Time to Grow a Spine

[kneedragger]

Day 33 - Going on the offensive
Closing in on week five. These weekly milestones have not been the celebrations I thought they'd be. I thought I'd be psyched, proud of myself, relishing my new found freedom, etc. I think the 2 week mark was the last time I felt that way. Ever since day 15 I've felt like I've just barely been surviving. Week 3 was way harder than I thought it was going to be with dip rage that had me foaming at the mouth. For most of week 4 I just felt like a wandering drooling moron who couldn't put a sentance together. In week 5, I made the subtle transition from fog to funk which felt like going from stupid to depressed.

I did have one good day in my fourth week and I'm glad I wrote it down when it happened. I think I would have forgotten it otherwise. The vets keep telling me that these good days start slow. But eventually they happen more and more often and the bad days get further and further apart. I learned a lot about this when I read Greg's quit journal. Maybe my good days aren't that close together yet, but the fact that I've had a few means progress. Fuck a duck, I guess I'm winning. And guess what...I got nowhere to go but up.

Took me a while to realize this since my brain has been fairly useless as of late. But once I did, I made a conscious decision to re-assert my ownership of my quit. I need to get energized and fight complacency. I think I've learned that a passive quit won't work for me. I don't know if I can count today as a good day, but I do feel more in charge since making that decision. I'm reaching out to my quit brothers and strengthening my relationship with them. I'm showing my gratitude for they're support and looking for ways to pay it forward. I want to do everything I can to make this quit successful and march with my newfound brothers towards everlasting freedom. Goddamn...I can almost smell it.

So, I don't see a whole lot of thanks on this site except for in HOF speeches, but I got a massive amount of help this week and it really carried me through. I know nobody on this site is looking for recognition, but I want you to know that what you do here is changing my life. Thanks Steeler, Teamgreen, DJS, markr and kd4jet. ALBYJAY, thanks for returning my call, man. Volp, you're my quit guru, brother. And Greg5280, thanks for your journal entries about going for walks every night with your daughter. You reminded me that I want to ge a good father when my first son comes along. Thanks for that, man.

Til next time. -KD out

[teamgreen]

Day 29
I’m tired.  Man, I’m tired.  Closing in on a month.  I thought I’d feel more like celebrating.  More than anything else I’m disappointed with how much I still have to fight, how much time I spend doing weird stuff that’s obviously related to my quit, how much time I spend yielding to every impulse but one. 

Yesterday, I spent the whole day planning to go to the gym, but could never actually get myself to go.  Eventually I went to McDonald’s, bought enough food for three people and ate until I was literally sick.  I had painful stomach cramps and ended up on the crapper for about half an hour.  By the time I finally got up, I had flushed three or four times and my legs were asleep.  Then I sat up until 2am watching TV knowing that I had to get up for work at 6am.  And I don’t know why.  Why not just go to bed and tick off another day?  I think it’s because I used to love throwing in a dip and reading in bed.  With my wife out of town, maybe I thought crawling into bed would be a trigger.  I’m just guessing, though.  If that’s what made me stay up, it was completely subconscious.  I didn’t feel like I was fighting a craving.  I just felt like I was being a lazy, self-indulgent slob.

Of course, now I’m exhausted.  Can’t concentrate at work.  Can’t concentrate on this fucking post.  I keep writing and deleting and re-writing because I don’t know what the fuck I’m trying to say.  I just know that I’m nowhere close to normal.  I guess I didn’t expect to be, but maybe I thought I’d feel a little more normal than I do.  My mouth is killing me…mostly because I’m on my 7th or 8th atomic fireball.  I’ve only done one thing at work today.  Had to write an email…took all morning.  Actually got a call from some of the guys on my team who wanted my input on something.  I acted like I was up against a deadline and couldn’t help them.  I asked them to email me their questions and I would get back to them “as soon as I can get out from under a few things”.  There are no things…I have not opened the email they sent…this is not the hard part of my job…

Holy shit, it’s almost 3:00.  How long have I been writing this post?  Is this helping any?  Will I feel any better when I hit send?  Did I feel better while I wrote this?  Is there any killer quit wisdom in this post?  Will I continue to carry the morning paper on my commute despite lacking the concentration to read it?  Will I continue to treat the tight fit of my clothes as a temporary condition?  For how long will I exercise so excessively that I have to limp to the counter to order four cheeseburgers for dinner?  Was I ever really a friendly guy?  Can I be sure that all the people I’ve killed during my quit were actually in my imagination?  Am I the only guy that visualizes the nic bitch as a cartoon?

