Hello, I'm new here, and feel totally stuck

[radar]

This week just keeps fucking with me, and I keep persevering!

Groin pull had me out of commission for most of today, to the point that I went to the hospital thinking I had a hernia or worse.

Fighting with the S.O.'s parents is always fun...

Nieces' birthday party this weekend, a balloon festival, and then I need to hustle my ass up to Montréal to be the office bitch for a few days up there.

I'm doing all of this, and living in immense pain, without any nic to turn to.

Fuck her, fucking dark mistress. I don't even have physical cravings now. It's all mental blocks, that I created for myself, that I'm breaking down. I was a weak little shit.

No more. Never again.

For those asking me to prove it, come to my house. I'll show you all the proof you want. I'm dong this, and thanks to GrizzlyKills21, Big Brother Jack, amgdenney, jmiah, Shadow, 30yraddict, Florida Luke, Cornwallace, kdbdavear, and on and on and on (sorry if I didn't name you, kinda out of it, these were the first that came to mind...) I'm still going.

Fuck yeah.

[Souliman]

Hold on there Captain Funyuns. There is no need to become a fat ass during nicotine cessation. RudeRunner made an excellent comment in a thread yesterday that increasing your weight can make you subject to different health concerns (coronary, cholesterol, etc.). You don't want that either. An extra 30 lbs can be dangerous. Plan. If you know you keep stuffing your mouth, combat it. When snack time hits, go for a walk. Get some exercise daily. Setup a routine. Boom. Proactive not reactive. Take control.

PS. Dammit. Throw these words out of your vocabulary: try, hope, luck, cave. Luck is for losers. You have already won. You have set your mind and body free from being a slave. That is empowering. Act on it.

[radar]

Day 4. Still quit. Maybe I'm posting double-roll here, not sure. This is my little space to get my thoughts out.

Been eating like a maniac, but I don't mind. Better to be a fatass with a face than a skeleton without one.

This morning, I feel pretty good. Still craving a little, but not nearly as intense as it was on day 2.

The real test is I'm back to work today. Wish me luck!

[Ready]

Beginning Day 3 all over again. Can't sleep, and that's ok.

My other half came home this evening from being away for the weekend. I did most if not all of the withdrawal alone, even the dog was gone. This was good, and bad.

I explained myself completely, opened up fully about my habit and how I hadn't really quit, when I stopped smoking last year, I'd only diverted the addiction.

I'm happy to say that I was met with a great deal of support. Mentally, I was shot all day today. Couldn't think at all, the fog so thick nothing made sense to me. Almost crashed the car 3 times and that was just to get to my thinking pond.

As soon as the S.O. came home though, all of that cloudiness lifted. It's almost like I was waiting for that final approval, the acknowledgment that I had "done the right thing." It feels great having so much support, from so many different people.

I know I still have a long way to go, but each day is going to be a little better than the one before, because of all of you.

Thank you for helping me get my life back and for keeping me accountable. I will NEVER cave to the nic CUNT again. EVER. Especially after reading all the stories on here, and seeing just how pernicious it is.

Nicotine is dead to me.

Prove it.

[radar]

Beginning Day 3 all over again. Can't sleep, and that's ok.

My other half came home this evening from being away for the weekend. I did most if not all of the withdrawal alone, even the dog was gone. This was good, and bad.

I explained myself completely, opened up fully about my habit and how I hadn't really quit, when I stopped smoking last year, I'd only diverted the addiction.

I'm happy to say that I was met with a great deal of support. Mentally, I was shot all day today. Couldn't think at all, the fog so thick nothing made sense to me. Almost crashed the car 3 times and that was just to get to my thinking pond.

As soon as the S.O. came home though, all of that cloudiness lifted. It's almost like I was waiting for that final approval, the acknowledgment that I had "done the right thing." It feels great having so much support, from so many different people.

I know I still have a long way to go, but each day is going to be a little better than the one before, because of all of you.

Thank you for helping me get my life back and for keeping me accountable. I will NEVER cave to the nic CUNT again. EVER. Especially after reading all the stories on here, and seeing just how pernicious it is.

Nicotine is dead to me.

[radar]

I just saw this radar:

Problem is, I don't know if I'm going to change as a person, become someone different. This has been a part of my life for 16 years, and I fear losing myself more than death, if that makes any sense.

