Thanks Srans Miles, today has been much better. I can't get to the hate or the regret, but getting to internalize the 'it's time to move on grow up' attitude.
See for me to have hate or regret, I'd have to think that at some point I F'ed up in choosing to even try tobacco. I didn't. At the time given the decision parameters I had to work with, it was the greatest decision ever. The problem was for me it wasn't a one time choice or one time issue that I F-ed up. I'm an addict, always have been always will be so I'm told. But whereas for my previous adult life I chose to scratch the itch again again, now I'm choosing to ignore it till it goes away.
Lets hop in the Delorean at 88mph go visit young mike busting open a can of hawken at band camp, probably 89 or so.
Young Mike really wouldn't have listened to old Mike at that point, why that gray haired old geezer he must be near 40! What does he know? I'm fascinated by dipping the very idea of it. Everybody does it, I can quit later. My whole family smokes, what's the big deal. I've got decades before I'm old enough to worry.
Well then just how did this turn into a 2 decade cope habit? College, votech, degrees, all late night study sessions made better by cope. Hanging out with the jocks, hanging out with the cowboy kids. Going to bars nightclubs though I rarely drank. Hey everybody's gotta have a vice. Mine's the safest one going. Farming jobs, oilfield jobs, first jobs, life changes, moves, construction, on on. Soon 20 years have passed you haven't hardly noticed you got old you're not a 20yo at a frat party anymore.
So no I can't have anger or regret at my choices as I chose to feed the addiction one day at a time in every situation it was called for. In order to not be an addict today I'd have to have a completely different life than what I've lead, not likely. It hasn't been one or two bad decisions, it's been a whole lifetime of who I am.
No anger, no regret, it's just who I was what I did, now it's time to change. Like moving to a new house, starting a new career with a new company, buying a new car. Life changes your needs/wants change as you grow too, this is another thing to fix/change in my life while I still have the freedom to do so.
Not sure this analysis makes total sense, but it's like I can't say "gee if I'd just not tried that once I'd be the same only healthy today". Because that's not the case. If I missed or refused the first opportunity to get into a can, there'd be another one tomorrow. Just like on here how I have to choose to remain off it again tomorrow.
Ok I forget what I was actually gonna blog about tonight, but that should be good. Better day today, I finally don't feel like I'm honestly planning a cave for vacation feel like I might just have a better vacation without tobacco! Wild! Never would've thought that a week ago.
