Me Briefly

[EXBEARHAG]

Day 193

Status quo I guess.  Don't feel as though much has changed over the last couple weeks.  Still having lots of cravings.  Almost everything is still a trigger.  I feel as though I'm in a constant funk...the void seems large and deep most of the time.  Still don't feel like myself.

But, I'm STILL quit.  ODAAT!

[Keith0617]

DAY 179

I've been in some kind of funk for the past several days...culminating with me staring at the Kodiak rack for about a minute this morning while grabbing stuff for a 24hr shift.  All I could think of is that all I have to do is mouth the words, "Can of Kodiak Please".  It would all be over.  Sure, I'd have to explain why I caved to my wife...but I've had to do that before.  In fact, she probably expects me to cave at this point.  (HOW SAD!)

Then I remembered that I made a promise this morning.  That was the end of that.  I may not have bought that can either way but it was out of the question once I remembered about posting roll.  Without KTC, I think I would have actually mouthed those words.  Why not?  I could stop again...later. Just put it off a little longer.  An addict can rationalize ANYTHING.

As I was driving to work, I realized something.  For the first time in 179 days, I did not think about having a dip right when I opened my eyes this morning.  I got out of bed, went downstairs to stuff the stove with wood, brushed my teeth, WUPPed, and got into the shower.  It wasn't until I was in the shower that I thought about having a dip.  This was a win however.  For the previous 178 mornings, dip was the first thing I thought about, literally seconds after waking up.

My point: I'm still on the roller coaster.  I'm going to have many more bad days ahead.  BUT...it's getting better.  My triggers are lessening and the cravings decreasing in severity...I MADE IT 7-10 MINUTES THIS MORNING BEFORE I THOUGHT OF HAVING A DIP!!!  I'll take the win.  I can quit for the rest of today.  I can hold the line today.  I will worry about tomorrow....tomorrow.

PTBQWYT my friends.

Your words are so strengthening to me...I don’t know how many times they’ve just been spot on - you are some honest badass and I sure appreciate you. I will be holdin’ that line beside you EDD!

You absolutely have this Hag! The nic bitch has never done anything good for you. Keep flipping the bird her way, and keep honoring your daily promise. As the great Clark W. Griswald said, ahhhh nahh, we're all in this together!

@EXBEARHAG you have this. You are so close to the point where the good dominates the bad. Keep using your tools. Talk to some fellow quitters. Focus on ODAAT. PM me if I can help.

[Bug Guy]

DAY 179

I've been in some kind of funk for the past several days...culminating with me staring at the Kodiak rack for about a minute this morning while grabbing stuff for a 24hr shift.  All I could think of is that all I have to do is mouth the words, "Can of Kodiak Please".  It would all be over.  Sure, I'd have to explain why I caved to my wife...but I've had to do that before.  In fact, she probably expects me to cave at this point.  (HOW SAD!)

Then I remembered that I made a promise this morning.  That was the end of that.  I may not have bought that can either way but it was out of the question once I remembered about posting roll.  Without KTC, I think I would have actually mouthed those words.  Why not?  I could stop again...later. Just put it off a little longer.  An addict can rationalize ANYTHING.

As I was driving to work, I realized something.  For the first time in 179 days, I did not think about having a dip right when I opened my eyes this morning.  I got out of bed, went downstairs to stuff the stove with wood, brushed my teeth, WUPPed, and got into the shower.  It wasn't until I was in the shower that I thought about having a dip.  This was a win however.  For the previous 178 mornings, dip was the first thing I thought about, literally seconds after waking up.

My point: I'm still on the roller coaster.  I'm going to have many more bad days ahead.  BUT...it's getting better.  My triggers are lessening and the cravings decreasing in severity...I MADE IT 7-10 MINUTES THIS MORNING BEFORE I THOUGHT OF HAVING A DIP!!!  I'll take the win.  I can quit for the rest of today.  I can hold the line today.  I will worry about tomorrow....tomorrow.

PTBQWYT my friends.

Your words are so strengthening to me...I don’t know how many times they’ve just been spot on - you are some honest badass and I sure appreciate you. I will be holdin’ that line beside you EDD!

You absolutely have this Hag! The nic bitch has never done anything good for you. Keep flipping the bird her way, and keep honoring your daily promise. As the great Clark W. Griswald said, ahhhh nahh, we're all in this together!

