Day 74: 10 and half weeks in and the nic bitch just won't let go.
Work has been busy, life, kids, etc.- it's all been a whirlwind lately with school, sports and everything else getting into full swing. Can't seem to catch up or during the times that it finally slows down I can't find the motivation to hit it and just get the stuff done.
I'm in a mid 70s funk- which means nic the bitch comes around trying to convince me that with one big ol' pinch I can power through all this stuff and then just quit again. THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Caving or believing that a pinch of poison is actually going to give me some magical powers to work through this shit.
I keep telling her to get bent, fuck off, eat a fat donkey dick but she's persistent. I really think it's my brain is telling me that I'm not giving it the dopamine it's used to. I just feel a little off, a little complacent in everything- it's almost like reverting back to when I dipped and I hadn't had one in awhile- I couldn't concentrate on anything for very long except getting that next fix. Now I think I'm searching for something but I'm not finding it. I feel like I'm missing something- there's an every present small emptiness that pops up here and there and hangs on- that's when the craves hit. Fuck is it ever frustrating. I don't expect less, I used that shit as a crutch for a long time- it isn't going to change overnight.
1 problem + nicotine - 2 problems.
Posted roll- I made my promise so I'll get through this funk
ODAAT- get through today, worry about tomorrow tomorrow
NAFAR- there are no good reasons to put that poison in my mouth again, shit will get done once I pull my head out of my ass and stop procrastinating. I can catch up without putting cancer causes chemicals in my mouth.
I WANT TO RAGE. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
I knew a girl once, years ago, that I met shortly after I moved to Boston. She was cool, kind of edgy, and
quite hot. We initially bonded over music and a mutual disdain for our exes. While we were close, we were never officially "together" - at least in my mind. The fact that most of my friends didn't really seem to care for her stuck out to me. Then it was other things like the fact that she was always drinking, would sometimes go into these crazed fits of raging/crying, and seemed to really crave attention from other men. Sounds like a dream, right? Yeah, well, I did what most idiots do. I rationalized how fun and hot and awesome she was when we were together, and tried to ignore all of the other stuff like the drunken mid-day phone calls at work, pleading with me to go to her apartment. Or the random dude that would be there when I showed up.
Ok, I lied. I couldn't ignore that last one. I broke off whatever it was we had, and vowed never to come back to the well. As the days and weeks went by, she kept calling and showing up. A lot at first, then the calls/drop-ins started to get more and more infrequent until they eventually stopped. I had reached a point several months later where in my mind I had completely moved on. Then I bumped into her on the street one day. She seemed genuinely happy, funny, and sane. Meanwhile, I was stuck in a major rut. I hated my job, was constantly broke, and felt major homesickness. When she asked what I was doing later, of course I jumped at the chance to hang out. After we made plans for one weekend night, I was excited initially and then all of the negative shit came flooding back a few hours later. My rutted mind wanted to try and ignore the past and rationalize that she had "changed". My gut was telling me to back away, but my mind didn't want to listen. I finally made a deal with myself that I would call her to cancel our date as a test. If she was cool about it, we'd reschedule and move ahead. If she was even slightly manic, then there was my answer and my gut was right all along. I'll let you guess which door she went with...
Anyway, what's the point to that whole story? I don't know exactly. I do know that I had a penchant for attracting batshit crazy chicks for a good 4-5 year stretch in my early twenties.
I also know that your last post kind of reminds me of her. She was just like the nic bitch. She had her fucking claws in me, made me feel great and awesome, until she didn't. She was still there, months after I kicked her ass to the curb, waiting to lure me in by tempting me with memories of all the "fun" we had together. I was at such a low point otherwise, I very nearly gave in.
I'm glad I didn't and I'm glad you didn't.
