Author Topic: Quitting  (Read 11142 times)

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Offline Smeds

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Re: Quitting
« Reply #150 on: August 29, 2014, 05:59:00 PM »
Quote from: FMBM707
Day 54: Blood test came back today: "Your blood work looks good." FUCK YEAH!

It's a great start but still have to see an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor because something is still wrong with my tongue  back of my mouth. I'll be doing that this Wednesday. Doc said they will most likely stick some scope thing into my nose and then check around my throat to make sure nothing funky is going on there.

Still have to get this figured out but I feel like I can rest a little better now that the blood work came back 'good'.

Had some killer craves the last couple of days, which is pretty fucked up considering I was waiting on blood test result to see if my white blood cell count was up possibly indicating tongue cancer. That's how fucking powerful this addiction can be. I'm waiting to find out if blood test may indicate whether or not they need to take a chuck of my tongue to biopsy and I have craves. It's really disappointing but I've read enough on this site to realize craves effect everyone and at different times. I was trying to remain positive and not to worry but I knew I was getting more nervous as the days went by and the stress was triggering craves. In fact I had a pretty bad crave going before I got the news and then the crave just vanished.

I got blood drawn on Monday and I was trying to stay positive but all the waiting to hear something- eventually my mind went to the worse and then I read this last night (the story about the dude battling tongue cancer):
topic/1008847/1/ and that got me all fucked up in the head.

Luckily I jumped into the chat room, tried to help some others, had some laughs and got some encouraging messages from some badass quitters. Tuco/ Doc appreciate ya. Most of the folks that were on chat last night didn't know that I was waiting on test result and I was freaking out a bit but pours, medic, doc, tuck, snot et al. Even BK helped, though that clearly wasn't his intent, but it got my mind off of my issues. Thank you.

The "good news" has harden my resolve further to stay quit. I still need to find out what the fuck is up but I know I never want to go through this shit again!

I quit with all of you again today and I'll do it again tomorrow.

Quit on.
Great news bro! Have a great weekend ... I know you'll do it clean and free of the nic. I'm hoping everything else checks out just as good if not better for you!
My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are.

Offline FMBM707

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Re: Quitting
« Reply #149 on: August 29, 2014, 05:44:00 PM »
Day 54: Blood test came back today: "Your blood work looks good." FUCK YEAH!

It's a great start but still have to see an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor because something is still wrong with my tongue  back of my mouth. I'll be doing that this Wednesday. Doc said they will most likely stick some scope thing into my nose and then check around my throat to make sure nothing funky is going on there.

Still have to get this figured out but I feel like I can rest a little better now that the blood work came back 'good'.

Had some killer craves the last couple of days, which is pretty fucked up considering I was waiting on blood test result to see if my white blood cell count was up possibly indicating tongue cancer. That's how fucking powerful this addiction can be. I'm waiting to find out if blood test may indicate whether or not they need to take a chuck of my tongue to biopsy and I have craves. It's really disappointing but I've read enough on this site to realize craves effect everyone and at different times. I was trying to remain positive and not to worry but I knew I was getting more nervous as the days went by and the stress was triggering craves. In fact I had a pretty bad crave going before I got the news and then the crave just vanished.

I got blood drawn on Monday and I was trying to stay positive but all the waiting to hear something- eventually my mind went to the worse and then I read this last night (the story about the dude battling tongue cancer):
topic/1008847/1/ and that got me all fucked up in the head.

Luckily I jumped into the chat room, tried to help some others, had some laughs and got some encouraging messages from some badass quitters. Tuco/ Doc appreciate ya. Most of the folks that were on chat last night didn't know that I was waiting on test result and I was freaking out a bit but pours, medic, doc, tuck, snot et al. Even BK helped, though that clearly wasn't his intent, but it got my mind off of my issues. Thank you.

The "good news" has harden my resolve further to stay quit. I still need to find out what the fuck is up but I know I never want to go through this shit again!

I quit with all of you again today and I'll do it again tomorrow.

Quit on.

