I"m in- just found my way

[CaliforniaSlim]

What's up man?  How'd your weekend go?

Guess I better do an update- thanks for checking. On day 34 now.
The weekend quit was good overall. My gums are a little weird again, but it seems ok, they are probably just still heaing from decads of abuse. This is surely the longest they haven't been assaulted by shitjuice in at least a decade, when I last stopped for a while (using wellbutrin that time, but quitting for others and not myself).

The craves have changed. I don't have any fear of complacency, even though the fog seems to be cleared up pretty well lately. FOr a while, the craves were like ninja attacks with knives- sneaky, sharp, and deep. Now, they feel more like defensive linemen sacking an unaware quarterback. Sometimes when my guard is down, i'm not being wary at all, WHAM!!! big crave, hard, feeling like it is something purely and strongly habitual. THere doesn't seem to be any particular sort of trigger, rather than just being unaware. I"m still having spouse struggles-- and so craves from time to time there can be expected. I still get a crave now and then when I"m alone and aware of it. And I get them at other random times. They strike really hard, but i get through them. THere are probably 3-5 big ones per day.

I'm seeing these ones as strength training for later. Because they hit hard, I really have to try hard to get through them, and I do get through. Im thinking this little period will help prepare me for later, when I might get more complacent, and a crave come out of nowhere. At least I'll have some experience smacking some freight-train style craves back down (or maybe alternatively, flowing through them to let them pass).

Reading everyone else's posts continues to be source of strength to me, as to messages from some quit bros and sherpas. Thanks guys. I"m also noticing that it does help me to try and help others, just as the site promises. Proud to quit with KTC today!

Nice update. I remember that change in nic attack style too. I think it is your nic part of your brain realizing that the usual attacks don't work anymore, and is poking around for other paths.
As they kept telling me... You are making good use of your KTC library card... Keep using it. Reread some things you already read.. They will have new meaning at this point in your quit.
Stay strong... PM me if you need another number.
Glad to be quit with you

[brettlees]

What's up man? How'd your weekend go?

Guess I better do an update- thanks for checking. On day 34 now.
The weekend quit was good overall. My gums are a little weird again, but it seems ok, they are probably just still heaing from decads of abuse. This is surely the longest they haven't been assaulted by shitjuice in at least a decade, when I last stopped for a while (using wellbutrin that time, but quitting for others and not myself).

The craves have changed. I don't have any fear of complacency, even though the fog seems to be cleared up pretty well lately. FOr a while, the craves were like ninja attacks with knives- sneaky, sharp, and deep. Now, they feel more like defensive linemen sacking an unaware quarterback. Sometimes when my guard is down, i'm not being wary at all, WHAM!!! big crave, hard, feeling like it is something purely and strongly habitual. THere doesn't seem to be any particular sort of trigger, rather than just being unaware. I"m still having spouse struggles-- and so craves from time to time there can be expected. I still get a crave now and then when I"m alone and aware of it. And I get them at other random times. They strike really hard, but i get through them. THere are probably 3-5 big ones per day.

I'm seeing these ones as strength training for later. Because they hit hard, I really have to try hard to get through them, and I do get through. Im thinking this little period will help prepare me for later, when I might get more complacent, and a crave come out of nowhere. At least I'll have some experience smacking some freight-train style craves back down (or maybe alternatively, flowing through them to let them pass).

Reading everyone else's posts continues to be source of strength to me, as to messages from some quit bros and sherpas. Thanks guys. I"m also noticing that it does help me to try and help others, just as the site promises. Proud to quit with KTC today!

[Diesel2112]

What's up man? How'd your weekend go?

[Diesel2112]

One month???!!!

Damn, that is sweet. Good work.

You got one hell of a quit going. Don't give that bitch an inch. She will be relentless, which means you will have to be as well, and you have!!!

You feel weak or need some reinforcements, we are here for you. You don't have to battle this whore alone. You have mad backup.

Quit on...

[Mogul]

Now that is what I call a Quitter. Determined, Motivated, take no prisoners, I will kick your ass no matter what, kind of quitter. Way to be Brettlees

[brettlees]

I feel really fortunate to have support, suggestions, and encouragement from some quitting heros, warriors, sherpas, and good bros, and i'm not trying to call out for help today (yet, at least). Just logging my gratitude first, because when things get tough I reread ALL of you guy's words and i get through. Lately, there have been a lot of reminders to reach out I need to, and I will. That' s not now though. Instead, right now I just want log where I am and to vent some.