Your last two posts certainly illustrate the ups and downs of this journey. Best advice here would be to simply go back and read your last post. It was very upbeat and you felt good.

You will continue to feel the highs and lows. Just remember the highs as you go through what you have been the last few days.

You are still quit, you have not caved, you do not have to face a day 1-3 ever again.

It will get better

I promise

Yep, agree with Steeler. I can say that the last week has been pretty good. Better concentration, finally starting to get my diet half way back in check. Starting to have mediumish motivation, calmer.

You just did a nice job of describing what I was feeling on and off for the first 30-45 days. Just. Could. Not. Concentrate. I was procrastinating so much at work due to inability to concentrate that I was starting to worry I'd get fired if anyone figured out how far behind I was. I'm catching up now. I'll have shitty days moving forward, but it's getting better.

Regarding the trail of dip rage inspired death and destruction you have been leaving in your wake, just keep an eye out for unmarked Chevy Caprices or Ford Crown Victorias following you. If you don't see any, I wouldn't worry about it. You probably didn't kill anyone in real life.

[Steelers]

Day 29
IÂ’m tired. Man, IÂ’m tired. Closing in on a month. I thought IÂ’d feel more like celebrating. More than anything else IÂ’m disappointed with how much I still have to fight, how much time I spend doing weird stuff thatÂ’s obviously related to my quit, how much time I spend yielding to every impulse but one.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day planning to go to the gym, but could never actually get myself to go. Eventually I went to McDonaldÂ’s, bought enough food for three people and ate until I was literally sick. I had painful stomach cramps and ended up on the crapper for about half an hour. By the time I finally got up, I had flushed three or four times and my legs were asleep. Then I sat up until 2am watching TV knowing that I had to get up for work at 6am. And I donÂ’t know why. Why not just go to bed and tick off another day? I think itÂ’s because I used to love throwing in a dip and reading in bed. With my wife out of town, maybe I thought crawling into bed would be a trigger. IÂ’m just guessing, though. If thatÂ’s what made me stay up, it was completely subconscious. I didnÂ’t feel like I was fighting a craving. I just felt like I was being a lazy, self-indulgent slob.

Of course, now I’m exhausted. Can’t concentrate at work. Can’t concentrate on this fucking post. I keep writing and deleting and re-writing because I don’t know what the fuck I’m trying to say. I just know that I’m nowhere close to normal. I guess I didn’t expect to be, but maybe I thought I’d feel a little more normal than I do. My mouth is killing me…mostly because I’m on my 7th or 8th atomic fireball. I’ve only done one thing at work today. Had to write an email…took all morning. Actually got a call from some of the guys on my team who wanted my input on something. I acted like I was up against a deadline and couldn’t help them. I asked them to email me their questions and I would get back to them “as soon as I can get out from under a few things”. There are no things…I have not opened the email they sent…this is not the hard part of my job…

Holy shit, itÂ’s almost 3:00. How long have I been writing this post? Is this helping any? Will I feel any better when I hit send? Did I feel better while I wrote this? Is there any killer quit wisdom in this post? Will I continue to carry the morning paper on my commute despite lacking the concentration to read it? Will I continue to treat the tight fit of my clothes as a temporary condition? For how long will I exercise so excessively that I have to limp to the counter to order four cheeseburgers for dinner? Was I ever really a friendly guy? Can I be sure that all the people IÂ’ve killed during my quit were actually in my imagination? Am I the only guy that visualizes the nic bitch as a cartoon?

Your last two posts certainly illustrate the ups and downs of this journey. Best advice here would be to simply go back and read your last post. It was very upbeat and you felt good.

You will continue to feel the highs and lows. Just remember the highs as you go through what you have been the last few days.

You are still quit, you have not caved, you do not have to face a day 1-3 ever again.

