Struggling to continue

[Doofus]

You know who I feel sorry for?

People that will walk this earth and never know you. That's who.

Even through all the morass we've slogged through I still crack a smile whenever I think of you.

There's guys who could walk barefoot across a floor of tiddy's to collect a million bucks and still bitch.

Then there's guys who you could clean outhouses with and laugh about it later. I'd rather clean outhouses with you.

Love you brother. Couldn't imagine a quit without you man...well at least not a successful one. We carried each other...well maybe more you carried me through the shit with the nic. and we both are kicking her ass. now lets carry each other and kick the shit out of the demons leading us to alcohol

Isn't alcohol just another cunt to kick in the teeth like her sister Nicotine Bitch?

[Gromo]

You know who I feel sorry for?

People that will walk this earth and never know you. That's who.

Even through all the morass we've slogged through I still crack a smile whenever I think of you.

There's guys who could walk barefoot across a floor of tiddy's to collect a million bucks and still bitch.

Then there's guys who you could clean outhouses with and laugh about it later. I'd rather clean outhouses with you.

Love you brother. Couldn't imagine a quit without you man...well at least not a successful one. We carried each other...well maybe more you carried me through the shit with the nic. and we both are kicking her ass. now lets carry each other and kick the shit out of the demons leading us to alcohol

[Athan]

You know who I feel sorry for?

People that will walk this earth and never know you. That's who.

Even through all the morass we've slogged through I still crack a smile whenever I think of you.

There's guys who could walk barefoot across a floor of tiddy's to collect a million bucks and still bitch.

Then there's guys who you could clean outhouses with and laugh about it later. I'd rather clean outhouses with you.

[Gromo]

Alcohol is not helping me. It is negating the effectiveness of my meds, it is a depressant and it is not for me right now. I still give myself the hope of "Maybe once I've got my mental shit under order" and I hope that's the case. I've never viewed myself as an alcoholic but I do have alcoholic tendencies. I've known I needed to stop drinking for two months now and I keep saying "Well I can't quit because of my birthday, because of my collection of wine and whiskey, because of my anniversary wine, because of our ireland trip coming up next year!" Why does an ireland trip a year and a half away mean I can drink on Saturday? Or tonight at the wednesday night market? How do those correlate? I KNOW I should not drink right now. I know I should not drink until my brain is right. the Ireland trip will be its own problem next october. Will I cave and drink? I dunno, probably cause thats kind of the whole reason we were going there was to try all the whiskey and beer...But. That does not mean I can drink tomorrow. that doesn't give me an excuse to crack open a bottle right now. I LOVE whiskey, I love wine..that doesn't mean I need to get sloshed, that doesn't mean that if I don't drink for a year my alcohol will suddenly go bad...Maybe my white wine's but those are pretty fuckin cheap anyway and I'm sure they'll be fine. Moral of the story is its just another One Day At A Time.

[Gromo]

The random texts I get, even if I donÂ’t answer right away. They help. Know that people are going through the same stuff you are. By you reaching out, it has helped me. Try and be positive! That is hard for me most days! But quit, ODAAT!

One day at a time indeed brother! We got this man. Just gotta keep remembering and reminding myself if not now then when? Cause it aint gonna be something we can just shove under the rug for the rest of our lives. We deal with this here and now because if we don't then the last few months of torture were a waste and we are gonna go through the same damn thing later.

[BubbaM]

The random texts I get, even if I donÂ’t answer right away. They help. Know that people are going through the same stuff you are. By you reaching out, it has helped me. Try and be positive! That is hard for me most days! But quit, ODAAT!

[Gromo]

Mocha Bulletproof-ish Recipe:

Black Rifle Coffee, Black Beards Delight, French Press Style
Cacao Powder (thrive brand) 1 Teaspoon
Coconut Sugar (thrive brand) 1 Teaspoon
Madagascar Vanilla Bean Ghee (4th and heart brand)1 Tablespoon
MCT Oil (Now Sports Brand) 1 Tablespoon
Organic Ceylon Cinnamon (Fronteir Co-Op Brand) A couple dashes

Blend (Found out this is mandatory, don't stir it Blend the shit out of it)

[Doofus]

Hey man, I hear you. Everyone has their own method with KTC as the base methodology and winning strategy.

You hear a lot of guys say take what you need, leave the rest. KTC is the baseline.

I got two young daughters. My wife didn't have her Dad to walk her down the aisle, I dont want that for Charlotte and Elizabeth. So, I'd be lying if I said at least some of my quit is for them, some for me, some for my wife and family.....whatever it takes to keep that shit out of my mouth, nicotine out of my body.....whatever it takes bro, we know this.....I enjoy posting with other new quitters, I enjoy listening to other vets, I enjoy keeping my quit front and center so I dont get careless.....this site is the only thing that's worked well do far.

