I'm A Douche

[SWJ]

A Letter To A Studio Photographer From A Four Year Old

Dear Studio Photographer Guy,

If I could get a wish from the Make-A-Wish Foundation, it would not be for me to go to Disney World.

I would wish for the chance to strangle the shit out of you.

Before doing so however, I would have some topics to discuss.

First, did you really read the fucking job application for this place before you filled it out...?

I checked and here is an excerpt from a job posting for a studio photographer at Target:

"...has high energy, and enjoys working and playing with children all day..."

Did you get that last part...?

You're fucking kidding me, right...?

That's a job description that you might see on an application for NAMBLA membership, you homo.

And can you not afford some new stuffed animals to distract me with...?

That stuffed elephant looks like an elephant sat on it, your stuffed clown looks like its been chewed on, and I don't even know what the fuck that other thing is, to be honest.

There are boogers stuck to almost everything and you keep waving that shit around in the air like a retard.

Guess what.

I'm only smiling to keep from vomiting all over this nappy carpet remnant that you put me on.

And where the fuck do you get these stupid backdrops anyway...?

Any idiot who looks at my photograph will know that I wasn't really on Mars when you took the picture, dumbass.

It doesn't even look like Mars anyway with that cartoon rocket ship in the background.

And is there a book somewhere of suggested retarded sayings for you to recite...?

Saying "Daddy has stinky feet" is not going to make me laugh.

Partly because it's not at all funny.

But mostly because my dad is going to be fucking pissed when he hears that you wanted me to say that about his feet.

There's nothing funny about saying "pickle", "clown-face", "marshmallow", or "boogedy-boogedy-boo" either.

You're an idiot.

In all my four years, I have never seen a more depressing, life-sucking career than yours.

My mom thinks you're creepy, I think you stink, yet you appear ever-convinced of your own cleverness.

You tilting my head to the side doesn't make me look cute or endearing.

It makes me look like I'm wondering whether or not I just shit my pants.

You probably got fired from Chuck E. Cheese because an outstanding organization like that wouldn't put up with your prancing faggotry.

In fact, if I could get down from this perch by myself, I would come over there and punch you in the balls.

In the meantime though, rest easy in the knowledge that even a four year old knows you're a douche.

Put that in your camera.

[Colonel_No_Cope]

Air Travel Is Weird

Being a flight attendant has got to be one of the weirdest jobs in the world.

The very first thing that you do each day when you greet a new customer is explain to him how he might get his shit wrecked in midair.

Imagine if waitresses did that.

WAITRESS:  Welcome to TGI Friday's, my name is Melanie, and I'll be your server today.

ME:  Hey.

WAITRESS:  Would you like to hear about what you should do if the roof catches fire and caves in on you while you're eating...?

That would be unsettling.

And it used to be that dudes were not allowed to be flight attendants, because that would have been gay.

Ironically, these days it's still really gay to be a male flight attendant, but it's allowed.

Well I don't like it.

On my flight the other day, my stewardess looked like this.

(And by the way, the stewardess is the one on the right.)

Do you know how many $4 cans of in-flight Pringles I would buy if my stewardess looked like this...?

Plus, they have all these weird rules on airplanes these days.

The last flight I was on, they actually suggested that, if the plane were to catch on fire at 30,000 feet and plummet into the ocean, that I should locate the nearest infant and strap a seat cushion to its back.

For safety.

Let me help you out, bitches.

#1:  I don't own an infant.

#2:  If you do own one, good for you.

#3:  But if our plane goes down, I will dominate your infant to make sure I get out first.

If I had my own airline, it would rule.

Here's what added value I would bring to the airline industry...

1.  Crowd Control

I would have bouncers on the plane.

If your shit got out of hand, they would muckle on to you and throw your dumb ass out.

Literally.

And the people behaving themselves would clap and cheer.

2.  Customer Incentives

If people wanted, they could get free tickets on my airplanes.

If you can do some awesome in-flight magic tricks that involve fire and sawing things in half...?

Free ticket.

If you're a hot bitch who doesn't mind taking her top off and frolicking around the cabin...?

Free ticket.

Whether it's magic tricks or titties, everybody wins.

3.  Cuisine

My planes would fit fewer people because I'd have to leave room for the kitchen.

None of this peanuts and crap like that.

I'd serve pizza, hot wings, Doritos, and stuff like that.

And by the way, why isn't there anyone in the airline industry that recognizes that Doritos are the shizzle...?

4.  Gate Service

You know those secret doors in airports that lead to the "Admiral's Club" or some other whacked out club that you're never allowed into...?

Mine would be at the gate and it wouldn't have a door on it.

We'd have kegs and college chicks and loud music and everything.

Those bitches at the adjoining gates would be jealous and would quit their jobs to come party with us.

My airline would dominate.

Anyway, at least until someone can come up with an airline that kicks ass, they could at least raise the standards for ugly, ill-tempered stewardesses...

'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
can't wait for your next installment!

Fuck the next installment, I want him to open his airline for business.

Get this shit rolling while I still have a job that requires business travel.

