Jesse: You either run from things or you face them, Mr. White.
Walter: Now what exactly does that mean?
Jesse: I learned it in rehab. It's all about accepting who you really are. I accept who I am.
Walter: And who are you?
Jesse: I'm the bad guy.
I fucking love Breaking Bad. It took my wife a little bit to convince me to watch it too, but once I did...wow. It started (what I like to call) my "drug running run" on Netflix consisting of this show, Weeds, and Sons of Anarchy. For the last couple days, AMC ran a marathon of the entire series and I caught a few episodes. It's amazing to me how well they handled Jesse's battle with addiction and the self hatred that he faces.
While we may never bottom out as far as a meth addict or an alcoholic, our bottom does come. It's that moment of realization of what this stupid little weed has taken from our lives. I've written about mine many times: My then 6 year old son wanted beef jerky. I went to three stores to no avail and finally found one that carried....shredded beef jerky in a can. After him hawing over what he was presented, we went home. He walked into the house, said hi to mom, and promptly packed that fucking can right in front of her. My heart sank. I received a death stare from my wife, but it didn't matter: I saw myself clearer than she ever could at that moment.
And I fucking hated me.
I was sad. How could I let this child emulate this nasty "habit" that led to my lip being torn up, my wife unwilling to kiss me unless I prepared, or to recycle used chew when I was running low and couldn't get to the store fast enough? Yeah...free will and shit but we're also a product of our environment. No shame from others means no shame within, right?
I remembered this little site I had used to stop a few years prior. I prepared. That's how far down I was into this spiral...as much as I hated myself for using....I didn't quit right away. I bought some Smokey Mountain Snuff (herbal snuff) at Walmart. I let it sit on my refrigerator. I knew the day was coming, but couldn't come up with a triggering factor. Then, in a moment of weakness, I came to the KTC. I had read that some nicotine addicts were so messed up chemically in the head that they required medication to regulate the chemicals in their brains. I so desperately wanted that. I wanted to NEED my nicotine.
I found nobody here that shared my view. I spit out my chew I entered the chat room with (out of respect). I talked with some people. I even ran into a member of my group from 2006 (Franpro). He was still quit. I posted roll partially to quit and partially to spite the assholes that said I couldn't do this. The first day was a blur. The second day left me punch drunk. By day 3, I out of it. I made it to the weekend, and I even got some numbers. Those 3 numbers alone were more than I accumulated the first time around, and I used them all during a Fourth of July party. I avoided alcohol, and even told my boys were could go camping that night to assure an early exit from the party.
I wanted to be quit.
The rest is fucking history. 1280 for 1280. I've never missed a roll. I've lost count of how many numbers I have, and I am available to anybody on this site in need. Just ask. I see my words repeated here and other places as well. I am quit. I strive to be quit.
I've often had people tell me that they've never seen somebody come back like I did. I have. It's not that hard to temporarily know and see what we are. Unfortunately, we lie to ourselves. I've seen many a stopper not accept what he is and believe "I've got this". In that same episode of Breaking Bad that I pulled the above quote from, Jesse's group leader talks about how he killed his daughter while high on meth. Jesse asks him how he couldn't hate himself. His reply? Guilt and self-hate, explains the group leader, stand in the way of true change.
While guilt and self-hate may motivate upon your quit, do not let them become your identity. You're better than that, and quits based on those emotions cannot be sustained. At some point, you need to be you. You can't heal until you move on. The past is the past. The future is unwritten. We have right now. Learn from that past. Remember what horrible things you did and remember what traps you fell in. But do not dwell on these. You control your actions. Avoid the traps and avoid the path to them. While I readily identify as a retread, it's not something I dwell on. It's a badge on my uniform, and anybody can see the big blazing letters "QUIT" first and foremost before noticing it.
We're going to see a ton of new quitters here this week. Welcome. We're not so bad. We burn bright sometimes. We descend into madness sometimes. Quitting isn't pretty 100% of the time for anybody. That's why we do it one moment at a time. You can do this too. I know because I am.
