Day 16 of my 2nd quit.

[BubbaM]

Well pricks! 94 was a doozy! But I am home. I am clean. I have won! This shit is an emotional roller coaster when you finally realize that you have always solved your problems with nicotine. Or always went there for stress. You have to excuse my crazy ass posting sometimes because that is how I get through my emotional times. When they happen. Man, I get emotional but way easier to control. And it has been for a reason lately. I can tell you what it is about. Today I got emotional because I went back to the town we moved to and I had a lot of hard feelings about it. First time back in 2 years. To be honest, I think I got some closure. Within time, I feel if I keep posting promises, I will begin to feel normal, and relax, and not think about dip every dam hour!

Athan-I read something you wrote about being a ditch digger. And how you would still be dipping if you were a ditch digger. YOU KNOW WHAT! I AM A DITCH DIGGER. I install sprinklers in the summer and dig holes all dam day. This may be possible to do. To stay quit. ODAAT!

[BubbaM]

Struggling emotionally right now. I feel it will pass. Just facing some hard things today for me. Walked the field I used to coach on. Brought out some strong emotions and tears. Put my heart and soul into that field and coaching. Guess I was doing to for the wrong reasons. ME! Selfish ME! Should of been about building stronger relationships and not just trying to win. DonÂ’t get me wrong, I did some great things with kids. But my mind probly wasnÂ’t in the right place.

I donÂ’t know how or why I have made it this long. I am no bullshit, I donÂ’t sugar coat how I am feeling. The only reason I donÂ’t use is because I have posted roll and I keep my word that day. I feel like I am just waiting for the opportunity not to post roll. Waiting for a good enough excuse. If there is one. As you can tell, I am a man divided. Healing sucks. Quitting sucks. Starting to chew sucks at a young age. I was happy, I was a happy 15 year old kid. Then I decided to put some shit in my mouth. Was still happy after that. Now IÂ’m sad. Sad of feeling like this.

It will pass, it will pass. Days will get better. Just slogging along today.

[BubbaM]

Just an FYI, I am going back to the town we moved away from today. We are going to see some old friends but itÂ’s going to be hard for me. My family was not very welcomed and we both had coaching and teaching jobs that were very stressful for a number of different reasons. I have not been back there in 2 years. There is going to be a lot of emotions and thoughts running through my head today! IÂ’m not going to say itÂ’s going to be a bad day...But I am going to grow and make the best of it. It is good for me to face this.

Also, I have to admit this. I donÂ’t know if I lied. For the past 8 years I dipped whenever I got stressed. And that was at school. At first I would take a walk. Then it escalated into ninja dipping where ever. Before I quit I realized I was dipping to much and totally stoped at school. That was for 2-3 weeks before I quit. I know I have lied to other people at school if they asked if I dipped there. After I told them I quit they asked. For some reason I had to get this off my chest.

[JMckay]

Hey there have been reading your intro should have contacted you sooner. I quit chew to mostly help with anxiety. I had anxiety issue before I quit tobacco. For some people its not the same eventually it got better for me but was just not myself started going to tharipist with anxiety there is underling issues that need resolved I'm hitting them head on lately and its spiking my anxiety but I will never dip. All the effort it took me to get here couldn't throw that out. I think it takes along time for the brain to rewire. I found that I'm a people pleaser have hard time saying no to others and carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. Just know those things is easy finding the reason we are the way we are is hard and and changing how we think of our selves and others and respond harder yet. Im changing myself and without my nic crutch its tough I've had issues at home and work at the same time and my body still wants this crap over year later. Just wonna say I understand but I wish I didn't lol
Ask for help cause I do get it I'm living it but I'm getting better
Jmckay 421

Ps keep that shit out of your mouth

[BubbaM]

Outsider observation:

Do you still feel like chewing is a good thing? Does the thought of it sound like a good idea? You speak of "just quitting for a year" and seem to romanticize dip.

Your doing something right because your still quit. I hope deep down in my soul that your brain constantly reminds you that it will kill you. Not put a sore in your mouth, not make your breath stink. Kill. Dead. See ya kids. See ya wife. Have fun without me. I chose dip over you.

I dont know why of all the intros I'm compelled to write on yours. But I wish you well man. Keep going.

Yes Mack, my mind mulls all the information you stated just like yesterday I thinking romantically about dip and then started to tear up because that is selfish to think that way. I have lived a fairly selfish life so far.

[Mack213]

Outsider observation:

Do you still feel like chewing is a good thing? Does the thought of it sound like a good idea? You speak of "just quitting for a year" and seem to romanticize dip.

Your doing something right because your still quit. I hope deep down in my soul that your brain constantly reminds you that it will kill you. Not put a sore in your mouth, not make your breath stink. Kill. Dead. See ya kids. See ya wife. Have fun without me. I chose dip over you.