Can you imagine flying over to Iraq on his ariline??? Or flying back after a 13-15 month tour??? Fucking A bubba!!!

[Jason Longley]

*slowly backs out of the room before the Dean of mean hikes up his tough guy pants and beats me like a baby seal*

I don't wear pants. But I do like giving a seal a facial.

I heard that about you........sinner!

[DeanTheCoot]

*slowly backs out of the room before the Dean of mean hikes up his tough guy pants and beats me like a baby seal*

I don't wear pants. But I do like giving a seal a facial.

[cdforecheck]

Air Travel Is Weird

Being a flight attendant has got to be one of the weirdest jobs in the world.

The very first thing that you do each day when you greet a new customer is explain to him how he might get his shit wrecked in midair.

Imagine if waitresses did that.

WAITRESS: Welcome to TGI Friday's, my name is Melanie, and I'll be your server today.

ME: Hey.

WAITRESS: Would you like to hear about what you should do if the roof catches fire and caves in on you while you're eating...?

That would be unsettling.

And it used to be that dudes were not allowed to be flight attendants, because that would have been gay.

Ironically, these days it's still really gay to be a male flight attendant, but it's allowed.

Well I don't like it.

On my flight the other day, my stewardess looked like this.

(And by the way, the stewardess is the one on the right.)

Do you know how many $4 cans of in-flight Pringles I would buy if my stewardess looked like this...?

Plus, they have all these weird rules on airplanes these days.

The last flight I was on, they actually suggested that, if the plane were to catch on fire at 30,000 feet and plummet into the ocean, that I should locate the nearest infant and strap a seat cushion to its back.

For safety.

Let me help you out, bitches.

#1: I don't own an infant.

#2: If you do own one, good for you.

#3: But if our plane goes down, I will dominate your infant to make sure I get out first.

If I had my own airline, it would rule.

Here's what added value I would bring to the airline industry...

1. Crowd Control

I would have bouncers on the plane.

If your shit got out of hand, they would muckle on to you and throw your dumb ass out.

Literally.

And the people behaving themselves would clap and cheer.

2. Customer Incentives

If people wanted, they could get free tickets on my airplanes.

If you can do some awesome in-flight magic tricks that involve fire and sawing things in half...?

Free ticket.

If you're a hot bitch who doesn't mind taking her top off and frolicking around the cabin...?

Free ticket.

Whether it's magic tricks or titties, everybody wins.

3. Cuisine

My planes would fit fewer people because I'd have to leave room for the kitchen.

None of this peanuts and crap like that.

I'd serve pizza, hot wings, Doritos, and stuff like that.

And by the way, why isn't there anyone in the airline industry that recognizes that Doritos are the shizzle...?

4. Gate Service

You know those secret doors in airports that lead to the "Admiral's Club" or some other whacked out club that you're never allowed into...?

Mine would be at the gate and it wouldn't have a door on it.

We'd have kegs and college chicks and loud music and everything.

Those bitches at the adjoining gates would be jealous and would quit their jobs to come party with us.

My airline would dominate.

Anyway, at least until someone can come up with an airline that kicks ass, they could at least raise the standards for ugly, ill-tempered stewardesses...

'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
can't wait for your next installment!

[Jason Longley]

Um...who, exactly, does Jason McBlabbermouth think he is? He's way, way out of line.

And Kurt Russell is a douche. In his portrayal of Wyatt Earp, Wyatt Earp got sad and caring and shit. That was crap. Kevin Costner's portrayal was accurate, and Jason McBlabbermouth is a blowjob.

Very sorry for stepping on your dicks guys






*slowly backs out of the room before the Dean of mean hikes up his tough guy pants and beats me like a baby seal*

[DeanTheCoot]

Um...who, exactly, does Jason McBlabbermouth think he is? He's way, way out of line.

And Kurt Russell is a douche. In his portrayal of Wyatt Earp, Wyatt Earp got sad and caring and shit. That was crap. Kevin Costner's portrayal was accurate, and Jason McBlabbermouth is a blowjob.

[SWJ]

All this aside, great posts...

Because you included this wise nugget at the end of your otherwise retarded post, we will move on.

Lo Pan still rules because I say so.

Plus, you're taking away from my post below about airlines.

Knock it off.

[JpCrew]

Come on now, show me one Magician that does not look like a pederast!

Welcome, Jason.

In response, Lo Pan is a magician too.

So read the Lo Pan post on this page and watch your mouth, bitch.

For the record, Egg Shen got way more chicks than Lo Pan.

Why would you want to hang out with a gay magician who got a beat down by the star of Tango  Cash?





All this aside, great posts. Laughing is a nice break from wanting to strangle people lately.

'Popcorn'

[Jason Longley]

Come on now, show me one Magician that does not look like a pederast!

Welcome, Jason.

In response, Lo Pan is a magician too.

So read the Lo Pan post on this page and watch your mouth, bitch.

For the record, Egg Shen got way more chicks than Lo Pan.

Why would you want to hang out with a gay magician who got a beat down by the star of Tango  Cash?





All this aside, great posts. Laughing is a nice break from wanting to strangle people lately.

[SWJ]

Come on now, show me one Magician that does not look like a pederast!

