Day 16 of my 2nd quit.

[Doofus]

Double WUPP time for 200, proud to be quit wit u

[BubbaM]

One of my HS ballplayers from awhile back sent me. Facebook article on the MLB banning smokeless tobacco. Proud day when I can respond that I am 139 days quit and working on 140 tomorrow! ODAAT! Then I send him the KTC website info. Just so he knows how I quit. And am actively quitting. Day to day!

[BubbaM]

This is a gradual healing. I go through days of thinking about tobacco all day long. Then there are a few minutes or maybe 30 where you were engaged in something and your like “wow I didn’t think about it”. I am still having a tough time differentiating what the difference is between a crave and a thought. I have no fucking idea. When you think about it all day long are you craving it? Or you just mind fucked for that day? It is way easier then before. Slowly you get convinced that you don’t need the shit anymore. But it’s slow. Some days a crawl. I don’t have any expectations anymore. I’m not like I’ll be better in a month. Or a years. I just tell myself. Let’s do today. Let’s get to 200. Let’s get to 6 months. So on and so forth.
Journal done. Traveling home.

[worktowin]

Kinda uneasy this morning. I really miss my wife and girls. Got off the phone with my girls and teared up a bit. It is tough being away from them. When you talk to people about nicotine addiction. People really donÂ’t understand. My wife does. She gets it now. Not being around her is hard. If you talk to someone about it, they kind of look at you funny. They donÂ’t understand that you have been fighting like fuck to stay clean. ItÂ’s everywhere, its legal. And in some states itÂ’s their cash crop. Not going to lie, mentally I donÂ’t wish this upon anyone. It can be great at times and Fucking suck the next. If I didnÂ’t have this place. If I didnÂ’t have a good support group at home. I wouldnÂ’t be here. I would have jumped back in. I am starting to see itÂ’s all a huge Fucking disaster. Big tobacco wants you hooked. Sometimes I think our governments want us hooked. To dumb us down so we donÂ’t pay attention to shit. So big business can make more money. Fuck it IÂ’m going to go enjoy the day. Just uneasy this morning. This too shall pass.

I just try and keep myself busy all day still. I can tell IÂ’m starting to wear myself out. If anyone has any suggestions on what to do let me know.

When your me, and your by yourself, and your traveling, what should I expect? I will have uneasy moments. I will also have good moments.

YouÂ’ve come a long way. This is s great post. Nicotine is one big lie. But freedom is the reward. You are beginning to feel it. One day at a time Bubba.

[BubbaM]

Kinda uneasy this morning. I really miss my wife and girls. Got off the phone with my girls and teared up a bit. It is tough being away from them. When you talk to people about nicotine addiction. People really donÂ’t understand. My wife does. She gets it now. Not being around her is hard. If you talk to someone about it, they kind of look at you funny. They donÂ’t understand that you have been fighting like fuck to stay clean. ItÂ’s everywhere, its legal. And in some states itÂ’s their cash crop. Not going to lie, mentally I donÂ’t wish this upon anyone. It can be great at times and Fucking suck the next. If I didnÂ’t have this place. If I didnÂ’t have a good support group at home. I wouldnÂ’t be here. I would have jumped back in. I am starting to see itÂ’s all a huge Fucking disaster. Big tobacco wants you hooked. Sometimes I think our governments want us hooked. To dumb us down so we donÂ’t pay attention to shit. So big business can make more money. Fuck it IÂ’m going to go enjoy the day. Just uneasy this morning. This too shall pass.

I just try and keep myself busy all day still. I can tell IÂ’m starting to wear myself out. If anyone has any suggestions on what to do let me know.

When your me, and your by yourself, and your traveling, what should I expect? I will have uneasy moments. I will also have good moments.

[BubbaM]

Just writing this morning, going to get this off my chest because I kind of freaked last night. I am out of town far away and I took some generic ZZZQUIL. I was in bed by 11pm. The next thing that I remember is that I am outside in the hotel hallway and I cannot find my phone. I must have sleep walked or something. My phone was on the other side of the hotel. And I didnÂ’t have a key into my room so I had to walk back down to the lobby to get in.

Waking up this morning I went for a run but feel a little groggy. I havenÂ’t taken that generic stuff in over a week. I donÂ’t know what the deal was. I am now using a fake chew this morning. I havenÂ’t used any fake in over a week too. For some reason it make me feel bad. Like I will jump right back into it. But I just use it every so often. Not that I am even craving but just say hmmm I will have one.

I was wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else with the sleep. Just
For some conversation. And also whatÂ’s your fake intake like?

[BubbaM]

Journal entry - Megan needs a break. I know she does. I just hope she doesnÂ’t lose her mind before she get some type of break. She has been very strong through all of this. She takes care of our kids. She takes care of me. She is amazing! The thing I worry about is that I donÂ’t know if I am ready to give her a break. I am still a bit hesitant to just stay home all of the time. I think these are normal feelings that will go away. I can tell that my personality is coming back slowly. And I am beginning to slowly gain confidence. ItÂ’s may take some more time. Morning still can suck. I donÂ’t understand why because I rarely used in the mornings. Journal done. Now I want to go explore! Go Merica!

[BubbaM]

Alright, big day...traveling out of town by myself! I am doing better then expected! A bit nervous but the excitement should carry me through! Getting on a plane and traveling! This trip is going to be good for me! ItÂ’s going to be fun and I deserve some relaxation! I am going to miss the shit out of my 3 girls and the wife! Love you girls! KTC you will hear from me. Likely sooner then later! Give me some prayers!

