I'm A Douche

[RoyJester]

An Open Letter To The Dudes At Airwick

Just a few suggestions to add to your awesome list.

WD-40
Sharpie.

[SWJ]

An Open Letter To The Dudes At Airwick

Dear Airwick Scientist,

You are not cool.

My wife is simply trying to keep our house from smelling like ass.

You, on the other hand, are waging a continuous campaign to make her spend every last dollar to make our house smell like a French whorehouse.

Knock it the fuck off.

Who gave you the idea that anyone would want their crib to smell like jasmine and kiwi...?

You are a fag.

I want my house to smell like bacon and pussy.

But you obviously haven't invented that shit yet.

How about beef jerky and motor oil...?

We probably won't see that one either.

If you're going to keep inventing new stinks for my shit, at least invent something cool.

Calming-Apple-Spice...?

Bullshit.

Exciting-Stripper-Puntang would be better.

Inspired-Gardenia--Passion-Flower...?

Crap.

Reheated-Pot-Roast would rock my shit.

Warming-Harvest-Spice...?

You suck.

Four-Stroke-Engine-Exhaust would kick ass.

You're lucky that I 'm not a scientist in your little fag-lab.

My scent-ventions would rock it like it was Friday.

You'd end up being busted down to making cat food smell like something other than vomit.

You'd never be able to step to my shit.

I would invent smells that would make people high five each other and strut around like whackos.

My stinks would have people throwing themselves to the floor and scooting their asses across the carpet with delight.

Yours are just gay.

I'm wise to you, penis-wrinkle.

Get with the program and make something that smells cool.

Or I will find you and introduce you my latest scent.

It's called He-Kicked-Me-In-The-Back-And-Stomped-My-Shit.

[jaydisco]

And little pieces of shit spray off the brush bristles and into your face and lips

THE VISUAL!!!!

HA!

[Smokeyg]

Im sitting here with a buddy and we are in tears reading this shit.  Nice work

siting with a buddy and shedding tears is gay.....unless you are watching old yellow.

or Rudy

or Notting Hill

[GlennFtheKodiak]

Im sitting here with a buddy and we are in tears reading this shit.  Nice work

siting with a buddy and shedding tears is gay.....unless you are watching old yellow.

or Rudy

[mule]

Im sitting here with a buddy and we are in tears reading this shit. Nice work

siting with a buddy and shedding tears is gay.....unless you are watching old yellow.

[cubs204]

Im sitting here with a buddy and we are in tears reading this shit. Nice work

[livin]

Dean "the former Cunt"

that is FUNNY.

[DeanTheCoot]

OMG....Dude...I am going to say this, and you will definitely know what I am talking about if you've ever used a ball washer:

Do you think the SOUND of the washing would be different if poops, rather than soapy water, filled the reservoir? You plunge plunge plunge and it sounds heavy and dull and labored rather than crisp and poppy. And little pieces of shit spray off the brush bristles and into your face and lips, and then the smell hits you and you're like

Is this ball washer filled with SHIT? You gotta be kidding me. Who SHIT in this thing?

[SWJ]

But please acknowledge that it's triple points for shitting into a ball washer.

Triple points acknowledged.

Truly inspired.

Imagine your reaction when your Top-Flite comes out brown.

That's awesome.

[DeanTheCoot]

Fucking hysterical...

But please acknowledge that it's triple points for shitting into a ball washer.

[SWJ]

Anyway, it is important to note that this is not a complete list.

You might follow these rules and still be a douche-bag.

I'll let you know.

HA! Soooo true.

In turn, let me add three questions whose answers truly determine whether someone is a dude:

Have you ever shit somewhere other than in a toilet bowl? (A forest is preferable, but a golf course green, toilet tank, alley or closet will also suffice nicely.)

Do you understand that Steve McQueen is God?

Have you ever made yourself feel sick with one of your own farts? (If you've actually puked from it, you are a homo.)

All three questions must be answered in the affirmative. If they are not, you are a douchebag. Open your cute little legs and let me fuck you until you love me.

Decidedly manly additions to the list, Dean.

Well done.

First, Steve McQueen was The Man. But that's only because Lo Pan wasn't born yet.

Lo Pan would have made Steve his McBitch.

