Day 16 of my 2nd quit.

[Stratomatic]

Hey Bubba... I've been reading your posts here and I just wanted to share my congrats and mad respect for you while you are working through this. I can't possibly offer anything in the way of advise that the other bad asses on here have done so well at. But I want you to know that you have inspired me and I am here for you if you need anything. My work requires me to be on call 24x7 so I'm going to PM you my digits, if you need to text or chat or call someone, know I'll be there with you, anytime you may need. It will get better, there is no other option. Stay strong in your quit and know that we are all here quitting with you brother!

[BubbaM]

I feel it has helped me to stay away from KTC. I feel that I obsess and then ruminate over my thoughts if I am on KTC to much throughout the day. I will likely post roll in the morning or have someone get me a text pickup. If I am not on the site all the time then I am not always thinking about chew and then I can live a bit. I do not know if this makes sense to any of you but it does to me. I am still searching for who I want to be as a person. How do I want to be known from people? Not in a performance based setting but in a relationship based setting. What do I want people to remember me by. I am kinda on a journey of self-discovery. If that makes any sense. I am going to try like dam not to be on the site all the time today and throughout the weekend. I just get on here and start reading and start ruminating over things that I should not worry about. I have started getting better at running. I have only been drinking water throughout the day. I have an occasional none caffeinated pop if we go out to eat. I do not really worry about what I am eating. I can just tell that my portions are not as big as they used to be. I have been working out for the last however many days and I feel my pants getting loose.

Most people love remembering their day count. I feel when I say my day count in the morning that it can get me down and depressed. I cannot tell you why. I feel it is because at first it was hard for me and it would get me down right away in the morning and then I would not be able to snap out of it. If I could forget my day count that would be great. Because then I wouldn't ruminate on that.

I have been going to a lot of therapy sessions and they have been telling me that when I am wanting chew that could mean I am feeling a certain feeling. Like I hate this, or this sucks, or I am mad. Because I would mask all of my feelings with nicotine then it would make me happy. This idea does make a bit of sense to me so I am going with it. When I get a craving or an urge I need to realize I could just be mad or sad about something.

By the way the last day that I went crazy in my quit group. I was actually mad at first but then I kept going and I was making myself laugh. I had a good time posting what I posted. It put me in a good mood.

Anyhow, I am hoping that I am going to be able to start handling myself better now. I am hoping that getting off the meds will not make me have such drastic mood swings. I have also came to the conclusion that forever is to big of a word for me. Some guys on here just lose it and start talking about forever and you can never chew again. Well, with me, forever is to big of a word. It freaks me out way too much. So when I wake up, I go for a run, and Hopefully day by day I will wake up and fight, wake up and say if I can beat yesterday, I can beat today. Forever is just to much for me and I hope you understand that. However I need to start learning to live One Day at a time. That is not as scary to me.

[kybo]

This is some powerful testimony, brother. I read some of your journal early on, but I haven't been back for awhile. And after what I read this morning I have to say that I am super proud of you. You are one tough dude to still be standing tall.

My advice to you is to stop comparing your quit to everyone else's quit. This is your journey, not theirs. Some of us are just destined to travel a different path. Some paths are easy, and some are more difficult. We don't always get to choose which path we travel. Just remember, there is nothing wrong with asking for help along the way.

I have had my struggles too. I am 137 days quit today and I feel pretty damn good. But, I still occasionally find myself talking out loud to a dead friend of mine. I have no fucking idea why I do it. I swear I have no control over it. It usually happens when I am completely exhausted and trying to push through to finish whatever physical task I am working on. For whatever reason it just sometimes feels like he is there with me trying to encourage me to keep moving forward. I have analyzed the shit out of it in my down time. I seriously think it is just my permanently altered subconscious trying to help me through the day. But, who knows? I am to the point where I don't really care whether I am talking to myself or to the ghost of Christmas past or to the Easter bunny. All I care about is that I am adding one more day to my day count.

I am not going to pretend to have any answers for you. All I can do is share the things that have worked for me. And the number one thing that has worked for me has been to just stay busy. I have learned that idle time is my enemy. As long as I am doing something, my addict brain seems to leave me alone. And the more physical that something is, the better it seems to distract me. Exercise and hard physical labor have kept me on my road to recovery. I have also pretty much changed everything about my daily routines to eliminate as many triggers as possible. Shit, I even bought a new truck yesterday because the old one was still kind of a little trigger for me every once in awhile. I have committed myself to doing whatever it takes to stay quit.

Reading your journal this morning has strengthened my quit. It takes a real man to share his struggles. Thank you. I am proud to quit with you today.

[BubbaM]

DonÂ’t even know how to feel. At my daughters ball game and I swear you notice everyone dipping. IÂ’m not craving. Just saying, man I hope that dude isnÂ’t swallowing. IÂ’m not judging IÂ’m just saying I hope he is smart enough to spit. Even thatÂ’s not smart. His little dude can play too. IÂ’ve thrown BP to him and he has whacked me in the nuts. Kids a little lefty and can hit some ropes.

