No looking back

[AppleJack]

I had a shitty summer. I posted roll everyday and between that and all the buddies I knew I could count on if needed a cave was never a threat but it was a rough summer, I worked too much, drove too much, traveled too much. I was at way too many baseball games with my coworkers all dipping, it was harder than I would of liked, had a lot of the "fuck it's" but I muddled through one day at a time. The best thing about crap times like that is no matter your day count when you manage to show the crappy times that you will face whatever they have to give and you will do it free from the bonds of shame, that when you triumph each day the intoxication of freedom is just that much sweeter.

Luby,
You are a role model to quitters on here and I hope that you can continue to inspire and stay quit. Thank you for being a quitter.

Pinched

Bro... Proud to be your neighbor, proud to be a quit brother with you! Good stuff man. Thanks for being an example of Rock Solid Quit!

[Pinched]

I had a shitty summer. I posted roll everyday and between that and all the buddies I knew I could count on if needed a cave was never a threat but it was a rough summer, I worked too much, drove too much, traveled too much. I was at way too many baseball games with my coworkers all dipping, it was harder than I would of liked, had a lot of the "fuck it's" but I muddled through one day at a time. The best thing about crap times like that is no matter your day count when you manage to show the crappy times that you will face whatever they have to give and you will do it free from the bonds of shame, that when you triumph each day the intoxication of freedom is just that much sweeter.

Luby,
You are a role model to quitters on here and I hope that you can continue to inspire and stay quit. Thank you for being a quitter.

Pinched

[luby]

I had a shitty summer. I posted roll everyday and between that and all the buddies I knew I could count on if needed a cave was never a threat but it was a rough summer, I worked too much, drove too much, traveled too much. I was at way too many baseball games with my coworkers all dipping, it was harder than I would of liked, had a lot of the "fuck it's" but I muddled through one day at a time. The best thing about crap times like that is no matter your day count when you manage to show the crappy times that you will face whatever they have to give and you will do it free from the bonds of shame, that when you triumph each day the intoxication of freedom is just that much sweeter.

[luby]

After 2 years quit it's still the little things.... Today I vacuumed out my car, this is the first nice car I've ever had, I'm not a car guy at all, so I have always been fine with a decent used car that runs, plus I'm kinda cheap so spending big coin on a car never appealed to me. So I'm vacuuming my nice new to me car and I realized I haven't vacuumed a car since I quit. One reason was my last car
was kind of a pile and I didn't care, another reason is I'm kinda lazy, but the main reason without dipping the car stays pretty damn clean. I remember what a chore it was with all the chew bits everywhere, plus I was a ninja so I had to vacuum all the fucking time to keep it decent. Cleaning the car way less often just another of the infinite number of reasons to quit!

Thank You. You've been there always for me to look up to as an example in quitting. I always enjoy your comments.

I really appreciate you saying that, this Community has meant so much to me whenever I feel like I've given back a little it makes me happy because I owe this place so much.

[Wt57]

After 2 years quit it's still the little things.... Today I vacuumed out my car, this is the first nice car I've ever had, I'm not a car guy at all, so I have always been fine with a decent used car that runs, plus I'm kinda cheap so spending big coin on a car never appealed to me. So I'm vacuuming my nice new to me car and I realized I haven't vacuumed a car since I quit. One reason was my last car
was kind of a pile and I didn't care, another reason is I'm kinda lazy, but the main reason without dipping the car stays pretty damn clean. I remember what a chore it was with all the chew bits everywhere, plus I was a ninja so I had to vacuum all the fucking time to keep it decent. Cleaning the car way less often just another of the infinite number of reasons to quit!

Thank You. You've been there always for me to look up to as an example in quitting. I always enjoy your comments.

[luby]

After 2 years quit it's still the little things.... Today I vacuumed out my car, this is the first nice car I've ever had, I'm not a car guy at all, so I have always been fine with a decent used car that runs, plus I'm kinda cheap so spending big coin on a car never appealed to me. So I'm vacuuming my nice new to me car and I realized I haven't vacuumed a car since I quit. One reason was my last car
was kind of a pile and I didn't care, another reason is I'm kinda lazy, but the main reason without dipping the car stays pretty damn clean. I remember what a chore it was with all the chew bits everywhere, plus I was a ninja so I had to vacuum all the fucking time to keep it decent. Cleaning the car way less often just another of the infinite number of reasons to quit!

[AppleJack]

Thank you, bro! I think we all have stories that have similar, if not identical, components. I'm glad you're a neighbor. It makes all of this more real. Proud to quit with you man!

[G]

Congrats, Luby. You're an inspiration.

[RAZD611]

Well Done Luby!!!

[luby]

Friday July 15, 2011. The last day I dipped or used nicotine in any form.

All I remember for most of the day is being utterly defeated. I had lost, I was resigned to my fate. I couldn't quit, of all the attempts I had made this was the one I had put all my faith in and I had failed miserably. I was as ashamed of myself as I had ever been.
There was one little trigger that sent me to the internet, I was running errands and heard an ad on the radio for nicotine cessation study that the University of Oregon was running, it sounded like it was for college kids but I kinda stowed the info and thought I'd check in out later.
That night my wife went to bed early and I had probably a bit too much to drink reached for the Ipad and decided to look up the study I had heard about earlier, I found nothing on it but KTC popped up and I read a little, I got excited thinking this could really help. I managed to sign up for an account but I couldn't manage to do much else on the Ipad. I actually posted in September '11 totally screwed it up too. I post something in general discussion as well got really frustrated and went to bed thinking I'd found something that gave me a little hope but I was too computer stupid to figure it out.
The next morning I checked my phone and had a email from Chewie offering to help that email got me back on the site and I had pm's from DennyX and eafman. Texting and pm's with those two got me through the first 3 days when I had no idea what a roll post even was. The next week when my wife went back to work I lived on the site, read everything I could, spent a LOT of time in chat started posting roll daily, I have now done that for the last 731 days, and I don't plan on going anywhere.

