I'm A Douche

[Colonel_No_Cope]

A Monologue On Hiring

Recently, I had the good fortune to be in a position in which I needed to hire a new employee.

Being the rock-star that I am, I had, over the course of several months, amassed a literal treasure trove of employment applications for just such an occasion.

In perusing these gems of industry, it is a shame that I can't hire each and every last one.

For those of you in the unfortunate position of having to look for employment in this economy, I present to you a brief primer on what not to include in your resume.

1. Your photograph.

That's right. One dude actually sent me a resume with his picture at the top, like letterhead.

Let me help you out, shit-for-brains -

Your resume wasn't that hot to begin with and that blurry photo of your dumb ass didn't help.

All I could really make out was that your comb-over is awesome to behold.

2. Your hobbies.

Here's another tip for the intrepid job seeker.

Telling me, in writing, that you enjoy toy trains, manga, and collecting unicorn figurines does not instill me with confidence.

It clearly illustrates that it's time for you to move out of your mom's basement.

3. Your record.

Yes, I know that there's a question on the application about whether or not you've ever been convicted of a crime.

We put that question in there to see how dumb you really are.

Writing up the side of the fucking margin some half-assed explanation that you were only 19, or that she really looked older, or that you were never actually, formally convicted is pointless.

You're an idiot.

4. Your dumb-ass name.

I'm looking at a resume with the name Rui Roopoo at the top.

If I can't tell by looking at your name whether you're an actual applicant or a circus animal, change your fucking name.

No interview for you.

5. Misspelled words.

If you're applying for a Security position, be sure you can spell S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y.

The word definitely includes the letter C.

It also includes the letter I.

Just like D-I-C-K.

6. Your over-stated accomplishments.

If you really expanded sales by $2.5 million in a week and you oversaw enough people to make up a small country, why the fuck did you quit "for a better paying job" at $9 an hour...??

Newsflash - I'm smarter than you. And I therefore know instantly that you're full of shit.

Also, you might want to leave out the fact that you got a Cub Scout merit badge back in 1932 when you were 9.

Spell this: I-D-O-N-O-T-C-A-R-E.

7. Your sketchy job history.

If you've had eighteen jobs in the last three weeks, gloss over that shit.

There is definitely something wrong with you that working for me won't fix.

8. Your email address.

I get it. You like to party. Fine.

But informing me that you can be contacted at crystalmethrules@gmail.com is decidedly unwise.

Chances are that I will quickly misplace your contact information.


My advice for job seekers is well founded because I myself have been one -

Either get your shit together or go back to working part time for your uncle.

In the meantime, I invite you to an interview at douche-o-clock on the 32nd of next month.

Great advice... I had to read a few of them to my sergeant. Laughs were heard all the way down the hall.

I might have to send you my resume in about 2 years (after I retire), just to see if I can pass your stringent (yet common sensical) standards.

Or, if I just end up being the topic of your next post. 'crackup'

[SWJ]

A Monologue On Hiring

Recently, I had the good fortune to be in a position in which I needed to hire a new employee.

Being the rock-star that I am, I had, over the course of several months, amassed a literal treasure trove of employment applications for just such an occasion.

In perusing these gems of industry, it is a shame that I can't hire each and every last one.

For those of you in the unfortunate position of having to look for employment in this economy, I present to you a brief primer on what not to include in your resume.

1. Your lame photograph.

That's right. One dude actually sent me a resume with his picture at the top, like letterhead.

Let me help you out, shit-for-brains -

Your resume wasn't that hot to begin with and that blurry photo of your dumb ass didn't help.

All I could really make out was that your comb-over is awesome to behold.

2. Your questionable hobbies.

Here's another tip for the intrepid job seeker.

Telling me, in writing, that you enjoy toy trains, manga, and collecting unicorn figurines does not instill me with confidence.

It clearly illustrates that it's time for you to move out of your mom's basement.