I know this feeling of losing yourself- I posted something about it about a month ago:

Day 136

On one of the threads today, a quitter mentioned that he felt like he was loosing himself by loosing all of his addictions. That mindset is certainly something I can relate to as it is a part of my "addict brain". That part of the brain that I have to make a conscious choice to battle every day.

The first few years of my dipping, I felt bad ass about it. It was a baseball player/ lumberjack thing. It kind of sticks in your subconscious that way. Coffee was the same way, and likewise for alcohol...It was the "adult" thing to do. Made me feel badass when I had some coffee at 12, just like the grown ups, just like my dad. Or when I was sneaking that swig, just like my older brothers..I'd like to say that I've grown up a little since then, but there are many parts of my brain that have not. I am in the process of retraining my brain to understand that chew is not cool, it is not a badass, grown up, baseball player, lumberjack thing to do. I am also teaching it that coffee has nothing to do with being grown up, nothing to do with being a man, ..Problem is, those parts of my brain still want to be 12. They don't want to be taught to be different than they have been. After all, I've left those parts of my brain that way for over 30 years.

While I am glad that progress has been made, the retraining is nowhere near complete. To some extent, it may not be for the rest of my life. The good news is despite ups and downs, the battle gets easier even if it is never over. I do know one thing: there is no standing still, no treading water. Every day is a push for progress. Every day is a day to overcome my addict's brain. The first step is to remind myself that I am an addict. The day I get up and forget that is the day I start sliding backwards into the abyss of addiction. That is why I am here. So I don't forget.

Hoo! Ffftttmmmppfffttt...

Exactly! YES YES YES!

This is exactly what I've been feeling/thinking. Right down to how my mind still wants to be 11 again.

And the 27 year old me wants to reprogram the 11 year old and kick him in the ass!

Well said, and thank you for sharing!

[30yraddict]

I just saw this radar:

Problem is, I don't know if I'm going to change as a person, become someone different. This has been a part of my life for 16 years, and I fear losing myself more than death, if that makes any sense.

I know this feeling of losing yourself- I posted something about it about a month ago:

Day 136

On one of the threads today, a quitter mentioned that he felt like he was loosing himself by loosing all of his addictions. That mindset is certainly something I can relate to as it is a part of my "addict brain". That part of the brain that I have to make a conscious choice to battle every day.

The first few years of my dipping, I felt bad ass about it. It was a baseball player/ lumberjack thing. It kind of sticks in your subconscious that way. Coffee was the same way, and likewise for alcohol...It was the "adult" thing to do. Made me feel badass when I had some coffee at 12, just like the grown ups, just like my dad. Or when I was sneaking that swig, just like my older brothers..I'd like to say that I've grown up a little since then, but there are many parts of my brain that have not. I am in the process of retraining my brain to understand that chew is not cool, it is not a badass, grown up, baseball player, lumberjack thing to do. I am also teaching it that coffee has nothing to do with being grown up, nothing to do with being a man, ..Problem is, those parts of my brain still want to be 12. They don't want to be taught to be different than they have been. After all, I've left those parts of my brain that way for over 30 years.

While I am glad that progress has been made, the retraining is nowhere near complete. To some extent, it may not be for the rest of my life. The good news is despite ups and downs, the battle gets easier even if it is never over. I do know one thing: there is no standing still, no treading water. Every day is a push for progress. Every day is a day to overcome my addict's brain. The first step is to remind myself that I am an addict. The day I get up and forget that is the day I start sliding backwards into the abyss of addiction. That is why I am here. So I don't forget.

[Souliman]

I don't hate anyone, no reason to. Just raging is all.

20 days? No problem. Going to focus on today though, if that's ok. Today, I'm quit.

Quitter talk? Hmm. May be those raisins are swelling a bit after all.

[radar]

I don't hate anyone, no reason to. Just raging is all.

20 days? No problem. Going to focus on today though, if that's ok. Today, I'm quit.

[TommyNY]

I fucked up. Got drunk and smoked and dipped. On day 3. I was an ass. PM me for my number. Call me and berate me, please. Doesn't matter what time it is either. Threw everything in the dumpster, and cut up my debit card. I deserve any and all abuse I get. If you're in New Jersey, pm me, with a location, I'll come to you, and you can hit me in the face. I deserve it. If anything, I need it.