Offline Tuco

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Re: Quitting
« Reply #148 on: August 28, 2014, 10:27:00 PM »
Hang in there, FMBM. Keep building and restoring that life you've created that is 100% nic-free and chock full of freedom. You're doing all the right things and staying on top of all the things within your power to control.

Offline Doc Chewfree

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Re: Quitting
« Reply #147 on: August 28, 2014, 10:02:00 PM »
Quote from: FMBM707
Doctor office called today with a referral to an ENT.

If any of you are thinking of caving or romanticizing dip or don't take mouth cancer seriously read this:

topic/1008847/1/

Fuck me.
Hang tough, brother, and keep us informed.
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Offline FMBM707

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Re: Quitting
« Reply #146 on: August 28, 2014, 09:36:00 PM »
Doctor office called today with a referral to an ENT.

If any of you are thinking of caving or romanticizing dip or don't take mouth cancer seriously read this:

topic/1008847/1/

Fuck me.

Offline FMBM707

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Re: Quitting
« Reply #145 on: August 27, 2014, 11:08:00 PM »
Day 52: Still waiting on the test results from the blood samples they took and still waiting on the referral to an ENT. I'm not big on worrying but I hope those fuckers hurry up so I can get on with it. Whatever 'it' ends up being.

Kids went back to school, wife off to work so that leaves me all alone at home (alone except for my big ass dog). Two days ago I hit 50 days, it was Monday and it flew by with all the rush of excitement and emotions that go along with sending elementary kids off to school for their first day back and of course a doctor's visit to check out my fucked up mouth/ tongue.

Besides reflecting on what a dumbass I had been for all those years and how I would react based on what the doctor told me I didn't really have any sort of crave Monday. It's pretty easy to have a solid, confident QUIT raging when you are at the doctor's office wondering if all those year of abusing tobacco was about ready to catch up to you.

Then Tuesday came along and there I was, home all by myself. It's like order was restored. It's what I'm use to: kids go to school, wife goes to work and I stay home and work. And that's usually when I stuffed my lip with a two finger pinch of poison. So with order being restored guess who came knocking on my door? The fucking nic bitch. Yep. She was like, "Heeeey fucker, I know you've been doing this neat little quit thing, it's real cute and all but damn it's time to get back on it- you've got the whole damn house to yourself. No one is around, just run up to 7-11 and buy some of that juicy stuff- I know you want to." I told her to get bent.

But all day long I had this little crave that wouldn't go away. I got on KTC, I worked out, I mowed the lawn, I stuffed my face with seeds and gum and tea and coffee and damn near just about everything in the pantry but the damn thing just hung on. It wasn't anything major but it was damn sure persistent. There are many different things at the beginning of my quit that spawned a crave but the craves that seem to hold on, the strong or persistent ones that happen now are when normalcy either leaves or returns.

Early in the quit just waking up set up a crave. Walking into my office I'd get a crave. Breathing, I'd get a crave. Early in the quit everything reminded me of death dips but as the days of quit built up, the normal triggers: mowing the lawn, driving long distances, golfing, playing softball they were there but it became easier to brush them aside because I had continued to face them and beat them.

Life changes or restoring life back to the 'norm'. That's when she comes knocking the hardest these days. It's a sure fire crave because for so many repeated times I stuffed my lip with that poison to 'deal' with whatever life change, challenge or obstacle I was facing or just out of plain habit, like empty house means time to stuff my face with poison.

What I'm really starting to realize is that years of abusing nicotine means I have countless 'triggers' to face. As the time goes by it will become less and less frequent because I will have faced and beat those triggers over and over therefore making them less intense or altogether gone. So as the quit days pile up we go through great times of being free of craves but we are still going to be tested every once in awhile. Just look at some of the cavers. Some of these folks had high triple digits quits going on, some guys had years of quit and went back to it. I've read stuff today about guys in the 200s talking about how they just went through a couple of rough days of craves. We are all one decision away from a cave but as you face trigger after trigger those craves that turn into caves become less frequent.

That's why it's important to understand the phrase once an addict, always an addict. There is no cure.