I dont know why of all the intros I'm compelled to write on yours. But I wish you well man. Keep going.

[BubbaM]

As many of you know I can tend to be a negative person. I have found that out. I also struggle to
Move on from things. My mind tends to move in the direction of, your quitting because you havenÂ’t lived any of your life without it. And my mind tend to say, just quit for a year, see how you feel then. My mind is a crazy place. I am hoping that I learn to live without and that my mind will finally settle with one day at a time and IÂ’m not touching it again. See when I quit it wasnÂ’t planned. I woke up seen some sores in my mouth and said IÂ’m done. Prior to that it was ah move it around. Everything will be alright. My mind comes up with everything to throw at me. Or I do it myself. Bubba you just drank to much pop. ItÂ’s ok. You can dip. I am letting you know. I am doing my best everyday. I donÂ’t know what the future will bring. ODAAT.

[worktowin]

Thinking out load, so your telling me that if you keep posting a promise, but you really want to dip, or you really want to cave. Then after time those feelings would go away? If you posted a promise daily and kept to it? DonÂ’t you love my mind?

Posting gives everyone your word for the day. If your word is worth a shit, youÂ’ll keep your word. YouÂ’ve already seen how much help people will give daily to help you keep your word.

Healing takes time. And that is what this process is... healing. In time things get better. When? Everyone is different. But there are turning points along the way. This will not be a constant fight. There will be peace ahead. But your job isnÂ’t to try to get there. It is to keep your word today.

Does that help?

Yea your good...I am probly in a small funk...teared up once...but dunks or weird moods now are not destroying my days...I can survive and function...I may keep working to stay busy...because I still donÂ’t like downtime...That will come too...

Bro you have really come a long way. YouÂ’ve fought like hell. YouÂ’ve had to rewire a lot of your brain. But you are figuring it out and you are winning. Even in the midst of the struggles that remain, I hope you feel 10Â’ tall. You should.

[BubbaM]

Thinking out load, so your telling me that if you keep posting a promise, but you really want to dip, or you really want to cave. Then after time those feelings would go away? If you posted a promise daily and kept to it? DonÂ’t you love my mind?

Posting gives everyone your word for the day. If your word is worth a shit, youÂ’ll keep your word. YouÂ’ve already seen how much help people will give daily to help you keep your word.

Healing takes time. And that is what this process is... healing. In time things get better. When? Everyone is different. But there are turning points along the way. This will not be a constant fight. There will be peace ahead. But your job isnÂ’t to try to get there. It is to keep your word today.

Does that help?

Yea your good...I am probly in a small funk...teared up once...but dunks or weird moods now are not destroying my days...I can survive and function...I may keep working to stay busy...because I still donÂ’t like downtime...That will come too...

[worktowin]

Thinking out load, so your telling me that if you keep posting a promise, but you really want to dip, or you really want to cave. Then after time those feelings would go away? If you posted a promise daily and kept to it? DonÂ’t you love my mind?

Posting gives everyone your word for the day. If your word is worth a shit, youÂ’ll keep your word. YouÂ’ve already seen how much help people will give daily to help you keep your word.

Healing takes time. And that is what this process is... healing. In time things get better. When? Everyone is different. But there are turning points along the way. This will not be a constant fight. There will be peace ahead. But your job isnÂ’t to try to get there. It is to keep your word today.

Does that help?

[BubbaM]

Thinking out load, so your telling me that if you keep posting a promise, but you really want to dip, or you really want to cave. Then after time those feelings would go away? If you posted a promise daily and kept to it? DonÂ’t you love my mind?

[BubbaM]

Is there a funk in the 90Â’s. IÂ’m not that down, just kinda bored. I have just been laying around this morning and man. Not feeling terrible but just weird again. Maybe I just need to start my day and stop laying around. Get off KTC and go out and enjoy this gloomy rainy day. But seriously...anybody else feel this way?

[Candoit]

I donÂ’t know how to describe how I am feeling...weird? Nervous? I donÂ’t know if itÂ’s anxiety...I really donÂ’t think it is...I broke down for a few minutes after describing to my wife how I was feeling. I am tearing up right now typing...just had a meeting at my district building about a free trip I get to go on by myself in July to colonial Williamsburg. The only thought in my stupid head is man that trip would be super good if I could dip. Man I donÂ’t know what the heck is going on. I have been doing super good lately with my emotions. I still can tell this is different. I am not fully going bat shit crazy. I feel this would have been a lot easier if I wouldnÂ’t have touched the meds. The meds I feel made me go crazy. Now I feel I am getting normal emotions from getting off dip. And itÂ’s not about how bad I have struggled but about this journey. Dammit IÂ’m still crying. At points I just wish I had someone that was exactly like me. Went the same journey as me so I could talk to them. But thatÂ’s not what this is about. ItÂ’s up to me. ItÂ’s my choice to put shit in my mouth or not. I can put seeds, gum, jolly ranchers, fake dip. But not cat shit. The last couple days I have started feeling bad about using fake again for some reason. That doesnÂ’t matter either. Just as long as itÂ’s not cat shit that can kill me. I am feeling better now. I wasnÂ’t even really that down. I just was feeling an emotion. When I struggle it is when I donÂ’t know what emotion I am feeling. I think I was nervous? Scared? After all the meeting was about the future and the future freaks me out! Alright IÂ’m done. Going to go cook pork chops on the grill and then go to LL. Thanks

ODAAT!
No more obsessing tonight! Go to baseball and have fun!