[ankape]

DAY 179

I've been in some kind of funk for the past several days...culminating with me staring at the Kodiak rack for about a minute this morning while grabbing stuff for a 24hr shift.  All I could think of is that all I have to do is mouth the words, "Can of Kodiak Please".  It would all be over.  Sure, I'd have to explain why I caved to my wife...but I've had to do that before.  In fact, she probably expects me to cave at this point.  (HOW SAD!)

Then I remembered that I made a promise this morning.  That was the end of that.  I may not have bought that can either way but it was out of the question once I remembered about posting roll.  Without KTC, I think I would have actually mouthed those words.  Why not?  I could stop again...later. Just put it off a little longer.  An addict can rationalize ANYTHING.

As I was driving to work, I realized something.  For the first time in 179 days, I did not think about having a dip right when I opened my eyes this morning.  I got out of bed, went downstairs to stuff the stove with wood, brushed my teeth, WUPPed, and got into the shower.  It wasn't until I was in the shower that I thought about having a dip.  This was a win however.  For the previous 178 mornings, dip was the first thing I thought about, literally seconds after waking up.

My point: I'm still on the roller coaster.  I'm going to have many more bad days ahead.  BUT...it's getting better.  My triggers are lessening and the cravings decreasing in severity...I MADE IT 7-10 MINUTES THIS MORNING BEFORE I THOUGHT OF HAVING A DIP!!!  I'll take the win.  I can quit for the rest of today.  I can hold the line today.  I will worry about tomorrow....tomorrow.

PTBQWYT my friends.

Your words are so strengthening to me...I don’t know how many times they’ve just been spot on - you are some honest badass and I sure appreciate you. I will be holdin’ that line beside you EDD!

[EXBEARHAG]

DAY 179

I've been in some kind of funk for the past several days...culminating with me staring at the Kodiak rack for about a minute this morning while grabbing stuff for a 24hr shift.  All I could think of is that all I have to do is mouth the words, "Can of Kodiak Please".  It would all be over.  Sure, I'd have to explain why I caved to my wife...but I've had to do that before.  In fact, she probably expects me to cave at this point.  (HOW SAD!)

Then I remembered that I made a promise this morning.  That was the end of that.  I may not have bought that can either way but it was out of the question once I remembered about posting roll.  Without KTC, I think I would have actually mouthed those words.  Why not?  I could stop again...later. Just put it off a little longer.  An addict can rationalize ANYTHING.

As I was driving to work, I realized something.  For the first time in 179 days, I did not think about having a dip right when I opened my eyes this morning.  I got out of bed, went downstairs to stuff the stove with wood, brushed my teeth, WUPPed, and got into the shower.  It wasn't until I was in the shower that I thought about having a dip.  This was a win however.  For the previous 178 mornings, dip was the first thing I thought about, literally seconds after waking up.

My point: I'm still on the roller coaster.  I'm going to have many more bad days ahead.  BUT...it's getting better.  My triggers are lessening and the cravings decreasing in severity...I MADE IT 7-10 MINUTES THIS MORNING BEFORE I THOUGHT OF HAVING A DIP!!!  I'll take the win.  I can quit for the rest of today.  I can hold the line today.  I will worry about tomorrow....tomorrow.

PTBQWYT my friends.

[Athan]

Day 170

My heart just sank as I recalled how I've felt on many previous New Year's Days.  Guilt, shame, angst if I wasn't attempting to stop.  Terror, frustration if I did stop...knowing my heart wasn't really in it.  I would just fail.  Why try?  Why put myself through it.  Why put everyone else in my life through it?

I'm incredibly grateful not to feel that this year.  I'm still struggling here and there but my heart feels a bit lighter.  I feel a bit more at peace.  I'm grateful for all of you for holding me to the promise I make every morning.  I can do another day.  I can not put that shit in my body for one more day.  Anyone can do just about anything for one day.  Each day gets a little easier.  I can hold the line for one more day.  I can persevere with help of my brothers and sisters.

QLF

I was surrounded by good ol boys packing it in all night.  Even two years into it I called someone and made a verbal promise. Helped us both out. Good job staying clean.

[EXBEARHAG]

Day 170

My heart just sank as I recalled how I've felt on many previous New Year's Days.  Guilt, shame, angst if I wasn't attempting to stop.  Terror, frustration if I did stop...knowing my heart wasn't really in it.  I would just fail.  Why try?  Why put myself through it.  Why put everyone else in my life through it?