It will get better

I promise

[kneedragger]

Day 29
IÂ’m tired. Man, IÂ’m tired. Closing in on a month. I thought IÂ’d feel more like celebrating. More than anything else IÂ’m disappointed with how much I still have to fight, how much time I spend doing weird stuff thatÂ’s obviously related to my quit, how much time I spend yielding to every impulse but one.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day planning to go to the gym, but could never actually get myself to go. Eventually I went to McDonaldÂ’s, bought enough food for three people and ate until I was literally sick. I had painful stomach cramps and ended up on the crapper for about half an hour. By the time I finally got up, I had flushed three or four times and my legs were asleep. Then I sat up until 2am watching TV knowing that I had to get up for work at 6am. And I donÂ’t know why. Why not just go to bed and tick off another day? I think itÂ’s because I used to love throwing in a dip and reading in bed. With my wife out of town, maybe I thought crawling into bed would be a trigger. IÂ’m just guessing, though. If thatÂ’s what made me stay up, it was completely subconscious. I didnÂ’t feel like I was fighting a craving. I just felt like I was being a lazy, self-indulgent slob.

Of course, now I’m exhausted. Can’t concentrate at work. Can’t concentrate on this fucking post. I keep writing and deleting and re-writing because I don’t know what the fuck I’m trying to say. I just know that I’m nowhere close to normal. I guess I didn’t expect to be, but maybe I thought I’d feel a little more normal than I do. My mouth is killing me…mostly because I’m on my 7th or 8th atomic fireball. I’ve only done one thing at work today. Had to write an email…took all morning. Actually got a call from some of the guys on my team who wanted my input on something. I acted like I was up against a deadline and couldn’t help them. I asked them to email me their questions and I would get back to them “as soon as I can get out from under a few things”. There are no things…I have not opened the email they sent…this is not the hard part of my job…

Holy shit, itÂ’s almost 3:00. How long have I been writing this post? Is this helping any? Will I feel any better when I hit send? Did I feel better while I wrote this? Is there any killer quit wisdom in this post? Will I continue to carry the morning paper on my commute despite lacking the concentration to read it? Will I continue to treat the tight fit of my clothes as a temporary condition? For how long will I exercise so excessively that I have to limp to the counter to order four cheeseburgers for dinner? Was I ever really a friendly guy? Can I be sure that all the people IÂ’ve killed during my quit were actually in my imagination? Am I the only guy that visualizes the nic bitch as a cartoon?

[Greg5280]

Day 24 - I think I might feel better...
the late day sun is shining through my office window. it's quiet since most of my co-workers have left. i had a big day with a successful meeting with a very important partner. if i wasn't stayin' off the sauce, i'd say it's miller time.

for the first time since i quit, i see some evidence of truth to the statement that several veterans have repeatedly written on this thread. "hang tough", they'd say. "it will get better". it will get better, it will get better, it will get better. i remember saying this over and over to myself with my jaw set and that funky looking vein popping out of my forehead as I fought the craves and the funk and the fog...for the love of god, when is it going to get better?!?!?!

i can't remember if i've said this before, but i'm still shocked at how hard week three was for me. i never would have thought. this is a perfect example of why i wanted to document my quit. i know i'm a dumb fuck now, so it stands to reason that my future self will also be a dumb fuck. since i feel like i'm experiencing an uncharacteristic moment of clarity, i will make what i believe is a reasonable assumption...i will assume that my present self is moderately less of a dumb fuck than my future self. so i'm going to get a little preachy on my future self:

Dear Future Self:

Remember day 14? You felt great, like the hard part was behind you, like success was all but gauranteed. Then day 15 came at you like the wrath of God descending upon your sorry little head. You couldn't think, you snapped at everyone, you were useless at work (and I mean fucking useless), you ate disgustingly massive amounts of junk food, you were tormented by your miniscule attention span, you felt like there was nowhere to hide. You ran, you sweat, you shook, you prayed for the strength to get through these cravings. REMEMBER THESE THINGS YOU FUCKING MORON.

This feeling lasted for a solid nine days and I'm still shocked that you didn't cave because I know what a puss you can be. You can't do it again. You can't. Remember that when the voice in your head whispers to you that you can handle just one...for the love of god, don't listen to that voice.

Signed,
Your Slightly Less Idiotic Past Self

P.S. Stay quit you stupid fuck


and for any newbies out there trolling these boards trying to decide if they should quit, think about this. i told you that the veterans kept telling me that it will get better. i feel like i heard that a hundred times. the truth is, I probably did hear it a hundred times. and I'm only three and a half weeks into my quit. but the amount of support you get on this site is commensurate to depth of your suffering. and each time I called out, i was answered. if that was a hundred times, so be it. it's almost hard to believe that it's true and i can't figure out why these guys do it. but they're here for you and you're nuts if you don't take advantage of it. you'll never find a better site, so dump your can in the shitter and get your sorry ass in here.

