Me Briefly

[olcpo]

Day 299

I haven't posted here for awhile mostly because things have been largely status quo...with a couple exceptions:

The cold sweats and anxiety that were quite frequent early in my quit have mostly gone away; with the exception of once a week...most weeks.  I work two 24hr shifts a week plus overtime (which has mostly gone away since the pandemic).  This schedule means I have 5 days off in a row, every week.  On the morning of my first day of work, I'm still waking up at 4am (2 hrs before my alarm goes off)...cold sweats and a racing heart.  This obviously has to do with the stress I'm about to walk into but I do not feel particularly more stressed on these days.  I'm not a new employee; I've been doing this for ~16 years and am quite confident and comfortable in my role.  Yet, since my first day quit in July until now, I wake up in this condition.

The good news is that, at the beginning, this was a common occurrence most mornings and, as my quit matured, it settled down to only on the days I had to go into the station.  Somewhere in the last several weeks, it's limited itself to just on the morning of my first day.  Hoping that if I hold the line for long enough, this too will pass. 

Cravings are STILL a major battle.  I wonder if I'm unique in the fact that, at nearly 300 days quit, I still have multiple triggers and cravings an hour, throughout the day.  Like most here, I used nicotine for EVERY situation.  When my brain changes gear and I'm on to a different project or train of thought, my first thought is still to stuff my lip.  These many cravings used to crush me in the early days.  I'd often have to stop what I was doing and, teeth clenched and white knuckled, fight through the crave.  Although some of these cravings are tough to work through, at this point most are easily cursed and pushed aside. But they are still there and are a constant reminder of, according to my brain and dopamine receptors, a "better" time.  Anyone else with similar days having a similar experience?  Vets- did you go through this?

Overall, the more space and time I put between my last pinch and the present, the better I feel and the easier this gets.  However, I'm keenly aware that without this place, without the accountability and the connections I've made with fellow quitters, I'd be back to a can a day and feeling like a fraud and a terrible role model for my kids.  For this, I owe KTC and the larger KTC community a huge debt of gratitude.  That being said, I"M AN ADDICT.  I'm one spur of the moment bad decision away from a new day 1 or worse.  I think I'll stick around and post roll for awhile longer.  Thanks to everyone who has supported me and my crew over the last ~300 days. 

Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my honorable brothers and sisters in quit!!

~HAG

@EXBEARHAG
Keep doing what you are doing ODAAT. The light at the end of the tunnel will keep getting brighter and brighter. I can tell you things at 583 days are much better than 300. Just keep plowing ahead and enjoy the freedom. Reach out if I can help.

Thanks for sharing, HAG. The fight continues, it helps to know what is ahead. We are all stronger for your battle. Proud to Quit You!
~Olcpo

[Keith0617]

Day 299

I haven't posted here for awhile mostly because things have been largely status quo...with a couple exceptions:

The cold sweats and anxiety that were quite frequent early in my quit have mostly gone away; with the exception of once a week...most weeks.  I work two 24hr shifts a week plus overtime (which has mostly gone away since the pandemic).  This schedule means I have 5 days off in a row, every week.  On the morning of my first day of work, I'm still waking up at 4am (2 hrs before my alarm goes off)...cold sweats and a racing heart.  This obviously has to do with the stress I'm about to walk into but I do not feel particularly more stressed on these days.  I'm not a new employee; I've been doing this for ~16 years and am quite confident and comfortable in my role.  Yet, since my first day quit in July until now, I wake up in this condition.

The good news is that, at the beginning, this was a common occurrence most mornings and, as my quit matured, it settled down to only on the days I had to go into the station.  Somewhere in the last several weeks, it's limited itself to just on the morning of my first day.  Hoping that if I hold the line for long enough, this too will pass. 

Cravings are STILL a major battle.  I wonder if I'm unique in the fact that, at nearly 300 days quit, I still have multiple triggers and cravings an hour, throughout the day.  Like most here, I used nicotine for EVERY situation.  When my brain changes gear and I'm on to a different project or train of thought, my first thought is still to stuff my lip.  These many cravings used to crush me in the early days.  I'd often have to stop what I was doing and, teeth clenched and white knuckled, fight through the crave.  Although some of these cravings are tough to work through, at this point most are easily cursed and pushed aside. But they are still there and are a constant reminder of, according to my brain and dopamine receptors, a "better" time.  Anyone else with similar days having a similar experience?  Vets- did you go through this?