Welcome, Jason.

In response, Lo Pan is a magician too.

So read the Lo Pan post on this page and watch your mouth, bitch.

[Jason Longley]

"If you can do some awesome in-flight magic tricks that involve fire and sawing things in half...?

Free ticket."



Come on now, show me one Magician that does not look like a pederast!

David Copperfield, David Blaine, Chriss Angel......all look like they would own a few too many hamsters and used paper towel rolls. Not cool.


If you must have entertainment over and above the titties, go with midget ninjas. That is all!

[SWJ]

Air Travel Is Weird

Being a flight attendant has got to be one of the weirdest jobs in the world.

The very first thing that you do each day when you greet a new customer is explain to him how he might get his shit wrecked in midair.

Imagine if waitresses did that.

WAITRESS: Welcome to TGI Friday's, my name is Melanie, and I'll be your server today.

ME: Hey.

WAITRESS: Would you like to hear about what you should do if the roof catches fire and caves in on you while you're eating...?

That would be unsettling.

And it used to be that dudes were not allowed to be flight attendants, because that would have been gay.

Ironically, these days it's still really gay to be a male flight attendant, but it's allowed.

Well I don't like it.

On my flight the other day, my stewardess looked like this.

(And by the way, the stewardess is the one on the right.)

Do you know how many $4 cans of in-flight Pringles I would buy if my stewardess looked like this...?

Plus, they have all these weird rules on airplanes these days.

The last flight I was on, they actually suggested that, if the plane were to catch on fire at 30,000 feet and plummet into the ocean, that I should locate the nearest infant and strap a seat cushion to its back.

For safety.

Let me help you out, bitches.

#1: I don't own an infant.

#2: If you do own one, good for you.

#3: But if our plane goes down, I will dominate your infant to make sure I get out first.

If I had my own airline, it would rule.

Here's what added value I would bring to the airline industry...

1. Crowd Control

I would have bouncers on the plane.

If your shit got out of hand, they would muckle on to you and throw your dumb ass out.

Literally.

And the people behaving themselves would clap and cheer.

2. Customer Incentives

If people wanted, they could get free tickets on my airplanes.

If you can do some awesome in-flight magic tricks that involve fire and sawing things in half...?

Free ticket.

If you're a hot bitch who doesn't mind taking her top off and frolicking around the cabin...?

Free ticket.

Whether it's magic tricks or titties, everybody wins.

3. Cuisine

My planes would fit fewer people because I'd have to leave room for the kitchen.

None of this peanuts and crap like that.

I'd serve pizza, hot wings, Doritos, and stuff like that.

And by the way, why isn't there anyone in the airline industry that recognizes that Doritos are the shizzle...?

4. Gate Service

You know those secret doors in airports that lead to the "Admiral's Club" or some other whacked out club that you're never allowed into...?

Mine would be at the gate and it wouldn't have a door on it.

We'd have kegs and college chicks and loud music and everything.

Those bitches at the adjoining gates would be jealous and would quit their jobs to come party with us.

My airline would dominate.

Anyway, at least until someone can come up with an airline that kicks ass, they could at least raise the standards for ugly, ill-tempered stewardesses...

[RoyJester]

HER: What are you doing...?

ME:

HER: Hey.

ME: What...?

HER: I said, what are you doing...?

I laughed out loud, this is how conversations in my garage start too. I'm with Dean, I want you in him.

[Jason Longley]

Killing Weeds  Kicking Ass

Yesterday, I was getting ready to kill some weeds.

It might come as no surprise to you that I don't kill weeds like a pussy.

None of that pluck-them-out-of-the-ground-one-by-one shit.

No thank you.

I prefer the weedocide method of spraying the weed and every living thing around it with a Napalm carcinogen.

I kill weeds like I do everything else.

I kick ass.

However, not wanting to kill the other shit around my weeds, I was trying to figure out if the stuff I was going to hit them with was going to decimate my grass.

Then, the epiphany.

My neighbor has some of the same weeds - I could just spray his shit and see how much of it died.

So, I was mixing up four gallons of liquid death when my wife came out into the garage.

HER: What are you doing...?

ME:

HER: Hey.

ME: What...?

HER: I said, what are you doing...?

ME: An experiment.

HER: What kind of experiment...? What are you talking about...?

ME: Don't worry about it.

HER: Don't you spray that stuff on the neighbor's lawn.

So, while in my mind, I drop kicked her in the face for bossing me around, I actually lied.

I told her that I would never do anything like that and asked her what kind of insensitive clod she took me for.

Then, when she went back inside, I went over and sprayed my neighbor's flowerbed.

This morning, I went to see how much of his shit had wrinkled up and died, and he came out of his garage and tried to bust me.

DOUCHE NEIGHBOR: Hey there, neighbor! Top o' the morning to you!

ME:

DOUCHE NEIGHBOR: Whatcha doin there...?

ME: Seeing what happens when I spray weed killer on your flower beds.

DOUCHE NEIGHBOR: Hahahaha...!

And that's how you handle shit.

Well played sir!


Of course if asked for my opinion I would have said kill it with fire!