There are a lot more people on this site than you think that are going through all the same things you are. I am always a PM away Bubba, you know that. Stay strong, this shit isn't easy to kick man. I've quit a lot of things and nothing compares to quitting dip. You have to remember how strong you are to make it this far.

Bubba I have been there. Hell I still feel overwhelmed like that all the time.

Rawls told me this, shortly after my life imploded....

“In order to make the best wine you need to crush the grapes beyond recognition. God wants to make a fine wine out of you, in order to do so, he needs to crush you.”

Surrender to to him and begin to let our Father be a Father. Where there is light there can be no darkness.

[Jpquit]

I donÂ’t know how to describe how I am feeling...weird? Nervous? I donÂ’t know if itÂ’s anxiety...I really donÂ’t think it is...I broke down for a few minutes after describing to my wife how I was feeling. I am tearing up right now typing...just had a meeting at my district building about a free trip I get to go on by myself in July to colonial Williamsburg. The only thought in my stupid head is man that trip would be super good if I could dip. Man I donÂ’t know what the heck is going on. I have been doing super good lately with my emotions. I still can tell this is different. I am not fully going bat shit crazy. I feel this would have been a lot easier if I wouldnÂ’t have touched the meds. The meds I feel made me go crazy. Now I feel I am getting normal emotions from getting off dip. And itÂ’s not about how bad I have struggled but about this journey. Dammit IÂ’m still crying. At points I just wish I had someone that was exactly like me. Went the same journey as me so I could talk to them. But thatÂ’s not what this is about. ItÂ’s up to me. ItÂ’s my choice to put shit in my mouth or not. I can put seeds, gum, jolly ranchers, fake dip. But not cat shit. The last couple days I have started feeling bad about using fake again for some reason. That doesnÂ’t matter either. Just as long as itÂ’s not cat shit that can kill me. I am feeling better now. I wasnÂ’t even really that down. I just was feeling an emotion. When I struggle it is when I donÂ’t know what emotion I am feeling. I think I was nervous? Scared? After all the meeting was about the future and the future freaks me out! Alright IÂ’m done. Going to go cook pork chops on the grill and then go to LL. Thanks

ODAAT!
No more obsessing tonight! Go to baseball and have fun!

There are a lot more people on this site than you think that are going through all the same things you are. I am always a PM away Bubba, you know that. Stay strong, this shit isn't easy to kick man. I've quit a lot of things and nothing compares to quitting dip. You have to remember how strong you are to make it this far.

[BubbaM]

I donÂ’t know how to describe how I am feeling...weird? Nervous? I donÂ’t know if itÂ’s anxiety...I really donÂ’t think it is...I broke down for a few minutes after describing to my wife how I was feeling. I am tearing up right now typing...just had a meeting at my district building about a free trip I get to go on by myself in July to colonial Williamsburg. The only thought in my stupid head is man that trip would be super good if I could dip. Man I donÂ’t know what the heck is going on. I have been doing super good lately with my emotions. I still can tell this is different. I am not fully going bat shit crazy. I feel this would have been a lot easier if I wouldnÂ’t have touched the meds. The meds I feel made me go crazy. Now I feel I am getting normal emotions from getting off dip. And itÂ’s not about how bad I have struggled but about this journey. Dammit IÂ’m still crying. At points I just wish I had someone that was exactly like me. Went the same journey as me so I could talk to them. But thatÂ’s not what this is about. ItÂ’s up to me. ItÂ’s my choice to put shit in my mouth or not. I can put seeds, gum, jolly ranchers, fake dip. But not cat shit. The last couple days I have started feeling bad about using fake again for some reason. That doesnÂ’t matter either. Just as long as itÂ’s not cat shit that can kill me. I am feeling better now. I wasnÂ’t even really that down. I just was feeling an emotion. When I struggle it is when I donÂ’t know what emotion I am feeling. I think I was nervous? Scared? After all the meeting was about the future and the future freaks me out! Alright IÂ’m done. Going to go cook pork chops on the grill and then go to LL. Thanks

ODAAT!
No more obsessing tonight! Go to baseball and have fun!