Day 16 of my 2nd quit.

[worktowin]

Thanks for letting me bitch and complain here. Expectations suck, I feel thatÂ’s another main reason thatÂ’s I have struggled so much. I was always like. I be good in a week. Next week I will be good. LetÂ’s go to the doctor. They will give me something and then I wonÂ’t go crazy. Not going to lie. The meds fucked me up more. Mentally and physically. I didnÂ’t start getting back on my feet until I said fuck the meds. Now we are here. I always remind myself that I am doing great and forget about expectations of getting better.

Today, for the last 3 or 4 days I wake up. Not in a terrible mood, but just uneasy and kinda feel weird. I feel like I want to cry. Some days I do some days I donÂ’t. If I cry my t happens for about 3-5 mins then my day starts. I try not to think anything of it and move on. I canÂ’t tell you why I am crying now. About a month ago there was a reason. Happy, sad, mad, scared. Now itÂ’s just weird. Like my brain is just repairing itself day by day. Now by 1 or 2 pm in the day. I have been in super great moods and itÂ’s like my brain flips into living mode again.

Anyways, I made a promise today and will go enjoy being with my family and eating some good food. Might have a beer or 2. Crying or no crying. The day will be good.

Happy Independence Day Bubba... in more ways than just the obvious.

????????

[BubbaM]

Thanks for letting me bitch and complain here. Expectations suck, I feel thatÂ’s another main reason thatÂ’s I have struggled so much. I was always like. I be good in a week. Next week I will be good. LetÂ’s go to the doctor. They will give me something and then I wonÂ’t go crazy. Not going to lie. The meds fucked me up more. Mentally and physically. I didnÂ’t start getting back on my feet until I said fuck the meds. Now we are here. I always remind myself that I am doing great and forget about expectations of getting better.

Today, for the last 3 or 4 days I wake up. Not in a terrible mood, but just uneasy and kinda feel weird. I feel like I want to cry. Some days I do some days I donÂ’t. If I cry my t happens for about 3-5 mins then my day starts. I try not to think anything of it and move on. I canÂ’t tell you why I am crying now. About a month ago there was a reason. Happy, sad, mad, scared. Now itÂ’s just weird. Like my brain is just repairing itself day by day. Now by 1 or 2 pm in the day. I have been in super great moods and itÂ’s like my brain flips into living mode again.

Anyways, I made a promise today and will go enjoy being with my family and eating some good food. Might have a beer or 2. Crying or no crying. The day will be good.

[BubbaM]

As I wake up in the morning. Had a wonderful night tenting in the backyard with my girls. I go for a run. Talk to the wife. I realize, that yes I have come a long way. But, I still have this empty feeling in my body or my brain. Like I posted a loved one. I have been talking to Missouri Mike about this and he said that it take awhile for your body to start producing the happy feel good chemicals again on its own. ThatÂ’s why I am still here. ThatÂ’s why I still struggle a little bit from time to time. I cannot always have my life be exciting and adventurous. I cannot go on vacations year round. The times I feel the worse are when life is boring or I have to wake up and go to work. For now, the constant reminder of KTC day to day is what I need. Does it suck waking up and the first thing that comes to your mind is that you canÂ’t chew. Yes, but itÂ’s something that any human body will get used to over time. If I didnÂ’t have this place to vent or journal I donÂ’t know what I would do. Thanks, DramaBubba out, going to hit the shower then go to work.

[FLLipOut]

You are already finding out that this journey that started out as a means of quitting nicotine is going to lead to so many positive changes in yourself and in your life. Proud of you, Bubba - you are doing great!

[BubbaM]

As I keep going to church with my family, it is where I would go when this quit thing was very hard. I would go pray and I would go talk to our father. When I think about all of this and how far I have come it is overwhelming. Not in a bad way. I donÂ’t tear up because I am mad. ItÂ’s more of wow I have come this far and it was with the help of my god. Because with the hell I was going through, it couldnÂ’t have been anything else. This journey for me is not just about quitting dip, itÂ’s about a lot of things. No man would have struggled over this much if it was just chew. I was obviously masking a lot of stuff behind it. I would say this journey is about chewing, finding my faith, or building my faith, asking myself what kind of father do I want to be? What do I want to be remembered as...as a human? And what is life really about? This journey is starting to bring me full circle. I am starting to remember more things from my childhood and lessons my parents have taught me. So as I sit in church and cury, itÂ’s because I donÂ’t know how to handle everything that is coming at me at one time. Just get an overwhelming feeling. How is god this good? How can I be blessed with such a beautiful family? How does he always make everything better with time?

