and a putty knife.

And then I left, which was awesome.

To this day, I can't even smell Big Red gum without thinking about that girl's bush, which is also kind of awesome.

I was going to quote some of my favorite lines from this one but the entire post is a masterpiece.
I'm frigin' crying here. Thanks for coming back SWJ.
'crackup' 'crackup'

I guess that makes it a big red bush, banging red heads is always cool.

she deserved it for not shaving.

Very funny shit.... !!! Thanks !!

'crackup'

[DeanTheCoot]

"underpants made of gum"

Priceless

[GlennFtheKodiak]

The Legend Of Big Red

I was in the store the other day.

You know, buying bullets and porno mags and stuff.

Checking out at the register though, I peeped the Big Red gum and it reminded me of a legendary tale.

Back in the day, when I was dominating college life, I ended up back at this chick's room after us both having consumed a sinister amount of alcohol.

I started doing some of my moves on her and she was digging it.  Really, she was in awe.

Breathing heavy and panting and shit.

Now at that time, if you were a girl and you breathed loudly around me, I took that to mean that you wanted me to take your pants off.

You have no idea how many times I got smacked in the face by girls with asthma...

Anyway, this chick was definitely into it.

Pants came off and her playground was open for business.

I thought that I'd show her some of my magical mystery moves before I got to the main event, so I went to work on her Danger Zone.

I remember going to town on her muff and doing an awesome job, but I don't remember much after that.

Until the next morning when I felt her elbowing me...

HER:  Hey.

ME:  ...

HER:  Hey.  Wake the fuck up.

ME:  What?

HER:  Look what you did.

So I thought it was a little weird that she was pointing to her bush, until I eyeballed it.

Turns out, that wad of gum that fell out of my mouth sometime the night before...? 

She found it.

That shit was all gnarled up in her bush. 

I swear, I didn't remember having THAT much gum in my mouth, but that glob of Big Red was huge.

It looked like she was wearing underpants made of gum.

And she was pissed.

So, I told her not to worry. 

Told her I'd gotten chewing gum unstuck from vaginas like a million times before.

Then I told her that I needed to go get a hairbrush, some paint thinner, and a putty knife.

And then I left, which was awesome.

To this day, I can't even smell Big Red gum without thinking about that girl's bush, which is also kind of awesome.

I was going to quote some of my favorite lines from this one but the entire post is a masterpiece.
I'm frigin' crying here. Thanks for coming back SWJ.
'crackup' 'crackup'

I guess that makes it a big red bush, banging red heads is always cool.

she deserved it for not shaving.

[sensei]

The Legend Of Big Red

I was in the store the other day.

You know, buying bullets and porno mags and stuff.

Checking out at the register though, I peeped the Big Red gum and it reminded me of a legendary tale.

Back in the day, when I was dominating college life, I ended up back at this chick's room after us both having consumed a sinister amount of alcohol.

I started doing some of my moves on her and she was digging it.  Really, she was in awe.

Breathing heavy and panting and shit.

Now at that time, if you were a girl and you breathed loudly around me, I took that to mean that you wanted me to take your pants off.

You have no idea how many times I got smacked in the face by girls with asthma...

Anyway, this chick was definitely into it.

Pants came off and her playground was open for business.

I thought that I'd show her some of my magical mystery moves before I got to the main event, so I went to work on her Danger Zone.

I remember going to town on her muff and doing an awesome job, but I don't remember much after that.

Until the next morning when I felt her elbowing me...

HER:  Hey.

ME:  ...

HER:  Hey.  Wake the fuck up.

ME:  What?

HER:  Look what you did.

So I thought it was a little weird that she was pointing to her bush, until I eyeballed it.

Turns out, that wad of gum that fell out of my mouth sometime the night before...? 

She found it.

That shit was all gnarled up in her bush. 

I swear, I didn't remember having THAT much gum in my mouth, but that glob of Big Red was huge.

It looked like she was wearing underpants made of gum.

And she was pissed.

So, I told her not to worry. 

Told her I'd gotten chewing gum unstuck from vaginas like a million times before.

Then I told her that I needed to go get a hairbrush, some paint thinner, and a putty knife.

And then I left, which was awesome.

To this day, I can't even smell Big Red gum without thinking about that girl's bush, which is also kind of awesome.

I was going to quote some of my favorite lines from this one but the entire post is a masterpiece.
I'm frigin' crying here. Thanks for coming back SWJ.
'crackup' 'crackup'

I guess that makes it a big red bush, banging red heads is always cool.

[Kdip]

The Legend Of Big Red

I was in the store the other day.

You know, buying bullets and porno mags and stuff.

Checking out at the register though, I peeped the Big Red gum and it reminded me of a legendary tale.

Back in the day, when I was dominating college life, I ended up back at this chick's room after us both having consumed a sinister amount of alcohol.

I started doing some of my moves on her and she was digging it.  Really, she was in awe.

Breathing heavy and panting and shit.

Now at that time, if you were a girl and you breathed loudly around me, I took that to mean that you wanted me to take your pants off.

You have no idea how many times I got smacked in the face by girls with asthma...

Anyway, this chick was definitely into it.

Pants came off and her playground was open for business.

I thought that I'd show her some of my magical mystery moves before I got to the main event, so I went to work on her Danger Zone.

