This Time Is For Real

[KingNothing]

Congratulations on 400 Candyman. Good things coming your way in the next 100. We've got your back and I'm proud as hell to quit with you today.

[jabr]

My deepest fear is giving all of me and it not being returned. I afraid that when all bets are off that I will have never been lived like I have given.

I challenge everyone to love with no conditions your spouse. I love my wife as much as I love my daughters. I gave of myself so completely, that the wells ran dry.

I have replenished the wells to only find that she didn't wait. Why? I cannot bear the burden of this alone. She is making me to be the bad guy, she is making me hurt, she is making me doubt.

I am seeking forgiveness for 100% of the err, when I should be seeking forgiveness for 50% of the err. Why is she not seeking forgiveness?

Candy I have been married 31 year's. I will be the first to tell you it hasn't always been a cakewalk and it's still not
I was told by my Grandfather a time a young age that marriage has got to be 50/50 and you can never be to proud to admit when you are wrong. Men and woman always have problems admitting there wrong or always have to get the last word in but rest assured my friend you didn't screw your marriage up by yourself. Head up son, and stay strong. Prayers to you and quit on my brother!

Brother, those first 2 sentences flashed me back to 2012. Those statements are a hard realization, but they're true. You may never get as good as you gave. What I realized is you've got to get to a place where you're ok with that.

You said it yourself here or somewhere else recently that love is an act and not a feeling/emotion. No, I never got as good as I gave. But I finally realized, and accepted, that I gave absolutely everything I could, and that was the only side I could control.

In the end, I couldn't pull it out of the ditch. Hurt like a mother. Took me a long time to convince myself it wasn't a failure. It wasn't what I wanted. The conclusion wasn't what she wanted either, but she also didn't want to invest enough to fix it.

You say you need to move forward. I say you're moving forward regardless. Time stops for no man nor his circumstances.

Looking back with the clarity of hindsight, it's easy for me to relate this to you. But, believe me when I say, I recall with vivid clarity the devastation, the uncertainty, the exhaustion, the emasculated feelings, and the utter helplessness.

I dare say the way you've portrayed yourself on this forum over 400 days is the real you. My opinion is you're a solid guy whose put a tremendous effort into improving himself and helping others.

The sun will rise tomorrow. The day may not look like we expect or want. But, it will have potential for each of us to improve ourselves.

Keep grinding, Candoit. You got this.

[worktowin]

Just so fn angry right now. I need to stop this train of thought before I say something I would regret. She keeps pushing me away. Testing me. Why?

^for me. Just have to note this for me.

May not make sense to you candy but I've heard women say he's really trying to hard, maybe back off a little give her, her space. Maybe she's having issues you're not aware of. Hang in there bud, it is what it is and you can't force anything, sit back and watch.

I agree with Pab but I'm gonna phrase it a little differently... Right now I would focus on you. On how you can move forward. On how you can improve your life. If she wants to be with you on a life improvement journey - which might take time to play out - you both win. If she doesn't, you have focused your efforts on your own improvement.

I'm not saying to ignore or be rude or anything like that... Just suggesting that every ounce of your energy be focused solely on you.

[pab1964]

Just so fn angry right now. I need to stop this train of thought before I say something I would regret. She keeps pushing me away. Testing me. Why?

^for me. Just have to note this for me.

May not make sense to you candy but I've heard women say he's really trying to hard, maybe back off a little give her, her space. Maybe she's having issues you're not aware of. Hang in there bud, it is what it is and you can't force anything, sit back and watch.

[Candoit]

Just so fn angry right now. I need to stop this train of thought before I say something I would regret. She keeps pushing me away. Testing me. Why?

^for me. Just have to note this for me.

[Thumblewort]

No one said to Issac Newton, you can't prove planetary movement until you take adavanced mathematics, physics, and English. He went out an invented calculus to prove his point.

You do not need to take a course before you can do something. You just do it.

Once you've completed something for the first time, you are finally ready to start it for the first time. Life is messy that way.

If your dick is too short
Or your squirt is too weak
You'd better stand closer
Or piss on your feet

[quark]

No one said to Issac Newton, you can't prove planetary movement until you take adavanced mathematics, physics, and English. He went out an invented calculus to prove his point.

You do not need to take a course before you can do something. You just do it.

Once you've completed something for the first time, you are finally ready to start it for the first time. Life is messy that way.

[Candoit]

No one said to Issac Newton, you can't prove planetary movement until you take adavanced mathematics, physics, and English. He went out an invented calculus to prove his point.

You do not need to take a course before you can do something. You just do it.