I'm incredibly grateful not to feel that this year.  I'm still struggling here and there but my heart feels a bit lighter.  I feel a bit more at peace.  I'm grateful for all of you for holding me to the promise I make every morning.  I can do another day.  I can not put that shit in my body for one more day.  Anyone can do just about anything for one day.  Each day gets a little easier.  I can hold the line for one more day.  I can persevere with help of my brothers and sisters.

QLF

[Keith0617]

Day 163

I'm not sure that I'll ever get used to working holidays.  I certainly did not want to leave my family this morning.  It has crossed my mind a couple times today to mail it in.  Throw the whole thing in the shitter and reward myself with a Christmas cave.  However, I'm lucid enough now to know that that moist wedge is no reward.  It's a curse!  I've worked way to hard to move backwards.  I can go without for the rest of the day.  MOST importantly, I made my promise this morning to my brothers and sisters here at KTC.  My word is my bond. 

I choose to be quit today.  I'm grateful for my new found freedom and for the relationships I've made here at KTC.  I can quit for today.

Merry Christmas folks.  Hold the line.

VPTBQWYT my friends

Rock on brother.

[EXBEARHAG]

Day 163

I'm not sure that I'll ever get used to working holidays.  I certainly did not want to leave my family this morning.  It has crossed my mind a couple times today to mail it in.  Throw the whole thing in the shitter and reward myself with a Christmas cave.  However, I'm lucid enough now to know that that moist wedge is no reward.  It's a curse!  I've worked way to hard to move backwards.  I can go without for the rest of the day.  MOST importantly, I made my promise this morning to my brothers and sisters here at KTC.  My word is my bond. 

I choose to be quit today.  I'm grateful for my new found freedom and for the relationships I've made here at KTC.  I can quit for today.

Merry Christmas folks.  Hold the line.

VPTBQWYT my friends

[oldschool]

Day 161

I noticed at some point last night that I had gone a couple hours without thinking about the can.  It's the first time in 161 days that I can remember putting a couple hours together without a trigger or craving.  I've listened to several vets over the past several months who claim "it will get better".  I was skeptical, to say the least, from time to time.  I've got a long way to go.  The other several hours I was awake yesterday were full of cravings, triggers, and even some anxiety.  But...is that a dim light...at the end of that very long tunnel?  I will do my best to stay the course to find out.  Hold the line folks. 

PTBQWYT my friends.

~HAG

Patience brother. It does get waaayyyyyyyyy better. Keep feed your quit day by day and before you know it that light starts getting bigger and closer. You can do this.

But you’ve come such a long way too brother- don’t forget that! YES, “stay in the black” and hold the line!
PTQWY
~ankape 60

@EXBEARHAG, I need to ask one question:  When you were dipping how often did you think about when it was time to put a fresh one in?

If you were like me, I thought about it every hour at least.  What makes quitting any different?  It does get better - it really does.  But, everyone is different.  Everyone has a different timetable.  Someone can be rolling along letting the quit days just click along, then BAM, a funk hits for no reason.  It's part of the process.  I know it can be depressing.  I know it can feel demoralizing.  I know you can question your resolve to stay quit.  That is why we quit One Day At A Time.  That is why we quit every hour, so we can keep our promise to stay quit.

How many people have you seen since you've been on KTC that has posted a day one after being quit for a long time?  I see it every month.  I quit for five years, then started dipping again.  We are addicts.  Nicotine will never let us forget.  It will always be in our subconscious, lurking, waiting, for a weak moment.  Embrace the triggers.  Prepare for the craves.  Overcome.

Today is 442 for me.  I still have craves.  I still have anxiety.  Thankfully, it has gotten better.  My craves are not as often.  My craves are not as intense.  My anxiety now comes in waves.  The time in between bouts becomes longer.  Does it suck that I still have craves?  Yes.  does it suck that I still have anxiety?  Yes.  But I am free!  That is awesome!  The good times are better.  the good times are longer.  I am free.

Proud to quit with you Hag.  Reach out anytime.

Only the strong can quit.  There is strength in numbers.  Be strong with me.