Today, day 28, i'm getting slammed. I have a headache. Anxiety and anger were high early this morning, and now I just want sleep or watch a movie and fight a nap at the same time. I am able to focus on work a little more than in most of my quit so far, and that's a good thing.  My home life is in the suck zone but I have a handful of people for support on that so it's not as bad as it could be-- i just have to trudge through it.  Along with the main things I"m feeling physically, which are a nasty headache and occasional ebb and flow of craves (that feel entirely like missing my little emotional dysfunctional nic bitch lover), i'm also feeling rage. Yes, i'm pissed again. Pissed at fucking nicotine. Pissed at my own addiction. I feel like i'm in a grieving process over my addiction. First, I push it back--- denial, isolation. Then, I"m pissed at it.  I don't dare drive, because if someone ticks me off i'll have a road rage performance to beat all, or alternatively i'll have to stuff the rage down inside. It woudln't be about them, it woudl be about the rage inside.

The rage is appropriate towards the addiction, i suppose, but I think it's also due to emotional processing about the flawed human that is an addict. That is, I think its a sort of becomeing unstuck from greiving -- i'm moving forward to acceptance. I've been told the steps of greiving are like this:
1. Denial/Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Sadness/Depression
5. Acceptance

So, I"m dancing all around this spectum, but a lot more towards anger this morning. Very interesting to me.  Exactly what am I greiving? Is it just my flaws that I"m greiving about? Is it whatever emotional hole that nicotine was supposed to fill and that makes me prone to addiciton?- meaning am i greiving that i have that emptyness, finally acknowledging it, (which means that I can hope to heal from it?!?!?).  This rings most true. Another option- i could be greiving the loss of my supposed friend, nic-bitch, after all these years. I hope it's more than that, because I hope for more healing than just my addiction, as hard as all this. So, I'll remain open to the other healing-- as long as I'm here, uncomfortable, I might as well try and make the most of the discomfort and foster the maximum growth I can. You don't make lasting changes and growth without discomfort, so this must be a really ripe time in my life for some growth. I'll take it, whatever comes, and I embrace this chance to do something I never have before- kick the nic-bitch, my biggest dirtly little secret for most of my life, out the f-ing door for good.

I'm starting to understand see some of the matrix in this KTC thing, and loving it. The recent caves discussions, newbie issues, plus getting to understand more about the vets, seems to all be helping me see a bigger picture. I love what i'm seeing.  

I"m proud and grateful to be quit with everyone on this damned site today!

dang, 4 weeks well done.

gonna take a page from Crash Davis....."Don't think too much you will just hurt the ballclub". 'crackup'

Enjoy your quit, relish in what you have accomplished and take it one day at a time.

At the same time remember when you are having bad times and let it out, tell all of us here. Not because we are doctors or whatever, but because we have been there and because sharing of yourself builds those bonds of brotherhood.

nice job bud, just keep that head down and quit EDD.

I like that you are writing all this down and getting it off your chest. It's very cathartic. Early in my quit I did the same except I didn't do it on here because I was too big a pussy to let others "see" how I was feeling. I had stacks and stacks of yellow legal paper that I used to write on and then carry around with me. I guarded them with my life. I didn't want anybody to see them, because what I was writting was basically that I was weak and that I missed my old "friend".

Many times I would sit down to write a hate letter to my "friend" and by the time I got done and read what I wrote...I had actually written a love letter about how much I missed it. I was stuck in denial for a long time. I skipped anger and bargaining and fell like a rock to sadness, but most specifically depression. Yet I continued to write on my yellow paper.

I kept all the papers in chronological order. Eventually as I came out of depression and to acceptance, I re read everything I had written. I hated it. I took what must have been about 500 pages of my yellow paper and I set it ablaze.

I regret that to no end. What I wouldn't give to go back and re read the raw emotions of my early struggles. I wish I would have done it here, as not only would people would have helped me along more quickly, it would always be here as a reminder of where I never want to go again. I have a lot of pages on my intro, but I should have much more.

I admire you for putting yourself out there. Although it sucks now, soon you will start to feel more and more progress and blow right through the acceptance stage and leave all the anxiety and anger in the dust.

You will feel like a fucking BOSS. It will be a glorious feeling, but the real beauty will be that you will be able to look back at your intro and really appreciate your journey because you were man enough to share how you were really feeling in the most difficult of times.

Keep it up. Not only are you helping yourself, you are inspiring a 534 day quit keyboard cowboy at the same time.

Much respect. You ever need anything, hit me up 24/7/365.

Thanks you guys- both of you are sharing good wisdom here from your own perspectives and it helps, and the support feels great! I'm honored.

Keep writing it allows you to organize your thoughts and vent which helps. It also helps me and other quit brothers who have had similar feelings. Bravo. Just always remember that the nic bitch doesnÂ’t fill any emotional holes. She is and always will be a consumer. Fill those emotional holes with positives such as writing on this site and making new KTC friends. IÂ’m FÂ’n proud to be quitting with you.

Wow this is brotherhood in action, and i appreciate it. Thanks ihc!