3. Your record.

Yes, I know that there's a question on the application about whether or not you've ever been convicted of a crime.

We put that question in there to see how dumb you really are.

Writing up the side of the fucking margin some half-assed explanation that you were only 19, or that she really looked older, or that you were never actually, formally convicted is pointless.

You're an idiot.

4. Your dumb-ass name.

I'm looking at a resume with the name "Rui Roopoo" at the top.

You have got to be kidding.

If I can't tell by looking at your name whether you're an actual applicant or a circus animal, change your fucking name.

No interview for you.

5. Misspelled words.

If you're applying for a Security position, be sure you can spell S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y.

The word definitely includes the letter C.

It also includes the letter I.

Just like D-I-C-K.

6. Your over-stated accomplishments.

If you really expanded sales by $2.5 million in a week and you oversaw enough people to make up a small country, why the fuck did you quit "for a better paying job" at $9 an hour...??

Newsflash - I'm smarter than you. And I therefore know instantly that you're full of shit.

Also, you might want to leave out the fact that you got a Cub Scout merit badge back in 1932 when you were 9.

Spell this: I-D-O-N-O-T-C-A-R-E.

7. Your sketchy job history.

If you've had eighteen jobs in the last three weeks, gloss over that shit.

There is definitely something wrong with you that working for me won't fix.

8. Your retarded email address.

I get it. You like to party. Fine.

But informing me that you can be contacted at crystalmethrules@gmail.com is decidedly unwise.

Chances are that I will quickly misplace your contact information.


My advice for job seekers is well founded because I myself have been one -

Either get your shit together or go back to working part time for your uncle.

In the meantime, I invite you to an interview at douche-o-clock on the 32nd of next month.

[Colonel_No_Cope]

I disliked the fact that its participants seemed to get a significant amount of pleasure from verbally tearing people down.

It was my perception that those who were struggling were basically shit-stomped by those who were not.

And I don't go in for that.

I still don't.

I share your beliefs on the entirety of your last post, but these notes are especially relevant to me over the last 2-3 days.

[SWJ]

Day 107.

It Gets Easier

Two things have happened that, at least during the beginning stages of my Quit, I never imagined would come to fruition.

First, I have realized that I really like being here.

And second, The Quit is getting easier.

I have to admit, at the beginning there were certain things that I hated about this site.

I disliked the fact that its participants seemed to get a significant amount of pleasure from verbally tearing people down.

It was my perception that those who were struggling were basically shit-stomped by those who were not.

And I don't go in for that.

I still don't.

However, I have realized that every Supporter on this site is sincere in wanting to help.

I've also realized that it is frustrating to be so willing to help and then sometimes not having the chance to do so.

Caves happen fast and they I think they usually happen without a public struggle, so those who want to help often never get the chance.

None of that changes the fact that this has really started to feel like a Brotherhood to me and I have found that, despite my original intentions, I like being a part of that.

And for those of you just starting your Quit, it really does get easier.

And I've figured out one of the reasons why -

The reasons why you should not use tobacco far outweigh the reasons why you should.

It's just that simple.

And the hook is this - With every day that goes by the good reasons become more apparent at the same time that the bad ones fade.

And they do fade.

It's interesting to think about the fact that none of us ever anticipated the hold that tobacco would have on us when we started.

It's only when we try to Quit that the strength of its grip becomes apparent.

But I can testify to the fact that the farther away from it you get, the weaker its grip becomes.

And that is something to work for...

[SWJ]

Day 106.

Feel free to comment.  If however, you don't agree with my inventions, you're a douche.

Smokey -

See Above Disclaimer.

[Smokeyg]

Instead of sitting on the same toilet that the underlings in my house sit on, my shitter would be a full-blown leather couch with holes in it just the right size for my ass. 