One day at a time we can distance ourselves from the abuse. One day at a time we can identify a trigger or 2 and beat them back, one day at a time we can quit build on that quit, one day at a time we can keep our promise of staying quit.

I quit again today with all of you. Tomorrow I'll wake up and do it all over again.

Quit on.

Offline FMBM707

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Re: Quitting
« Reply #144 on: August 27, 2014, 09:55:00 PM »
Quote from: CavMan83
Quote from: Tuco's
Thank you for the reality check, FMB. Seriously, I hope everything is Ok and you get some peace of mind.
Prayers for the test results, brother.
Appreciate it fellas! Whatever the results are will have to be dealt with accordingly. The more research I do the more I believe it to be something other than cancer. Not all of it good but some fairly harmless. Regardless tobacco doesn't help in any of the healing process and could have played a role in why I have whatever this may end up being.

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers. All well received.

Quit on.

Offline CavMan83

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Re: Quitting
« Reply #143 on: August 27, 2014, 08:59:00 PM »
Quote from: Tuco's
Thank you for the reality check, FMB. Seriously, I hope everything is Ok and you get some peace of mind.
Prayers for the test results, brother.

Offline FMBM707

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Re: Quitting
« Reply #142 on: August 26, 2014, 05:23:00 PM »
Quote from: Scowick65
Quote from: FMBM707
Quote from: Pinched
Quote from: Tuco's
Quote
Quote from: gmann
Quote from: FMBM707
DAY 45: The Two Wolves- A Native American Cherokee Story

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

“One is Evil – It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

“The other is Good – It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

If you romanticize about dipping you are feeding the crave. It you dwell on it, feel sorry for yourself because you can't have one etc. You are feeding the addiction. For too long we have fed our addiction everyday for years. This is why we have such bad cravings at times- the addiction that was once fed everyday is now starving and just like any starving animal it will go to great lengths to be fed. It will fight with everything it has to eat.

We fed this thing for so long that it's powerful- it got so strong that it can hold on for a long, long time. That's why we get cravings at day 50, day 90 or day 180 etc.

It's also why we need to continue to feed our QUIT, because as our QUIT gets stronger those cravings get weaker and further apart.

Much like you fed your addiction every day, it's equally important to 'feed your quit' every damn day by reading different things on KTC, posting roll, exchanging numbers, helping others, listening to the old time quitters, getting on live chat etc.

This is why you hear old time quitters say:
read, read and then read some more
drink the kool aid
get numbers from other quitters
get on live chat
post early and every day
support other groups
help others

The people that know are telling us to feed the right wolf, and do this EDD, ODAAT. We didn't build this addiction because we dipped poison once, we built it because we continued to feed that addiction every day. If you want to be QUIT then you have to continue to build on that QUIT by feeding it everyday.

This is why it's easy to spot a future caver. It's easy to tell if they are feeding their quit sufficiently or not. The guys that post whenever they want, the guys that don't have any numbers or respond to PMs. The post roll and run guys. They aren't doing enough. They have cave written all over them.

Whichever wolf you feed will win.

Feed your quit EDD.

QUIT ON FUCKERS, QUIT ON.
Nice post, boat burner.
Right fucking on! Love this post
Good shit. Your quit demands to be fed every bit as much as your addiction does.
Nicely put brother! Your posts are so deep I need water wings to read them.
LOL Gmann- you can call me a boat burner all day, everyday. In fact you can call me anything you want as long as you never call me a caver.


Who is stronger: a lone wolf or the pack?
Great post.

Research burn your boats. Gmann just gave you quite the compliment.
Scowich-
Gmann told me about boat burners and it is a complement to be called one! I really enjoy the story behind that as well. For anyone that wants to read it (it's worth it), here it is:

http://www.johnboe.com/articles/burn_your_boat.html

Burn the boats. Feed the right wolf. Do what it takes to stay quit.

Offline Tuco

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Re: Quitting
« Reply #141 on: August 25, 2014, 07:42:00 PM »
Thank you for the reality check, FMB. Seriously, I hope everything is Ok and you get some peace of mind.