New surprise for the quit log today, day 30. Yesterday, Big Russ (one day ahead of me) was struggling with a mean fog. I was feeling for him, but also feeling lucky it wasn't me. Then, at 4 am, right on time, the nic bitch work me up. This time though, it was something new. What woke me up was the sensation of a big ol' dip in my lower lip (I used to put dips all over in my lips, not just there). It wasn't a dip dream where I was dipping in the dream, like some have been reporting, but just the sensation that work me up and stayed with me for an instant when I started waking. Then, a mean and strong suck fog, like the in single digit days of my quit, came on strong. And along with that came some headache flutters, and my guts were loud too. What the?????

What a sneaky little nic-bitch this morning at my house! really? waking me up with a chew sensation and then a killer fog again?!? Fuck off bitch! It might have worked before. I have to kind of chuckle at the novelty of it- i sure didn't expect it. But I got this one today. I know better, and I'm supported as all hell in my quit. The fog and headache are still here and I'll wait them out as much as i have to, sneaky little bitch ain't gonna get me today. I"m quitting for my life along with all the January Killers, February Flapper Flyers, and all the other sherpa-hero-bros and sisters here.

[ihatecope]

Congrats Day 30. That would be a month of wins. Keep quitting and I'll keep following.

[ihatecope]

I feel really fortunate to have support, suggestions, and encouragement from some quitting heros, warriors, sherpas, and good bros, and i'm not trying to call out for help today (yet, at least). Just logging my gratitude first, because when things get tough I reread ALL of you guy's words and i get through. Lately, there have been a lot of reminders to reach out I need to, and I will. That' s not now though. Instead, right now I just want log where I am and to vent some.

Today, day 28, i'm getting slammed. I have a headache. Anxiety and anger were high early this morning, and now I just want sleep or watch a movie and fight a nap at the same time. I am able to focus on work a little more than in most of my quit so far, and that's a good thing.  My home life is in the suck zone but I have a handful of people for support on that so it's not as bad as it could be-- i just have to trudge through it.  Along with the main things I"m feeling physically, which are a nasty headache and occasional ebb and flow of craves (that feel entirely like missing my little emotional dysfunctional nic bitch lover), i'm also feeling rage. Yes, i'm pissed again. Pissed at fucking nicotine. Pissed at my own addiction. I feel like i'm in a grieving process over my addiction. First, I push it back--- denial, isolation. Then, I"m pissed at it.  I don't dare drive, because if someone ticks me off i'll have a road rage performance to beat all, or alternatively i'll have to stuff the rage down inside. It woudln't be about them, it woudl be about the rage inside.

The rage is appropriate towards the addiction, i suppose, but I think it's also due to emotional processing about the flawed human that is an addict. That is, I think its a sort of becomeing unstuck from greiving -- i'm moving forward to acceptance. I've been told the steps of greiving are like this:
1. Denial/Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Sadness/Depression
5. Acceptance

So, I"m dancing all around this spectum, but a lot more towards anger this morning. Very interesting to me.  Exactly what am I greiving? Is it just my flaws that I"m greiving about? Is it whatever emotional hole that nicotine was supposed to fill and that makes me prone to addiciton?- meaning am i greiving that i have that emptyness, finally acknowledging it, (which means that I can hope to heal from it?!?!?).  This rings most true. Another option- i could be greiving the loss of my supposed friend, nic-bitch, after all these years. I hope it's more than that, because I hope for more healing than just my addiction, as hard as all this. So, I'll remain open to the other healing-- as long as I'm here, uncomfortable, I might as well try and make the most of the discomfort and foster the maximum growth I can. You don't make lasting changes and growth without discomfort, so this must be a really ripe time in my life for some growth. I'll take it, whatever comes, and I embrace this chance to do something I never have before- kick the nic-bitch, my biggest dirtly little secret for most of my life, out the f-ing door for good.

I'm starting to understand see some of the matrix in this KTC thing, and loving it. The recent caves discussions, newbie issues, plus getting to understand more about the vets, seems to all be helping me see a bigger picture. I love what i'm seeing.  

I"m proud and grateful to be quit with everyone on this damned site today!

dang, 4 weeks well done.

gonna take a page from Crash Davis....."Don't think too much you will just hurt the ballclub". 'crackup'

Enjoy your quit, relish in what you have accomplished and take it one day at a time.

At the same time remember when you are having bad times and let it out, tell all of us here. Not because we are doctors or whatever, but because we have been there and because sharing of yourself builds those bonds of brotherhood.

nice job bud, just keep that head down and quit EDD.

I like that you are writing all this down and getting it off your chest. It's very cathartic. Early in my quit I did the same except I didn't do it on here because I was too big a pussy to let others "see" how I was feeling. I had stacks and stacks of yellow legal paper that I used to write on and then carry around with me. I guarded them with my life. I didn't want anybody to see them, because what I was writting was basically that I was weak and that I missed my old "friend".

Many times I would sit down to write a hate letter to my "friend" and by the time I got done and read what I wrote...I had actually written a love letter about how much I missed it. I was stuck in denial for a long time. I skipped anger and bargaining and fell like a rock to sadness, but most specifically depression. Yet I continued to write on my yellow paper.

