Where to begin?
Last night (July 31, 2013) was a complete fucking disaster. I fucked up.
With this chew I enslave myself
to a lifetime of addiction.
While I canÂ’t promise to always love you,
I do promise to obey every craving and
support my addiction to you
no matter how expensive you become.
I will let no husband or wife,
no family member or friend,
no doctor or any other health professional,
no employer or government policy,
no stench, no sore tongue or gums,
no cancer or heart attack or stroke,
no threat of loss of life or limbs,
come between us.
I will chew you forever
from this day forth,
for better or worse,
whether richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health,
till death do us part!
I give up my quit. Quitting is impossible and I cannot do it. I love dipping more than I love myself. I care about dipping more than I care about my personal health. I love dipping more than I love my family. I know this addiction will kill me, and I ACCEPT that fact. I enjoy spending time alone with my can more than I enjoy spending time with anyone else on the planet. I look forward to losing my jaw, my tongue, my throat, my life - it's worth it. When I am lying in my hospital bed fighting a losing battle against cancer I will feel a sense of satisfaction knowing that this is the path I CHOSE. My only regret will be that I didn't start dipping earlier in life. I will feel sorrow for my familyÂ’s heartbreak and suffer untold pain, but I know you must sacrifice for the things you truly love.
I know ALL the consequences of my actions and I accept them fully and without regret. I hereby choose to give my life to this addiction - I do so with a smile on face.
Signature: __DippinDave911___
Date: ___07/31/2013____
I had a rough night. I convinced myself that I would quit quitting. I regret not having this in my wallet. This isnt about regrets though.
______________________________________________________________
I was exhausted. The bitch came to me in my delusional thoughts. She begged me to come back to her. She promised she could make everything better. She could put everything back where it goes. All I had to do was dip one more time. One dip, and I could have my life back. Im weak. I let her in. Im a pussy. I couldnt say no to her.
I bought a can. I knew it was wrong, but I wanted it. She wanted it. And I made it so. I brought the can home. I set the can beside me and loaded up live chat. I needed help. I wanted help. But it was already to late. My Her mind was already made up. She broke me. I would cave. She would humiliate me in front of my brothers and sisters. She used me. Like she has for the past 7 years. She told my brothers and sisters what they wanted to hear. Tell them off. Appease them. She had already won.
I lied to you all. I lied on top of lies. I knew I was going to dip. I sat reading while you all thought I was flushing my poison. One of you saw through the ruse, but others still talked you out of the idea. Lies, Lies, Lies, Lies, LIES! I LIED TO YOU ALL!
I left chat. I stuck around the site a little longer. I looked at everything. Cancer pictures. Read stories of life and of death. Tried imagining myself looking like a ghoul or zombie. Tried to get this bitch out of my head. Tried. There is no trying. Only doing. I DID nothing. I accepted the bitch with open arms.
I fingered the can of poison for a while. Rolled it around in my hands. Weighed it against what I knew was the right thing to do. I thought about what I was about to do. About why I was going to do it. She convinced me everything was fine. This was the right thing to do. My life would be better. She said I would sleep. She said I would feel better physically. Emotionally. She promised me.
I broke the seal. I popped the lid. I went knuckle deep. I pinched. I felt a rush of pure ecstasy. Something I hadnt felt for years, even while active. I felt alive. I felt...guilt.
I betrayed myself. I betrayed you. My brothers and sisters in this fight. I had caved, after only five days. Five days. Five weeks. Five months. Five years. One day without this poison is truly freedom. And I caved. I am a pussy. I am weak.
And She lied to me. She said I would sleep. I stayed awake all night staring at roll call. My name wasnt on the list. It couldnt be on the list. I was weak. I caved. Cavers dont get to be on the list. My body ached. My head was pounding. She said everything would be fine, but She lied to me. Like she has been for the past 7 years. And I believed her.
I lied to you all. I made friends under false pretenses. You would all go to hell and back for me. You all opened your hearts to me. You answered my cry for help. And I shit on you. I lied to you. I probably lost a trust that I will never regain in my lifetime. I called you brother. I called you sister. You were my friends. I do not hold any hopes that any of you will ever talk to me again. I have lost my support. And it is no ones fault but my own.
I want to apologize to each and every one of you. I am sorry that I lied to you. I am sorry that I am weak. I am sorry that I am a pussy. I am sorry for wasting your time. I am sorry.
Im not asking for forgiveness. Im not asking for reassurance. Yell at me. Call me names. Hate me. I am a traitor. I am weak and I allowed the Bitch to control me. Give it to me. Dont hold back. Come on, make me feel weaker. Insignificant. Make me just a number. Make me feel more guilty than I already do. PISS ME OFF!
One day at a time.
Im not going to try this time. Im not going to hope this time. No. This time im going to DO.
One day at a time this Bitch is going to have less and less of a grasp on me.
One day at a time I am going to fight to earn back the trust that was shattered by a moment of weakness.
One day at a time I am going to thank each and every one of you for believing in me.
One day at a time I am going to kick this addiction.
One day at a time I am going to pay it forward. All I've known for the past 7 years is take, take and more take. You have all helped me when I needed it. I am going to pay it forward, making myself stronger in the process.
One day at a time.
I may be a pussy. I may be weak. I may be an asshole. I may be a liar. I may be an addict. I may be lots of things. I am lots of things. But I am also a quitter.
I am a quitter. And I intend to stay quit. The past is behind me. I can only move on from here. I cannot and will not look back. What happened in the past is just that. The past. I am looking forward. To a bright, poison free future. Standing proud next to my brothers and sisters. I like what I see. I am proud. I want that.
One day at a time. I am quit.