[ankape]

Day 161

I noticed at some point last night that I had gone a couple hours without thinking about the can.  It's the first time in 161 days that I can remember putting a couple hours together without a trigger or craving.  I've listened to several vets over the past several months who claim "it will get better".  I was skeptical, to say the least, from time to time.  I've got a long way to go.  The other several hours I was awake yesterday were full of cravings, triggers, and even some anxiety.  But...is that a dim light...at the end of that very long tunnel?  I will do my best to stay the course to find out.  Hold the line folks. 

PTBQWYT my friends.

~HAG

Patience brother. It does get waaayyyyyyyyy better. Keep feed your quit day by day and before you know it that light starts getting bigger and closer. You can do this.

But you’ve come such a long way too brother- don’t forget that! YES, “stay in the black” and hold the line!
PTQWY
~ankape 60

[Keith0617]

Day 161

I noticed at some point last night that I had gone a couple hours without thinking about the can.  It's the first time in 161 days that I can remember putting a couple hours together without a trigger or craving.  I've listened to several vets over the past several months who claim "it will get better".  I was skeptical, to say the least, from time to time.  I've got a long way to go.  The other several hours I was awake yesterday were full of cravings, triggers, and even some anxiety.  But...is that a dim light...at the end of that very long tunnel?  I will do my best to stay the course to find out.  Hold the line folks. 

PTBQWYT my friends.

~HAG

Patience brother. It does get waaayyyyyyyyy better. Keep feed your quit day by day and before you know it that light starts getting bigger and closer. You can do this.

[EXBEARHAG]

Day 161

I noticed at some point last night that I had gone a couple hours without thinking about the can.  It's the first time in 161 days that I can remember putting a couple hours together without a trigger or craving.  I've listened to several vets over the past several months who claim "it will get better".  I was skeptical, to say the least, from time to time.  I've got a long way to go.  The other several hours I was awake yesterday were full of cravings, triggers, and even some anxiety.  But...is that a dim light...at the end of that very long tunnel?  I will do my best to stay the course to find out.  Hold the line folks. 

PTBQWYT my friends.

~HAG

[EXBEARHAG]

Day 153

Status quo...Holding the line.

What blows my mind is the hold this addiction has over me.  153 days, not earth shattering but a small chunk of time.  I can't believe how hard this addiction is fighting.  Still getting multiple craves an hour...sometimes multiple cravings in a minute depending on what I'm doing.  The duration and intensity of these craves are lessening but they are still there...persistent, ever present.

Anxiety still a couple times a week.  Usually happens on the mornings I have to go into work, like this morning.  Wake up 2 hours before my alarm rings in a cold sweat, heart racing.  That's fun.

I love that I have not been dependent for almost 22 weeks.  I love how good my face feels.  I love that I'm setting a better example for my kids.

I hate that I still crave the stuff.  I hate that I feel like everything would be better if I just cave even though I know that not to be true.  I'm embarrassed that I still feel this way...that I can't be 100% happy and satisfied with my quit.  I'm embarrassed that I can't just get on with it, embrace my new normal, stop obsessing for long enough to feel proud of what I've accomplished.  In time I guess...

One thing is certain...I wouldn't be here without KTC.  If I did not post my promise every morning, I think I would have jumped ship by now.  Having just one is possible if no one is holding you accountable and we all know where just one leads to. 

OMAAT
PTBQWYT my friends

[BaylorGrad19]

Day 147

I feel like I may have turned a corner a bit since Saturday.  Funny how quickly things change.  I read traumagnet's thread from beginning to end saturday night and it had a significant effect on me.  Brought back vivid memories from before I quit...me imagining having to tell my kids that I'm sick, why I'm sick, and that my selfishness could leave them fatherless.  Sometimes I guess it's hard to see through the suck back to how we felt before it.  I have had a calmness about me the last couple days.  An acceptance of what I've endeavored. 

I'm distinctly aware that this is fleeting...temporary.  I know the bitch is just recovering, storing energy, waiting for the next opportunity to swing away again.  However, I feel like I may be better prepared for that right hook now.  We'll see.  All I can do is protect the head and wait for the next opportunity to counter.  Either way, I've enjoyed the short period of relative peace.  Craves are there...triggers are there.  It's just a little easier to flip them off and move on.  Here's to progress at a turtle's pace.  I'll take it.

PTBQWYAT my friends.

Awesome update. Thank you for sharing, we get better one day at a time and before you know it, we’ve put together a ton of days. I think you’re right that the nic bitch will always be lurking, but maybe one day it’ll just go away quietly. Until then, we carry on the struggle