I need to start this post by saying that I have not ingested any nicotine product, nor do I plan to.
That being said, I still have some troubling addictive behaviors and yesterday I hit the proverbial rock bottom. I desperately need help and I'm not sure where else to turn.
When I quit dip, I took the tack of "whatever you do to keep nicotine out of your system is ok." That mentality worked for my tobacco quit, but the coping mechanisms that I used have since developed into what I believe is an equally harmful addiction.
Over the last year or so, I have put on an extremely unhealthy amount of weight. I have also been drinking alone and trying to hide it - not very well apparently. It's not every night, or even many nights, but I will go on these binges where I eat everything in sight and drink myself into a stupor.
This happened yesterday and it needs to be the last time. Yesterday was extremely difficult in terms of cravings. All day it felt like I needed a dip, needed something in my system. My brain was just chasing those endorphins and it wouldn't leave me alone. I fed that craving with junk food and snacks throughout the day, but wasn't satisfied. When I got off work, I started drinking. I had two beers and then it was game on. Started drinking liquor - making sure to only pour from the full bottles, so the wife wouldn't notice it missing.
Obviously I got caught. She knew as soon as she walked in the door that I was drunk. I tried to lie about it, but that only made it worse. This is maybe the fourth or fifth time in the last year that this exact scenario has played out. As I said, this isn't an every night thing, but it can't happen again. I have a great marriage to a woman that I don't remotely deserve and this addict behavior could destroy that.
What I think has happened is that I've transferred my addictive compulsions from nicotine to food and alcohol. I will eat healthy for 4-5 days and then get what feels like an uncontrollable urge to pig out. Same thing with alcohol. I will be fine with a few drinks on some occasions, but sometimes I'll start drinking and not stop until I can't stand.
My biggest concern is that I'm trying to hide it and I'm not being honest about it with my wife. Getting caught might be the catalyst, but I've leaned enough about addiction to know that I need to make a change for myself. I'm 30 and I'm in the worst shape of my life. We just bought a house and are talking about kids, but that's not something we can do until I get my behavior under control. I'm tired of being a fat fuck and an irresponsible drunk.
I'm putting this out there because this is what worked before. This community provided a framework for helping me quit nicotine. I'm reaching out because I know others have put themselves in a similar situation. I need healthy coping mechanisms and need to develop a concrete plan rather than "working on it." Right now I'm not exactly sure how to do that and I'm hoping others will help with that.
For starters, I'm going to post in the weight loss / compulsive eating group at KTC. I'm also going to post in Alcohol Slow Down and explore Alcohol quit. I don't know if that's the right answer, but it's something I need to consider. One thing I will not do is open the door to nicotine.
Thank you to this community for your continued support. If you can relate to my situation, any advice is appreciated. Please feel free to send me a PM or respond here.
SIRDEREK:
Sent PM, but also wanted to add a little.
Remember how it felt when you first came here for getting nicotine out of your/our life. Before here, we always struggled to quit, and most of that we tried alone. We thought we had the strength to get it out of our life, but we learned how much 'easier' it can be when we are not alone but gain the support of others who are tackling the same demons.
Use that knowledge again. Well done by reaching out as you are not alone in this either.
With anything we encounter in life, it really is not how strong we are, but how smart we are. As we will learn :when we are being smart, the strength will build.
you did quit/control nicotine, you will quit/control alcohol. Just keep learning.
PHUCTUP:
Pky, one of the first things that struck me in what you wrote was that you had transferred your addictive behaviors to new, equally addictive behaviors. I did that back and forth and simultaneously for the past ten years of my life. And now, 67 days into quitting both nicotine and alcohol, I still have no idea what is going to replace them. I'm okay with the +1's still adding up, but I still haven't found that "thing" that helps with the stress, depression, anxiety, bill-paying day, random Tuesday night, whatever, that we addicts think we need to survive. I still have no idea what it's going to be, and that's still scary to me. I may be wrong, but I hear you saying the same thing. No matter what we use to try to replace our addictive behaviors, it'll never be enough. That's terrifying to me.
There's only ONE person on Earth that can define the level or severity of alcohol use, and that's obviously you. There are a number of online questionnaires you can take that have some questions you wouldn't normally think about, and I found those both eye-opening and avoidable when I first knew I was an alcoholic 8-10 years ago. Here's one I found with a quick search:
https://www.ncadd.org/get-help/take-the ... -self-test
Some of the troubling things you mention are the fact that you're hiding it from your wife, you're drinking to stupor/blackout stage, you're drinking alone, you're drinking to avoid problems, etc. Those are signs I knowingly lived with for years. I knew I was an alcoholic and I knew those were all signs, and yet I was too scared to face the truth and get help. You're asking for help!! Good for you!!!!
If you think you might have a problem with alcohol, go visit an AA meeting. Ask somebody you know who might be an alcoholic to go with you. Just listen to them, talk to them, open your mind to what they might say. It's terrifying to call myself an alcoholic, but I know by doing so, I took a step towards saving my life, the same as I did when I came back here and basically fell on my knees begging for help. I don't really mind the label anymore. It's kind of empowering to be honest.
You might not be an alcoholic. That's ONLY for you to decide. You might decide that this is all depression or anxiety based and you can still go on and be a normal social drinker. But don't be scared of the label if you decide to brand yourself. When I came here to KTC and walked in those rooms at AA, I was TOTALLY alone. Nobody was like me. I had nobody I would really consider a friend because I had pushed the all away. I'm gaining that here and at AA one day at a time, and one day that "thing" is going to click and I'm going to be content with my life without addiction.
I feel like I'm rambling now, so I'll stop, but you got this. Do the same thing you did here and just be honest with yourself. If you do that, you won't make a bad decision. I'm here anytime you might need to talk about it. I have a feeling all the guys over in the Alcohol Quit Group are, too.