[Candoit]

Forgiveness is not forgetting
Fear is not scared
Failure is not losing
Happiness is not painless
Success is not happiness
Pride is not ego
Honor is not selfish
Selfless is not loneliness
Sadness is not joyless
Smiling is not with out tears
Discovery is not with out frustration
Compassion is not selfless
Anger is not hate
Hate is not terminal
Moving forward is not moving on

We use too many synonyms in ourlives. In doing so we forget that feelings and emotions are not singluar entities. They are complex layers that are codependent. You cannot experience one with out the others. To denie the existence of the others breeds one: resentment.

[Candoit]

Failure is the inability to get back up. I have never failed, I always get back up.

Have I turned my back and held grudges, Yes. I can not let that retroactively harm me.

I need to move forward. This is different from move on. Do not confuse someones willingness to move forward with their willingness to move on. I am not moving on or giving up, I just have to move forward.

Roller Coaster.....

[Wt57]

As you know I have my share of issues so I'm not the best source for suggestions. Never the less I do have some insight into marriage, we've been married for 35 years. I'm luckier than most, my wife has stood by me through more than anyone should have to. We've had heart breaking things happen and moved on. I have the Serenity Prayer on my phone to read all the time. I like the first part that most people are familiar with but I prefer the whole thing.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen

I don't pretend to understand why bad things happen or how to best deal with them but I do know that when I've pushed through and dealt with life's challenges I've always felt better about myself afterwards. For me I've fought a battle continually to cut my life short. Obviously I haven't followed through and each time I've won my battle I consider it a win. That line "Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;" encourages me. I hope that eventually I can find that peace. I also hope you can find that peace.

[KingNothing]

Thoughts and prayers Cando. This is quite the roller coaster you're on, but eventually the ride will end. If you need anything at all, don't hesitate to reach out.

[pab1964]

My deepest fear is giving all of me and it not being returned. I afraid that when all bets are off that I will have never been lived like I have given.

I challenge everyone to love with no conditions your spouse. I love my wife as much as I love my daughters. I gave of myself so completely, that the wells ran dry.

I have replenished the wells to only find that she didn't wait. Why? I cannot bear the burden of this alone. She is making me to be the bad guy, she is making me hurt, she is making me doubt.

I am seeking forgiveness for 100% of the err, when I should be seeking forgiveness for 50% of the err. Why is she not seeking forgiveness?

Candy I have been married 31 year's. I will be the first to tell you it hasn't always been a cakewalk and it's still not
I was told by my Grandfather a time a young age that marriage has got to be 50/50 and you can never be to proud to admit when you are wrong. Men and woman always have problems admitting there wrong or always have to get the last word in but rest assured my friend you didn't screw your marriage up by yourself. Head up son, and stay strong. Prayers to you and quit on my brother!

[Candoit]

My deepest fear is giving all of me and it not being returned. I afraid that when all bets are off that I will have never been lived like I have given.

I challenge everyone to love with no conditions your spouse. I love my wife as much as I love my daughters. I gave of myself so completely, that the wells ran dry.

I have replenished the wells to only find that she didn't wait. Why? I cannot bear the burden of this alone. She is making me to be the bad guy, she is making me hurt, she is making me doubt.

I am seeking forgiveness for 100% of the err, when I should be seeking forgiveness for 50% of the err. Why is she not seeking forgiveness?

[Candoit]

I have been jotting down thoughts as they come to me, I wrote this last night.

I have given you 10 years of my life. There is not one person that I would rather had by my side.

For all of the issues we have had.
For all of the words not said.
For all of the tears shed in private.
For all of the feelings lost.

I want to hear them.
I want to dry them.
I want to experience them.........WITH YOU!

We have become new people.
We have become new people not despite us but because of us.

I have never lost sight of why I fell in love with you.

Your smile, your touch, your kind eyes. Our daughters give me the same look every day. That look is a constant reminder of why I love you and never have stopped loving you.

When they look at me, I see:
What was.
What is.
What it can be.

Which is what gives me the strength, courage, and faith that this is worth fighting for.

We made a promise to grow together.
We never figured out how.
We now can learn together.
We can discover who we are together.

I can only hope with every fiber of my being that you continue to walk with me on this journey.

Share this with your wife! Candy go into your marriage just like you have with your quit. You do whatever it takes to get it done. You don't give up. You promise yourself before it's all said and done, I've done everything humanly possible to fight for what's mine ,then in the end no matter what happens you will have a piece of mind knowing that you did your best. Prayers to you!

That is awesome. Whatever comes to you from that, from your wife is unknown today, but know that you have put yourself out there, completely vulnerable, transparent. Keep growing, change is living, keep opening up, change and action is freeing.

That is some nice work there. You are at point where you have to leave it all on the table for her to see and those words are quite powerful.

So I rewrote it by hand, and handed it to her. She read it put it in the envelope and put it aside. No emotion, so glance, no look. Just stotic.
I don't know what to do or say at this point. I just want a response. I need to keep moving forward. I need and want to talk about this with her.
I need to know how she could shut me out so quickly, be so distant. Be so unfeeling.