Excellent post. I remember the feelings well. Nine shitty days followed by a bit of clarity and a couple of really GREAT days. I know you have heard it hundreds of times already but the bad days get farther apart and you will have more good days.

For me this site saved my ass more than once. Like you say you get on here and sing out and you get more help than you can imagine. I read on here a statement that went something like this and it really helped me.

When you are having a bad day your are "working" your quit. When everything is going well you are "living" your quit. Work your ass off when you need to, and enjoy living when you get the chances.  

Great work... you got this !!

[superjet701]

Day 24 - I think I might feel better...
the late day sun is shining through my office window. it's quiet since most of my co-workers have left. i had a big day with a successful meeting with a very important partner. if i wasn't stayin' off the sauce, i'd say it's miller time.

for the first time since i quit, i see some evidence of truth to the statement that several veterans have repeatedly written on this thread. "hang tough", they'd say. "it will get better". it will get better, it will get better, it will get better. i remember saying this over and over to myself with my jaw set and that funky looking vein popping out of my forehead as I fought the craves and the funk and the fog...for the love of god, when is it going to get better?!?!?!

i can't remember if i've said this before, but i'm still shocked at how hard week three was for me. i never would have thought. this is a perfect example of why i wanted to document my quit. i know i'm a dumb fuck now, so it stands to reason that my future self will also be a dumb fuck. since i feel like i'm experiencing an uncharacteristic moment of clarity, i will make what i believe is a reasonable assumption...i will assume that my present self is moderately less of a dumb fuck than my future self. so i'm going to get a little preachy on my future self:

Dear Future Self:

Remember day 14? You felt great, like the hard part was behind you, like success was all but gauranteed. Then day 15 came at you like the wrath of God descending upon your sorry little head. You couldn't think, you snapped at everyone, you were useless at work (and I mean fucking useless), you ate disgustingly massive amounts of junk food, you were tormented by your miniscule attention span, you felt like there was nowhere to hide. You ran, you sweat, you shook, you prayed for the strength to get through these cravings. REMEMBER THESE THINGS YOU FUCKING MORON.

This feeling lasted for a solid nine days and I'm still shocked that you didn't cave because I know what a puss you can be. You can't do it again. You can't. Remember that when the voice in your head whispers to you that you can handle just one...for the love of god, don't listen to that voice.

Signed,
Your Slightly Less Idiotic Past Self

P.S. Stay quit you stupid fuck


and for any newbies out there trolling these boards trying to decide if they should quit, think about this. i told you that the veterans kept telling me that it will get better. i feel like i heard that a hundred times. the truth is, I probably did hear it a hundred times. and I'm only three and a half weeks into my quit. but the amount of support you get on this site is commensurate to depth of your suffering. and each time I called out, i was answered. if that was a hundred times, so be it. it's almost hard to believe that it's true and i can't figure out why these guys do it. but they're here for you and you're nuts if you don't take advantage of it. you'll never find a better site, so dump your can in the shitter and get your sorry ass in here.

kd - i was having a real tough time around my third week as well and i was on here like i usually am especially when im having trouble, and i read a thread about how your 14th day for many often feels like you are right back to day 2. i never had this around my day 14, it was more like day 25, right about where you are now, and dude i was losing it i really felt like complete dog shit this may be what you are going through...

And don't sweat it, you WILL pull through, and I can personally tell you it does get better. You got this.

[cdforecheck]

Day 24 - I think I might feel better...
the late day sun is shining through my office window. it's quiet since most of my co-workers have left. i had a big day with a successful meeting with a very important partner. if i wasn't stayin' off the sauce, i'd say it's miller time.

for the first time since i quit, i see some evidence of truth to the statement that several veterans have repeatedly written on this thread. "hang tough", they'd say. "it will get better". it will get better, it will get better, it will get better. i remember saying this over and over to myself with my jaw set and that funky looking vein popping out of my forehead as I fought the craves and the funk and the fog...for the love of god, when is it going to get better?!?!?!