I kept all the papers in chronological order. Eventually as I came out of depression and to acceptance, I re read everything I had written. I hated it. I took what must have been about 500 pages of my yellow paper and I set it ablaze.

I regret that to no end. What I wouldn't give to go back and re read the raw emotions of my early struggles. I wish I would have done it here, as not only would people would have helped me along more quickly, it would always be here as a reminder of where I never want to go again. I have a lot of pages on my intro, but I should have much more.

I admire you for putting yourself out there. Although it sucks now, soon you will start to feel more and more progress and blow right through the acceptance stage and leave all the anxiety and anger in the dust.

You will feel like a fucking BOSS. It will be a glorious feeling, but the real beauty will be that you will be able to look back at your intro and really appreciate your journey because you were man enough to share how you were really feeling in the most difficult of times.

Keep it up. Not only are you helping yourself, you are inspiring a 534 day quit keyboard cowboy at the same time.

Much respect. You ever need anything, hit me up 24/7/365.

Thanks you guys- both of you are sharing good wisdom here from your own perspectives and it helps, and the support feels great! I'm honored.

Keep writing it allows you to organize your thoughts and vent which helps. It also helps me and other quit brothers who have had similar feelings. Bravo. Just always remember that the nic bitch doesnÂ’t fill any emotional holes. She is and always will be a consumer. Fill those emotional holes with positives such as writing on this site and making new KTC friends. IÂ’m FÂ’n proud to be quitting with you.

[ihatecope]

Updating, day 27 today... the weekend i spent a lot of time alone which caused a lot of triggers, like i expected. They come as little habitual instinct jabs, strong and sharp and seeming to come from my subconscious. Sometimes it i even feel it in my lips-- as a weird trigger or something. They pass quickly too, when I just recognize them and then let them go. But i have used a lot of gum lately, and sometimes I feel like i have to use the gum to get by. Some of that is lkely tension in my personal life too.

One thing I'm enjoying lately is not living the hidden life of ninja dipping. I don't have to sneak away to get a dip in, or worry about if i might need to spit, or wonder if its in my teeth when I talk to someone, or sneaking off to buy a can, or figuriing out how to hide my can when I go somewhere. Now I"m just me, without the dirty little secret, and that is great! Working on self-acceptance, because it's strange to not have to have the shame down inside.

A real highlight of the weekend was meeting up with KTC bro ihatecope and his brother when they came into Denver for the game. Feels good to have met the actual person who's going on the same path at about the same length of quit as me, and he's a great guy to boot! Fun meeting his brother too, who is also chew free but not nicotine free (yet).

Anxiety is a different experience without my old learned cope-ing technique. I"m having quite a bit from my family situation lately, and the main thing i notice is how hard it hits the body. Breathing is pretty helpful though, whereas I probably used to throw a dip in and make believe my problems were washed away. Hopefully the edge of the anxiety will soften as i get more used to how it really feels without addict behaviors on top of it. I also feel light headed, like the suck fog, sometimes from anxiety. How strange to actually be feeling and living my life unfiltered by the US Tobacco company! haha!!

That's it for today. I quit again today, it's worth it!

Quit with you today. Stay on course and just focus all your quit into winning the battle today. Fight and call for backup when its too much. You will have an army of quitters that will circle the wagons around you and the nic bitch will retreat.

Use the tools you have here. The Prideful cave because they aren't humble to call for backup when they should.

Get numbers and use them!

As the others said, this is some good stuff. I enjoy reading your entries, they are full of self reflection that we can all learn and be inspired by.
Proud to be quit with you

Way to go. I had the anxiety too. It will pass. Congrats again - we are all right here with you.

Jayhawk

Seeing the Broncos beat up KC was awesome and meeting up with you was icing on the cake. I really think meeting a KTC brother strengthen my quit which I am grateful for. P.S. I am working on my brothers. I hate the nic bitch so much I can stand by to see anyone I care for be enslaved and poisoned.

[brettlees]

I feel really fortunate to have support, suggestions, and encouragement from some quitting heros, warriors, sherpas, and good bros, and i'm not trying to call out for help today (yet, at least). Just logging my gratitude first, because when things get tough I reread ALL of you guy's words and i get through. Lately, there have been a lot of reminders to reach out I need to, and I will. That' s not now though. Instead, right now I just want log where I am and to vent some.

