A Time to Kill (the can)

[Candoit]

Day 19 Update: Okay so I guess I am hanging in there. I still have long spells where my brain feels really foggy and I cannot get focused. The cravings are not too bad, but I am not sleeping well and I "miss" the f*cking nic, which is a sorry thing to have to say. I have been super busy at work too, which does not help. What was it someone said...when you quit the rest of the world does not quit with you. There were a number of days this past week where I wanted nothing more than to come on line and type about how I am feeling, etc....but I just have not had the time. Too bad, as I think some more time here would have helped my mood.

So, I have also been having some difficulties playing nice with others (namely my wife). I am trying really hard to stay on an even keel with people at work. I don't need to blow anyone up because I am fighting with the nic bitch. My wife, on the other hand, seems fair game. And in my current mental state it seems that I cannot tell if she deserves the cold treatment or if I am over-reacting because I am having a bad quit day. As I mentioned she has been pretty supportive in general. I guess I should apologize and try to be nice...it is just that she pissed me off about a few things, that's all.

Sooooo...I also had my required annual physical yesterday. Doc was very happy I have quit. Unfortunately, I also seem to have some issues with my heart. At age 51, that is not good news. Will have to modify a few things in terms of lifestyle. Looks like I picked the wrong time to give up (A) coffee and (B) any food worth eating and (C) drinking.....Aw well, perhaps it is time for me to fully clean up my act. Now in the old days I might have used the excuse of a health scare to say f*ck it and start dipping again....but that was before KTC. I have done lots of really reprehensible things in life, but I have always tried to be a man of my word. That is why the concept of this site is so f*cking brilliant. WUPP....accountability...daily ODAAT. It is really powerful and I feel no desire to quit my quit. At least the doc did not see any signs of mouth or throat cancer.

Stay strong and quit on and thank God for KTC!

When you really quit, not go through the motions, you realize that quitting isn't about removing something from your life. When you quit it is about changing all of you, for the better. The long term is never easy it is overwhelming, that's why it is always ODAAT.

[4TheWin]

Day 19 Update: Okay so I guess I am hanging in there. I still have long spells where my brain feels really foggy and I cannot get focused. The cravings are not too bad, but I am not sleeping well and I "miss" the f*cking nic, which is a sorry thing to have to say. I have been super busy at work too, which does not help. What was it someone said...when you quit the rest of the world does not quit with you. There were a number of days this past week where I wanted nothing more than to come on line and type about how I am feeling, etc....but I just have not had the time. Too bad, as I think some more time here would have helped my mood.

So, I have also been having some difficulties playing nice with others (namely my wife). I am trying really hard to stay on an even keel with people at work. I don't need to blow anyone up because I am fighting with the nic bitch. My wife, on the other hand, seems fair game. And in my current mental state it seems that I cannot tell if she deserves the cold treatment or if I am over-reacting because I am having a bad quit day. As I mentioned she has been pretty supportive in general. I guess I should apologize and try to be nice...it is just that she pissed me off about a few things, that's all.

Sooooo...I also had my required annual physical yesterday. Doc was very happy I have quit. Unfortunately, I also seem to have some issues with my heart. At age 51, that is not good news. Will have to modify a few things in terms of lifestyle. Looks like I picked the wrong time to give up (A) coffee and (B) any food worth eating and (C) drinking.....Aw well, perhaps it is time for me to fully clean up my act. Now in the old days I might have used the excuse of a health scare to say f*ck it and start dipping again....but that was before KTC. I have done lots of really reprehensible things in life, but I have always tried to be a man of my word. That is why the concept of this site is so f*cking brilliant. WUPP....accountability...daily ODAAT. It is really powerful and I feel no desire to quit my quit. At least the doc did not see any signs of mouth or throat cancer.

Stay strong and quit on and thank God for KTC!

[4TheWin]

FISHFL - Thanks very much for the support, etc. Anyone from the 5th floor that takes some time to comment on my stupid f*cking intro is a true all star quit vet...and by the way I thought your HOF speech was really and truly kick @ss!

I have been increasing my off-site outreach a little each day. Have a lot of digits now and send at least a few texts every day...probably not as much as some, but working on it....and last night I spent about 90 minutes texting to a DEC 17 quit brother who said he was having a shitty day...

Even though I am less than 20 days into this, I appreciate and share (to the extent I can) the passion you vets feel for this community. It is life saving sh*t and there is no way I could do this without the support I am getting.

[FISHFLORIDA]

/~*%@*$$$!!!!!