The whole picture is pretty awesome, I must admit. Two problems though:

Firstly, are you sure that brown leather is the best choice? If you accidently wipe shit on your couch, would you want to know about it? Not only for cleanliness, but so the underlings could see the shit and know to stay the fuck away - or else. (NEVER MIND - full-blown is different thatn full-brown)

Lastly, why do you need multiple holes? I would imagine one hole would suffice. One hole suffices me. Multiple holes just means multiple cleanings.

Did you wash your hands after posting this? Or does your bathroom require no sink because your bathroom is so awesome that wiping is unneccessary. The shit slides out of your ass as cleanly as it slides into this intro page.

[SWJ]

I like it!!!!!!! The only thing different in my bathroom would be outernal standing by 24/7 to wipe my ass when I am done!!!!!!! 'arse'  'arse'  'crackup'  'crackup'  'crackup'

I'm sure Outernal will be thrilled... -----Sarcasm

[ScooterScum]

Day 106.

My Bathroom Sucks

I was sitting in my bathroom the other morning, thinking about ways in which I could possibly be more awesome and it occurred to me that my bathroom needs a makeover.

The renovation suggestions that follow will, of course, never come to fruition at my house because my wife, in matters such as these, is my Kryptonite.  Whenever I come up with man-tastic inventions or ideas, she becomes my all-powerful arch-nemesis. 

I mean, I could be victorious over her if I really wanted to, but that would mean punching her head right off.

And that would probably upset the little kids in her Sunday School class.

Anyway, as I was sitting there delivering the mail and listening to the bath fan make a horrible noise, I invented a new bath fan, among other awesome bathroom accoutrements.

My new bath fan would not only play Twisted Sister when you turned it on, it would also pipe my stank over to my neighbor's living room. 

Come to think of it, it would also pipe in the smell of bacon.

My new bathroom would be huge. 

It would be colossally big enough to house my other invention, The Shit Couch. 

Instead of sitting on the same toilet that the underlings in my house sit on, my shitter would be a full-blown leather couch with holes in it just the right size for my ass. 

I would go in, take my pants off, sit on my Shit Couch, and Take Care of Business.

It would be just like when you watch porn when your wife's not home - That's the only other time it's acceptable to sit on your couch with no pants on. 

Only this way, it wouldn't be disturbing and gross.

While I was sitting on my Shit Couch listening to Twisted Sister kick ass out of the fan, I would watch my big screen TV, which would only get two channels:  Hustler TV and Speed Channel. 

Only the Speed Channel would not have any of the gay shows it has now.

There would also be an invisible force-field outside the door with cameras so I could watch people getting their shit wrecked when they tried to bust in on me.

I would decorate the walls with lightning bolts and pictures of me.

It would be so awesome that I would never come out.  I would just stay in there all the time.

I would make it my job.

And people would pay me too, because my bathroom would be the best one in the universe and people would send me money in exchange for an autographed action picture of me taking a dump.

I would have millions of friends because everyone would want to come over and take a shit at my house.

I would call up Lo Pan because we would be tight, and He would come over and hang out in my bathroom.

He would do magic tricks and shoot magical flames out of His ass just for me and my friends.

We would laugh and clap and it would be the best time ever.

Anyway, when I told her about them, the arch-nemesis that I'm married to was not too fond of my inventions.

She said that there was no way that she would let Lo Pan put on a magical ass-blast demonstration in the house...

Feel free to comment.  If however, you don't agree with my inventions, you're a douche.

I like it!!!!!!! The only thing different in my bathroom would be outernal standing by 24/7 to wipe my ass when I am done!!!!!!! 'arse' 'arse' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'

[DeanTheCoot]

Look, man...I have kids. Do you expect me to NOT watch/masturbate to Dora?

Shit...that's not exactly what I meant. Anyway.

I hate the French. I hope we have a meeting of the minds on that. They were useful c. 1780, but have let us down since.

[SWJ]

I'm sorry, but puppets do kick ass. Have you ever REALLY played with a puppet? (Clearly not.)

And please...let's be fucking reasonable about quiche. I KNOW you like bacon, eggs and cheese. You're telling me that putting the preceding into a CRUST, for the love of God, does not kick ass? Don't be an asshole.

