I'm A Douche

[nkt]

Rules for Moving (if I'm helping you).

1. Have all of your shit packed before I get there. If it is not in a box and wrapped with lots of newspaper, I will break it.

2. If you are there to help, help. Do not show up late, complain about traffic, joke about your perfect timing because everything is done, and sit there smoking where I am forced to walk through your stink. Make especially sure not to act like you injure yourself moving one of the final (small) remaining items so that you won't have to help unload the truck.

3. Don't try to direct the show. I am in charge, and I say where things go. Keep your opinion on where to put the computer desk to yourself. I have a plan and I am lifting the shit, so fuck off.

4. Don't comment on my driving. I'm going to beat the shit out of the truck because it's a rental, and I bought the insurance. I am going to drive fast, because I packed the load and I know it will stay in place.

5. If you're not going to help, stay the fuck out of my way.

6. Provide meat. If I agree to help you move, I bust ass and get shit done. At the end of the day of moving, I expect to have lots of meat available to replenish my energy. It's just the considerate thing to do.

Bravo, Nate.

I think your rules make the grade - Simple, direct, and peppered with cuss words.

One additional rule that I believe is important to add would be the following:

7. Keep your kids away from me. I don't like kids in general, but I especially don't like yours. For additional clarity, see Rule #5.

Just one more if I may:

8: The beer had better not be light, and it had better be cold. Nothing sucks ass more than working my ass off for you and then having to leave so's I can go buy my own cold beer.

9. Do not ask me to help you move unless you intend to suck my johnson balls deep before and after the work is performed. Meat and beer are not sufficient to secure my help.

Thanks for the feedback guys. For the record: my wife thanked me for moving her relative as noted in rule #9 above, and the relative in question thanked all involved with large amounts of barbecued tri-tip sandwich as noted in rule #6. The uncle that inspired rules 2-5 is still, and will probably always be, a worthless douche.

[DeanTheCoot]

Rules for Moving (if I'm helping you).

1. Have all of your shit packed before I get there. If it is not in a box and wrapped with lots of newspaper, I will break it.

2. If you are there to help, help. Do not show up late, complain about traffic, joke about your perfect timing because everything is done, and sit there smoking where I am forced to walk through your stink. Make especially sure not to act like you injure yourself moving one of the final (small) remaining items so that you won't have to help unload the truck.

3. Don't try to direct the show. I am in charge, and I say where things go. Keep your opinion on where to put the computer desk to yourself. I have a plan and I am lifting the shit, so fuck off.

4. Don't comment on my driving. I'm going to beat the shit out of the truck because it's a rental, and I bought the insurance. I am going to drive fast, because I packed the load and I know it will stay in place.

5. If you're not going to help, stay the fuck out of my way.

6. Provide meat. If I agree to help you move, I bust ass and get shit done. At the end of the day of moving, I expect to have lots of meat available to replenish my energy. It's just the considerate thing to do.

Bravo, Nate.

I think your rules make the grade - Simple, direct, and peppered with cuss words.

One additional rule that I believe is important to add would be the following:

7. Keep your kids away from me. I don't like kids in general, but I especially don't like yours. For additional clarity, see Rule #5.

Just one more if I may:

8: The beer had better not be light, and it had better be cold. Nothing sucks ass more than working my ass off for you and then having to leave so's I can go buy my own cold beer.

9. Do not ask me to help you move unless you intend to suck my johnson balls deep before and after the work is performed. Meat and beer are not sufficient to secure my help.

[RoyJester]

Rules for Moving (if I'm helping you).

1. Have all of your shit packed before I get there. If it is not in a box and wrapped with lots of newspaper, I will break it.

2. If you are there to help, help. Do not show up late, complain about traffic, joke about your perfect timing because everything is done, and sit there smoking where I am forced to walk through your stink. Make especially sure not to act like you injure yourself moving one of the final (small) remaining items so that you won't have to help unload the truck.

3. Don't try to direct the show. I am in charge, and I say where things go. Keep your opinion on where to put the computer desk to yourself. I have a plan and I am lifting the shit, so fuck off.

4. Don't comment on my driving. I'm going to beat the shit out of the truck because it's a rental, and I bought the insurance. I am going to drive fast, because I packed the load and I know it will stay in place.

5. If you're not going to help, stay the fuck out of my way.

6. Provide meat. If I agree to help you move, I bust ass and get shit done. At the end of the day of moving, I expect to have lots of meat available to replenish my energy. It's just the considerate thing to do.

Bravo, Nate.

I think your rules make the grade - Simple, direct, and peppered with cuss words.

One additional rule that I believe is important to add would be the following:

7. Keep your kids away from me. I don't like kids in general, but I especially don't like yours. For additional clarity, see Rule #5.

Just one more if I may:

8: The beer had better not be light, and it had better be cold. Nothing sucks ass more than working my ass off for you and then having to leave so's I can go buy my own cold beer.

[SWJ]

Rules for Moving (if I'm helping you).

1. Have all of your shit packed before I get there. If it is not in a box and wrapped with lots of newspaper, I will break it.

2. If you are there to help, help. Do not show up late, complain about traffic, joke about your perfect timing because everything is done, and sit there smoking where I am forced to walk through your stink. Make especially sure not to act like you injure yourself moving one of the final (small) remaining items so that you won't have to help unload the truck.

3. Don't try to direct the show. I am in charge, and I say where things go. Keep your opinion on where to put the computer desk to yourself. I have a plan and I am lifting the shit, so fuck off.