Today, day 28, i'm getting slammed. I have a headache. Anxiety and anger were high early this morning, and now I just want sleep or watch a movie and fight a nap at the same time. I am able to focus on work a little more than in most of my quit so far, and that's a good thing.  My home life is in the suck zone but I have a handful of people for support on that so it's not as bad as it could be-- i just have to trudge through it.  Along with the main things I"m feeling physically, which are a nasty headache and occasional ebb and flow of craves (that feel entirely like missing my little emotional dysfunctional nic bitch lover), i'm also feeling rage. Yes, i'm pissed again. Pissed at fucking nicotine. Pissed at my own addiction. I feel like i'm in a grieving process over my addiction. First, I push it back--- denial, isolation. Then, I"m pissed at it.  I don't dare drive, because if someone ticks me off i'll have a road rage performance to beat all, or alternatively i'll have to stuff the rage down inside. It woudln't be about them, it woudl be about the rage inside.

The rage is appropriate towards the addiction, i suppose, but I think it's also due to emotional processing about the flawed human that is an addict. That is, I think its a sort of becomeing unstuck from greiving -- i'm moving forward to acceptance. I've been told the steps of greiving are like this:
1. Denial/Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Sadness/Depression
5. Acceptance

So, I"m dancing all around this spectum, but a lot more towards anger this morning. Very interesting to me.  Exactly what am I greiving? Is it just my flaws that I"m greiving about? Is it whatever emotional hole that nicotine was supposed to fill and that makes me prone to addiciton?- meaning am i greiving that i have that emptyness, finally acknowledging it, (which means that I can hope to heal from it?!?!?).  This rings most true. Another option- i could be greiving the loss of my supposed friend, nic-bitch, after all these years. I hope it's more than that, because I hope for more healing than just my addiction, as hard as all this. So, I'll remain open to the other healing-- as long as I'm here, uncomfortable, I might as well try and make the most of the discomfort and foster the maximum growth I can. You don't make lasting changes and growth without discomfort, so this must be a really ripe time in my life for some growth. I'll take it, whatever comes, and I embrace this chance to do something I never have before- kick the nic-bitch, my biggest dirtly little secret for most of my life, out the f-ing door for good.

I'm starting to understand see some of the matrix in this KTC thing, and loving it. The recent caves discussions, newbie issues, plus getting to understand more about the vets, seems to all be helping me see a bigger picture. I love what i'm seeing.  

I"m proud and grateful to be quit with everyone on this damned site today!

dang, 4 weeks well done.

gonna take a page from Crash Davis....."Don't think too much you will just hurt the ballclub". 'crackup'

Enjoy your quit, relish in what you have accomplished and take it one day at a time.

At the same time remember when you are having bad times and let it out, tell all of us here. Not because we are doctors or whatever, but because we have been there and because sharing of yourself builds those bonds of brotherhood.

nice job bud, just keep that head down and quit EDD.

I like that you are writing all this down and getting it off your chest. It's very cathartic. Early in my quit I did the same except I didn't do it on here because I was too big a pussy to let others "see" how I was feeling. I had stacks and stacks of yellow legal paper that I used to write on and then carry around with me. I guarded them with my life. I didn't want anybody to see them, because what I was writting was basically that I was weak and that I missed my old "friend".

Many times I would sit down to write a hate letter to my "friend" and by the time I got done and read what I wrote...I had actually written a love letter about how much I missed it. I was stuck in denial for a long time. I skipped anger and bargaining and fell like a rock to sadness, but most specifically depression. Yet I continued to write on my yellow paper.

I kept all the papers in chronological order. Eventually as I came out of depression and to acceptance, I re read everything I had written. I hated it. I took what must have been about 500 pages of my yellow paper and I set it ablaze.

I regret that to no end. What I wouldn't give to go back and re read the raw emotions of my early struggles. I wish I would have done it here, as not only would people would have helped me along more quickly, it would always be here as a reminder of where I never want to go again. I have a lot of pages on my intro, but I should have much more.

I admire you for putting yourself out there. Although it sucks now, soon you will start to feel more and more progress and blow right through the acceptance stage and leave all the anxiety and anger in the dust.

You will feel like a fucking BOSS. It will be a glorious feeling, but the real beauty will be that you will be able to look back at your intro and really appreciate your journey because you were man enough to share how you were really feeling in the most difficult of times.

Keep it up. Not only are you helping yourself, you are inspiring a 534 day quit keyboard cowboy at the same time.

Much respect. You ever need anything, hit me up 24/7/365.

Thanks you guys- both of you are sharing good wisdom here from your own perspectives and it helps, and the support feels great! I'm honored.

[Diesel2112]

I feel really fortunate to have support, suggestions, and encouragement from some quitting heros, warriors, sherpas, and good bros, and i'm not trying to call out for help today (yet, at least). Just logging my gratitude first, because when things get tough I reread ALL of you guy's words and i get through. Lately, there have been a lot of reminders to reach out I need to, and I will. That' s not now though. Instead, right now I just want log where I am and to vent some.