We have the duty now to lead others....and thereby solidifying our own quits.....we still HAVE live by ODAAT, THAT AINT EVER GONNA CHANGE....I'm good with that TODAY!

[Gromo]

Day 119
Some days if your one of the unlucky ones to get a case of the crazies, it's...harder to continue, lets say its a struggle.
The vets on this site say quit for yourself and some days you get to find out why that might not be enough.
I love my wife, why wouldn't I quit for her?? Well I do.
But not just her, I quit for myself, my brothers, my wife, my future children, my family, to keep my jaw, to live longer, to kiss more to fuck more to etc etc et.
The problem is I just dont really care about myself very much on some days...so myself, my jaw and my life are not strong reasons for my quit.
My wife, family and future children are strong reasons, and my brothers of quit have become a strong reason.
I constantly say that if it wasn't for a couple of the people on this site I'd have caved already.
That is 100% true, I would not be quit today if not for my brothers.
But some days you just don't know what to do when one of your strong reasons to quit suddenly turns into a strong reason to cave.
Thats why you need to find a reason to care about yourself to quit for yourself.
Because eventually you might catch a bit of the crazies like I have and it's gotten wayyy better. I'm not even saying that its close to as bad as it was in the beginning
It's still there though. And waves come in less frequent as time goes by but trying on my wife.

She is honestly a saint for staying with me as long as she has, but I can tell she's at a breaking point. She doesn't have anyone to talk to about whats wrong with me and it is my fault. Besides catching a case of the crazy I've asked her not to tell anyone. I already get the weird looks from my parents every once in awhile. Once the depression cats out of the bag aint no putting it back in. So I don't want her family to think I'm nuts, already got enough people that think that. But that's wearing on her...and she's no longer handling it well...I can't help but think that it'd be easier on her for me to just cave...she did great, I couldn't ask for more and it was selfish to ask for as much as I did...I'd rather die at 60 with her than at 90 without her...So this is one of those moments when you need to quit for as many reasons as possible...I only quit for her? I buy a tin on the way home...I quit for her and myself...well I no longer really care about myself...I cave...The only thing that is holding me steady on my quit for now is knowing that if I caved it would hurt my brothers quits and..while I might not care at the moment if I shorten my life it'd kill me to know that someone else caved because of my weakness. So my strength stems from that.

I'm not trying to be a drama queen on this one. I'm just trying to show people that might think quitting for themselves or quitting for their wives is enough...but eventually...you need every damn reason to be quit you can get. This site teaches you the tools to stay quit if you use them right. This site IS the tool to stay quit...because in the mindstate I'm in right now I can tell you 100% I would have a dip in RIGHT NOW, trying to get back to old me, in my mind that is still the way to mask my symptoms and if I no longer care about extending my life then why wouldn't masking them be enough? KTC is the strand of strength that I had left...it was all that kept me from going to the corner store last night after our argument...


100 days is not the end...119 days quit and I still want to be where I was...I just wanna be back to normal...I want to be quit but more than that I want to feel like myself again all the time...and one day hopefully I will. because already there are far less days that I feel like this than there used to be...I made it through the worst of it, and regardless of what my brains telling me right now, I know that I will eventually quit and I will eventually have to go through what I already went through and what I'm going through right now...So Why not today..why not right now. If I cave I will be going back to square 1. to square 0. I'm stronger than that

[Doofus]

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Jesus H. Christ! Private Pyle, why is your footlocker unlocked?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, I don't know, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Private Pyle, if there is one thing in this world that I hate, it is an unlocked footlocker! You know that, don't you?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: If it wasn't for dickheads like you, there wouldn't be any thievery in this world, would there?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Get down!
[Private Pyle steps down from the footlocker. Hartman flips open the lid with a bang.]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Well now... let's just see if there's anything missing!
Sergeant Hartman begins rummaging through the box, then freezes. He slowly picks up a jelly doughnut and holds it in disgust with his fingertips.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Holy Jesus! What is that? What the **** is that? What is that, Private Pyle?!
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, a jelly doughnut, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: A jelly doughnut?!
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: How did it get here?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, I took it from the mess hall, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Is chow allowed in the barracks, Private Pyle?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Are you allowed to eat jelly doughnuts, Private Pyle?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: And why not, Private Pyle?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, because I'm too heavy, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Because you are a disgusting fat body, Private Pyle!
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Then why did you hide a jelly doughnut in your foot locker, Private Pyle?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, because I was hungry, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Because you were hungry?
[Sergeant Hartman starts to walk down the line of recruits, with the jelly doughnut still at hand.]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Private Pyle has dishonored himself and dishonored the platoon! I have tried to help him, but I have failed! I have failed because you have not helped me! You have not given Private Pyle the proper motivation! So, from now on, whenever Private Pyle ****s up, I will not punish him, I will punish all of you! And the way I see it, ladies, you owe me for one jelly doughnut! Now, get on your faces!
[The other recruits get in front-leaning-rest position.]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: [to Pyle] Open your mouth!
[He shoves the jelly doughnut into Pyle's mouth.]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: They're paying for it, you eat it!