Overall, the more space and time I put between my last pinch and the present, the better I feel and the easier this gets.  However, I'm keenly aware that without this place, without the accountability and the connections I've made with fellow quitters, I'd be back to a can a day and feeling like a fraud and a terrible role model for my kids.  For this, I owe KTC and the larger KTC community a huge debt of gratitude.  That being said, I"M AN ADDICT.  I'm one spur of the moment bad decision away from a new day 1 or worse.  I think I'll stick around and post roll for awhile longer.  Thanks to everyone who has supported me and my crew over the last ~300 days. 

Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my honorable brothers and sisters in quit!!

~HAG

@EXBEARHAG
Keep doing what you are doing ODAAT. The light at the end of the tunnel will keep getting brighter and brighter. I can tell you things at 583 days are much better than 300. Just keep plowing ahead and enjoy the freedom. Reach out if I can help.

[EXBEARHAG]

Day 299

I haven't posted here for awhile mostly because things have been largely status quo...with a couple exceptions:

The cold sweats and anxiety that were quite frequent early in my quit have mostly gone away; with the exception of once a week...most weeks.  I work two 24hr shifts a week plus overtime (which has mostly gone away since the pandemic).  This schedule means I have 5 days off in a row, every week.  On the morning of my first day of work, I'm still waking up at 4am (2 hrs before my alarm goes off)...cold sweats and a racing heart.  This obviously has to do with the stress I'm about to walk into but I do not feel particularly more stressed on these days.  I'm not a new employee; I've been doing this for ~16 years and am quite confident and comfortable in my role.  Yet, since my first day quit in July until now, I wake up in this condition.

The good news is that, at the beginning, this was a common occurrence most mornings and, as my quit matured, it settled down to only on the days I had to go into the station.  Somewhere in the last several weeks, it's limited itself to just on the morning of my first day.  Hoping that if I hold the line for long enough, this too will pass. 

Cravings are STILL a major battle.  I wonder if I'm unique in the fact that, at nearly 300 days quit, I still have multiple triggers and cravings an hour, throughout the day.  Like most here, I used nicotine for EVERY situation.  When my brain changes gear and I'm on to a different project or train of thought, my first thought is still to stuff my lip.  These many cravings used to crush me in the early days.  I'd often have to stop what I was doing and, teeth clenched and white knuckled, fight through the crave.  Although some of these cravings are tough to work through, at this point most are easily cursed and pushed aside. But they are still there and are a constant reminder of, according to my brain and dopamine receptors, a "better" time.  Anyone else with similar days having a similar experience?  Vets- did you go through this?

Overall, the more space and time I put between my last pinch and the present, the better I feel and the easier this gets.  However, I'm keenly aware that without this place, without the accountability and the connections I've made with fellow quitters, I'd be back to a can a day and feeling like a fraud and a terrible role model for my kids.  For this, I owe KTC and the larger KTC community a huge debt of gratitude.  That being said, I"M AN ADDICT.  I'm one spur of the moment bad decision away from a new day 1 or worse.  I think I'll stick around and post roll for awhile longer.  Thanks to everyone who has supported me and my crew over the last ~300 days. 

Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my honorable brothers and sisters in quit!!

~HAG

[Keith0617]

DAY 267

Had one of those "F' IT" craves yesterday.  You know the kind.  "F' IT!  I'm done quitting.  I'm on my way to the F'ing store!"

It came out of nowhere.  I've actually been feeling pretty good.  Wasn't particularly stressed or overwhelmed.  No anxiety nor depression.  At this point in MY quit, I crave pretty consistently but they are weak ass bitches and I can laugh most of them away toot sweet.  But the nic bitch persists.  She lurks but does not engage.  She is storing her energy...planning her next attack.  She has been beaten down in the short term.  The frequency and strength of her taunts have diminished.  BUT...she lives for another day and concentrates her attack into one massive blow. 

