What happened
I caved. I smoked a cigarette early Sunday AM at the bars. My good friend came back home into town on leave from the Marine Corps, and a bunch of old friends went out and got piss fucking drunk. I honestly didn't think much of going out and getting piss drunk, because I had done so so many times before in the last 47ish days. I asked another buddy for a cigarette and he obliged. Yesterday, when I asked him why he obliged - he shook his head and said, "meh, I gave you one a few weeks ago too when you were drinking". That was the point I knew I needed to come here and post a day one. I don't recall that other cigarette and the fact that I am so consistently asking for one when drunk shows I have a major major problem on multiple accounts.
I didn't text anyone, I didn't pull out a contract and read it over, I didn't get on my phone and cruise through KTC. I threw up absolutely zero defense mechanisms. I sat outside with an old friend and drunkenly polluted the early missouri morning air. I'm not sure what got into me.
Why it happened
Forgive me if this is a bit on the long side, as well as if it comes off as a bit of rambling - I'm going to post my raw unedited thoughts in regards to this.
I think I came into this quit with the wrong attitude. Sure, I did try to read and learn some, but looking back there seemed to be a limit on what I took in and was willing to learn. I specifically remember jumping up a few people's asses (I jumped up a lot of asses - some I still contend deserved it) who were really in the right. I remember one vet telling me I seriously needed to essentially adjust my attitude. I agree. I think I had half of the quit attitude down - the steel willed balls to the wall attitude knocked out of the park - I know this because I remember a night where a buddy and I split an entire bottle of Single Barrel Jack Daniels and I spent the entire night with my fists clenched staring at the wall avoiding nicotine use. I know I didn't use that night, and I feel like that was a testament to the balls to the wall attitude I subscribed to. That said that attitude was wrong. Like it has been said time and time again - we can't do this alone, we must be vigilant, and we must be smart. On many of occasions I was none of those. That doesn't apply to just the time where I caved, but also many other times.
I also think there is an elephant in room in regards to this whole situation. I'm starting to think I have a problem with alcohol - somewhat laughable coming from a 21 year old in college. I read once though that you don't have to use it everyday or every other day to be considered a problem drinker - I think that statement holds a lot of value. It seems that nearly every weekend I have an excuse to go out and get tore the fuck up both Friday and Saturday night, with some Thursdays smattered in there. It doesn't seem to matter if I have class at 9am the next morning, it's drill weekend or what. I always have an excuse to get fucking shit faced beyond the point of no fucking control. The sad part is the 2-3 times a week is comparably less than last semester when it was honestly 5-6 nights a week I'd get blasted off my ass. Hell, here recently I've even started driving, which is an entirely new low for me - I've NEVER done so in the past. I need to get this shit under control - majorly. I don't know - is it a problem. I certainly do know although alcohol didn't create the cave, it created the opportunity and justification for the cave. I honestly, hate the shit almost as much I hate nicotine, yet I still keep going back to it. That said, I feel like if I told anyone in my real life about my feelings in this regard that I'd be laughed out of the room. Alcohol is so widely accepted and used that such talk for a 21 year old college student is ridiculous. The fact that I was willing to endanger my quit so frequently only furthers this.
Beyond that and delving back into the attitude problem - I don't think I really wanted to quit when I started. I've mentioned this a couple of times, but I sat there and romanticized the shit on multiple occasions. I think this reminiscing was a huge factor - I still hang out to this day with a multitude of friends who were around and whom I helped to start their addictions through peer pressure. I need to quit looking at it as if we are sharing something in common. Hell I ran into an old friend who I hadn't seen in years this weekend. I didn't realize he chewed, yet even after 47 days of quit, I still talked to him about it. I still told him how I used to chew etc. I should have been telling him about how I quit, how long I've been quit, how KTC helped me.
Going back to why I didn't contact anybody - I think I got too comfortable in my quit. I said, fuck it, it's just one cig. Hell, I think part of me expected my friend to turn me down. That said, that's not his fucking job. I make my own decisions, and I need to be held responsible for them. It was my decision to go out that night and it was also my decision to go out completely unprepared.
What I am going to do differently next time
Honestly, I think the biggest part of this quit going forward is completely changing my attitude. Yes, I can still keep the balls to the wall attitude I had previously, but I need to tweak a number of things. I need to be willing to consistently and constantly learn in my quit and never stop learning - vigilance is going to be key. The nic bitch is always going to be there ready and waiting - I need to be ready and waiting as well. I have to start learning more, and not just for the next couple of weeks like last time. I need to learn continuously for the rest of my quit.
I don't think I was approachable enough with fellow group members either. Sure, I had the 4-5 people I texted with somewhat regularly, but that was never an EVERYDAY thing like it should have been. I didn't allow my quit to ever get completely IN MY FACE, so to speak. I texted when I needed to, but never just a hey good morning etc. Sure I was on chat, but often times especially in the early days my time spent on chat and the forums was spent arguing over petty shit. That surely didn't make people want to hold me accountable - after all who wants to get their head bitten off? I certainly don't. I need to get more numbers or use the ones I have more consistently. I need to use the lifelines given to me more often and consistently. I need to completely change my attitude in that regard - I'm not weak for reaching out. I'm no less of a person, I need to reach out more often than when I'm in dire trouble.
I also need to start getting my alcohol usage under control - I'm not saying I need to stop completely, but I certainly need to stop drinking myself under the table at every stupid dumb ass excuse I run across. Over the next week or so I plan on looking more into how to effectively tackle that bear - I imagine it will be in a very very similar manner as to how I need to continue to beat the nic bitch down.