You are right, of course, Candoit....I guess I just need (A) a kick in the ass (so thanks) and (B) time. Upon reading your post I immediately sent positive, encouraging messages to the 4 people (2 DEC and 2 Vets) I am regularly texting with....and I will start to widen my circle over the coming days, weeks, months and years.

I get it about accountability and investment. I will keep working on it. Thanks!

You got this brother. Hang in there. It does get easier but it's gonna suck for a bit. Never ever forget just how shitty this is right now because all it takes is one little bit of nicotine and you have to go through it all again. You need to make your quit the most important thing in your life for a period of time. that period is different for each person, but a wise man will know how long that is for himself. Right now, all you need to care about is quitting. The ones that truly care about you will understand that that is what needs to happen.

[4TheWin]

/~*%@*$$$!!!!!

You are right, of course, Candoit....I guess I just need (A) a kick in the ass (so thanks) and (B) time. Upon reading your post I immediately sent positive, encouraging messages to the 4 people (2 DEC and 2 Vets) I am regularly texting with....and I will start to widen my circle over the coming days, weeks, months and years.

I get it about accountability and investment. I will keep working on it. Thanks!

[Candoit]

Thanks Jeff I definitely have your digits and you are on my short list of people I will reach out to if (probably when) I need some help....plus I like that you promised to come kick my @ss in person - thanks!!

Bazook - I appreciate the perspective....it is very helpful!

Accountability is a two way street. You need to invest in others like they invest in you.

Just because you have someones digits doesnt mean you will use them come the time. The only way is by using them, making the screen name real.

[4TheWin]

Thanks Jeff I definitely have your digits and you are on my short list of people I will reach out to if (probably when) I need some help....plus I like that you promised to come kick my @ss in person - thanks!!

Bazook - I appreciate the perspective....it is very helpful!

[BazookaJoe]

Never get to a point where you let resentment build anywhere near your quit. The early stages of quitting causes your brain to go haywire. During this time, keep close to this site, have a bunch of your quit brothers' digits in your phone, file numerous "float plans" with your quit brothers if you're traveling or ranging outside your element, go to the gym, avoid alcohol, and be ever mindful of any activity that dip used to be part of. Don't worry, it gets easier but as it does you cannot let your guard down for a minute and think you're cured or no longer need the brotherhood and accountability that this place offers. That my friend is the complacency trap...don't become a victim of it.

[Jeff W]

Two weeks down and still taking it ODAAT.

I could not have gotten this far without the awesome support I have been getting here...and special thanks for Rewire, FLLIPOUT, Strat, Jeff W and Falcon for your recent comments, etc.

I think at this juncture it is important for me to note that in no way do I yet have this addiction under control. It is still a daily battle for me, and I guess it always will be. When I am stressed, I crave a dip. When I am bored, I crave a dip. When I am relieved, I crave a dip. When I am happy I crave. When I am sad I crave. You get the f*cking idea....f*cking pathetic.

I love taking nic off the table first thing every day. That is a really effective tool in the tool bag. Even when I do not have a ton of time to hang out here and even when I do not have time to type out my thoughts here....WUPP is still the first line of defence and I am totally committed there.

Last night, I was feeling almost depressed about quitting. I know it was stupid and it was just my f*cking addict brain playing tricks....but all I could think about was how much I enjoyed a good dip and how sad it was that I could not do this one thing that brought me so much happiness. Fortunately I was tired and there was no nic anywhere near me and there was no chance of a cave. But still...hope f*cking ridiculous those thoughts seem now in the light of the day. The positives of quitting outweigh the negatives (and there really are no long term negatives that make any sense) by a landslide. Just goes to show that the Nic Bitch is not done with me yet, not by a long shot. She will whisper to me when I am weak and test my resolve with lies that somehow make sense to my addict brain.

I love reading all of the positive stories here. Even more, I love being reminded about what addict life was (lying, stealing time from my family, etc.) before I quit.

Two weeks is a good start. When I look in the mirror, I like what I see staring back right now. Thanks to KTC and all of my friends here for the support!

'Finger' the Nic Bitch

Quit on and be excellent! 'oh yeah'

Hang in there buddy it's about to get a little bit better. I still have bouts of anxiety, longing, etc...Nice thing is they aren't near as bad as day 14, and they aren't near as frequent! We did this shit to ourselves. Embrace the Suck! For we never want to do the shittiest part again! I don't know if you have swapped numbers with people yet but texting fellow quitters about random shit always helps me through those times. You've got mine in your inbox.....use em. Get you some quit! cowboy

[4TheWin]

Two weeks down and still taking it ODAAT.