I was on my way yesterday.  I have been there before.  "F' IT!  I've proven I can do this.  When the shit clears, I'll quit for good."  Got that tingle all over my body when my brain had convinced all my synapses to get ready...that blast of nicotine you've been waiting for is only minutes away!  I could feel that initial blast of dopamine. 

What stopped me?  I MADE MY PROMISE!!!  EVERY time I said "F' IT" in the past, I've caved.  This was a hell of a crave...first class shit.  But I could not go back on my word.  I could not disrespect the people who have sacrificed for me countless times over the past ~8 months.  These are people I've never met face to face...yet I know, with NO hesitation, that they care about me and my journey. 

This monster crave was gone minutes later and I went on with my day.  I had my phone out, with KTC contacts at the ready, but I didn't need that tool this time.  For those lurkers...if you're reading this, you've probably had an "F' IT" cave in the past.  If you want to quit and fight through that "F' IT" crave, join KTC and post roll NOW.  No doubt in my mind, it's your best chance at success.

Hold that line folks.

~HAG

Dang man. I know exactly what you are talking about. Those F it craves are intense. I have had times where I was driving down the road screaming as loud as I could because there was a battle going on inside of me. I was headed to the gas station, then made a U turn, then another U turn, and again and again. You almost lose control for a time.  BUT, like you said, You posted roll today. Caving is not an option. You can’t break your promise. There have been days where that is the reason I stayed quit.  You can call me or text me anytime you need.  I am proud of you brother and holding that line with you.

HAhaha.  I've done the multiple turn around...sit for ever in the parking lot, thing in the past as well.

Thanks for the support Red.  Right back at ya.  PTBQWYT my friend.

Great win brother. You know you have people here that care about you. Reach out as needed.

[EXBEARHAG]

DAY 267

Had one of those "F' IT" craves yesterday.  You know the kind.  "F' IT!  I'm done quitting.  I'm on my way to the F'ing store!"

It came out of nowhere.  I've actually been feeling pretty good.  Wasn't particularly stressed or overwhelmed.  No anxiety nor depression.  At this point in MY quit, I crave pretty consistently but they are weak ass bitches and I can laugh most of them away toot sweet.  But the nic bitch persists.  She lurks but does not engage.  She is storing her energy...planning her next attack.  She has been beaten down in the short term.  The frequency and strength of her taunts have diminished.  BUT...she lives for another day and concentrates her attack into one massive blow. 

I was on my way yesterday.  I have been there before.  "F' IT!  I've proven I can do this.  When the shit clears, I'll quit for good."  Got that tingle all over my body when my brain had convinced all my synapses to get ready...that blast of nicotine you've been waiting for is only minutes away!  I could feel that initial blast of dopamine. 

What stopped me?  I MADE MY PROMISE!!!  EVERY time I said "F' IT" in the past, I've caved.  This was a hell of a crave...first class shit.  But I could not go back on my word.  I could not disrespect the people who have sacrificed for me countless times over the past ~8 months.  These are people I've never met face to face...yet I know, with NO hesitation, that they care about me and my journey. 

This monster crave was gone minutes later and I went on with my day.  I had my phone out, with KTC contacts at the ready, but I didn't need that tool this time.  For those lurkers...if you're reading this, you've probably had an "F' IT" cave in the past.  If you want to quit and fight through that "F' IT" crave, join KTC and post roll NOW.  No doubt in my mind, it's your best chance at success.

Hold that line folks.

~HAG

Dang man. I know exactly what you are talking about. Those F it craves are intense. I have had times where I was driving down the road screaming as loud as I could because there was a battle going on inside of me. I was headed to the gas station, then made a U turn, then another U turn, and again and again. You almost lose control for a time.  BUT, like you said, You posted roll today. Caving is not an option. You can’t break your promise. There have been days where that is the reason I stayed quit.  You can call me or text me anytime you need.  I am proud of you brother and holding that line with you.

HAhaha.  I've done the multiple turn around...sit for ever in the parking lot, thing in the past as well.

Thanks for the support Red.  Right back at ya.  PTBQWYT my friend.

[Redwood]

DAY 267

Had one of those "F' IT" craves yesterday.  You know the kind.  "F' IT!  I'm done quitting.  I'm on my way to the F'ing store!"

