Why Being Fat Is Awesome
First of all, I'm not fat.
Anymore.
But sometimes I wish I was because fat people get all the breaks.
1. Fatillacs
You know those go-carts that you never get to use at Wal-Mart...?
Those are awesome.
If I was a big tub of goo, I'd get to drive one of those without people thinking I was just too lazy to walk.
And I'd drive that fucker like the General Lee.
2. Pants.
My pants are uncomfortable.
But if I was fat, my pants would be awesome.
They'd be made out of soft, bath towel material and they would have a big puffy elastic waistband.
I wouldn't need pockets either, because my Hover-Round would have a basket on the front for my shit.
3. Shoes.
Really fat people are like babies.
They just wear their socks everywhere they go.
That's awesome.
I suppose that once you eat your way past 350 lbs, you just think, "Fuck it. Shoes are over-rated."
Plus, you don't walk anywhere anyway.
4. Buffet.
If I was huge, "buffet" would be my third favorite word, right after "sponge" and "bath".
The buffet was invented specifically for big fat dudes.
I would perceive each trip to the buffet a competition to see if I could screw the restaurant.
I would imagine the dining room manager sweating it because he would know that I Bring The Shit.
Golden Corral would fear me.
5. My Chair.
If I was fat, my wife would let me put my chair right next to the window in our house.
It's like an unspoken rule that you have to let fat people sit next to the window.
You kind of feel bad for them because they can't get up and walk around.
So you park them next to the window so they can see out.
That would rule.
Plus, no one would ever sit in my chair but me.
First of all, I would never get up.
And second, even if I did, my chair would be so disgusting that no one would dare step to my shit.
It would be like my chair had an invisible force-field made of dried ketchup and cookie crumbs.
5. Slaves.
If you're two-tons of fun, everyone automatically becomes your personal slave just by natural selection.
You're too fat to do anything for yourself and people feel bad for you.
I would take advantage of that.
I'd have skinny people bustling all over the place, getting me hot dogs, taking my socks on and off, and shit like that.
And if they ever complained I'd just tell them not to hate the player.
Anyway, I know that fat people get a bad rap and they kind of complain a lot about not being treated like equals and stuff like that.
But they should own that shit.
I'd love to have two seats all to myself on every plane ride.