i can't remember if i've said this before, but i'm still shocked at how hard week three was for me. i never would have thought. this is a perfect example of why i wanted to document my quit. i know i'm a dumb fuck now, so it stands to reason that my future self will also be a dumb fuck. since i feel like i'm experiencing an uncharacteristic moment of clarity, i will make what i believe is a reasonable assumption...i will assume that my present self is moderately less of a dumb fuck than my future self. so i'm going to get a little preachy on my future self:

Dear Future Self:

Remember day 14? You felt great, like the hard part was behind you, like success was all but gauranteed. Then day 15 came at you like the wrath of God descending upon your sorry little head. You couldn't think, you snapped at everyone, you were useless at work (and I mean fucking useless), you ate disgustingly massive amounts of junk food, you were tormented by your miniscule attention span, you felt like there was nowhere to hide. You ran, you sweat, you shook, you prayed for the strength to get through these cravings. REMEMBER THESE THINGS YOU FUCKING MORON.

This feeling lasted for a solid nine days and I'm still shocked that you didn't cave because I know what a puss you can be. You can't do it again. You can't. Remember that when the voice in your head whispers to you that you can handle just one...for the love of god, don't listen to that voice.

Signed,
Your Slightly Less Idiotic Past Self

P.S. Stay quit you stupid fuck


and for any newbies out there trolling these boards trying to decide if they should quit, think about this. i told you that the veterans kept telling me that it will get better. i feel like i heard that a hundred times. the truth is, I probably did hear it a hundred times. and I'm only three and a half weeks into my quit. but the amount of support you get on this site is commensurate to depth of your suffering. and each time I called out, i was answered. if that was a hundred times, so be it. it's almost hard to believe that it's true and i can't figure out why these guys do it. but they're here for you and you're nuts if you don't take advantage of it. you'll never find a better site, so dump your can in the shitter and get your sorry ass in here.

good shit...

[kneedragger]

Day 24 - I think I might feel better...
the late day sun is shining through my office window. it's quiet since most of my co-workers have left. i had a big day with a successful meeting with a very important partner. if i wasn't stayin' off the sauce, i'd say it's miller time.

for the first time since i quit, i see some evidence of truth to the statement that several veterans have repeatedly written on this thread. "hang tough", they'd say. "it will get better". it will get better, it will get better, it will get better. i remember saying this over and over to myself with my jaw set and that funky looking vein popping out of my forehead as I fought the craves and the funk and the fog...for the love of god, when is it going to get better?!?!?!

i can't remember if i've said this before, but i'm still shocked at how hard week three was for me. i never would have thought. this is a perfect example of why i wanted to document my quit. i know i'm a dumb fuck now, so it stands to reason that my future self will also be a dumb fuck. since i feel like i'm experiencing an uncharacteristic moment of clarity, i will make what i believe is a reasonable assumption...i will assume that my present self is moderately less of a dumb fuck than my future self. so i'm going to get a little preachy on my future self:

Dear Future Self:

Remember day 14? You felt great, like the hard part was behind you, like success was all but gauranteed. Then day 15 came at you like the wrath of God descending upon your sorry little head. You couldn't think, you snapped at everyone, you were useless at work (and I mean fucking useless), you ate disgustingly massive amounts of junk food, you were tormented by your miniscule attention span, you felt like there was nowhere to hide. You ran, you sweat, you shook, you prayed for the strength to get through these cravings. REMEMBER THESE THINGS YOU FUCKING MORON.

This feeling lasted for a solid nine days and I'm still shocked that you didn't cave because I know what a puss you can be. You can't do it again. You can't. Remember that when the voice in your head whispers to you that you can handle just one...for the love of god, don't listen to that voice.

Signed,
Your Slightly Less Idiotic Past Self

P.S. Stay quit you stupid fuck


and for any newbies out there trolling these boards trying to decide if they should quit, think about this. i told you that the veterans kept telling me that it will get better. i feel like i heard that a hundred times. the truth is, I probably did hear it a hundred times. and I'm only three and a half weeks into my quit. but the amount of support you get on this site is commensurate to depth of your suffering. and each time I called out, i was answered. if that was a hundred times, so be it. it's almost hard to believe that it's true and i can't figure out why these guys do it. but they're here for you and you're nuts if you don't take advantage of it. you'll never find a better site, so dump your can in the shitter and get your sorry ass in here.