It came out of nowhere.  I've actually been feeling pretty good.  Wasn't particularly stressed or overwhelmed.  No anxiety nor depression.  At this point in MY quit, I crave pretty consistently but they are weak ass bitches and I can laugh most of them away toot sweet.  But the nic bitch persists.  She lurks but does not engage.  She is storing her energy...planning her next attack.  She has been beaten down in the short term.  The frequency and strength of her taunts have diminished.  BUT...she lives for another day and concentrates her attack into one massive blow. 

I was on my way yesterday.  I have been there before.  "F' IT!  I've proven I can do this.  When the shit clears, I'll quit for good."  Got that tingle all over my body when my brain had convinced all my synapses to get ready...that blast of nicotine you've been waiting for is only minutes away!  I could feel that initial blast of dopamine. 

What stopped me?  I MADE MY PROMISE!!!  EVERY time I said "F' IT" in the past, I've caved.  This was a hell of a crave...first class shit.  But I could not go back on my word.  I could not disrespect the people who have sacrificed for me countless times over the past ~8 months.  These are people I've never met face to face...yet I know, with NO hesitation, that they care about me and my journey. 

This monster crave was gone minutes later and I went on with my day.  I had my phone out, with KTC contacts at the ready, but I didn't need that tool this time.  For those lurkers...if you're reading this, you've probably had an "F' IT" cave in the past.  If you want to quit and fight through that "F' IT" crave, join KTC and post roll NOW.  No doubt in my mind, it's your best chance at success.

Hold that line folks.

~HAG

Dang man. I know exactly what you are talking about. Those F it craves are intense. I have had times where I was driving down the road screaming as loud as I could because there was a battle going on inside of me. I was headed to the gas station, then made a U turn, then another U turn, and again and again. You almost lose control for a time.  BUT, like you said, You posted roll today. Caving is not an option. You can’t break your promise. There have been days where that is the reason I stayed quit.  You can call me or text me anytime you need.  I am proud of you brother and holding that line with you.

[EXBEARHAG]

DAY 267

Had one of those "F' IT" craves yesterday.  You know the kind.  "F' IT!  I'm done quitting.  I'm on my way to the F'ing store!"

It came out of nowhere.  I've actually been feeling pretty good.  Wasn't particularly stressed or overwhelmed.  No anxiety nor depression.  At this point in MY quit, I crave pretty consistently but they are weak ass bitches and I can laugh most of them away toot sweet.  But the nic bitch persists.  She lurks but does not engage.  She is storing her energy...planning her next attack.  She has been beaten down in the short term.  The frequency and strength of her taunts have diminished.  BUT...she lives for another day and concentrates her attack into one massive blow. 

I was on my way yesterday.  I have been there before.  "F' IT!  I've proven I can do this.  When the shit clears, I'll quit for good."  Got that tingle all over my body when my brain had convinced all my synapses to get ready...that blast of nicotine you've been waiting for is only minutes away!  I could feel that initial blast of dopamine. 

What stopped me?  I MADE MY PROMISE!!!  EVERY time I said "F' IT" in the past, I've caved.  This was a hell of a crave...first class shit.  But I could not go back on my word.  I could not disrespect the people who have sacrificed for me countless times over the past ~8 months.  These are people I've never met face to face...yet I know, with NO hesitation, that they care about me and my journey. 

This monster crave was gone minutes later and I went on with my day.  I had my phone out, with KTC contacts at the ready, but I didn't need that tool this time.  For those lurkers...if you're reading this, you've probably had an "F' IT" cave in the past.  If you want to quit and fight through that "F' IT" crave, join KTC and post roll NOW.  No doubt in my mind, it's your best chance at success.

Hold that line folks.

~HAG

[EXBEARHAG]

Just wanted to share some love and say thank you for being such an awesome quitter. You're here helping so many others across the boards. It's great to see others really buying in and having the enthusiasm to share the knowledge. Keep up the great work and PTBQWY

@EXBEARHAG I second this! Proud to be holdin the line with you brother!