[BubbaM]

Just journaling this morning. There could be some bitching. Could be some tears. We will see. Latley, with all of this last 4 months. I have noticed that my self-confidence is why down sense I quit. Before I used to be confident in everything that I did. Now I am not. I fee that itÂ’s because this whole thing brought me to my knees. I have never had this low of points during my life. I had 3-4 days in the last 4 months where I couldnÂ’t stop crying. I just feel that was medication induced. Sense I got off the crap the emotional part of me is getting better. But my confidence can be low. For example, if IÂ’m going for a drive. Or talking to someone new. I am just not my normal self. It is fine, I know that when god puts me on my knees and in a hole that, he will help me climb out. I also didnÂ’t realize that I was covering everything up. Some personal issues. Like not getting a few jobs I wanted. We basically ran away and moved because we didnÂ’t feel welcomed in the last town we lived in. We had a miscarriage 2 years ago that I didnÂ’t even feel or greave over. And just overall teaching in general is stressful man.

So when people read my stuff on here, or when you comment to yourself like, man this Bubba guy is a freak. Know that I had shit to handle. I donÂ’t know if I will be tobacco free for the rest of my life. But God lead me here. He wanted to give me a place to vent and be tobacco free ODAAT. He wanted me to live ODAAT for now. He put me on my knees, why? We will find out later. But IÂ’m guessing he is preparing me for whatÂ’s to come. The can confidence will eventually come back. The happy go lucky Bubba will come back. For now, I wake up and get that uneasy feeling. And thatÂ’s alright. God put me here. God will help me get out! ODAAT!

[BubbaM]

Some days itÂ’s like IÂ’m searching for something. Cannot tell you what but just searching. I guess yesterday could have been tough for me. All my family over for the babyÂ’s baptism. Just a lot of emotions running. ODAAT!

[BubbaM]

Moutain stream - as the stream flows down the mountain there is a family of beavers. The beavers make a dam and a pond starts to fill up. Over time the pond leaves silt on the bottom of the pond. All the while the stream is creating a new path for itself. Empties a bit into the pond and now it is flowing around the pond.

A storm comes and the stream becomes uncontrollable for the beaver dam. It breaks. The beavers do not get upset. They just begin making their dam without worries. Their dam is finished and their pond starts to fill back up. All the while the new stream bed is flowing and digging a deeper channel because of the beavers.

Think of this analogy and compare it to your brain. We are creating new Nero-pathways in our brains. The longer we go without Nicotine the deeper we are creating our channel. The old channel will always be there. But over time our new channel will become the main channel. We have to keep building out dams. And keep the stream flowing in the new channel!

Thanks Dr. (My Therapist gave me this) thought I would share!

Also, I have been crying a lot lately about stuff. He said it is because my body is reacting to things now. My body is being moved in good ways. IÂ’m moved around my family and when I am at church. I am starting to Truly feel what emotions are!

[BubbaM]

Sorry, I am journaling, I donÂ’t care if you like it or not. Latley, I have been journaling in the morning. Well I donÂ’t know if I had a dip dream or not last night. This is how it went. We were traveling to Boston. I was nervous and wanted to dip but I didnÂ’t because I am quit. I did then dip fake dip called beaver dip. Then I woke up and was kinda craving for some reason and I posted role right away. Latley days have been pretty good I get some down moments. It is kind nice throughout the day I have friends from KTC that will text me, I like that, makes me feel like I have friends and that IÂ’m not alone all day in the struggle, not that itÂ’s a huge struggle. I just have thoughts that donÂ’t seem to go away for Awhile.

[Clint31]

I get it now, I understand why vets help out. I am not saying it is bad. Just the truth. After the HOF interest in their groups forum really drops off. Vets then want to build relationships and stay quit. They believe in this place. ThatÂ’s why they stay. Some people post and ghost. Which is ok. As long as you post a daily promise. Other vets need more involvement. They maybe will maybe wonÂ’t, admit that if they didnÂ’t have this place and werenÂ’t able to talk to newbies. They would be back on the wagon. Thumb deep. I am starting to understand this community. I have been trying to help newbies. I hope after awhile I will be able To post and ghost. So that I can forget about dip the rest of the day.

Glad our paths crossed Bubba ... Glad you were here when I landed here.

[wildirish317]

I get it now, I understand why vets help out. I am not saying it is bad. Just the truth. After the HOF interest in their groups forum really drops off. Vets then want to build relationships and stay quit. They believe in this place. ThatÂ’s why they stay. Some people post and ghost. Which is ok. As long as you post a daily promise. Other vets need more involvement. They maybe will maybe wonÂ’t, admit that if they didnÂ’t have this place and werenÂ’t able to talk to newbies. They would be back on the wagon. Thumb deep. I am starting to understand this community. I have been trying to help newbies. I hope after awhile I will be able To post and ghost. So that I can forget about dip the rest of the day.

Writing is therapeutic. Helping others is even more so.

Eventually, you shift from thinking about your quit every day to thinking about your freedom every day. You shift your focus from what you lost to what you gained.

Never ever look back.

[BubbaM]

I get it now, I understand why vets help out. I am not saying it is bad. Just the truth. After the HOF interest in their groups forum really drops off. Vets then want to build relationships and stay quit. They believe in this place. ThatÂ’s why they stay. Some people post and ghost. Which is ok. As long as you post a daily promise. Other vets need more involvement. They maybe will maybe wonÂ’t, admit that if they didnÂ’t have this place and werenÂ’t able to talk to newbies. They would be back on the wagon. Thumb deep. I am starting to understand this community. I have been trying to help newbies. I hope after awhile I will be able To post and ghost. So that I can forget about dip the rest of the day.