Reach out, journal, text, talk....

[BubbaM]

Alright, IÂ’m going to be laying down some deep shit because I donÂ’t got therapy till the 1st of August. Alright, I obviously believe in god. Lately church has been tough because I have just been teary eyed and crying. Been the last 2 weeks. But thatÂ’s when my aunt passed away. The next Sunday my 8 year old wanted to light a candle for my aunt. That just got me. I am not anxious or nervous about church. Just talking about how it hasnÂ’t been good lately. I just want to build my relationship with god and not get teary eyed tomorrow! What you think big man? Give me the strength to get through a mass?

[BubbaM]

Alright, I have had a shit pie last couple days. Just wanted to tell you about it. It is thoughts that I deal with mostly. Then eventually after awhile I will crack in some way. If that means I cry or yell or scream. ThatÂ’s what happens. BUT, my outburst are only for a few minutes and not like before, where the entire day was ruined. I also feel I am frustrated because I keep keeping myself busy all the time. Need to stop working so much and spend time with the family.

[worktowin]

As I wake up on this Friday morning I am journaling because of my quit groups train conductors message today. It is about staying on the site and helping people and if your bored you should stay. The thought has passed my mind many times to leave now. Because the thoughts of tobacco have not left. I am thinking that the site makes me think about it a lot. I post on here now and donÂ’t even post about my family on social media anymore.

I always still look at other people who are using and say. They are, they are, they are old and still alive. That always passes through my brain when I see people using.

I am pretty good when something exciting is happening. Examples, vacations, hanging with family friends. It is the boring day to day activities that give me trouble. Just boring.

I am also sick of always keeping myself busy when I am at home. I am afraid of downtime from the past experiences I have had with this. I find things to do, to find things to do.

What is my next step in this healing process?

Exactly what youÂ’ve been advised. YouÂ’ve fought like hell and are getting better. It is time to pay it forward. Pick a new person or 2 each month that you can help. Walk with them to acwinning journey. The focus will move from your struggle to theirs and the feeling of winning will solidify.

[BubbaM]

As I wake up on this Friday morning I am journaling because of my quit groups train conductors message today. It is about staying on the site and helping people and if your bored you should stay. The thought has passed my mind many times to leave now. Because the thoughts of tobacco have not left. I am thinking that the site makes me think about it a lot. I post on here now and donÂ’t even post about my family on social media anymore.

I always still look at other people who are using and say. They are, they are, they are old and still alive. That always passes through my brain when I see people using.

I am pretty good when something exciting is happening. Examples, vacations, hanging with family friends. It is the boring day to day activities that give me trouble. Just boring.

I am also sick of always keeping myself busy when I am at home. I am afraid of downtime from the past experiences I have had with this. I find things to do, to find things to do.

What is my next step in this healing process?

[BubbaM]

Funeral today went good. Good service. Very nice all the way around. I actually reacted a lot better then I thought I would. It is kinda nice knowing I am not a pussy and numbing my body anymore. Starting to feel real man emotions. I usually just look at my dad or cousin Jimmy and see how strong they are for quitting smokes and chew. My dad lost his sister and my cousin his mother. Neither showing emotions just tough mother fuckers. Who lead very respectful lives and raise great families. I want to be that strong one day. I want to be a bad ass mother fucker who doesnÂ’t need shit in their body to deal with their emotions.

[Doofus]

Mount the woman Bubba....mount her

[BubbaM]

Alright, just letting you know how I am doing on this Sunday morning. I am getting some anxiety about driving to this funeral and attending. First time I have dealt with a death without nicotine. Usually I would light up a smoke after. Like I was rewarding myself for something.

Secondly, in August my wife starts Vball practice. During this time I am in charge of the kids. I always hated this time because I always wanted to just sit in the couch and chew and not watch
The kids. This is giving me some anxiety. When I think back to a few years ago I was actually depressed or anxious about this all the time. I hate being stuck at my house with the kids. Even when I was chewing I hated this time. I love my kids. I just feel trapped during this time.