Offline FMBM707

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Re: Quitting
« Reply #140 on: August 25, 2014, 07:23:00 PM »
Day 50 Went to see a doctor today- still having issues with my tongue. Could be geographic tongue, thrush or cancer.

Got a lot of congratulations today from fellow quitters. It some regards it was great to hear because it is a milestone of sorts hitting 50 but it's also just another great day of quit. No matter what day is by your name the important thing is that you have a number by your name because it means you are quit and if you value your word it means you'll be quit the whole day. And being quit is way better than the alternative.

Finally went to the doctor today. They aren't sure what I have but they aren't taking any chances- they took blood samples and are going to refer me to an ENT (Ear, Nose  Throat Doctor) to really get a look at the back of my mouth and throat. Depending on what the blood tests come back or what they see in the back of my mouth/throat will determine next steps. Right now they are going to treat it as thrush.

I'm sharing this for two reasons:
1.) I need to document this
2.) I hope it helps someone

I remember when I was putting poison in my mouth I use to rationalize about how other guys have used a lot longer than me and they haven't gotten cancer- so that means I can keep using. That is stupid addict talk. If you finger fuck a can you are playing Russian roulette. It's as simple as that. If you wait until you actually have symptoms to quit it might be too late. Dying of cancer because you decided to abuse a product that states on the product "Caution: Could cause oral cancer" is not an appropriate way to die.

The chances that it's tongue cancer is small, the odds are in my favor that it is not, but why ever do anything to skew those odds in a negative way?

As I was waiting in the doctor's office today I thought hypothetically about if I had cancer and it was terminal. Would I use/abuse nicotine again? If I was going to die would I run off and buy a can? The answer was quickly no. Making the wrong decision over and over again may have put me in this situation but it damn sure isn't how I would want to spend my last days- making more poor decisions. I might not have quit in time but I quit and I'll remain that way.

What about if the doctor came out and said, "You got this little thing- it's no big deal, take two of these and call me in the morning- it'll be all cleared up." Then what would I do? I can tell you the fucking addict in me 50+ days ago would have sped to the nearest store and shoved a big ol' lipper of dirty fucking rat poison in my mouth. Not now. Not ever again. NAFAR. There's no going back.

When you are truly quit it doesn't matter what happens in your life, good, bad, or indifferent- it just doesn't fucking matter. There is no good reason. Not one. Zero. Nil. Nada. Zip. Zilch. None. NOTE TO ALL YOU CAVERS: there is nothing you can say that justifies your actions of stuffing your lip with that poison again.

Either you are quit or you're not. Either you use or you don't. It's a decision. Make the right one. Burn the boat. Feed the right wolf.

Quit on.

Offline Doc Chewfree

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Re: Quitting
« Reply #139 on: August 24, 2014, 03:17:00 PM »
Quote from: FMBM707
Posted by david.m in his intro, he's a fellow Titan of Oct. '14

Posting it here because I like it. Posting it here as a reminder.


Some interesting research:

on Nicotine as a dopamine releasing drug, ala heroin and other opiates:

"Nicotine and opiates are very different drugs, but the endpoint, with respect to the control of dopamine signaling, is almost identical. It demonstrates the seriousness of tobacco addiction, equating its grip on the individual to that of heroin. It reinforces the fact that these addictions are very physiological in nature and that breaking away from the habit is certainly more than just mind over matter."
- Daniel McGehee, University of Chicago Medical Center.