Today, day 28, i'm getting slammed. I have a headache. Anxiety and anger were high early this morning, and now I just want sleep or watch a movie and fight a nap at the same time. I am able to focus on work a little more than in most of my quit so far, and that's a good thing.  My home life is in the suck zone but I have a handful of people for support on that so it's not as bad as it could be-- i just have to trudge through it.  Along with the main things I"m feeling physically, which are a nasty headache and occasional ebb and flow of craves (that feel entirely like missing my little emotional dysfunctional nic bitch lover), i'm also feeling rage. Yes, i'm pissed again. Pissed at fucking nicotine. Pissed at my own addiction. I feel like i'm in a grieving process over my addiction. First, I push it back--- denial, isolation. Then, I"m pissed at it.  I don't dare drive, because if someone ticks me off i'll have a road rage performance to beat all, or alternatively i'll have to stuff the rage down inside. It woudln't be about them, it woudl be about the rage inside.

The rage is appropriate towards the addiction, i suppose, but I think it's also due to emotional processing about the flawed human that is an addict. That is, I think its a sort of becomeing unstuck from greiving -- i'm moving forward to acceptance. I've been told the steps of greiving are like this:
1. Denial/Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Sadness/Depression
5. Acceptance

So, I"m dancing all around this spectum, but a lot more towards anger this morning. Very interesting to me.  Exactly what am I greiving? Is it just my flaws that I"m greiving about? Is it whatever emotional hole that nicotine was supposed to fill and that makes me prone to addiciton?- meaning am i greiving that i have that emptyness, finally acknowledging it, (which means that I can hope to heal from it?!?!?).  This rings most true. Another option- i could be greiving the loss of my supposed friend, nic-bitch, after all these years. I hope it's more than that, because I hope for more healing than just my addiction, as hard as all this. So, I'll remain open to the other healing-- as long as I'm here, uncomfortable, I might as well try and make the most of the discomfort and foster the maximum growth I can. You don't make lasting changes and growth without discomfort, so this must be a really ripe time in my life for some growth. I'll take it, whatever comes, and I embrace this chance to do something I never have before- kick the nic-bitch, my biggest dirtly little secret for most of my life, out the f-ing door for good.

I'm starting to understand see some of the matrix in this KTC thing, and loving it. The recent caves discussions, newbie issues, plus getting to understand more about the vets, seems to all be helping me see a bigger picture. I love what i'm seeing. 

I"m proud and grateful to be quit with everyone on this damned site today!

dang, 4 weeks well done.

gonna take a page from Crash Davis....."Don't think too much you will just hurt the ballclub". 'crackup'

Enjoy your quit, relish in what you have accomplished and take it one day at a time.

At the same time remember when you are having bad times and let it out, tell all of us here. Not because we are doctors or whatever, but because we have been there and because sharing of yourself builds those bonds of brotherhood.

nice job bud, just keep that head down and quit EDD.

I like that you are writing all this down and getting it off your chest. It's very cathartic. Early in my quit I did the same except I didn't do it on here because I was too big a pussy to let others "see" how I was feeling. I had stacks and stacks of yellow legal paper that I used to write on and then carry around with me. I guarded them with my life. I didn't want anybody to see them, because what I was writting was basically that I was weak and that I missed my old "friend".

Many times I would sit down to write a hate letter to my "friend" and by the time I got done and read what I wrote...I had actually written a love letter about how much I missed it. I was stuck in denial for a long time. I skipped anger and bargaining and fell like a rock to sadness, but most specifically depression. Yet I continued to write on my yellow paper.

I kept all the papers in chronological order. Eventually as I came out of depression and to acceptance, I re read everything I had written. I hated it. I took what must have been about 500 pages of my yellow paper and I set it ablaze.

I regret that to no end. What I wouldn't give to go back and re read the raw emotions of my early struggles. I wish I would have done it here, as not only would people would have helped me along more quickly, it would always be here as a reminder of where I never want to go again. I have a lot of pages on my intro, but I should have much more.

I admire you for putting yourself out there. Although it sucks now, soon you will start to feel more and more progress and blow right through the acceptance stage and leave all the anxiety and anger in the dust.

You will feel like a fucking BOSS. It will be a glorious feeling, but the real beauty will be that you will be able to look back at your intro and really appreciate your journey because you were man enough to share how you were really feeling in the most difficult of times.

Keep it up. Not only are you helping yourself, you are inspiring a 534 day quit keyboard cowboy at the same time.

Much respect. You ever need anything, hit me up 24/7/365.

[SirDerek]

I feel really fortunate to have support, suggestions, and encouragement from some quitting heros, warriors, sherpas, and good bros, and i'm not trying to call out for help today (yet, at least). Just logging my gratitude first, because when things get tough I reread ALL of you guy's words and i get through. Lately, there have been a lot of reminders to reach out I need to, and I will. That' s not now though. Instead, right now I just want log where I am and to vent some.