[worktowin]

You can stop. I'm not saying don't stop. But you HAVE to talk to your doctor about it before hand. There are some drugs that you HAVE to be taken off slowly, or replaced by another for a couple doses. Do Not stop taking your medication prior to discussing it with your doctor first.

Bubba,

I don't know you from Adam, but I do know James. I also know GoneCruisin, and Mike from AB, and a lot of other great quitters that have had a hell of a time with anxiety. Some used meds short term, some need them forever. Some didn't use them at all. There is no stigma with getting some help. This isn't your fault, but whatever road you go down - you need to full on believe in and rely on... and give that road a chance.

And, again, you MUST get in a winning frame of mind. You have got to start winning mentally. Right now, your posts don't sound like you are winning, they sound like you are wearing out after a 70+ day fight. Stop and smell the roses and if even for a second realize that you are winning a gigantic battle. Oh, one more thing, no more talk of caving and asking your parents if it is OK to cave. We don't talk like losers around these parts. We are winners, and by God we act like it.

You can do this bro.

[Gromo]

You can stop. I'm not saying don't stop. But you HAVE to talk to your doctor about it before hand. There are some drugs that you HAVE to be taken off slowly, or replaced by another for a couple doses. Do Not stop taking your medication prior to discussing it with your doctor first.

[Gromo]

DO NOT stop taking your meds without discussing it with your doctor first. I cannot stress this enough

DO NOT stop taking your meds without discussing it with your doctor first.

[BubbaM]

Afternoon day 76

This shouldnÂ’t be this dam hard. Why the crap do I obsess over this. I shouldnÂ’t have to reach out and cry about this every dam day. I am not going to the doctor I am not taking anymore
Meds. My act needs to get together. My hardest time are my down times and my mind starts wandering. It is crap. I pray and I breath deep and I try to focus on other things. I have to come outside everyday after work and sit on the step. Then I get on here and start freaking out. I donÂ’t post in my month anymore so guys donÂ’t think IÂ’m looney. Or so people donÂ’t complain about my complaining. I post in my mind ntronnow because not everybody looks at them. I am still giving up KTC for a few days. Maybe thatÂ’s the problem. Then I freaking obsess over this crap. Maybe then I will find some hobbies or fun things to do rather then cry like a baby all the time on here. IÂ’m pissed more then anything. Pissed I canÂ’t chew today. Pissed that chew can kill me. Pissed that I am not a strong dude and can just let shit slide off my shoulder. I just want to start cussing. I freaking seriously believed that nothing bad would ever happen to me. I kept chewing
And chewing and chewing. Now IÂ’m so addicted I want to keep chewing. I canÂ’t even relax after work now because I am so addicted that my mind only wants one thing.

[BubbaM]

Day 76

Alright, morning started off pretty good. The day got rolling and I have some pretty drastic mood swings. I cannot tell you why but I do. I am going to assume its because I have been putting all these meds into my body. I need to give this a few days and let my body level out. Need to try and get some good sleep tonight and then go from there. I feel a lot of people are getting sick of me on KTC. I had one person that I look up to explain to me that he believes I am a sympathy junkie. And that I am addicted to the social media experience on KTC. He very well could be correct. I am not denying anything. I did not want to mention his name just to keep it private. But I do kind of understand where he is coming from. I feel like I am in this loop of feeling sorry for myself and not really being able to heal myself all together. I mean I am still contemplating going back to the poison. The thing that I do realize is that I would not say this second or this day or even tomorrow for that matter is a good time for me to go back to chewing. I obviously has some issues that I am trying to figure out. I do not believe that today is a great day to see if chew will solve my issues. Sometimes I love the battle to say no. Sometimes my body cannot handle the battle to say no.

With all of this being said. I feel maybe I do need to take some time off of KTC. Just to kind of get my barometric pressure adjusted right. And to see if I truly want to do this. Dudes, I am not saying that I am going back in the next couple days to the chew. I am just saying that I likely need a few days for self reflection and self regulation. Hell maybe I will be rejuvenated after a few days. Or maybe I will find the answers that I am looking for by myself. Because all I have done the last 76 days is look for answers on here and read and read and read and PM people looking for answers. Maybe the answers are right in front of me. Maybe I just need to go about my day and see how my moods are without KTC and without Chew. I feel sometimes I make a promise and I am a man of my word and that is the only reason why I am quit. Not because it is my choice. I want to see what I want to do. And it would be good for me to take a day or two away from the site. This is not a planned cave. This is not me telling you I am going to give up. It is me trying to discover what I need to discover in myself. Without any attention from the KTC community. I am going to try and stay away for at least 2 days. I may not be able to. Obviously you would find out if I cant. Because I would be back on my intro posting about my day.

By the way, with whatever happens to me in the future. I do respect everyone on KTC and I do respect every bodies time. We are all addicts and we all have our own choices to make. I cannot feel bad if I let people down. and People cannot feel bad if they let me down.

[Mack213]

Your still here. Fighting. That's amazing. But you dont understand just how bad ass you've been this whole time Bubba. Do you realize others in your shoes probably would have caved by now? But not you. Your stronger than that.