[Greg5280]

small victories
gotta take pride in 'em when you can.  not that anyone else cares, but i care.  because it means i can do this quit thing.  every day, chipping away at all the nic logic that had me convinced that there was so much I wouldn't be able to do without nicotine.  it helped me study/concentrate/focus/perservere...  how am i gonna handle all the really hard challenges in life...i don't need it for the day to day stuff, just when i have a big exam/presentation/budget review/performance review/essay to write/application to submit...  these are the cracks in the door, gentelmen.  and everyone on this site knows it.  you leave that crack for nicotine to get in and eventually you also convince yourself that you need it to mow the lawn/take out the trash/clean the bathroom/scratch your nuts, or any other mundane task you can think of.

well today was a big re-wiring experience for me.  an opportunity to teach myself that I can do it without my crutch.  i occassionally have to present to the heads of the firm i work for...they can be some pretty intimidating dudes.  i've presented to them quite a few times now, but my experience has made it only moderately less stressful.  as a private company, i'm literally spending these guy's money on the project i'm developing.  they tend to be unforgiving.

so my time slot today was late in the day...that really pisses me off.  get to spend the whole day thinking about it, stressin', sweatin', thinking about how I could just relax if I headed down to the bodega on 3rd ave - that dude always has my brand. 

I decided to stretch my legs and get some air.  I walked out of my office building and straight towards the park.  it's a pretty ritzy neighborhood by the park and i have literally never been able to find dip in this part of town...so some measure of safety.  as i walked on towards the park, I just focused on breathing slowly and relaxing.  trying to clear my head and think things through. 

It was all very zen at first, but then i got tired of that pretty quickly.  Then, I thought maybe i should stop being such a fuckin drama queen and just man up and convince myself that I can give a fuckin presentation without dip.  hell, i already wrote all the material for the presentation...didn't need dip for that...won't be able to dip during the presentation...really, no fuckin need for dip.  So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously.

so apperently, I grew a pair somewhere on Madison Ave near 58th St.  i came back to the office and ran through my schtick a couple of times, gave a kick ass presentation and proved to myself that there's one more thing i can do without the tin.

One day at a time gentlemen...one fuckin day at a time...

That is a great example. Every seemingly sticky situation or crave we beat back helps clear the overall BS addict logic out of the system. You did a great job of describing that process. I'm still going through the internal argument/reminder that dip doesn't make jackall easier. It's cool, though, because each time we beat back those misguided thoughts, it gets easier, more matter of fact.

This conclusion, awesome: "So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously."

Basically, I'm finding I can get to this conclusion much more quickly and easily, without all the hoopla, the further into my quit I get.

Nice work.

Man another great post. Thanks for the feed back!

I think you are really hitting the nail on the head. I used the "how can I do this without dip" argument to postpone my quit. How the nic gets deep in the cracks of our reality! We think we can't do anything without it. F the nic bitch!

I was serious about buying the book. I might hold off until my mind is completely wrapped around my quit. I have read the other two books.

Cheers!
James

Werd !!!

For me getting my mind right was HUGE to my quit. Sitting around bitching about it, or worrying how bad it will be without it will make this SOO much harder. Wake up each day and get pissed !! FUCK UST and all those poison selling fuckers. They are not happy that they hooked you, they also want your KIDS.

Get your mind right and this does become much easier to do !!

Keep rocking your quits... you are doing great !

[ALBYJAY]

small victories
gotta take pride in 'em when you can.  not that anyone else cares, but i care.  because it means i can do this quit thing.  every day, chipping away at all the nic logic that had me convinced that there was so much I wouldn't be able to do without nicotine.  it helped me study/concentrate/focus/perservere...  how am i gonna handle all the really hard challenges in life...i don't need it for the day to day stuff, just when i have a big exam/presentation/budget review/performance review/essay to write/application to submit...  these are the cracks in the door, gentelmen.  and everyone on this site knows it.  you leave that crack for nicotine to get in and eventually you also convince yourself that you need it to mow the lawn/take out the trash/clean the bathroom/scratch your nuts, or any other mundane task you can think of.

well today was a big re-wiring experience for me.  an opportunity to teach myself that I can do it without my crutch.  i occassionally have to present to the heads of the firm i work for...they can be some pretty intimidating dudes.  i've presented to them quite a few times now, but my experience has made it only moderately less stressful.  as a private company, i'm literally spending these guy's money on the project i'm developing.  they tend to be unforgiving.

so my time slot today was late in the day...that really pisses me off.  get to spend the whole day thinking about it, stressin', sweatin', thinking about how I could just relax if I headed down to the bodega on 3rd ave - that dude always has my brand. 