Today, day 28, i'm getting slammed. I have a headache. Anxiety and anger were high early this morning, and now I just want sleep or watch a movie and fight a nap at the same time. I am able to focus on work a little more than in most of my quit so far, and that's a good thing. My home life is in the suck zone but I have a handful of people for support on that so it's not as bad as it could be-- i just have to trudge through it. Along with the main things I"m feeling physically, which are a nasty headache and occasional ebb and flow of craves (that feel entirely like missing my little emotional dysfunctional nic bitch lover), i'm also feeling rage. Yes, i'm pissed again. Pissed at fucking nicotine. Pissed at my own addiction. I feel like i'm in a grieving process over my addiction. First, I push it back--- denial, isolation. Then, I"m pissed at it. I don't dare drive, because if someone ticks me off i'll have a road rage performance to beat all, or alternatively i'll have to stuff the rage down inside. It woudln't be about them, it woudl be about the rage inside.

The rage is appropriate towards the addiction, i suppose, but I think it's also due to emotional processing about the flawed human that is an addict. That is, I think its a sort of becomeing unstuck from greiving -- i'm moving forward to acceptance. I've been told the steps of greiving are like this:
1. Denial/Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Sadness/Depression
5. Acceptance

So, I"m dancing all around this spectum, but a lot more towards anger this morning. Very interesting to me. Exactly what am I greiving? Is it just my flaws that I"m greiving about? Is it whatever emotional hole that nicotine was supposed to fill and that makes me prone to addiciton?- meaning am i greiving that i have that emptyness, finally acknowledging it, (which means that I can hope to heal from it?!?!?). This rings most true. Another option- i could be greiving the loss of my supposed friend, nic-bitch, after all these years. I hope it's more than that, because I hope for more healing than just my addiction, as hard as all this. So, I'll remain open to the other healing-- as long as I'm here, uncomfortable, I might as well try and make the most of the discomfort and foster the maximum growth I can. You don't make lasting changes and growth without discomfort, so this must be a really ripe time in my life for some growth. I'll take it, whatever comes, and I embrace this chance to do something I never have before- kick the nic-bitch, my biggest dirtly little secret for most of my life, out the f-ing door for good.

I'm starting to understand see some of the matrix in this KTC thing, and loving it. The recent caves discussions, newbie issues, plus getting to understand more about the vets, seems to all be helping me see a bigger picture. I love what i'm seeing.

I"m proud and grateful to be quit with everyone on this damned site today!

dang, 4 weeks well done.

gonna take a page from Crash Davis....."Don't think too much you will just hurt the ballclub". 'crackup'

Enjoy your quit, relish in what you have accomplished and take it one day at a time.

At the same time remember when you are having bad times and let it out, tell all of us here. Not because we are doctors or whatever, but because we have been there and because sharing of yourself builds those bonds of brotherhood.

nice job bud, just keep that head down and quit EDD.

[brettlees]

I feel really fortunate to have support, suggestions, and encouragement from some quitting heros, warriors, sherpas, and good bros, and i'm not trying to call out for help today (yet, at least). Just logging my gratitude first, because when things get tough I reread ALL of you guy's words and i get through. Lately, there have been a lot of reminders to reach out I need to, and I will. That' s not now though. Instead, right now I just want log where I am and to vent some.

Today, day 28, i'm getting slammed. I have a headache. Anxiety and anger were high early this morning, and now I just want sleep or watch a movie and fight a nap at the same time. I am able to focus on work a little more than in most of my quit so far, and that's a good thing. My home life is in the suck zone but I have a handful of people for support on that so it's not as bad as it could be-- i just have to trudge through it. Along with the main things I"m feeling physically, which are a nasty headache and occasional ebb and flow of craves (that feel entirely like missing my little emotional dysfunctional nic bitch lover), i'm also feeling rage. Yes, i'm pissed again. Pissed at fucking nicotine. Pissed at my own addiction. I feel like i'm in a grieving process over my addiction. First, I push it back--- denial, isolation. Then, I"m pissed at it. I don't dare drive, because if someone ticks me off i'll have a road rage performance to beat all, or alternatively i'll have to stuff the rage down inside. It woudln't be about them, it woudl be about the rage inside.

The rage is appropriate towards the addiction, i suppose, but I think it's also due to emotional processing about the flawed human that is an addict. That is, I think its a sort of becomeing unstuck from greiving -- i'm moving forward to acceptance. I've been told the steps of greiving are like this:
1. Denial/Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Sadness/Depression
5. Acceptance

So, I"m dancing all around this spectum, but a lot more towards anger this morning. Very interesting to me. Exactly what am I greiving? Is it just my flaws that I"m greiving about? Is it whatever emotional hole that nicotine was supposed to fill and that makes me prone to addiciton?- meaning am i greiving that i have that emptyness, finally acknowledging it, (which means that I can hope to heal from it?!?!?). This rings most true. Another option- i could be greiving the loss of my supposed friend, nic-bitch, after all these years. I hope it's more than that, because I hope for more healing than just my addiction, as hard as all this. So, I'll remain open to the other healing-- as long as I'm here, uncomfortable, I might as well try and make the most of the discomfort and foster the maximum growth I can. You don't make lasting changes and growth without discomfort, so this must be a really ripe time in my life for some growth. I'll take it, whatever comes, and I embrace this chance to do something I never have before- kick the nic-bitch, my biggest dirtly little secret for most of my life, out the f-ing door for good.