I let this group down. I'm sorry..... banghead.gif

Short term pleasure with the threat of death vs short term pain with long term health.

I hope you find your way. Use your resources.

Radar what exactly was your plan? How were you planning to defend yourself? This is your life. We can try to help but you got to use every fucking tool right at your fingertips to start. What was your plan? What IS your plan? If you don't have any, we can reserve a spot for you in the death pool. The water is a little colder but at least the company you'll have is quiet.

The plan WAS to take things one day at a time, and to try to stay cool when the rage/craves hit.

It takes a little for me to open up to people sometimes. I should have called or texted someone, should have said something in the chat. Instead, I went haywire, and here I am, back at day 1.

Plan now is, stay inside today. Not leaving the house. I have enough food to last me 3-4 days if need be. I cut up my debit card and don't have any cash.

Going to to swimming in the pool this afternoon, and will do a deep clean of the apartment when I get back. Just need to keep busy, busy, busy.

Hold on a second there Faildar...you bought tobacco products...as "trophies". A fresh quitter buying tobacco products? Knowing you have craves? That is the stupidest thing I have read on this site. You intended to consume that shit. You do not have the mindset to quit. And if you were using nicotine gum and posting roll by the grace of god you deserve a fucking ass kicking because your WORD is worthless.

Think about who you are lying to in all this. Who are you trying to keep the truth from? Me? Your October quit brothers? The vets that have put this framework together to help us? I quit today. I will quit tomorrow...this I KNOW. A little cocky? May be. But I'm pretty fucking confident because I WANT TO QUIT.

'Finger'

Come back when you are ready.

This place is for Real Quitters whose word means something to them.

Taking my support elsewhere.

CC

Feel free to take your support wherever you like, CC.

I'm still here. I'm still quit.

I'm doing whatever it takes to stay quit.

My word is worthless to you? Why was it ever worth anything to begin with? This is the internet, not real life.

Nevertheless, I AM quit today, and I will be quit tomorrow, and the next day, and so on.

One day at a time.

If this is just 'the internet, not real life' why not just get a big yellow legal pad and a blue pen and write down 'Radar +1'? There. No need to come here. I just simplified life for you. And saved you some money in internet costs. Its okay. You're welcome. Were you using nic gum and posting roll?

I'm an addict and my IQ is north of gump. Your story and responses did not jive with me as truth. I'm happy you are quit. Prove me wrong. Show us that you have some resolve and backbone.

I guess we should add something to the Welcome Center at spot 0:

0. Do not buy tobacco products of any kind.[\b]

Trophies? Really? Trophies of your quit...while in the single digits? Radar do you really accept that you are an addict? That you have an enemy and that enemy is delivered through tobacco?

I'm all giddy in my nether region that you found quit again but if you don't have your head straight and are ready fight it don't matter where you write down 'Radar +1' because you are not going to win that fight. Prove me wrong. You have 98 days left to prove it.

Souliman, I have nothing to prove to anyone. You take me for what you will.

I DID NOT POST ROLL WITH NIC IN MY BODY.

I'm not sure it's worth anyone's time to keep hashing that or not.

I'm doing this for MYSELF, ME. I accept that I am an ADDICT. I don't want to be controlled by this nicotine cunt anymore. I don't want to be giving money to the fucking dot shops for filthy shit that's just going to kill me, and meanwhile they go back to India and live like kings while I'm in the fucking cancer ward.

No, ain't fucking happening.

I know I fucked up, but I admitted to it. Can you say the same for yourself? And don't give me that shit that "Oh, I wouldn't have fucked up" Fuck you, you're human too.

Been reading a lot around here, the nic cycle especially. This disgusts me. My resolve to stay quit is even greater because of the SLIMY BUSINESS PRACTICE that nicotine is.

So yeah, that's how I feel.

i dont think people are mad at you because you caved. It's that you fucking went OUT and brought a can of dip and smokes because you wanted to have a ''TROPHY''. And then you decided to get drunk. as soon as you brought that can it was game on with your cave bro. meanwhile i gotta fucking go out of my way to get gas at different stations so i wont cave. i got to fucking stop hanging with certin people so i wont cave...... but your over there fucking buying the shit as a ''trophy'' on your fucking third quit day or some shit!!!!!! fucking nutsssss

[Souliman]

Good for you Radar. I'm glad you have found your resolve to quit. That's what its going to take. Hate me if that helps. "Curse that Souliman...and his passion for quitting...heathen! Devil! Albatross!"