"The 10 Hardest Drugs to Kick"
- by Jacqueline Detwiler

The chemical makeup of drugs guarantee that certain drugs are more addictive than others. The hardest ones to kick actually train your brain to crave them. A team of researchers led by professor David Nutt of London's Imperial College recently set out to determine which drugs were most harmful based on their addictive properties. Dutch scientists replicated the London study and devised a "dependency rating" that measured addictive potency of the biggest drugs out there on a precisely calibrated scale of 0-to-3.
1. Heroin - 2.89
2. Crack Cocaine - 2.82
3. Nicotine - 2.82 (tied with Crack for second "most addictive and hardest to kick" drug!!!)
4. Methadone - 2.68
5. Crystal Meth - 2.24
6. Alcohol - 2.13
7. Cocaine - 2.13
8. Amphetamines - 1.95
9. Benzodiazepines - 1.89
10. GHB - 1.71


on the first 100 days:

"There is growing evidence that on average, it takes about 90 days for the brain to break free of the immediate effects of the drug and reset itself. Researchers at Yale University call this 90-to-100 day period the 'sleeper effect,' a time during which the brain's proper... functions gradually recover."
- Tony O'Neill, in his article, "The 100-Day Hangover"


"Whatever substance you're detoxing from, there's always an attachment. We're talking about people who are cutting off something that has started to feel as vital to them as the air they breathe. So you inevitably go through this painful period of wrenching yourself away from it, and now you're feeling lousy. It's pretty common for many recovering addicts to ask, 'Is this the reward I get for getting clean?' Most people are led to believe that once they stop using, their life will start to get better, when in reality this next period can really suck. But it gets better."
- Dr. Arnold Washton, author of Willpower is Not Enough: Recovering From Addictions of Every Kind


on not replacing nicotine-addiction with other dopamine-releasing-addictions:

"If you stop using your drug of choice but continue to use alcohol or another drug, you're saying that you don't want to learn new coping skills and that you don't want to change your life. You're saying that you want to continue to rely on drugs or alcohol to escape, relax, and reward yourself. But if you don't learn those new skills, then you won't have changed, and your addiction will catch up with you all over again.
- www.AddictionsAndRecovery.org


I read another article (can't find it now to post the quotes) that essentially explained that "addicts are addicts." Meaning, after nicotine has left the body, our cravings are not really cravings for nicotine... they're cravings for dopamine. After years of nicotine use we've created extra "gates" in our brain through which the excess amount of dopamine was able to get to the brain. Now that we've stopped using, those "gates" are huuuungry. We get normal-sized shots of dopamine when we eat, have sex, exercise, complete tasks, etc... but we may also find our cravings pop up soon after (like the post-meal crave)... that's because the brain is used to getting bigger drops of dopamine at a time... so the natural ways we produce it aren't equal to the unnatural/drug-induced ways. So it wants more. The brain doesn't know (or care) what source is feeding it the excessive amounts of dopamine it's used to. So, often nicotine quitters will transition to another addiction - usually alcohol - and they're not actually breaking addiction at all, only shifting it to a new dopamine-source. The article advised steering clear of all drugs/alcohol during the first 100 days of nicotine-quitting so that the brain has time to recover and re-learn proper balance."
That's cool, fellow crack head.
Brave men are honored, rich men are envied, powerful men are feared, but only a man with character is trusted
Quit on Feb. 6, 2014

Offline FMBM707

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Re: Quitting
« Reply #138 on: August 21, 2014, 06:27:00 PM »
Posted by david.m in his intro, he's a fellow Titan of Oct. '14

Posting it here because I like it. Posting it here as a reminder.


Some interesting research:

on Nicotine as a dopamine releasing drug, ala heroin and other opiates:

"Nicotine and opiates are very different drugs, but the endpoint, with respect to the control of dopamine signaling, is almost identical. It demonstrates the seriousness of tobacco addiction, equating its grip on the individual to that of heroin. It reinforces the fact that these addictions are very physiological in nature and that breaking away from the habit is certainly more than just mind over matter."
- Daniel McGehee, University of Chicago Medical Center.