Dean -

If sitting around eating quiche and playing with puppets does it for you, so be it.

Just so you know, quiche is pizza for homos and French people. But it's a free country...

While you're at it, perhaps you could increase your ass-kickedness exponentially by simultaneously watching Dora The Explorer and listening to your Zamfir 8-tracks.

And you don't have to use goddamn cuss words all the time either. It's not fucking nice.

Penis-wrinkle.

[Ricko]

Day 106.

My Bathroom Sucks

I was sitting in my bathroom the other morning, thinking about ways in which I could possibly be more awesome and it occurred to me that my bathroom needs a makeover.

The renovation suggestions that follow will, of course, never come to fruition at my house because my wife, in matters such as these, is my Kryptonite. Whenever I come up with man-tastic inventions or ideas, she becomes my all-powerful arch-nemesis.

I mean, I could be victorious over her if I really wanted to, but that would mean punching her head right off.

And that would probably upset the little kids in her Sunday School class.

Anyway, as I was sitting there delivering the mail and listening to the bath fan make a horrible noise, I invented a new bath fan, among other awesome bathroom accoutrements.

My new bath fan would not only play Twisted Sister when you turned it on, it would also pipe my stank over to my neighbor's living room.

Come to think of it, it would also pipe in the smell of bacon.

My new bathroom would be huge.

It would be colossally big enough to house my other invention, The Shit Couch.

Instead of sitting on the same toilet that the underlings in my house sit on, my shitter would be a full-blown leather couch with holes in it just the right size for my ass.

I would go in, take my pants off, sit on my Shit Couch, and Take Care of Business.

It would be just like when you watch porn when your wife's not home - That's the only other time it's acceptable to sit on your couch with no pants on.

Only this way, it wouldn't be disturbing and gross.

While I was sitting on my Shit Couch listening to Twisted Sister kick ass out of the fan, I would watch my big screen TV, which would only get two channels: Hustler TV and Speed Channel.

Only the Speed Channel would not have any of the gay shows it has now.

There would also be an invisible force-field outside the door with cameras so I could watch people getting their shit wrecked when they tried to bust in on me.

I would decorate the walls with lightning bolts and pictures of me.

It would be so awesome that I would never come out. I would just stay in there all the time.

I would make it my job.

And people would pay me too, because my bathroom would be the best one in the universe and people would send me money in exchange for an autographed action picture of me taking a dump.

I would have millions of friends because everyone would want to come over and take a shit at my house.

I would call up Lo Pan because we would be tight, and He would come over and hang out in my bathroom.

He would do magic tricks and shoot magical flames out of His ass just for me and my friends.

We would laugh and clap and it would be the best time ever.

Anyway, when I told her about them, the arch-nemesis that I'm married to was not too fond of my inventions.

She said that there was no way that she would let Lo Pan put on a magical ass-blast demonstration in the house...

Feel free to comment. If however, you don't agree with my inventions, you're a douche.

now that is the sweet smell of success! 'crackup'

[DeanTheCoot]

I'm sorry, but puppets do kick ass. Have you ever REALLY played with a puppet? (Clearly not.)

And please...let's be fucking reasonable about quiche. I KNOW you like bacon, eggs and cheese. You're telling me that putting the preceding into a CRUST, for the love of God, does not kick ass? Don't be an asshole.

[SWJ]

Day 106.

My Bathroom Sucks

I was sitting in my bathroom the other morning, thinking about ways in which I could possibly be more awesome and it occurred to me that my bathroom needs a makeover.

The renovation suggestions that follow will, of course, never come to fruition at my house because my wife, in matters such as these, is my Kryptonite. Whenever I come up with man-tastic inventions or ideas, she becomes my all-powerful arch-nemesis.

I mean, I could be victorious over her if I really wanted to, but that would mean punching her head right off.

And that would probably upset the little kids in her Sunday School class.