Second, the places in which I have delivered the ass-mail are too numerous to count.

Double points for you if you've ever made a deposit on a golf course green...

...In the cup.

So, double points for me.

And third, one of my farts smelled so bad one time that I thought I was going to pass out.

But I smiled to myself proudly anyway.

That fart ruled.

Come to think of it, I wish I could fart that nasty all the time.

It's almost pointless to expend the energy necessary to expel a big shit-bubble and have it not smell like burnt hair.

But that's just how I roll.

[DeanTheCoot]

Anyway, it is important to note that this is not a complete list.

You might follow these rules and still be a douche-bag.

I'll let you know.

HA! Soooo true.

In turn, let me add three questions whose answers truly determine whether someone is a dude:

Have you ever shit somewhere other than in a toilet bowl? (A forest is preferable, but a golf course green, toilet tank, alley or closet will also suffice nicely.)

Do you understand that Steve McQueen is God?

Have you ever made yourself feel sick with one of your own farts? (If you've actually puked from it, you are a homo.)

All three questions must be answered in the affirmative. If they are not, you are a douchebag. Open your cute little legs and let me fuck you until you love me.

[SWJ]

Man Rules

These may be no more than observations, but they're important.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what separates a dude from a total ass-wipe.

Some of the factors are complex, but others are very basic.

Feel free to add any that you feel are relevant, but don't fucking argue about mine.

The following are non-negotiable.

1. Talking to me without your pants on is not cool.

Dudes at my gym carry on seemingly normal conversations with each other with no pants on.

I don't go for that.

If I can see your balls, I'm not talking to you.

Likewise, I will extend the same courtesy by not engaging you in idle banter with my ball-fro in full view.

Stow that shit.

Only then may you ask me about the weather without me crushing your sternum.

2. Never say "excuse me" when you fart.

Farting is awesome.

It is, however, unacceptable to say "Excuse me" after an ass-blast of any magnitude.

Unless you're a fag.

Or a girl.

Here are some of the acceptable, manly things to say after letting one loose:

a. Hahaha...!
b. Hahaha...! Did you hear that shit...?!
c. Booya...!

You get the picture.

3. Wiping deodorant on yourself counts as a shower.

Your significant other needs to get her head around that shit.

It's the way it is.

Bathing is often a waste of time and Speed Stick is a perfectly acceptable substitute.

Especially if you're getting ready to go to someone else's wedding or your wife's bullshit office party.

4. Titties are awesome.

No explanation needed.

And there are no exceptions except in the case of dude boobs or "doobs".

Those are not cool.

If you respond to my lewd comment about a random pair of titties with "Ewwww" or anything less than unabashed enthusiasm, I will wreck your shit.

5. Don't tell me how to grill.

If you're fortunate enough to be invited to my compound for a meal, shut the fuck up.

Feel free to gush about how awesome I am or how hot my wife is or how all my shit is better than yours.

But do not make suggestions of any kind about the way I rock my grill.

I grill my shit the way I grill it.

I set it on fire for like 30 seconds and then turn it over to put the flames out.

When the flames on the other side have died down to like 6 inches high, it's done.

Eat it.

6. I know everything.

Don't fucking argue.

If I say something is awesome, leave it the fuck alone.

Likewise, if I say that something or someone is decidedly uncool, that's the way it is.

If I want to deliberate or hear a contradictory point of view, I'll talk to my wife, not you.

Dudes agree with other dudes about everything all the time.



Anyway, it is important to note that this is not a complete list.

You might follow these rules and still be a douche-bag.

I'll let you know.

Just keep your fucking pants on.

[SWJ]

You could start a company to facilitate just these types of benefits for all men... fat, not so fat, and thinnies aspiring to be fat.

Wow, thinnies? Is that what they call us? It never dawned on me that we could be defamed for being "at" weight.

We are all "at" weight.... we're just "at" different weights...

Actually, a "thinny" is a toothpick fucker that hardly has enough muscle mass to move around let alone engage in hand-to-hand.

Those that fall between thinny and not as fat are those that meet the scientific definition of "will fall into a fatty or thinny category before death."

The world according to Colonel_No_Cope.

All of this is neither here nor there.

Skinny people still don't get to drive a pimped out Fatillac to and fro in Wal-Mart.