Updating, day 27 today... the weekend i spent a lot of time alone which caused a lot of triggers, like i expected. They come as little habitual instinct jabs, strong and sharp and seeming to come from my subconscious. Sometimes it i even feel it in my lips-- as a weird trigger or something. They pass quickly too, when I just recognize them and then let them go. But i have used a lot of gum lately, and sometimes I feel like i have to use the gum to get by. Some of that is lkely tension in my personal life too.
One thing I'm enjoying lately is not living the hidden life of ninja dipping. I don't have to sneak away to get a dip in, or worry about if i might need to spit, or wonder if its in my teeth when I talk to someone, or sneaking off to buy a can, or figuriing out how to hide my can when I go somewhere. Now I"m just me, without the dirty little secret, and that is great! Working on self-acceptance, because it's strange to not have to have the shame down inside.
A real highlight of the weekend was meeting up with KTC bro ihatecope and his brother when they came into Denver for the game. Feels good to have met the actual person who's going on the same path at about the same length of quit as me, and he's a great guy to boot! Fun meeting his brother too, who is also chew free but not nicotine free (yet).
Anxiety is a different experience without my old learned cope-ing technique. I"m having quite a bit from my family situation lately, and the main thing i notice is how hard it hits the body. Breathing is pretty helpful though, whereas I probably used to throw a dip in and make believe my problems were washed away. Hopefully the edge of the anxiety will soften as i get more used to how it really feels without addict behaviors on top of it. I also feel light headed, like the suck fog, sometimes from anxiety. How strange to actually be feeling and living my life unfiltered by the US Tobacco company! haha!!
That's it for today. I quit again today, it's worth it!