Ok, wish me luck, IÂ’m going to church and then going to hit the rode to this funeral.

Just an update, Church was a mess for me. I cried a lot today. Does this emotional madness ever stop? Why do I cry some days now? Is my brain still messed up? I donÂ’t feel depressed at all. I either cry when I am anxious or when I started thinking about my aunt. Or when I cannot stop thinking about dip.

[worktowin]

As you can tell I journal a lot. I donÂ’t know if itÂ’s a good or bad thing. I say whatÂ’s on my mind then I try and move on with my day. Been doing pretty good lately. I just want to talk about the goofy moods or weird moods I can get in. Usually in the morning or when I am by myself. ItÂ’s like I start having pity parties but for short stretches. I have them more when I wake up and am laying around and have nothing to do for a bit. ItÂ’s like I donÂ’t know how to occupy my time and then my mind starts racing or wandering. Or if I have any kind of dream then I wake up and donÂ’t know how to handle it. I have been dreaming a lot lately and I donÂ’t know why? ItÂ’s been weird because I have never dreamed this much before. Anybody got any thoughts on anything I said let me know!

Wake up your wife and have some crazy hot wild wake up sex. YouÂ’ll forget all about your weird dreams or bummed out mood. Works 100% of the time.

Trust me on this one Bubba.

Haha thatÂ’s funny, have a 3 month year old baby. And 2 other kids. Not much of that going on. We have a pretty conservative relationship.

Well shit thats part of the problem bro, you gotta make that a priority, your life doesn't end just cause a few new ones began. Treat that girl to a date night, wine and dine her like you guys are on your 4th date and you're hoping to get it in! Trust me, a date night every week to every other week is a lot cheaper than marriage counseling or divorce. You drop the kids off at grandma's and treat yo self and yo wife.

3 kids... you donÂ’t sound very virginal to me Bubba!

[Gromo]

As you can tell I journal a lot. I donÂ’t know if itÂ’s a good or bad thing. I say whatÂ’s on my mind then I try and move on with my day. Been doing pretty good lately. I just want to talk about the goofy moods or weird moods I can get in. Usually in the morning or when I am by myself. ItÂ’s like I start having pity parties but for short stretches. I have them more when I wake up and am laying around and have nothing to do for a bit. ItÂ’s like I donÂ’t know how to occupy my time and then my mind starts racing or wandering. Or if I have any kind of dream then I wake up and donÂ’t know how to handle it. I have been dreaming a lot lately and I donÂ’t know why? ItÂ’s been weird because I have never dreamed this much before. Anybody got any thoughts on anything I said let me know!

Wake up your wife and have some crazy hot wild wake up sex. YouÂ’ll forget all about your weird dreams or bummed out mood. Works 100% of the time.

Trust me on this one Bubba.

Haha thatÂ’s funny, have a 3 month year old baby. And 2 other kids. Not much of that going on. We have a pretty conservative relationship.

Well shit thats part of the problem bro, you gotta make that a priority, your life doesn't end just cause a few new ones began. Treat that girl to a date night, wine and dine her like you guys are on your 4th date and you're hoping to get it in! Trust me, a date night every week to every other week is a lot cheaper than marriage counseling or divorce. You drop the kids off at grandma's and treat yo self and yo wife.

[BubbaM]

As you can tell I journal a lot. I donÂ’t know if itÂ’s a good or bad thing. I say whatÂ’s on my mind then I try and move on with my day. Been doing pretty good lately. I just want to talk about the goofy moods or weird moods I can get in. Usually in the morning or when I am by myself. ItÂ’s like I start having pity parties but for short stretches. I have them more when I wake up and am laying around and have nothing to do for a bit. ItÂ’s like I donÂ’t know how to occupy my time and then my mind starts racing or wandering. Or if I have any kind of dream then I wake up and donÂ’t know how to handle it. I have been dreaming a lot lately and I donÂ’t know why? ItÂ’s been weird because I have never dreamed this much before. Anybody got any thoughts on anything I said let me know!

Wake up your wife and have some crazy hot wild wake up sex. YouÂ’ll forget all about your weird dreams or bummed out mood. Works 100% of the time.

Trust me on this one Bubba.

Haha thatÂ’s funny, have a 3 month year old baby. And 2 other kids. Not much of that going on. We have a pretty conservative relationship.