I remember going to town on her muff and doing an awesome job, but I don't remember much after that.

Until the next morning when I felt her elbowing me...

HER:  Hey.

ME:  ...

HER:  Hey.  Wake the fuck up.

ME:  What?

HER:  Look what you did.

So I thought it was a little weird that she was pointing to her bush, until I eyeballed it.

Turns out, that wad of gum that fell out of my mouth sometime the night before...? 

She found it.

That shit was all gnarled up in her bush. 

I swear, I didn't remember having THAT much gum in my mouth, but that glob of Big Red was huge.

It looked like she was wearing underpants made of gum.

And she was pissed.

So, I told her not to worry. 

Told her I'd gotten chewing gum unstuck from vaginas like a million times before.

Then I told her that I needed to go get a hairbrush, some paint thinner, and a putty knife.

And then I left, which was awesome.

To this day, I can't even smell Big Red gum without thinking about that girl's bush, which is also kind of awesome.

I was going to quote some of my favorite lines from this one but the entire post is a masterpiece.
I'm frigin' crying here. Thanks for coming back SWJ.
'crackup' 'crackup'

I'll second that!!! Things were a little boring :( in here while you were gone!!! Glad you are back!!!

[Volp]

The Legend Of Big Red

I was in the store the other day.

You know, buying bullets and porno mags and stuff.

Checking out at the register though, I peeped the Big Red gum and it reminded me of a legendary tale.

Back in the day, when I was dominating college life, I ended up back at this chick's room after us both having consumed a sinister amount of alcohol.

I started doing some of my moves on her and she was digging it. Really, she was in awe.

Breathing heavy and panting and shit.

Now at that time, if you were a girl and you breathed loudly around me, I took that to mean that you wanted me to take your pants off.

You have no idea how many times I got smacked in the face by girls with asthma...

Anyway, this chick was definitely into it.

Pants came off and her playground was open for business.

I thought that I'd show her some of my magical mystery moves before I got to the main event, so I went to work on her Danger Zone.

I remember going to town on her muff and doing an awesome job, but I don't remember much after that.

Until the next morning when I felt her elbowing me...

HER: Hey.

ME: ...

HER: Hey. Wake the fuck up.

ME: What?

HER: Look what you did.

So I thought it was a little weird that she was pointing to her bush, until I eyeballed it.

Turns out, that wad of gum that fell out of my mouth sometime the night before...?

She found it.

That shit was all gnarled up in her bush.

I swear, I didn't remember having THAT much gum in my mouth, but that glob of Big Red was huge.

It looked like she was wearing underpants made of gum.

And she was pissed.

So, I told her not to worry.

Told her I'd gotten chewing gum unstuck from vaginas like a million times before.

Then I told her that I needed to go get a hairbrush, some paint thinner, and a putty knife.

And then I left, which was awesome.

To this day, I can't even smell Big Red gum without thinking about that girl's bush, which is also kind of awesome.

I was going to quote some of my favorite lines from this one but the entire post is a masterpiece.
I'm frigin' crying here. Thanks for coming back SWJ.
'crackup' 'crackup'

[SWJ]

The Legend Of Big Red

I was in the store the other day.

You know, buying bullets and porno mags and stuff.

Checking out at the register though, I peeped the Big Red gum and it reminded me of a legendary tale.

Back in the day, when I was dominating college life, I ended up back at this chick's room after us both having consumed a sinister amount of alcohol.

I started doing some of my moves on her and she was digging it. Really, she was in awe.

Breathing heavy and panting and shit.

Now at that time, if you were a girl and you breathed loudly around me, I took that to mean that you wanted me to take your pants off.

You have no idea how many times I got smacked in the face by girls with asthma...

Anyway, this chick was definitely into it.

Pants came off and her playground was open for business.

I thought that I'd show her some of my magical mystery moves before I got to the main event, so I went to work on her Danger Zone.

I remember going to town on her muff and doing an awesome job, but I don't remember much after that.

Until the next morning when I felt her elbowing me...

HER: Hey.

ME: ...

HER: Hey. Wake the fuck up.

ME: What?

HER: Look what you did.

So I thought it was a little weird that she was pointing to her bush, until I eyeballed it.

Turns out, that wad of gum that fell out of my mouth sometime the night before...?

She found it.

That shit was all gnarled up in her bush.

I swear, I didn't remember having THAT much gum in my mouth, but that glob of Big Red was huge.

It looked like she was wearing underpants made of gum.

And she was pissed.

So, I told her not to worry.

Told her I'd gotten chewing gum unstuck from vaginas like a million times before.

Then I told her that I needed to go get a hairbrush, some paint thinner, and a putty knife.

And then I left, which was awesome.

To this day, I can't even smell Big Red gum without thinking about that girl's bush, which is also kind of awesome.

[Smokeyg]

Other Awesome Things To Bring Back Besides Me

1) The Six-Million Dollar Man
2) Blackjack Gum
3) Ninja movies
4) The original Pink Floyd
5) That drunk chick I banged that time at Six Flags

What??????? You still alive and quit you fucker????? 'bout time you showed your ass back up!!! We had written you off as caved and gone!!! I'll find that drunk chick so you can bang her again if you'll come back and post here again!!! I miss all your funny shit you used to post!! Get ur ass busy and post up some more 'hurry' : 'impatient' 'impatient' 'impatient'

Found her.