"The 10 Hardest Drugs to Kick"
- by Jacqueline Detwiler

The chemical makeup of drugs guarantee that certain drugs are more addictive than others. The hardest ones to kick actually train your brain to crave them. A team of researchers led by professor David Nutt of London's Imperial College recently set out to determine which drugs were most harmful based on their addictive properties. Dutch scientists replicated the London study and devised a "dependency rating" that measured addictive potency of the biggest drugs out there on a precisely calibrated scale of 0-to-3.
1. Heroin - 2.89
2. Crack Cocaine - 2.82
3. Nicotine - 2.82 (tied with Crack for second "most addictive and hardest to kick" drug!!!)
4. Methadone - 2.68
5. Crystal Meth - 2.24
6. Alcohol - 2.13
7. Cocaine - 2.13
8. Amphetamines - 1.95
9. Benzodiazepines - 1.89
10. GHB - 1.71


on the first 100 days:

"There is growing evidence that on average, it takes about 90 days for the brain to break free of the immediate effects of the drug and reset itself. Researchers at Yale University call this 90-to-100 day period the 'sleeper effect,' a time during which the brain's proper... functions gradually recover."
- Tony O'Neill, in his article, "The 100-Day Hangover"


"Whatever substance you're detoxing from, there's always an attachment. We're talking about people who are cutting off something that has started to feel as vital to them as the air they breathe. So you inevitably go through this painful period of wrenching yourself away from it, and now you're feeling lousy. It's pretty common for many recovering addicts to ask, 'Is this the reward I get for getting clean?' Most people are led to believe that once they stop using, their life will start to get better, when in reality this next period can really suck. But it gets better."
- Dr. Arnold Washton, author of Willpower is Not Enough: Recovering From Addictions of Every Kind


on not replacing nicotine-addiction with other dopamine-releasing-addictions:

"If you stop using your drug of choice but continue to use alcohol or another drug, you're saying that you don't want to learn new coping skills and that you don't want to change your life. You're saying that you want to continue to rely on drugs or alcohol to escape, relax, and reward yourself. But if you don't learn those new skills, then you won't have changed, and your addiction will catch up with you all over again.
- www.AddictionsAndRecovery.org


I read another article (can't find it now to post the quotes) that essentially explained that "addicts are addicts." Meaning, after nicotine has left the body, our cravings are not really cravings for nicotine... they're cravings for dopamine. After years of nicotine use we've created extra "gates" in our brain through which the excess amount of dopamine was able to get to the brain. Now that we've stopped using, those "gates" are huuuungry. We get normal-sized shots of dopamine when we eat, have sex, exercise, complete tasks, etc... but we may also find our cravings pop up soon after (like the post-meal crave)... that's because the brain is used to getting bigger drops of dopamine at a time... so the natural ways we produce it aren't equal to the unnatural/drug-induced ways. So it wants more. The brain doesn't know (or care) what source is feeding it the excessive amounts of dopamine it's used to. So, often nicotine quitters will transition to another addiction - usually alcohol - and they're not actually breaking addiction at all, only shifting it to a new dopamine-source. The article advised steering clear of all drugs/alcohol during the first 100 days of nicotine-quitting so that the brain has time to recover and re-learn proper balance."

Offline FMBM707

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Re: Quitting
« Reply #137 on: August 21, 2014, 05:08:00 PM »
Cavman-
Thank you for 'calling me to the carpet' on my tongue issues. Called the doctor's office- they will be calling me back Monday when the doc gets back in to schedule an appointment. Wish I could say I wasn't nervous.

-Stevo

Offline FMBM707

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Re: Quitting
« Reply #136 on: August 21, 2014, 05:02:00 PM »
Quote from: CavMan83
Steve,

Thanks for being here. You are killing this quit solidly, one day at a time, and I'm enjoying watching you beat the hell out of it with your Titans!

What did the Dr. say about the tongue?
Thanks for the kind words Cavman. I've been learning from the old time quitters and the new guys as much as I can. Anyone who posts to share their struggles, their comments or to help another is an opportunity for me to learn. Sometimes it's learning what not to do or what doesn't work, or how not to think and other times it's about what to do, what works and how to think. Different perspectives are healthy if you welcome them.

About the tongue. I have not been to the doctor. The fucker still doesn't feel right. I know you weren't really calling me out on it but thanks for bringing awareness to it. I've been trying to ignore it. I soon as I finish typing I'm calling the doctor to set up an appointment.

Quit on.