And no I have not fucked up since I posted my first and only day 1 here. My quit has been my top priority and I have protected it with the passion of a 1000 burning suns.

After I wrote that last statement I left something out. There are also a dozen or so folks in March 2011 that I would feel I completely disrespected if I had not honored my word any of the previous 236 days. That has also kept me quit. YOU FUCKERS BRING THE QUIT. Cheers.

As much as you may feel I'm an asshole you can always reach out for help. I will always answer. So how about waiting until you're 20 days quit before buying anymore trophies? Would you do that for me? Please?

[radar]

I fucked up. Got drunk and smoked and dipped. On day 3. I was an ass. PM me for my number. Call me and berate me, please. Doesn't matter what time it is either. Threw everything in the dumpster, and cut up my debit card. I deserve any and all abuse I get. If you're in New Jersey, pm me, with a location, I'll come to you, and you can hit me in the face. I deserve it. If anything, I need it.

I let this group down. I'm sorry..... banghead.gif

Short term pleasure with the threat of death vs short term pain with long term health.

I hope you find your way. Use your resources.

Radar what exactly was your plan? How were you planning to defend yourself? This is your life. We can try to help but you got to use every fucking tool right at your fingertips to start. What was your plan? What IS your plan? If you don't have any, we can reserve a spot for you in the death pool. The water is a little colder but at least the company you'll have is quiet.

The plan WAS to take things one day at a time, and to try to stay cool when the rage/craves hit.

It takes a little for me to open up to people sometimes. I should have called or texted someone, should have said something in the chat. Instead, I went haywire, and here I am, back at day 1.

Plan now is, stay inside today. Not leaving the house. I have enough food to last me 3-4 days if need be. I cut up my debit card and don't have any cash.

Going to to swimming in the pool this afternoon, and will do a deep clean of the apartment when I get back. Just need to keep busy, busy, busy.

Hold on a second there Faildar...you bought tobacco products...as "trophies". A fresh quitter buying tobacco products? Knowing you have craves? That is the stupidest thing I have read on this site. You intended to consume that shit. You do not have the mindset to quit. And if you were using nicotine gum and posting roll by the grace of god you deserve a fucking ass kicking because your WORD is worthless.

Think about who you are lying to in all this. Who are you trying to keep the truth from? Me? Your October quit brothers? The vets that have put this framework together to help us? I quit today. I will quit tomorrow...this I KNOW. A little cocky? May be. But I'm pretty fucking confident because I WANT TO QUIT.

'Finger'

Come back when you are ready.

This place is for Real Quitters whose word means something to them.

Taking my support elsewhere.

CC

Feel free to take your support wherever you like, CC.

I'm still here. I'm still quit.

I'm doing whatever it takes to stay quit.

My word is worthless to you? Why was it ever worth anything to begin with? This is the internet, not real life.

Nevertheless, I AM quit today, and I will be quit tomorrow, and the next day, and so on.

One day at a time.

If this is just 'the internet, not real life' why not just get a big yellow legal pad and a blue pen and write down 'Radar +1'? There. No need to come here. I just simplified life for you. And saved you some money in internet costs. Its okay. You're welcome. Were you using nic gum and posting roll?

I'm an addict and my IQ is north of gump. Your story and responses did not jive with me as truth. I'm happy you are quit. Prove me wrong. Show us that you have some resolve and backbone.

I guess we should add something to the Welcome Center at spot 0:

0. Do not buy tobacco products of any kind.[\b]

Trophies? Really? Trophies of your quit...while in the single digits? Radar do you really accept that you are an addict? That you have an enemy and that enemy is delivered through tobacco?

I'm all giddy in my nether region that you found quit again but if you don't have your head straight and are ready fight it don't matter where you write down 'Radar +1' because you are not going to win that fight. Prove me wrong. You have 98 days left to prove it.

Souliman, I have nothing to prove to anyone. You take me for what you will.

I DID NOT POST ROLL WITH NIC IN MY BODY.