So that is it, for me it all started with my last failure on my own. I found the help I needed and have lived free for 2 years. Is it easy? Most of the time, but there are still rough days, but I have the tools to deal with those days.

I love it here, and as horrible as I felt 2 years ago it was worth it to find KTC.

[luby]

Thursday July 14, 2011

First off thanks for the two years congrats, it is greatly appreciated but my true quit day is not until tomorrow because of the extra day in leap year. I usually don't really care but I want my little look back to be accurate and Thurday the 14th was probably as important to my finding KTC as the day I actually did it.

I remember I was up earlier than normal (when I am home off work I sleep in) I was wasting time on the computer with a dip in when I got a last second invite to play in a golf tourny. I am a freelancer and a couple influential people in my business was part of a foursome that had a last second cancellation. I usually don't run with the decision maker types but this was a good opportunity and it was free golf at a very nice course. I dropped everything and headed for the course.

Even at work where most people know I dipped I always kept it away when I was with the big wigs, every gig in my profession is competitive and I don't want people to have any reason to think less of me. None of that mattered on this day, though I chewed the whole round, no hiding it at all, just didn't care. I think the two clients was with just thought I was knucklehead but my boss type that had invited me gave me a lot of weird looks.

It hit me on the way home from the course just how bad I was getting, I had gone from quit, to every once in awhile, to full blown ninja mode, to actually worse than I had been before my big "July 4th Quit day".

[LionHeartedGirl]

Congrats on two years Luby!! You prove that it can be done and life on this side is so much sweeter. Enjoy your day!

[luby]

July 12  13

Two days that looking back on I can't differentiate between the two. Basically this is when "occasional dipper" charade came crashing down, not that it ever really existed any where but inside my addict brain, but these two days I didn't even bother justifying my use to myself, I just chewed. My wife was back at work and my pathetic ninja ass just chewed the whole day away while she was gone.
The reality of what I was doing still hadn't quite set in, I felt worthless and weak but I still had that macho, addict rational that I would just quit whenever I wanted to....

I hadn't quite hit rock bottom but I was starting to see it.

Even though I was not a part of KTC yet I will now answer the 3 questions....

1) What Happened?
I was such an unaware addict that buying a can and chewing when it was available was almost as natural as breathing. Too much of my addict brain, controlled too much of freedom desiring brain to stop the addict part.

2) Why did it happen?
I was weak. Simple really, I still am. I am an addict and I am not strong enough to break my chains by myself, I need help. I had no help back then, I couldn't turn to my wife or family because they didn't know, I couldn't turn to my friends because they all chew (still do amazingly enough) and I had not found KTC yet.

3) What will I do different this time
Find KTC, use it first and foremost to educate myself. The support has helped me countless times but the most important thing for me was to learn I am an addict, I am not gonna be strong enough on my own at times but I don't need to be. I have dozens of numbers in my phone, I have hundreds of people I could turn to on this site and if that is not enough I could reach out to everyone here and get the help I need. What I will do differently next time (and have done for almost two years) is fight like a basterd all damn day, every damn day, and if I need help in my fight I know where to find it.

[DennyX]

July 10  11

Two days that were basically the same day. My wife had Sunday and Monday off so as a ninja it was easier to be a guy who uses less, since even before my monumnetal, geniuos idea to be an occasional dipper I never dipped in front of my wife. She did go workout each morning however and I managed to shove one in my face each day. Looking back what I remember most about these two days (and actually Tuesday and Wednesday of my last attempt fall into this category as well) is just how in denial I was. I had tried to quit for years and I had really built this one up in my mind, I did not even make it a week yet I was feeling no regret, no shame, and I'd been feeling ashamed for years. This time was such a colossal failure my mind wouldn't even think about it yet. Almost like I was in shock and not facing the reality of the situation.

Love me some Luby! Thank you, dude.

I was never a ninja dipper. Its cool to see the other side. I have really enjoyed your reminiscing. Excellent!!

Man I know what you mean about the shame being so intense you could t even face it. I lived in such shame for years. Coming out of that pit, that despair, that pathetic place where we lied to the ones we love and ourselves, is one of the things that makes the FREEDOM especially sweet for me. Shine the light of truth on all the lies and the addiction and freedom will be yours. Damn I love Luby.

[srans]

July 10  11

Two days that were basically the same day. My wife had Sunday and Monday off so as a ninja it was easier to be a guy who uses less, since even before my monumnetal, geniuos idea to be an occasional dipper I never dipped in front of my wife. She did go workout each morning however and I managed to shove one in my face each day. Looking back what I remember most about these two days (and actually Tuesday and Wednesday of my last attempt fall into this category as well) is just how in denial I was. I had tried to quit for years and I had really built this one up in my mind, I did not even make it a week yet I was feeling no regret, no shame, and I'd been feeling ashamed for years. This time was such a colossal failure my mind wouldn't even think about it yet. Almost like I was in shock and not facing the reality of the situation.

Love me some Luby! Thank you, dude.

I was never a ninja dipper. Its cool to see the other side. I have really enjoyed your reminiscing. Excellent!!