[Gromo]

Got robbed two weeks before I got outa the Navy. Was out at sea for a couple of months and when I get back, the place is cleaned out. They even took socks and underwear! Who takes socks and underwear?!
I remember the feeling though, of being violated. I could actually taste blood. Sorry it happened to you brother. Wish it would have happened to someone else, like that guy at the gym who can't be bothered to rerack his weights when he's done. Why not him? Or my brother in law, that would be justice! Well, maybe you'll have the pleasure of meeting them if they come to rob your place and you're home. Reckon if it comes to that we'll see it on the evening news!

I can hear it now "And a new form of vigilante justice is going on in California of all places. Three would be robbers raped to death after breaking into California man's home! Hear the full story at 8!"

"And here we are with neighbor mary lopez, Mary, can you tell me a little bit about what happened?"

"Well...it was one of the scariest things I've ever seen, I heard the glass smash and I saw a couple masked men climb into James' house, he always seemed like such a nice guy...and thats when the screaming started, I thought they might have gone after his wife and then realized it was men's voices screaming....then the laughter...laughter that will haunt me for a long time. I saw one of the robbers make it back to the window. We made eye contact and he was crying, begging me for help....then he was gone, yanked back into the darkness..."

[Gromo]

Got robbed two weeks before I got outa the Navy. Was out at sea for a couple of months and when I get back, the place is cleaned out. They even took socks and underwear! Who takes socks and underwear?!
I remember the feeling though, of being violated. I could actually taste blood. Sorry it happened to you brother. Wish it would have happened to someone else, like that guy at the gym who can't be bothered to rerack his weights when he's done. Why not him? Or my brother in law, that would be justice! Well, maybe you'll have the pleasure of meeting them if they come to rob your place and you're home. Reckon if it comes to that we'll see it on the evening news!

I can hear it now "And a new form of vigilante justice is going on in California of all places. Three would be robbers raped to death after breaking into California man's home! Hear the full story at 8!"

[Athan]

Got robbed two weeks before I got outa the Navy. Was out at sea for a couple of months and when I get back, the place is cleaned out. They even took socks and underwear! Who takes socks and underwear?!
I remember the feeling though, of being violated. I could actually taste blood. Sorry it happened to you brother. Wish it would have happened to someone else, like that guy at the gym who can't be bothered to rerack his weights when he's done. Why not him? Or my brother in law, that would be justice! Well, maybe you'll have the pleasure of meeting them if they come to rob your place and you're home. Reckon if it comes to that we'll see it on the evening news!

[Gromo]

Yeh, that addict brain is really dumb

Right? Especially after the fact, thinking about how much I tried to justify it or random thoughts I had where it would be ok if...blah blah blah Always makes me feel like a god damned idiot. Hell some of the things I posted on here I poofed out of embarrassment...I wish I hadn't now, but after I wrote them, then cooled off and got my shit together and re-read them I was like "Yeah that can't ever surface again in any job interview...so...gonna have to disappear that one incase I end up getting that job at the PD" lol

That would be an entertaining police brutality case "Um, so it says here in transcript B...that you would like to 'Beat them to death...the stupid *expletive*...I hope they get hit by a *expletive* bus, these *expletive* *expletive* *expletive* *explivers*! I'm going to *expletive* in their *expletive's*' and you were talking about...DMV employee's? Your honor I believe the evidence is overwhelming on why this officer is mentally unfit to wear a badge."

[Gromo]

Yeh, that addict brain is really dumb

Right? Especially after the fact, thinking about how much I tried to justify it or random thoughts I had where it would be ok if...blah blah blah Always makes me feel like a god damned idiot. Hell some of the things I posted on here I poofed out of embarrassment...I wish I hadn't now, but after I wrote them, then cooled off and got my shit together and re-read them I was like "Yeah that can't ever surface again in any job interview...so...gonna have to disappear that one incase I end up getting that job at the PD" lol