I could not have gotten this far without the awesome support I have been getting here...and special thanks for Rewire, FLLIPOUT, Strat, Jeff W and Falcon for your recent comments, etc.

I think at this juncture it is important for me to note that in no way do I yet have this addiction under control. It is still a daily battle for me, and I guess it always will be. When I am stressed, I crave a dip. When I am bored, I crave a dip. When I am relieved, I crave a dip. When I am happy I crave. When I am sad I crave. You get the f*cking idea....f*cking pathetic.

I love taking nic off the table first thing every day. That is a really effective tool in the tool bag. Even when I do not have a ton of time to hang out here and even when I do not have time to type out my thoughts here....WUPP is still the first line of defence and I am totally committed there.

Last night, I was feeling almost depressed about quitting. I know it was stupid and it was just my f*cking addict brain playing tricks....but all I could think about was how much I enjoyed a good dip and how sad it was that I could not do this one thing that brought me so much happiness. Fortunately I was tired and there was no nic anywhere near me and there was no chance of a cave. But still...hope f*cking ridiculous those thoughts seem now in the light of the day. The positives of quitting outweigh the negatives (and there really are no long term negatives that make any sense) by a landslide. Just goes to show that the Nic Bitch is not done with me yet, not by a long shot. She will whisper to me when I am weak and test my resolve with lies that somehow make sense to my addict brain.

I love reading all of the positive stories here. Even more, I love being reminded about what addict life was (lying, stealing time from my family, etc.) before I quit.

Two weeks is a good start. When I look in the mirror, I like what I see staring back right now. Thanks to KTC and all of my friends here for the support!

'Finger' the Nic Bitch

Quit on and be excellent! 'oh yeah'

[Falcon67]

Kicking Ass my December Bro!!

I know how the office stress can have the Nic Bitch knocking on your door -- glad to see you are stronger than that and not answering her call. Yes I also took "advantage" and snussed like hell when I was home alone. I worked from home yesterday and used more fakes and chewed more pumpkin seeds then I would have at work -- BUT kept my promise and promised again today.

Stay strong -- Proud to quit with you today!

Your December Sis!

[Jeff W]

Man you are kicking ass and taking names! I just got back from a 7 day family vacation so I'm getting caught up on some KTC......I PM'd you prior to reading this so some may be repeat and looks like you have a ton of support from some Bad Ass M'fers! One thing I'll reiterate here as I also stated in my PM , you have my number so you had better use it when shit gets tough and your addict is acting up! I'm in Wisconsin which isn't that far from Oh*O if I have to drive to come kick your addict's ass! Keep it up buddy! You're doing great!

[Stratomatic]

I'd have to say that the fake stuff has helped me through like nothing before could have. I agree, I think there is a ton of muscle memory and just plain ole head games that your mind will put you through! To have a physical thing like the fake dip (Smokey Mtn in my case) to use while I deal with my withdrawl is wonderful!! I hope someone that is struggling right now, early in their quit, sees this post and runs out to get some fake stuff. It can make a huge difference! Day 6 for me and I've never felt better!

[FLLipOut]

Double digits! You're crushing it, 4TheWin!

[ReWire]

Wow...some nice feedback from ScottyL, Bulldog and my quit sis Falcon. Thanks...means a lot from BAQs like you all!!

Okay, so I am on Day 10 now....

Pretty excited to be in double digits, but not getting cocky at all. I have a lot I want to write down now, but precious little time. I hope I can come back later today and type out some more of the thoughts that are running around in my head....it is very therapeutic for me absolutely.

Okay so work is going to be extremely stressful over the next 10 days. I am already behind on a bunch of stuff AND I have a board meeting next week to prep for...AND I am staying home the next three work days....my wife is heading out of town, so I will be playing the roll of house dad...fun but stressful in its own right...and when added to the work piling up, it will be a lot. I am trying to focus 100% on my quit, but life does keep rolling. Usually when my wife is gone I dip like f*cking crazy...but I am ready for this one. I have a sh*tload of fake and sun seeds piled up...and I have digits if my addict brain and that nic bitch start playing tricks...and I will spend as much time on KTC as I can (but probably less than the last 9 days)...so I really think I am set.

As an addict I can NEVER let my guard down, but I really do feel a lot better about myself now that I am quit. I am so grateful for this tool and community...it is really, really different than other times I stopped. I see no way I would be able to cave now...but let's take it ODAAT. See you on roll first thing tomorrow morning...BEFORE I drive my son to school!

'oh yeah'

Congrats man, Day 10 is HUGE!!! Keep doing life, and keep up the quit. 'oh yeah'