@ankape
@Bug Guy

That means a lot coming from you two.  However, you give me too much credit.  You two know the best way to strengthen your quit is to put yourself out there and help others.  I make my promise early b/c I still spend a good amount of time during the day just barely hanging on.  Blogging out my challenges and sharing thoughts and strategies empowers me to keep my word...to you fine folks...to my family...TO MYSELF (for a change).  Honored to be quit with you two and glad to see you on the boards again tonight Bug.

[ankape]

Just wanted to share some love and say thank you for being such an awesome quitter. You're here helping so many others across the boards. It's great to see others really buying in and having the enthusiasm to share the knowledge. Keep up the great work and PTBQWY

@EXBEARHAG I second this! Proud to be holdin the line with you brother!

[Bug Guy]

Just wanted to share some love and say thank you for being such an awesome quitter. You're here helping so many others across the boards. It's great to see others really buying in and having the enthusiasm to share the knowledge. Keep up the great work and PTBQWY

[EXBEARHAG]

DAY 257

Status quo I guess.  I know I've said this before but I'm shocked how much control this substance has over me.  Still craving quite a bit although they are much more manageable.  Nicotine continues to be my brain's answer for everything.  Have to bring out trash...first split second thought through my brain is "that sucky chore would be better with a dip...OH SHIT.  NONE FOR YOU"....over and over again, all day long, for just about everything I do.  BUT...these thoughts come and go quicker than they did at the beginning and have much less bite.  So why the fuck are you complaining?  Just blogging it out man.  Carry on.

Holding the line...

[EXBEARHAG]

As this pandemic spreads and we get busier and busier and the stress and hours build, I can hear the bitch SCREAMING.  These are the times when I used to really lean on the nic crutch.  I'm good but please keep your eyes and ears on for me in the next several weeks.  This will be my biggest challenge thus far. 

Holding the line.

~HAG

Why do you want to do it? Your mind is pretty much healed from the damage. I don't think nicotine helped me in any way of doing anything... probably made things harder. It wont make your job easier, it wont make you feel good and its not a crutch. Its just some addictive shit that is made to get our money and take away our time in this world. You have done so much good for a lot of people in here and out there doing your job, do some good for yourself and stop putting that shit on a pedestal. You are awesome and tobacco is just a stupid dead plant (:

Of course, you guys are right.  I was pretty stressed about the unknown and what it was going to mean for my crew, my family, and myself.  When I went back and read it yesterday, I couldn't help but notice the addict speak.  Part of why this place works.  If I did not have this place, I'm pretty sure I would have convinced myself that it was OK (just until this thing blows over) and I would have caved.  Made my promise which took it off the table for the day.  Woke up the next day and saw the error in my thinking.  Thanks for keeping me straight Y'all...until next time.

Holding the line

[Indrek]

As this pandemic spreads and we get busier and busier and the stress and hours build, I can hear the bitch SCREAMING.  These are the times when I used to really lean on the nic crutch.  I'm good but please keep your eyes and ears on for me in the next several weeks.  This will be my biggest challenge thus far. 

Holding the line.

~HAG

Why do you want to do it? Your mind is pretty much healed from the damage. I don't think nicotine helped me in any way of doing anything... probably made things harder. It wont make your job easier, it wont make you feel good and its not a crutch. Its just some addictive shit that is made to get our money and take away our time in this world. You have done so much good for a lot of people in here and out there doing your job, do some good for yourself and stop putting that shit on a pedestal. You are awesome and tobacco is just a stupid dead plant (:

[Keith0617]

As this pandemic spreads and we get busier and busier and the stress and hours build, I can hear the bitch SCREAMING.  These are the times when I used to really lean on the nic crutch.  I'm good but please keep your eyes and ears on for me in the next several weeks.  This will be my biggest challenge thus far. 

Holding the line.

~HAG

Hold steady. Make your promise every day and know you aren't alone.

"Make it through today"

1 problem + nicotine = 2 problems     It is never the solution

[ChickDip]

As this pandemic spreads and we get busier and busier and the stress and hours build, I can hear the bitch SCREAMING.  These are the times when I used to really lean on the nic crutch.  I'm good but please keep your eyes and ears on for me in the next several weeks.  This will be my biggest challenge thus far. 

Holding the line.

~HAG

Hold steady. Make your promise every day and know you aren't alone.

"Make it through today"