Anyway, as I was sitting there delivering the mail and listening to the bath fan make a horrible noise, I invented a new bath fan, among other awesome bathroom accoutrements.

My new bath fan would not only play Twisted Sister when you turned it on, it would also pipe my stank over to my neighbor's living room.

Come to think of it, it would also pipe in the smell of bacon.

My new bathroom would be huge.

It would be colossally big enough to house my other invention, The Shit Couch.

Instead of sitting on the same toilet that the underlings in my house sit on, my shitter would be a full-blown leather couch with holes in it just the right size for my ass.

I would go in, take my pants off, sit on my Shit Couch, and Take Care of Business.

It would be just like when you watch porn when your wife's not home - That's the only other time it's acceptable to sit on your couch with no pants on.

Only this way, it wouldn't be disturbing and gross.

While I was sitting on my Shit Couch listening to Twisted Sister kick ass out of the fan, I would watch my big screen TV, which would only get two channels: Hustler TV and Speed Channel.

Only the Speed Channel would not have any of the gay shows it has now.

There would also be an invisible force-field outside the door with cameras so I could watch people getting their shit wrecked when they tried to bust in on me.

I would decorate the walls with lightning bolts and pictures of me.

It would be so awesome that I would never come out. I would just stay in there all the time.

I would make it my job.

And people would pay me too, because my bathroom would be the best one in the universe and people would send me money in exchange for an autographed action picture of me taking a dump.

I would have millions of friends because everyone would want to come over and take a shit at my house.

I would call up Lo Pan because we would be tight, and He would come over and hang out in my bathroom.

He would do magic tricks and shoot magical flames out of His ass just for me and my friends.

We would laugh and clap and it would be the best time ever.

Anyway, when I told her about them, the arch-nemesis that I'm married to was not too fond of my inventions.

She said that there was no way that she would let Lo Pan put on a magical ass-blast demonstration in the house...

Feel free to comment. If however, you don't agree with my inventions, you're a douche.

[niwot]

Please compare and contrast Lo Pan and Chuck Norris!  I need some clarity on badassednessism!

For the sake of comparison, here is a partial list of things that kick ass:

1. Lo Pan

2. Meat

3. Lesbians

4. Hippos

5. Sunny-D

6. Porn

7. Me

8. Sneezing

9. Pop-Tarts

10. My balls

Now, for the contrary point of view, here is a partial list of things that most undoubtedly do not kick ass:

1. Dora The Explorer

2. Puppets

3. Your ex-wife

4. Quiche

5. Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute

6. Kleenex

7. The Oxygen Network

8. Pigeons

9. Crotch rot

10. My neighbor

I realize that this is not the comparison between Lo Pan and Chuck Norris that you specifically asked for, but you must understand that such an inquiry is like asking someone to compare the similarities between Zeus and Dr. Phil.

Please feel free to comment.

Note however, that if you disagree with anything above, you're a fag.

Undoubtedly more unabashed awesomeness----give yourself an Arod kiss in the mirror!

[SWJ]

Please compare and contrast Lo Pan and Chuck Norris!  I need some clarity on badassednessism!

For the sake of comparison, here is a partial list of things that kick ass:

1. Lo Pan

2. Meat

3. Lesbians

4. Hippos

5. Sunny-D

6. Porn

7. Me

8. Sneezing

9. Pop-Tarts

10. My balls

Now, for the contrary point of view, here is a partial list of things that most undoubtedly do not kick ass:

1. Dora The Explorer

2. Puppets

3. Your ex-wife

4. Quiche

5. Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute

6. Kleenex

7. The Oxygen Network

8. Pigeons

9. Crotch rot

10. My neighbor

I realize that this is not the comparison between Lo Pan and Chuck Norris that you specifically asked for, but you must understand that such an inquiry is like asking someone to compare the similarities between Zeus and Dr. Phil.

Please feel free to comment.

Note however, that if you disagree with anything above, you're a fag.