I'm not sure it's worth anyone's time to keep hashing that or not.

I'm doing this for MYSELF, ME. I accept that I am an ADDICT. I don't want to be controlled by this nicotine cunt anymore. I don't want to be giving money to the fucking dot shops for filthy shit that's just going to kill me, and meanwhile they go back to India and live like kings while I'm in the fucking cancer ward.

No, ain't fucking happening.

I know I fucked up, but I admitted to it. Can you say the same for yourself? And don't give me that shit that "Oh, I wouldn't have fucked up" Fuck you, you're human too.

Been reading a lot around here, the nic cycle especially. This disgusts me. My resolve to stay quit is even greater because of the SLIMY BUSINESS PRACTICE that nicotine is.

So yeah, that's how I feel.

[Souliman]

I fucked up. Got drunk and smoked and dipped. On day 3. I was an ass. PM me for my number. Call me and berate me, please. Doesn't matter what time it is either. Threw everything in the dumpster, and cut up my debit card. I deserve any and all abuse I get. If you're in New Jersey, pm me, with a location, I'll come to you, and you can hit me in the face. I deserve it. If anything, I need it.

I let this group down. I'm sorry..... banghead.gif

Short term pleasure with the threat of death vs short term pain with long term health.

I hope you find your way. Use your resources.

Radar what exactly was your plan? How were you planning to defend yourself? This is your life. We can try to help but you got to use every fucking tool right at your fingertips to start. What was your plan? What IS your plan? If you don't have any, we can reserve a spot for you in the death pool. The water is a little colder but at least the company you'll have is quiet.

The plan WAS to take things one day at a time, and to try to stay cool when the rage/craves hit.

It takes a little for me to open up to people sometimes. I should have called or texted someone, should have said something in the chat. Instead, I went haywire, and here I am, back at day 1.

Plan now is, stay inside today. Not leaving the house. I have enough food to last me 3-4 days if need be. I cut up my debit card and don't have any cash.

Going to to swimming in the pool this afternoon, and will do a deep clean of the apartment when I get back. Just need to keep busy, busy, busy.

Hold on a second there Faildar...you bought tobacco products...as "trophies". A fresh quitter buying tobacco products? Knowing you have craves? That is the stupidest thing I have read on this site. You intended to consume that shit. You do not have the mindset to quit. And if you were using nicotine gum and posting roll by the grace of god you deserve a fucking ass kicking because your WORD is worthless.

Think about who you are lying to in all this. Who are you trying to keep the truth from? Me? Your October quit brothers? The vets that have put this framework together to help us? I quit today. I will quit tomorrow...this I KNOW. A little cocky? May be. But I'm pretty fucking confident because I WANT TO QUIT.

'Finger'

Come back when you are ready.

This place is for Real Quitters whose word means something to them.

Taking my support elsewhere.

CC

Feel free to take your support wherever you like, CC.

I'm still here. I'm still quit.

I'm doing whatever it takes to stay quit.

My word is worthless to you? Why was it ever worth anything to begin with? This is the internet, not real life.

Nevertheless, I AM quit today, and I will be quit tomorrow, and the next day, and so on.

One day at a time.

If this is just 'the internet, not real life' why not just get a big yellow legal pad and a blue pen and write down 'Radar +1'? There. No need to come here. I just simplified life for you. And saved you some money in internet costs. Its okay. You're welcome. Were you using nic gum and posting roll?

I'm an addict and my IQ is north of gump. Your story and responses did not jive with me as truth. I'm happy you are quit. Prove me wrong. Show us that you have some resolve and backbone.

I guess we should add something to the Welcome Center at spot 0:

0. Do not buy tobacco products of any kind.

Trophies? Really? Trophies of your quit...while in the single digits? Radar do you really accept that you are an addict? That you have an enemy and that enemy is delivered through tobacco?

I'm all giddy in my nether region that you found quit again but if you don't have your head straight and are ready fight it don't matter where you write down 'Radar +1' because you are not going to win that fight. Prove me wrong. You have 98 days left to prove it.

[radar]

I fucked up. Got drunk and smoked and dipped. On day 3. I was an ass. PM me for my number. Call me and berate me, please. Doesn't matter what time it is either. Threw everything in the dumpster, and cut up my debit card. I deserve any and all abuse I get. If you're in New Jersey, pm me, with a location, I'll come to you, and you can hit me in the face. I deserve it. If anything, I need it.

