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Author Topic: I'm A Douche  (Read 54043 times)

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Offline DeanTheCoot

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Re: I'm A Douche
« Reply #177 on: June 26, 2009, 09:20:00 PM »
Acronym Eulogy II

Michael
Is
Chasing
Half-Pints
Around
Ethereal
Land

Jilted
Angels
Cannot
Know
Sexcapades
Of
Neverland
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Offline DeanTheCoot

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Re: I'm A Douche
« Reply #176 on: June 26, 2009, 09:09:00 PM »
*laughing*

"Jumping adults? Cool."

It reminds me of a bit Mitch Hedberg did...what HE considered an AIDS test:

"Hey, Brian. Do you know anyone who has AIDS? No? Cool. Cause you know ME."
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Offline SWJ

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Re: I'm A Douche
« Reply #175 on: June 26, 2009, 12:41:00 PM »
Acronym Eulogy

Michael
Is
Cooked.
His
Asswipe
Eccentricity
Lost.

Jumping
Adults..?
Cool.
Kids...?
Surely
Obnoxious.
Nuff said.
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"I am the punishment of God...If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you."
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Offline Smokeyg

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Re: I'm A Douche
« Reply #174 on: June 24, 2009, 04:16:00 PM »
:ph43r:
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Offline DeanTheCoot

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Re: I'm A Douche
« Reply #173 on: June 24, 2009, 09:40:00 AM »
Quote from: SWJ
The fact that we saw each other at the last rest stop does not give you the right to invite me to high-five you when we see each other at the next one.
I don't know what's funnier: Your comment about this, or the fact that it actually fucking HAPPENED (both the rest-stop brotherhood AND the fact that you saw the same dude twice)
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Offline Smokeyg

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Re: I'm A Douche
« Reply #172 on: June 23, 2009, 04:06:00 PM »
Lesbaru...nice.

I am planning on writing an Ode to SWJ for each of the European countries I visit.
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Offline SWJ

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Re: I'm A Douche
« Reply #171 on: June 23, 2009, 03:04:00 PM »
Rules For The Road

I just got back from a driving vacation.

And while driving, I made some observations that are, in fact, awesome and worth posting.

Here they are, in no particular order of importance:

1. Automobile Glass

That's right shit-for-brains.

I can see through the glass in your car.

How many fingers are you planning to shove in your blow-hole...?

And don't think I didn't see you put that boogie in your mouth.

2. Bumper Stickers

The "Bitch On Board" sticker on your bumper...?

We know.

If you find a bumper sticker that reads "I'm A Self-Centered, Insecure Shrew With The Face Of A Bulldog", buy it.

It's more immediately descriptive and courteous to those of us who are wondering.

3. Your Kids

If I see your little kids waving like lunatics out your rear window, I will respond.

By cheerfully giving them the finger, just because doing so cracks me up.

4. Lesbians

If you're female and you drive a Subaru, you're a lesbian.

You drive a Lesbaru.

The rainbow sticker is redundant.

5. I Rule

When I come up behind you in the fast lane at 80mph and flick my headlights...?

Get the fuck out of my way.

It's a law.

6. You Suck

When you come up behind me in the fast lane at 90mph and flick your headlights...?

Go fuck yourself.

That's a law too, bitch.

7. Your Girlfriend Is An Inconsiderate Slob

If my girlfriend ever put her bare fucking feet on my dashboard, I'd give her an elbow right in the cake hole.

You should do the same to the hose-bag in your passenger seat.

You should punch her in the face right now.

8. Changing Lanes

Changing lanes three at a time is reserved for me.

It's awesome when I do it.

When you do it, you're an inconsiderate douche.

9. Rest Stops

The fact that we saw each other at the last rest stop does not give you the right to invite me to high-five you when we see each other at the next one.

I may just opt to give you a congratulatory kick in the balls instead.

10. Asians

Asian people never go anywhere alone.

I swear, whenever I see a car pull into a rest area with an Asian dude driving, he's automatically got like 20 other people jammed in his sled.

Like a clown car at the circus.
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"I am the punishment of God...If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you."
- Genghis Khan

Offline quit_to_win

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Re: I'm A Douche
« Reply #170 on: June 12, 2009, 09:38:00 PM »
I have been extremely busy over the last several months and have visited the site quickly and intermittently during this time. I stumbled across this today and found myself laughing OUT LOUD at this shit. Excellent posts SWJ - funny shit.
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Offline jaydisco

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Re: I'm A Douche
« Reply #169 on: June 12, 2009, 02:11:00 PM »
Quote from: SWJ


Got mah Nugs in mah pockets
heh..heh...He said "Nugs"
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Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. -
Jules Winnfield

Offline SWJ

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Re: I'm A Douche
« Reply #168 on: June 11, 2009, 11:17:00 AM »
Quote from: Roy
Wow, sorry dude, it was not my intent to suck.  I was impressed on how the lyrics were posted, and still believe this is ripe for ridicule.  The gangsta McDonald was cool, or not cool, funny.
No worries, bitches.