I'm starting to understand see some of the matrix in this KTC thing, and loving it. The recent caves discussions, newbie issues, plus getting to understand more about the vets, seems to all be helping me see a bigger picture. I love what i'm seeing.

I"m proud and grateful to be quit with everyone on this damned site today!

[Jayhawk]

Updating, day 27 today... the weekend i spent a lot of time alone which caused a lot of triggers, like i expected. They come as little habitual instinct jabs, strong and sharp and seeming to come from my subconscious. Sometimes it i even feel it in my lips-- as a weird trigger or something. They pass quickly too, when I just recognize them and then let them go. But i have used a lot of gum lately, and sometimes I feel like i have to use the gum to get by. Some of that is lkely tension in my personal life too.

One thing I'm enjoying lately is not living the hidden life of ninja dipping. I don't have to sneak away to get a dip in, or worry about if i might need to spit, or wonder if its in my teeth when I talk to someone, or sneaking off to buy a can, or figuriing out how to hide my can when I go somewhere. Now I"m just me, without the dirty little secret, and that is great! Working on self-acceptance, because it's strange to not have to have the shame down inside.

A real highlight of the weekend was meeting up with KTC bro ihatecope and his brother when they came into Denver for the game. Feels good to have met the actual person who's going on the same path at about the same length of quit as me, and he's a great guy to boot! Fun meeting his brother too, who is also chew free but not nicotine free (yet).

Anxiety is a different experience without my old learned cope-ing technique. I"m having quite a bit from my family situation lately, and the main thing i notice is how hard it hits the body. Breathing is pretty helpful though, whereas I probably used to throw a dip in and make believe my problems were washed away. Hopefully the edge of the anxiety will soften as i get more used to how it really feels without addict behaviors on top of it. I also feel light headed, like the suck fog, sometimes from anxiety. How strange to actually be feeling and living my life unfiltered by the US Tobacco company! haha!!

That's it for today. I quit again today, it's worth it!

Quit with you today. Stay on course and just focus all your quit into winning the battle today. Fight and call for backup when its too much. You will have an army of quitters that will circle the wagons around you and the nic bitch will retreat.

Use the tools you have here. The Prideful cave because they aren't humble to call for backup when they should.

Get numbers and use them!

As the others said, this is some good stuff. I enjoy reading your entries, they are full of self reflection that we can all learn and be inspired by.
Proud to be quit with you

Way to go. I had the anxiety too. It will pass. Congrats again - we are all right here with you.

Jayhawk

[CaliforniaSlim]

Updating, day 27 today... the weekend i spent a lot of time alone which caused a lot of triggers, like i expected. They come as little habitual instinct jabs, strong and sharp and seeming to come from my subconscious. Sometimes it i even feel it in my lips-- as a weird trigger or something. They pass quickly too, when I just recognize them and then let them go. But i have used a lot of gum lately, and sometimes I feel like i have to use the gum to get by. Some of that is lkely tension in my personal life too.

One thing I'm enjoying lately is not living the hidden life of ninja dipping. I don't have to sneak away to get a dip in, or worry about if i might need to spit, or wonder if its in my teeth when I talk to someone, or sneaking off to buy a can, or figuriing out how to hide my can when I go somewhere. Now I"m just me, without the dirty little secret, and that is great! Working on self-acceptance, because it's strange to not have to have the shame down inside.

A real highlight of the weekend was meeting up with KTC bro ihatecope and his brother when they came into Denver for the game. Feels good to have met the actual person who's going on the same path at about the same length of quit as me, and he's a great guy to boot! Fun meeting his brother too, who is also chew free but not nicotine free (yet).

Anxiety is a different experience without my old learned cope-ing technique. I"m having quite a bit from my family situation lately, and the main thing i notice is how hard it hits the body. Breathing is pretty helpful though, whereas I probably used to throw a dip in and make believe my problems were washed away. Hopefully the edge of the anxiety will soften as i get more used to how it really feels without addict behaviors on top of it. I also feel light headed, like the suck fog, sometimes from anxiety. How strange to actually be feeling and living my life unfiltered by the US Tobacco company! haha!!

That's it for today. I quit again today, it's worth it!

Quit with you today. Stay on course and just focus all your quit into winning the battle today. Fight and call for backup when its too much. You will have an army of quitters that will circle the wagons around you and the nic bitch will retreat.

Use the tools you have here. The Prideful cave because they aren't humble to call for backup when they should.

Get numbers and use them!

As the others said, this is some good stuff. I enjoy reading your entries, they are full of self reflection that we can all learn and be inspired by.
Proud to be quit with you