I let this group down. I'm sorry..... banghead.gif

Short term pleasure with the threat of death vs short term pain with long term health.

I hope you find your way. Use your resources.

Radar what exactly was your plan? How were you planning to defend yourself? This is your life. We can try to help but you got to use every fucking tool right at your fingertips to start. What was your plan? What IS your plan? If you don't have any, we can reserve a spot for you in the death pool. The water is a little colder but at least the company you'll have is quiet.

The plan WAS to take things one day at a time, and to try to stay cool when the rage/craves hit.

It takes a little for me to open up to people sometimes. I should have called or texted someone, should have said something in the chat. Instead, I went haywire, and here I am, back at day 1.

Plan now is, stay inside today. Not leaving the house. I have enough food to last me 3-4 days if need be. I cut up my debit card and don't have any cash.

Going to to swimming in the pool this afternoon, and will do a deep clean of the apartment when I get back. Just need to keep busy, busy, busy.

Hold on a second there Faildar...you bought tobacco products...as "trophies". A fresh quitter buying tobacco products? Knowing you have craves? That is the stupidest thing I have read on this site. You intended to consume that shit. You do not have the mindset to quit. And if you were using nicotine gum and posting roll by the grace of god you deserve a fucking ass kicking because your WORD is worthless.

Think about who you are lying to in all this. Who are you trying to keep the truth from? Me? Your October quit brothers? The vets that have put this framework together to help us? I quit today. I will quit tomorrow...this I KNOW. A little cocky? May be. But I'm pretty fucking confident because I WANT TO QUIT.

'Finger'

Come back when you are ready.

This place is for Real Quitters whose word means something to them.

Taking my support elsewhere.

CC

Feel free to take your support wherever you like, CC.

I'm still here. I'm still quit.

I'm doing whatever it takes to stay quit.

My word is worthless to you? Why was it ever worth anything to begin with? This is the internet, not real life.

Nevertheless, I AM quit today, and I will be quit tomorrow, and the next day, and so on.

One day at a time.

[Cancrusher]

I fucked up. Got drunk and smoked and dipped. On day 3. I was an ass. PM me for my number. Call me and berate me, please. Doesn't matter what time it is either. Threw everything in the dumpster, and cut up my debit card. I deserve any and all abuse I get. If you're in New Jersey, pm me, with a location, I'll come to you, and you can hit me in the face. I deserve it. If anything, I need it.

I let this group down. I'm sorry..... banghead.gif

Short term pleasure with the threat of death vs short term pain with long term health.

I hope you find your way. Use your resources.

Radar what exactly was your plan? How were you planning to defend yourself? This is your life. We can try to help but you got to use every fucking tool right at your fingertips to start. What was your plan? What IS your plan? If you don't have any, we can reserve a spot for you in the death pool. The water is a little colder but at least the company you'll have is quiet.

The plan WAS to take things one day at a time, and to try to stay cool when the rage/craves hit.

It takes a little for me to open up to people sometimes. I should have called or texted someone, should have said something in the chat. Instead, I went haywire, and here I am, back at day 1.

Plan now is, stay inside today. Not leaving the house. I have enough food to last me 3-4 days if need be. I cut up my debit card and don't have any cash.

Going to to swimming in the pool this afternoon, and will do a deep clean of the apartment when I get back. Just need to keep busy, busy, busy.

Hold on a second there Faildar...you bought tobacco products...as "trophies". A fresh quitter buying tobacco products? Knowing you have craves? That is the stupidest thing I have read on this site. You intended to consume that shit. You do not have the mindset to quit. And if you were using nicotine gum and posting roll by the grace of god you deserve a fucking ass kicking because your WORD is worthless.

Think about who you are lying to in all this. Who are you trying to keep the truth from? Me? Your October quit brothers? The vets that have put this framework together to help us? I quit today. I will quit tomorrow...this I KNOW. A little cocky? May be. But I'm pretty fucking confident because I WANT TO QUIT.

'Finger'

Come back when you are ready.

This place is for Real Quitters whose word means something to them.

Taking my support elsewhere.

CC