This week I've been travelling for work, from Tuesday through Friday, in DC. Getting a real quit workout, too! I knew it'd be a challenge.
Used to be: DC was an especially tricky dipping destination when I came here. You usually don't get a car, so transportation is tough. And, it's hard to find supply if you run out or low-- so, I learned the hard way to stock up before coming in. Then, you dress well and stay out of the hotel for a long term, on public transportaiton, going through security to get into buildings-- talk about a ninja challenge! and you have to pack it on your person somewhere, becuase it's not likley to be at a corner store just outside where you are-- there aren't such stores, reliably anyway. And where do you put it- in your suit pocket? What about the metal detectors- can't let others see it by taking it out of the pocket to get through there.... it's a real obstacle course. And, then, how and where do you spit? Nope, gotta maintain a delicate balance of size of dip so that you can swallow, or risk having to spit discretely on a marble floor somewhere or make an emergency run to a bathroom - how about in the Senate office building for example- just so you can spit. And hope there's not a quick spit buildup, so you dont' have to either swallow it and get sick or have to gurgle out a question about where the bathroom is. Ridiculous, but real. Now, I'm' free of that and it feels like a city dog that got off its leash and is running though the neighborhood just because it feels good to be free!
Also, though, the triggers are pretty deep and that means I've been running a gauntlet of craves. That means I"m winning a lot though, because i'm smacking the bitch back whenever she raisees her ugly head. I"m thinking the triggers are strong because they had to be, in order to overcome the terrible inconvenience dipping is here. The addiction had to make sure I knew damned well i'd better keep the supply coming, even though it was very hard and complicated to do that.
The travelling part is interesting. You are essentially alone when travelling. That means lots of alone time with the nicbitch keeping you company. She loves travelling, despite the inconvenience, and she just ramps up the triggers to accomodate the inconveniences, like i desribed earlier. However, recall that the addiction means that she takes over the brain circuitry that makes you want to make friends. It does feel very different with that circuitry in myself coming into a state of being nicotine free. I actually enjoy and find myself having more, pleasurable, interactions all along my travels. I still have habits of keeping to myself, but i'm finding that it's more fun to not keep to myself, to reach out to fellow travelers and other people I meet and actually engage with them. What the $*^#*, i've always aspired to that but felt shy in some ways and that held be back. And I battled it but never felt free. No damned wonder, I find now, since my brain chemistry has been hijacked all this time and I was incabable of healthy free relating with people .
So glad to be free from the shit. So glad to be growing up again after the shit worked its way into my brain. So f-ing thankful that I have this opportunity to live. And it's just starting.