4. Don't comment on my driving. I'm going to beat the shit out of the truck because it's a rental, and I bought the insurance. I am going to drive fast, because I packed the load and I know it will stay in place.

5. If you're not going to help, stay the fuck out of my way.

6. Provide meat. If I agree to help you move, I bust ass and get shit done. At the end of the day of moving, I expect to have lots of meat available to replenish my energy. It's just the considerate thing to do.

Bravo, Nate.

I think your rules make the grade - Simple, direct, and peppered with cuss words.

One additional rule that I believe is important to add would be the following:

7. Keep your kids away from me. I don't like kids in general, but I especially don't like yours. For additional clarity, see Rule #5.

[nkt]

SWJ: I thought about your page when I was moving an in-law last weekend, and it seemed like this post might fit in here, and fill in the gap in posting you've left recently. Feel free to add or edit rules if I've missed anything.

Rules for Moving (if I'm helping you).

1. Have all of your shit packed before I get there. If it is not in a box and wrapped with lots of newspaper, I will break it.

2. If you are there to help, help. Do not show up late, complain about traffic, joke about your perfect timing because everything is done, and sit there smoking where I am forced to walk through your stink. Make especially sure not to act like you injure yourself moving one of the final (small) remaining items so that you won't have to help unload the truck.

3. Don't try to direct the show. I am in charge, and I say where things go. Keep your opinion on where to put the computer desk to yourself. I have a plan and I am lifting the shit, so fuck off.

4. Don't comment on my driving. I'm going to beat the shit out of the truck because it's a rental, and I bought the insurance. I am going to drive fast, because I packed the load and I know it will stay in place.

5. If you're not going to help, stay the fuck out of my way.

6. Provide meat. If I agree to help you move, I bust ass and get shit done. At the end of the day of moving, I expect to have lots of meat available to replenish my energy. It's just the considerate thing to do.

[Volp]

1)  My hero Lee Majors embarrassingly hawking his Bionic Ear on television

Big fan of your page SWJ but what's next, Lindsay Wanger hawking the bionic elastic pussy molds or Bionic Bigfoot (you may remember the special, multi-part mini-drama which included Bigfoot) hawking bionic Bigfoot sized fake Doody? I'm with you on the Sham-Wow guy too. He's a big time Mr. McDouchalot.

[SWJ]

I apologize profusely for not having posted snippets of greatness here lately.

There has been some unexpected drama which has kept me somewhat preoccupied.

That is not to say that I have not had a plethora of subject matter occur to me...

It's just that my attention has been decidedly elsewhere over the last couple of weeks.

Here though, are a couple of possible subjects coming soon -

1) My hero Lee Majors embarrassingly hawking his Bionic Ear on television

2) My crazy in-laws

3) The extent to which I want to dominate Kelly Ripa's muff

4) How much I would pay to kung-fu the Sham-Wow guy

5) How much ass tuna fish kicks

These and other life-changing topics will undoubtedly be discussed here in the near future.

Until then bear with me, bitches.

[Hank]

SWJ where have you been?

[SWJ]

Just for the record, If my kid is fucking Kelly Ripa and his balls are bouncing off her ass and it just so happens that he borrowed my phone and is streaming live video of it to my house, and Im eating a slab of beef with Lo Pan. Can I tell Lo Pan that my kid is awesome, my phone is awesome, and hey check out that ball slappage. Or still gay???

You have just described what is easily a great man-moment of nirvana.

Definitely not gay.

[DeanTheCoot]

But oh my god...I would so much love to roger the Christ out of Kelly Ripa's skinny ass. I love getting fucked up by pointy bones whilst fucking a gal.

[DeanTheCoot]

4. Meat

THIS is going on my tombstone.

(Of course, I won't actually be in the grave, because I have become immortal. It will be a big joke.)

[Skoal Monster]

Just for the record, If my kid is fucking Kelly Ripa and his balls are bouncing off her ass and it just so happens that he borrowed my phone and is streaming live video of it to my house, and Im eating a slab of beef with Lo Pan. Can I tell Lo Pan that my kid is awesome, my phone is awesome, and hey check out that ball slappage. Or still gay???

[SWJ]

Oh my god. I love laughing. Good shit.

Me too, Dean. Me too.

But let us not forsake the seriousness of this topic for mere hilarity.

To review:

Things That Are Gay To Talk About:

1. Your balls.
2. Someone else's balls.
3. How awesome your kids are.
4. How much ass your cell phone kicks.

Things That Are Cool To Talk About:

1. Me
2. Lobo
3. Lo-Pan
4. Meat
5. Banging Kelly Ripa
6. Kung Fu

[DeanTheCoot]

Oh my god. I love laughing. Good shit.

[DeanTheCoot]

Jesus Christ...funny. My two cents:

I don't believe there is a problem with the masturbating in the first place, Roy. 

Example: "It is fucking awesome jerking off in front of you douchebags."

See...? No need to explain yourself, Roy. Whether a real itch or just itching to cum inside your pants, it's cool.

Dude, I don't think you're getting it...

It is generally acceptable for you to make an exclamation about your genitals, especially if you include at least one cuss word.

Your statement was neither an exclamation nor did it contain enough profanity.

Status of genital endowment should also be included.

Now I may be out of line but I believe the proper response would be:

Example: "Few more jerks on my monster fucking cock and the bastard's gonna blow!"

Touchee, Roy. I wish I made my statement an exclamation. If I did, I wouldn't feel like such a tool right now. I feel like Mike Yanagita.