I just want you to hear it from the other side, I dont see you as weak, I see a really tough ass man making the right decision day in and day out, even when you think you dont want to. Deep down you really do, and you know that, that's why your still quit. And will be staying that way.

[BubbaM]

I am getting off all the meds. I am going to give it a few days. I am going to see how I feel then. I have had a pretty bad experience with meds the last 3 meds I have taken. If there is stuff I need to handle it looks like I will handle it on my own. If I canÂ’t sleep, I will get some Tylenol pm or zzzquil. ThatÂ’s the plan as of right now.

[Gromo]

I just asked my Dad if I could go back to chewing because I want my life to be back to normal. He said its my choice. He would not be disappointed. That is where I am at. I do not know what to do anymore. My mind keeps flicking back and forth.

No offense bro...but that'd be pretty dumb. Talk to a doc, get on the right meds, keep trying med's until you find the right med. Talk to the therapist until maybe you can get off the meds. Take some suppliments that help. Magnesium and lemon balm leaf help me.

If you have to be on meds the rest of your life...at least they wont kill you like dip will.

You are going to quit dipping eventually. You're gonna go through the same thing then as you are now except then you'll have to deal with it for an extra 75 days that you've already made it through.

I can't stress enough...Go talk to your doc. Get on the right meds.

[BubbaM]

I just asked my Dad if I could go back to chewing because I want my life to be back to normal. He said its my choice. He would not be disappointed. That is where I am at. I do not know what to do anymore. My mind keeps flicking back and forth.

[BubbaM]

Day 75

Just an update. I need to vent and get some stuff off my chest. Its about 2:00pm. I am back at school today. I am fighting obsessive thoughts all day long. I try and keep my mind busy and work all day. Just like I have the past week. The part that scares me is that my brain is starting to plan going back to chewing again. What I am going to say to my family members. What I am going to say to my parents. What I am going to say to you guys. I feel like this is why I had a mental breakdown. It was because my brain or my mind is planning these things. But I know what is right and wrong and what I should do and should not do. After all it is a choice. Why is it that this path is hard for me? I feel that a lot of the people that I am quitting with might be having an easier time. And or they are happy about their quit. I guess I am not there yet. As my days go on. Sometimes I feel it is harder to stay quit then it was the first few weeks. This should not become harder. It should become easier. Does not help that yesterday was an all time low for me. I was stuck inside at home all day and cried. I cried a lot. This is getting to be draining but today is a glimmer of hope. Other then the whole my mind is planning to go back to chewing bit. I do not really know how to take that or what to think about it. It is hard to say. Maybe other people are not having an easier time then me. Maybe the just don't talk about it. Right now I am sweating for some reason. I do not know if it is hot in here or if I am just beginning to freak out. I have started to work out. I have started to run every other morning. It is a run/walk. I try and go as long as I can, then I walk a bit. Mentally I am drained. I just feel it is a miracle that I have made it this far.

[Gromo]

I want to apologize if I make anybody mad. I post all my problems, some people like it. Some donÂ’t. When I am posting on here I am posting with a sense of panic because ThatÂ’s exactly how I feel. I have been operating out of fear for the last 74 days. I canÂ’t tell you why that is but thatÂ’s how I have been operating. I am trying to turn the corner. I just feel like that last 74 days have been the hardest in my life. I donÂ’t have any answers. I have a million questions. I go to therapy, now I have a psychiatrist and they tell me that chew was my crutch to deal with everyday life. Now I am without that. And I am fully lost. My life has been turned upside down. I am afraid of losing my job and my family over this. We are still a young family. We have been married 10 years. Never did I think that we would be dealing with my mental breakdown.

Brother I feel you man, my first breakdown was 6 months into my marriage. It has not been easy on my wife. But my death would be harder, not having me around to see our children graduate college, our grandchildren be born would be harder, watching me struggle on my death bed for potentially years with what makes me, me disappearing by the day would be harder. She understands that and she understands its worth it because she saw what happened when I brought my crutch back, because I wasn't as strong as you the first time, I didn't have the tools you have the first time, and I caved and I can assure you, they come back as soon as you try to take that crutch away again and you'll eventually have to, because you don't wanna live like a hunched over bitch forever, you wanna stand tall with no crutch needed walk wherever you go proud instead of defeated. Your wife needs to understand and I'm sure she does just because while it seems to suck right now, it'll get better. IT GETS BETTER...And I can't tell you it'll be better tomorrow or next week or next month but eventually the good days will come back, hell it starts with the good hours bro. It really does. Then once you go through enough shit days with good hours mixed in you get a couple good days here and there. and then pretty soon the good days outweigh the bad.

You can't focus on the bad bro...I know its hard not to. But today you're gonna have a couple good hours, shit you might only get a couple good minutes...but thats what you need to see...You focus on the suck all you see is suck...You focus on the WIN, no matter how little they may seem...pretty soon its hard to even notice the suck. It's just like W2W was saying Bro.

I believe in you bro, you're kicking ass.