I decided to stretch my legs and get some air.  I walked out of my office building and straight towards the park.  it's a pretty ritzy neighborhood by the park and i have literally never been able to find dip in this part of town...so some measure of safety.  as i walked on towards the park, I just focused on breathing slowly and relaxing.  trying to clear my head and think things through. 

It was all very zen at first, but then i got tired of that pretty quickly.  Then, I thought maybe i should stop being such a fuckin drama queen and just man up and convince myself that I can give a fuckin presentation without dip.  hell, i already wrote all the material for the presentation...didn't need dip for that...won't be able to dip during the presentation...really, no fuckin need for dip.  So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously.

so apperently, I grew a pair somewhere on Madison Ave near 58th St.  i came back to the office and ran through my schtick a couple of times, gave a kick ass presentation and proved to myself that there's one more thing i can do without the tin.

One day at a time gentlemen...one fuckin day at a time...

That is a great example. Every seemingly sticky situation or crave we beat back helps clear the overall BS addict logic out of the system. You did a great job of describing that process. I'm still going through the internal argument/reminder that dip doesn't make jackall easier. It's cool, though, because each time we beat back those misguided thoughts, it gets easier, more matter of fact.

This conclusion, awesome: "So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously."

Basically, I'm finding I can get to this conclusion much more quickly and easily, without all the hoopla, the further into my quit I get.

Nice work.

Man another great post. Thanks for the feed back!

I think you are really hitting the nail on the head. I used the "how can I do this without dip" argument to postpone my quit. How the nic gets deep in the cracks of our reality! We think we can't do anything without it. F the nic bitch!

I was serious about buying the book. I might hold off until my mind is completely wrapped around my quit. I have read the other two books.

Cheers!
James

[superjet701]

kd,

I was reading your posts about your dreams, I am on day 38 and just as of last weekend I had my second dip dream, however in my dreams I dip, and I awake pissed off and really thinking I had a dip.

I really let myself down and I think that helps me with my quit, seems like my dreams are just giving me a little taste of reality to keep me on my toes. Make sense to ya? Hope so and good luck with the tricycles sounds interesting. keep your threads rolling i really enjoy reading them and they seem to help me as well.

superjet

[teamgreen]

small victories
gotta take pride in 'em when you can. not that anyone else cares, but i care. because it means i can do this quit thing. every day, chipping away at all the nic logic that had me convinced that there was so much I wouldn't be able to do without nicotine. it helped me study/concentrate/focus/perservere... how am i gonna handle all the really hard challenges in life...i don't need it for the day to day stuff, just when i have a big exam/presentation/budget review/performance review/essay to write/application to submit... these are the cracks in the door, gentelmen. and everyone on this site knows it. you leave that crack for nicotine to get in and eventually you also convince yourself that you need it to mow the lawn/take out the trash/clean the bathroom/scratch your nuts, or any other mundane task you can think of.

well today was a big re-wiring experience for me. an opportunity to teach myself that I can do it without my crutch. i occassionally have to present to the heads of the firm i work for...they can be some pretty intimidating dudes. i've presented to them quite a few times now, but my experience has made it only moderately less stressful. as a private company, i'm literally spending these guy's money on the project i'm developing. they tend to be unforgiving.

so my time slot today was late in the day...that really pisses me off. get to spend the whole day thinking about it, stressin', sweatin', thinking about how I could just relax if I headed down to the bodega on 3rd ave - that dude always has my brand.

I decided to stretch my legs and get some air. I walked out of my office building and straight towards the park. it's a pretty ritzy neighborhood by the park and i have literally never been able to find dip in this part of town...so some measure of safety. as i walked on towards the park, I just focused on breathing slowly and relaxing. trying to clear my head and think things through.

It was all very zen at first, but then i got tired of that pretty quickly. Then, I thought maybe i should stop being such a fuckin drama queen and just man up and convince myself that I can give a fuckin presentation without dip. hell, i already wrote all the material for the presentation...didn't need dip for that...won't be able to dip during the presentation...really, no fuckin need for dip. So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously.

so apperently, I grew a pair somewhere on Madison Ave near 58th St. i came back to the office and ran through my schtick a couple of times, gave a kick ass presentation and proved to myself that there's one more thing i can do without the tin.

