Far too long since the last contribution to Krusty's Quit Journal, but not for lack of focus on my quit. This entry is not meant to mark any milestone, either -- a lot of guys have reached out with congrats on reaching 50 today, and that strengthens my resolve and proves that "the system" works. If I wasn't building a support network over the past seven weeks, however, my phone wouldn't have been lighting up all day, and I would have been cheating myself -- and today posed no test to my quit, thankfully.
I'm not so naive to think that the future is all butterflies and rainbows, and I've been amazed at some of the shit that other people have been juggling both early and well into their quits, yet their commitment has been unwavering. I've been fortunate that the physical side of my quit has been manageable. Mentally was a bit more challenging early-on, particularly when I lost sight of ODAAT and got overwhelmed thinking about "forever". While HOF is in the back of my mind, it only represents a number, some words of reflection, and commemoration with the guys in my immediate circle. Life goes on the next day, and it's back to ODAAT, regardless of how many days are behind it.
Sharing a bit more about myself and my reserved view about HOF: the last meaningful time I took a break from my addiction to Copenhagen was one year before I got married to my beautiful (and wonderfully patient) wife, which was mid-2006 to mid-2007. She was a social smoker at the time, and I was then as I am now: completely beholden to nicotine. We made a pact that we would both stop using our respective nicotine products for the year before our wedding, to "enjoy" the engagement period with a healthy lifestyle or something. But really it was because we also agreed that on the night of the wedding reception, we would allow ourselves to let loose and get reacquainted with our old nicotine friends.
So, we kept our word to each other and stayed clean for one year. And at the party after our reception, she bummed a cigarette from some of her friends, and I tore into a tin of Copenhagen like a wild animal deprived of food for weeks. Kept it in / refreshed it well into the early morning hours. Couldn't have been happier -- had just celebrated the happiest day of my life, was in the company of closest friends and family, was in an amazing location, and I had a massive fatty in my mouth. When everyone started peeling off for bed, my new bride said she wanted to "go to bed", too. And what did her new loving husband do, upon being presented with the quintessential wedding night opportunity?
You guessed it:Â put in a fresh lipper and hung out with college buddies to fill up our spitters some more.
Fucking jackass.
I think that's why I'm trying to avoid ascribing too much importance to HOF, at least in my case: the last time I stopped using for any comparable length of time, I rewarded myself with a cave, and embraced it. I was counting down the days to my cave, for crying out loud. Since that planned cave, every effort to stop using was a pathetic attempt to appease my wife's concerns about my health, our future together, and the impact my dipping was having on our relationship. And deep down, in every case, I knew I wasn't going to keep any promise to stop dipping.
So here I am. 50 days into my quit. And I'm counting down the days to have a massive helping of more quit, with gravy. Fucking jackass.
Yeah the terminus isn't the objective here, it's the journey for as many consecutive 24 hr periods as possible. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing some fresh inspiration for us noobs. It's good to be quitting with you.
Thanks Krusty.
I'll be right behind you +1.
QLF
Great post Krusty. It's a good reminder that 100 days isn't a magic cure.
Krusty,
I'd like to go back in time and kick you in the nuts on your wedding night. We're all addicts, it's pathetic the things all of us have done to serve the nic bitch. You're just like the rest of us and the rest of us are just like you. Quit with you EDD, my friend.
With you Krust...QLF EDD.
Roger that on the HOF. While it is a nice even number to make into a quit milestone, I'm also playing down it's significance with regard to my quit. For me, reaching the HOF is just another confirmation that I CAN quit (which I already know now...and will continue to know well after the HOF). If my only sign that I hit the HOF on that day is a faint female voice in the back of my head "floor 2....going up", that's fine with me.
Krusty thanks for this post. I just got tested again. As I read your story, the bitch was whispering in my ear. I should start a countdown. I should celebrate sometime. Wouldn't it feel good to "tear into a fresh tin of Cope" and have at it into the wee hours? Seriously, i even have that empty or hollow feeling down inside right now that i know is a stronger crave.
Fuck that. What the hell? This far in, and reading a story brings this on? You know, it keeps me humble, and I'm thankful for that. Yep, i'm an addict, and it ain't going away too soon. The guys that have been quit for hundreds more days than me say it gets better, and I'm looking forward to that, but I have a long way to do. And i'll frickin do it with all these badasses here, fighting that same damn battle every day. Won't be caving today, and i strongly suspect I'll be promising the same to you all tomorrow.