Just in case you were wondering, McDonald's really is working on an "urban" themed commercial.

Here is an excerpt from a recent press release:

"...The Mo' Money ad agency has been selected to lead the charge in developing a new urban themed ad campaign to support McDonald's dope new image. This new collaboration includes targeting criteria such as geography, gender, age, number of shorties, frequency of felony convictions, and mobile preferences for both Web and mobile Web campaigns.

"Yo. By being able to hyper-target our audience, we're able to truly pimp our shit by reaching out to our customers in a very focused and cost-efficient manner an' shit," said LeShawn Jones, associate media director for Mo' Money.

In recent months, Mo' Money has worked with dozens of high-visibility advertisers to incorporate hip, urban campaigns for companies like ATT Wireless, ABC Family, Colt 45, Baretta Firearms, 20th Century Fox and Warner Home Entertainment..."

As a marketing teaser, Mo' Money released these lyric notes as a lead in to their upcoming McDonald's commercial promoting their McNugget products:

Mah bitch gots her freak on,
And dat ain't no lie.
An' I wanna eat sumpthin,
Beside skanky ho' pie.

I gots me a hankerin'
Fo' some bitchin' McD's.
Gonna pimp me some McNuggets,
Instead of pimpin' dat skeez.

Got mah Nugs in mah pockets,
Got mah nine in yo' back.
Gimme all yo' money,
Or else I'll bust a cap.

Ronald's mah boy... (Yeah, yeah, fuck yeah)
Ronald's mah boy... (Yeah, yeah, fuck yeah)
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"I am the punishment of God...If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you."
- Genghis Khan

Offline Hank

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Re: I'm A Douche
« Reply #167 on: June 11, 2009, 11:16:00 AM »
Quote from: FtheKodiak
Quote from: DeanTheCoot
Roy and Glenn have sucked the wind from my sails. Shit.
I just calls them as I sees them. I've been the first to commend SWJ on his witty and quite insightful remarks and introspection on more than one occasion, but I am dearly afraid I may have ratted him out on this one.

Sorry, friend.

Live hard, play football.
Just to clarify...FtheKodiak means real football...american football...none of that gay ass soccer.
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Offline RoyJester

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Re: I'm A Douche
« Reply #166 on: June 11, 2009, 09:17:00 AM »
Quote from: FtheKodiak
Quote from: DeanTheCoot
Roy and Glenn have sucked the wind from my sails. Shit.
I just calls them as I sees them. I've been the first to commend SWJ on his witty and quite insightful remarks and introspection on more than one occasion, but I am dearly afraid I may have ratted him out on this one.

Sorry, friend.

Live hard, play football.
Wow, sorry dude, it was not my intent to suck. I was impressed on how the lyrics were posted, and still believe this is ripe for ridicule. The gangsta McDonald was cool, or not cool, funny.
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Offline GlennFtheKodiak

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Re: I'm A Douche
« Reply #165 on: June 10, 2009, 11:24:00 PM »
Quote from: DeanTheCoot
Roy and Glenn have sucked the wind from my sails. Shit.
I just calls them as I sees them. I've been the first to commend SWJ on his witty and quite insightful remarks and introspection on more than one occasion, but I am dearly afraid I may have ratted him out on this one.

Sorry, friend.

Live hard, play football.
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football rules, soccer drools

HOF: July 7th, 2009

Offline jaydisco

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Re: I'm A Douche
« Reply #164 on: June 10, 2009, 09:54:00 PM »
Quote from: SWJ
I saw a McDonald's commercial last night.

Here, for those of you who have not seen it, are the lyrics.

And I swear I am not making this shit up:

I need a dubba cheeseburger,
An' hold da lettuce.
Don't be frontin, son,
No seeds on da bun

We be up in dis drive-thru,
Order fo' two.
I gots a cravin' fo' a numba nine,
Like my shoe.

We need some chicken up in here,
In the dizzle.
Fo' rizzle my mizzle.
Extra salt on da frizzle.

Dr. Peppa, my brotha,
An' anotha for your mutha.
Dubba dubba supa size,
An' don fo'get the fries.

There are so many ways in which I could make fun of this, that I'm not quite sure where to start.

This is all I could think of.
I'm going with large mountain dew (not like my shoe).

I speak jive...
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Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. -
Jules Winnfield

Offline DeanTheCoot

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Re: I'm A Douche
« Reply #163 on: June 10, 2009, 08:33:00 PM »
Roy and Glenn have sucked the wind from my sails. Shit.
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