One day at a time gentlemen...one fuckin day at a time...

That is a great example. Every seemingly sticky situation or crave we beat back helps clear the overall BS addict logic out of the system. You did a great job of describing that process. I'm still going through the internal argument/reminder that dip doesn't make jackall easier. It's cool, though, because each time we beat back those misguided thoughts, it gets easier, more matter of fact.

This conclusion, awesome: "So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously."

Basically, I'm finding I can get to this conclusion much more quickly and easily, without all the hoopla, the further into my quit I get.

Nice work.

[kneedragger]

small victories
gotta take pride in 'em when you can. not that anyone else cares, but i care. because it means i can do this quit thing. every day, chipping away at all the nic logic that had me convinced that there was so much I wouldn't be able to do without nicotine. it helped me study/concentrate/focus/perservere... how am i gonna handle all the really hard challenges in life...i don't need it for the day to day stuff, just when i have a big exam/presentation/budget review/performance review/essay to write/application to submit... these are the cracks in the door, gentelmen. and everyone on this site knows it. you leave that crack for nicotine to get in and eventually you also convince yourself that you need it to mow the lawn/take out the trash/clean the bathroom/scratch your nuts, or any other mundane task you can think of.

well today was a big re-wiring experience for me. an opportunity to teach myself that I can do it without my crutch. i occassionally have to present to the heads of the firm i work for...they can be some pretty intimidating dudes. i've presented to them quite a few times now, but my experience has made it only moderately less stressful. as a private company, i'm literally spending these guy's money on the project i'm developing. they tend to be unforgiving.

so my time slot today was late in the day...that really pisses me off. get to spend the whole day thinking about it, stressin', sweatin', thinking about how I could just relax if I headed down to the bodega on 3rd ave - that dude always has my brand.

I decided to stretch my legs and get some air. I walked out of my office building and straight towards the park. it's a pretty ritzy neighborhood by the park and i have literally never been able to find dip in this part of town...so some measure of safety. as i walked on towards the park, I just focused on breathing slowly and relaxing. trying to clear my head and think things through.

It was all very zen at first, but then i got tired of that pretty quickly. Then, I thought maybe i should stop being such a fuckin drama queen and just man up and convince myself that I can give a fuckin presentation without dip. hell, i already wrote all the material for the presentation...didn't need dip for that...won't be able to dip during the presentation...really, no fuckin need for dip. So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously.

so apperently, I grew a pair somewhere on Madison Ave near 58th St. i came back to the office and ran through my schtick a couple of times, gave a kick ass presentation and proved to myself that there's one more thing i can do without the tin.

One day at a time gentlemen...one fuckin day at a time...

[kneedragger]

Man I am on day 5 and shit I feel the same way. Your post is freaken wicked man. Now I have a book to buy this weekend.

Stay quit! Is the only option!

hey brother - if my math is right, you're hitting week one right about now. i guess congratulations are in order. i read your intro - looks like you and i have the rage in common. keep on writing that thread, man. i know one day the nic bitch is going to get in my head and try to convince me that all this quittin' wasn't actually that bad. i want this thread to come back to so I'll never forget how much this sucks. i recommend you do the same.

so I just hit three weeks. never thought that this would be the hardest part of my quit. but as i think back, i did have a lot of quits that failed at two weeks. maybe i'm just wired to be susceptible to that two week crave. anyway, thanks to this site, i knew it was coming and I conquered that fucker. there were a lot of things I didn't get done last week, but I did do the one thing that mattered. i stayed the fuck quit.

anyway, not sure if you were serious about picking up that faulkner book. it's a hell of an amazing book, but probably wouldn't recommend it during a quit. it would probably just piss you off. maybe try count of monte cristo - kick ass book about seriously diabolical revenge, or one of the great horror books - stoker's dracula is an amazing read.

See on the boards man - stay quit and don't hesitate to reach out if you need
anything..

[kneedragger]

i think i might be invisible.  or maybe i just keep saying stupid shit so nobody's listening...

did you say something...

You are being watched and looked after.

thanks, man. that's comforting. so you'll stop me before I do anything that will get me jail time, right?

just kidding. seriously, though, thanks for the post. nice to know you got my back, brother.

-KD